My relationship is crippling me

[Tills85]

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

OP, he has done you a favour as it appears he has dumped you.

You are scared of losing this man? YOU DON'T HAVE HIM! he doesn't even like you, let alone love you. He just allows you to hang around him because he's enjoying the power he has over you.

You haven’t met his friends and family. He hangs up when you call. You’ve been conditioned into leaving him alone. He treats you terribly.

I think he’s in another relationship.

Yes i have met his mum recently

Look up "co-dependence", OP.

Because I'm not concerned about him (he is abusive, and that's that); I'm concerned about you and what you've been taught about relationships growing up. To feel nothing without someone; to feel incomplete - that's co-dependence defined. This is really about building a sense of yourself that is wholly your own. Please seek out some help to do this.

Here you go.

going back into this desperate lonelines i have had for years is like facing another prison sentence

But will that apply with your DD? Quite apart from her company, won't you meet other parents, including single parents, through nursery, school etc?

In any event, start working now on things you can do to overcome that - e.g look for a job, take up volunteering opportunities, look for groups connected to your areas of interest, etc.

Dear OP,

I'm linking to an article by Melanie Tonia Evans: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-show-up-in-life-to-best-support-yourself-and-others/ and you may wonder why it is applicable to you - but if I tell you I have been single since 2012, you probably feel sorry for me being alone. Except I'm not. I'm living a full and happy life, full of love from friends and family. That is down to healing my need for external validation, and that is one of many things this article talks about. Her writings on self-partnering explain this much more. She has lots of free resources available, including YouTube videos, blog posts, a free course etc.

I dump men who do not make my life better, the minute they stop making it better. The notion that I would write 'my relationship is crippling me' at the 6 month mark is almost unimaginable - because if a relationship is so hard, so fast, it's an easy leave.

But I remember being where you are. So desperate for love that I had no boundaries, and a sociopath fast-forwarding and love-bombing felt like water in a desert. But that is dependency, not love. I stayed with him for 6 years of all sorts of abuse, and by the end I was a shadow of myself. Someone earlier said they wished he'd hit you so that you would see. But I can tell you it doesn't work like that. By the time he hits you, you will already have well-rehearsed reasons for why it isn't abuse. Like the one you already have.

It's a bit of a cliche, but it is true - if it hurts, it isn't love.

He is a severely disordered man, and in order to put up with his abuse you are twisting yourself into a pretzel in a way that a healthy person just wouldn't.

Healing starts when you go No contact with him. Please, if only for your daughter's sake, do that today.

Hi op, sorry to hear you're having such a hard time of things.

Losing sleep / being unable to eat normally over someone you've known for less than a year isn't healthy. Maybe it's time to walk away from the relationship and work on your own self-esteem issues and being content as you are. That way you might be a bit more ready mentally to meet someone new - and someone much nicer. It sounds like you and dd deserve better.

I hear what everyone is saying. But do you really not think any of this is my fault?

If you want to flaggellate yourself, do it with a counsellor.

Stop giving him the whip.

Get rid of him now for your DD's sake. This man sounds like my father who I wish my mother had either divorced or stabbed, but that was in the the days when divorce was shameful (we were heavily involved in church - which is simply all smoke and mirrors to hide abuse and awful goings on -and Mum would have been shunned had she left - plus there was no support back then for a single mother with five children). The silent treatment and constant under current of potential yelling and hitting was horrendous. Despite him not hitting us regularly I still lived my childhood in fear of violence.

It is a terrible, terrible way for a child to grow up. My mother in her last few weeks couldn't stop apologising for staying with him and allowing his abuse. Please do not be that woman who has so many regrets on her death bed.

Sounds dramatic I know but 60 years later my childhood still haunts me. This thread has raised so many hidden deep down emotions. Please keep him away from your child.

don't move in with him and don't feel the need to have contact every day. in my relationships I would contact my bf once or twice a week, they would do the same to me. there is no need to talk every day in the early stages.

Why would he be angry when you were showing concern? Either you are more dependant on him or controlling than you think or he is gaslighting you. He is enjoying this power and how you accommodate his needs ahead of your own or even your dd.'s. You are struggling to the extent you cannot sleep or attend work. He is playing games. Put your dd first and dump him.

But is it abuse? He doesn't tell me what to wear, who to see or not see how to behave. He doesn't do any of that

But think of the stuff he does make you do so he won’t be angry.

Maybe I have an attention span of a gnat but step away from this situation and ask yourself can you be bothered with this shit.

The single mums I know would rather be single than be in a relationship that made them beholden to someone else to provide their happiness.

You have a dd you are not alone.

Ultimately your happiness is up to you. Being on your own will be a prison sentence if that is how you want to think of it.
Or it could be considered freedom to do anything and talk to anybody you like.

If you haven’t got friends to talk with occasionally it is going to get very lonely.

I would dump and run from this person and then start to maybe work on finding a few friends.

It might just start as passing acquaintances of other mums from your dds activities or volunteering to help with a thing in school etc or getting a baby sitter in and signing yourself up to a night class or going to the gym but surrounding yourself with people and putting yourself out there will make it feel better and in time friends will emerge and if you find someone who treats you properly and returns your love then that is a bonus

Dear OP,

'Do you really not think any of this is my fault?'

That isn't the question a healthy person would ask. A healthy person would be asking 'am I happy?' and going from their.

For the record, it doesn't matter what you do, right or wrong. When an abuser wants to abuse you, they will find a 'reason'. I was punched unconscious because I received a text 'when he wasn't expecting it'.

Can you imagine ever treating anyone the way he treats you? Even someone you hate? There's your answer. Look at what that tells you.

It sounds like he is losing interest to be honest. If you haven’t heard from him for a few days he might not want to be with you. I hope he leaves you for your sake. You can do a lot better then that, like other people have said focus in your daughter. She needs you

But do you really not think any of this is my fault?

The only responsibility you bear is to yourself, because it's you who is choosing to subject yourself to this. His behaviour is none of your concern whatsoever. Simply be accountable to you and your needs, including your need to start putting yourself first and to heal.

Tills,

What is love to you?. I do not think you have an idea of what a mutually loving relationship is like also because no-one ever bothered to show you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

This man will go onto completely destroy both you and your child from the inside out if he gets a further foothold into your lives.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from you?. Would you want her to have a relationship like this as an adult, I would think you would answer no you would not.

Love your own self for a change. It is all too clear you do not love your own self at all, you see single status as akin to a prison sentence and your own self worth is through the floor. All this contributes to you being an easy target for any abusive male to get his claws into. Your abusive ex did not love you and this current abuser does not either.

Your boundaries, already messed up by previous abuse from a man, have now been further trodden on by this person. He targeted you for very similar reasons as to why your ex did.

I would also agree with the comments about codependency and this state is not doing you any favours either. Please read about codependency and enrol yourself asap onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

It is only when you are properly free of your abuser will you perhaps come to realise just how abusive this person actually was towards you and in turn your child. That is when your recovery from abuse will actually start.

Why cant you see them OP

This man is bad news

No, none of this is your fault. Even if you take the blame for everything, beg him to forgive and love you, it won’t change a single thing.
But you won’t listen til you are ready to hear - I didn’t.

Even if you get back together and have a period of happiness this treatment will weigh on your mind and make you edgy and self critical. It won’t take much to trigger this behaviour in him again and eventually it will be like this all the time.

I understand what it’s like to feel like a life without this person will be awful and the drudgery prison you’ve described. But there will also be the tiniest sliver of relief to not be walking on eggshells. Hold onto that.

It will be hard to block and walk away. But the longer you make yourself into nothing to appease him now, the harder it will get. And you are only ever putting off the inevitable.

You will never get your happy ending with this man because he isn’t a good person or someone who knows how to be happy or content in an equal, loving relationship.

My ex left me for someone else after a long time of awful behaviour. For someone ‘better’ more ‘special’ - what he meant was someone even more vulnerable and desperate to be loved who wouldn’t challenge his behaviour as I’d started to do.

She is a single mother with no self esteem who had an incredibly abusive relationship before him. She thinks he is the knight in shining armour who is her reward for the hardships she’s gone through. Who will be her happy ending. Sound familiar? These men have a type. He has cheated on her from day 1.

OP, I have another thread going atm and your current partner sounds exactly like my ex.

It will get worse. I repeat : IT WILL GET WORSE. I'm struggling like you, being on my own and detaching myself emotionally.

But I left him. Because it did get worse. Much worse. Peaking with me being pulled by my hair and his hand around my throat. I have nightmares about it still.

Don't get to that stage, because believe me, you'll have a whole host of new fucked up emotions to deal with, on top of what you're feeling now.

Don’t have that man in yours and your dds life. He’s going to bring nothing but misery to both of you. Please think of both of yours mental well-being.

More than 120 replies, all telling you that this man is a wrong'un.
Imagine that you want to buy an item, a kettle. You look on Amazon and find one that you like the look of and that you can afford right now. You read the reviews; ALL 120 say that this kettle is not fit for purpose. Would you order the kettle anyway, telling yourself that it will be fine, because you need a kettle now? No, of course you wouldn't! You would wait until you can afford a better one.
Please listen to us. This 'relationship' is not fit for purpose. He is not worth your tears.

How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again
Aha - he's been feeding you this bullshit hasn't he!?

He is abusive.
Stop exposing your poor DD to this vile man.

He doesn't leave because he has you right where he wants you.
You are his emotional punch bag.

Stop doing this to yourself and to your poor DD.
She doesn't deserve any of this.
She deserves a mother who can make good, independent decisions about her life.
She needs to see that men do not rule over women.
She needs you to protect her.
How about she meets a guy like this.
What do you tell her?
Oh yes darling, just let him abuse you and walk all over you. That's what we do!
Do not teach her this damaging lesson about men.

We do NOT need a man.
You certainly do NOT need an abusive man.

Google
Cycle of abuse
Co-dependency
Jekyll & Hyde abuse
Gaslighting abuse
Stonewalling abuse

Do yourself a favour and read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?

And please contact Womens Aid and enrole on their Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency. Attend in person.

But for the love of good and for your own mental health and self respect, block, ignore and delete this person from your life - RIGHT NOW!!!!!