AIBU to feel pissed off with DP's behaviour on holiday?

[deedeegee]

Just back from cycling holiday to Spain- self organised- with DP - not the first time we've done this kind of thing including cycle touring. DP is very fit 65 yr old and a obsessive cyclist. I am reasonably fit 60 yr old and cycle fit and go out cycling with him at home as well. I found the heat very difficult to deal with which together with the mileages we were doing, I almost suffered heat stroke.
Whilst I was trying to keep up, he berated me for affecting his STRAVA (cycling App) stats, also saying his speedo kph was below 30 and it was my fault,then saying if I wanted to go on a cycling holiday with him I should do much more training beforehand.
When we finally stopped, I burst into tears and then put my head under the local water tap until I'd cooled down. I managed to get home and felt pretty rough after that 93km in 100 degree heat. After all that, he then pesters me for sex and goes in the huff, when refused.
On being challenged subsequently he reiterated his view that I should train more beforehand- I have said that I will only go on organised group cycle holidays with him from now on. Being pushed to such an extent is no fun, when DP is only thinking of his own gratification on that and the other issue.

Jesus
What part of 'holiday' does he not get?
Even active holidays are meant to be enjoyable

I don’t think you should plan to cycle together on holiday

OP There was a heatwave in Spain last week. I was there not far from where you were and most people - including Spanish and others accustomed to the heat - would have taken it easy in respect of activities of ANY kind on the hottest days, particularly between 12-4. I even avoided the beach in favour of a picnic and reading a book in a VERY shady park on one day, and I watched films/ had a siesta in the hotel during the hottest hours and went out early morning and evening instead. I popped out to buy cold drinks during the mid afternoon and the streets were empty. The sensible were taking to the shade and only going out to run/cycle/play beach volley/football etc very early morning and in the evening, when it was still 30 celcius as opposed to 45

Let his next ride be a long one off a short pier...! Self-centred prick of a man, you could have been seriously ill.

Life is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too short OP to spend time with fuckwits like this. Get rid.

DP is only thinking of his own gratification I think you have hit the nail on the head here. I'm going to bet that this applies elsewhere in your relationship too, although maybe it's less obvious.

He's a cycling dick.

Tell him to knock one out himself then he can be a cycling wanker.

Arsehole

@Femodene

👍👍

He's bonkers.

Glad to read that you're exiting the relationship!

Op, he is self centred and lacking in empathy. Don't listen to his words but his actions.

His comments are clever as they push the blame onto you. Ignoring you when you were upset is invalidation and after a while you start to think its you.
It really isn't you.

I have no doubt you have areas where you get on and this makes it hard to pull away as he isn't obviously abusive, such as swearing or name calling but the constant drip feed of invalidation and blame will affect you deeply. Covert abuse is more insidious and actually harder to recover from.

A counsellor told me I was an object to Ex, much like a table or lamp. If I worked to meet his needs then I was admired and respected but if I became "faulty" and didn't always meet his expectations he would get resentful and angry. Much like you would if your shiny lamp didn't respond as you expected it to. Once you see the dynamic, it's hard to unsee.

You could try strong boundaries, telling him his behaviour is unacceptable but be prepared for escalation in his behaviour Silent treatment usually masks deep anger which eventually comes out when the power shifts in a relationship.

Are you financially independent?

Tell him to go fuck his Stava rating instead

‘Undying love’ would make you noticeably more important than his strava rating. I think you know you’re not even in the same league in terms of his priorities!

Delighted you are planning an exit - he sounds awful

He sounds emotionally stunted and lacking basic empathy.

Just thinking about that level of cycling in the current heatwave makes me queasy

You could literally have died in that heat with that level of exertion and all he cares about is bloody strava

The heatwave in Spain was over 40 degrees centigrade and 60% humidity... living in Scotland, this in not something we ever experience...currently 15 degrees!

I have always been financially independent and don't live with DP.
interestingly, this evening, unprompted he apologised for his behaviour on holiday.... still not convinced tbh...think I know where I am with my cat!!

What the hell is it with cycling and these men?

That thread from a couple of years ago when a cycling DH invited his cycling mate on the family hol at the last minute so that they could both go road racing, and as a result of the extra bikes he left the bikes of his wife and kids at home, so that they were stranded on what had been planned as a family mountain biking holiday.

unprompted, he apologised ...

He knows he ruined your holiday. He knew he was ruining your holiday even as he was ruining it. This is not a sudden revelation since he got home.

What has just occurred to him is that he has pushed you too far, been just that little bit too contemptuous or your needs or desires for you to put up with him any more. He has thoroughly shown himself For what he is OP, time and again. He has knowingly - not just only ruined your holiday - but also knowingly endangered you. He doesn’t care. Please dump him. He wants to play cat and mouse. Don’t let him.

What did you reply to him? I know the moment has past, but I think the correct response was, ‘I don’t accept your apology. Your behaviour was despicable. No-one treats me like that. I am ending this relationship. Goodbye.’

God he’s a shit. Please give him the elbow. You sound far too nice to put up with any more of this. He is so not worth your time.

Omg..that’s nearly 60 miles 😱
My 64 year old cousin is a keen cyclist.
He cycled the 50 odd miles to our caravan in about 70 degree heat..took him about 5 hours which included a stop for fish and chips in Northallerton

He’s nice to women
He’s good fun
He’s single 👍
Just saying

Deedee I’ve read the full thread now..there’s no way I’d accept his apology
Meet with him again
Have sex with him

There’s much nicer men out there who’d be cock a hoop about a lovely fit woman.

Can’t believe he’s put you in a situation twice where you could’ve died
Sorry you’ve lost a friend...but he’s a bully

What a nasty specimen

How can you bear him near you, let alone sleep with him?

Ah! Male cyclists, used to be in a relationship with one myself.

He's being a massive tool and he ruined your holiday because he was worried about looking bad online. He didn't have to record the rides on strava. He didn't have to be an agressive hyper-competitive knob who sucked the fun out of your time to relax.

I'd be expecting a bit more than a sheepish apology well after the fact. You need to let him know exactly how badly he has screwed up.

I also would veto any future cycling holidays. If you want to keep bothering with him that is.

i throughly recommend hiring an e-bike if there is ever a next time. there is great pleasure to be had being the stronger cyclist for a change. you still get a workout but you have a boost button on the hills.

Er, Dowser,...............

My reply to his apology would be along the lines of

"Your behaviour was disgraceful. You cared more about your STRAVA results than about the fact that this was making me ill and endangering me. It wasn't the first time. It will be the last though because I am ending our relationship now."

OP,

He has only apologised because it has occurred to him that he has finally treated you so badly, in risking your life, that it might, just might occur to you, that you can do better than him.

He's an utter prick.

I would completely block him.

You sound very fit for normal mortals and he seems to be a bit obsessed and takes it really, or too seriously. It’s evidently not a good idea to go on a cycling ‘holiday’ together. I do have a few friends who are massively into cycling and use Strava a lot but they wouldn’t obsess about their rating whatever that is. Doing a few slow leisurely rides doesn’t negate the other stuff and if it does he’s still a knobber