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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 04/07/2019 16:13

OP he is not interested in you at all. Sorry if its not what you want to hear. He's just been keeping you dangling in case he doesn't get a better offer. Please ditch him.

Apileofballyhoo · 04/07/2019 16:15

Why would you bother? None of that is making you happy.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2019 16:15

He's just not that into you.
Dump and move on.

gokartdillydilly · 04/07/2019 16:15

After all that, you got it in one OP Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ?

I wasted three years of my life with a guy like this, and guess what? He got married to someone else and I felt like an absolute mug (missed out on other relationships because of me & him/not him). If he can't commit, he won't commit. He's playing a game OP, but only he seems to know the rules. I wouldn't waste any more time on someone like that.

readitandwept · 04/07/2019 16:19

Fuck that shit. You are merely an option. Don't be!

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:19

Thanks for the replies.. It's hard but I guess it's what I need to hear. When he was being 'too busy' I gave him an opportunity to tell me he wasnt interested or didnt want to see me but he insisted he did.
His ex of 3 years left him nearly a year ago for someone else and he's said he doesnt want to talk about it, but wants to punch her in the face. He's also posted a lot on Fb about heartbreak. I've been the only girl since her and maybe i've just been a rebound.
I guess like others have said he wants to keep me around to have sex with just in case. I need to just not message him again.

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 04/07/2019 16:19

He's just not that into you, but he doesn't have the next one lined up yet.

readitandwept · 04/07/2019 16:22

I've been the only girl since

Don't count on it. I doubt you're even the only girl at this present time.

Ohyesiam · 04/07/2019 16:23

Only managed about 1/3 of that, but the why bother. If someone can’t stand up and say your 100%worth bothering with, let them go.
When I was single I realised that I would consider relationships with men who had a spine, were happy with themselves, and were totally into me.

readitandwept · 04/07/2019 16:24

'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

And this is a pretty shallow, sleazy, thing to say!

SuzieQ10 · 04/07/2019 16:27

I feel like he's been pretty blatant that he's not keen.
Just leave it.

crappyday2018 · 04/07/2019 16:30

Also, the more you hang around him, letting him treat you like this the more he will do it. You're showing him you have no boundaries so he will take advantage of this. He's not a very nice guy and is clearly still very hung up on his ex.

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:32

2 weeks after me going round he did find 1 free evening but cancelled Last minute for an understandable reason. But yeah apart from that he didnt find any time.

The thing is though he cited me as the issue, saying he saw I was getting upset about never seeing him and that he knew it wouldnt work with me as a result ? Well I know I should have just not even text him and left it, but i found that harsh, blaming me when he was never free.

Several months ago, I met his flatmate. I found him very attractive and felt guilty, I shouldnt as it's only natural and I am loyal and respectful. Anyway after he told me he just saw me as a friend it ended up coming out in the conversation. I suppose I felt guilty for it and also I was trying to console myself and say yeah maybe it's for the Best because of this as well etc.

He went absolutely ballistic, said i had really hurt him, it was so horrible of me and that he would 'try and forgive me in time'.

I was supposed to go to their upcoming party but he said he wasnt sure he wanted me going now as I would 'try and get with the housemate' ', I said i wouldnt dream of such a thing.
He had essentially just told me he wasn't into me, I never expected such a réaction. I said I found the flatmate attractive, not that i had feelings or anything.
Anyway he' forgave me ' 3 days later but has since mentioned it twice. I do not know why it got to him so much when he is not into me.
Just after this happened, the flatmate messaged me' hi' on Facebook but I did not reply. I don't know if he messaged me of his own accord or if the guy asked him to to see my reaction.

OP posts:
Smellbowpenisbeaker · 04/07/2019 16:35

Men are not these troubled, broken creatures battling against their instincts to fall in love. When a man likes a woman, he’s into it. That’s it. This guy is so clearly playing you and to be honest, it’s massively offensive to keep saying he’s not sure if he likes you. Fuck that! Get out!

readitandwept · 04/07/2019 16:37

I do not know why it got to him so much when he is not into me.

It dented his ego, but also gave him a stick to beat you with whenever suits him.

Smellbowpenisbeaker · 04/07/2019 16:39

It got to him because of the dynamic of your relationship. He’s barely into you but he thinks you’re obsessed with him and treats you like a possession he can mess with. When you exerted a level of free will, it jarred with his objectified view of you.

Smellbowpenisbeaker · 04/07/2019 16:42

But let’s be clear - it didn’t get to him because he’s besotted with you. That’s not how real life jealousy works. There’s nothing romantic about it.

Missingstreetlife · 04/07/2019 16:44

No happy ending here

Stillstrawberrywater · 04/07/2019 16:45

I read the first two paragraphs only....I couldn't be bothered with that level of faffing around from anyone let alone a guy. I'd have moved onto pastures new long ago.

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:46

I guess that makes sense, it was more of an ego thing. He refused to talk to me or meet me and made me out to be some horrible cow over 1 silly comment.
He denied asking the flatmate to message me so perhaps he was telling the truth but who knows.
An old school friend of his recently contacted me on Facebook. Nothing flirty or untoward just asking how I was doing. It's not somebody ive ever spoken to before but the guy knows him so I mentioned it in passing.

He seemed a little jealous for some reason. I later mentioned id got a new sofa at mine and he said "oh you'll have to invite Dale over" (the school guy) to try it out". Just silly and petty.

OP posts:
LittleWalnutTree · 04/07/2019 16:50

Oh good grief - he's a right drama-llama isn't he?

What a song and dance he is making over a few dates. I couldn't put up with all that faffing about waiting for him to make his mind up, change his mind, think about it, change his mind again.... ad infinitum.

And as for the comment about not deciding whether or not he liked you until you had slept together, ugh. Dump him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/07/2019 16:51

Omg. OP.

Please, please, please get some self respect. From somewhere.

He’s not interested. He’s stringing you along and dipping in for attention/drama/sex when he’s bored, all on his own terms.

Come on. Don’t treat yourself like crap.

Highandlow · 04/07/2019 16:51

Been through this -get rid. You deserve better.

yamadori · 04/07/2019 16:53

He's obsessively, scarily jealous when there is absolutely nothing for him to be jealous of, and you aren't even 'properly' going out together. Just imagine how this could end up.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:55

Thank you for all the replies. I think this has been a wake-up call for me ! I have been blaming myself and believing that I am just too difficult or full-on.
I am just going to stop texting him, full stop. I have been telling myself that he does like me but just commitment issues, still hurt by his ex etc.
I also saw him on Tinder with brand new pics a week after telling me he wasnt ready for a relationship.
I confronted him (I know I should have just left it but I wanted to hear the confirmation that it was just me) and he went crazy, saying how dare I call him a liar etc. And he hadnt been on in 6 months.
Maybe I got it wrong, but as I say he had pictures on there from that week.
I am going to move on and not waste anymore time on this. I will focus on myself and then see with time if I meet somebody right for me.

OP posts: