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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/07/2019 16:56

All this faff for a bloke who's not remotely interested in you except to taunt and make you feel bad. Just get rid of the self obsessed wanker.

Smellbowpenisbeaker · 04/07/2019 16:57

I really really hope you do. It’s absolutely the right course of action. Find someone lovely. You’ll know when you do because he’s not controlling, possessive, inconsistent or unkind.

French189 · 04/07/2019 17:07

Thank you, I really hope so too ! I have been very naïve. Ive known him for 7 months (even if there was a two month break) for him to say at this point he 'needs to see if he likes me or not' is ridiculous. I need to stop making excuses for him.

OP posts:
French189 · 04/07/2019 17:11

The flatmate has always been very kind with me and teases me frequently. In some ways, I now wish I had gone for him instead. I would never have done that out of respect, and he is now with somebody, but if nothing had ever happened in the first guy then I would have done.

OP posts:
French189 · 04/07/2019 17:12

After one of his rejections I told him that it was 'his loss'. That sounds petty I know. He replied that I was a 'horrible person.'

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 04/07/2019 17:12

Dump! If his flatmate is hot, then go round and shag him... Grin You don't owe this drama-llama a single fig!

French189 · 04/07/2019 17:16

Haha 😂 yes I just resent how bad he made me feel for it. If we were together and I had told him i had feelings for the flatmate. Every right to react that way. However he had rejected me and I made a daft comment that i found him attractive.
All of my friends said how much he was overreacting.
Ive been friendly to the flatmate but never flirty or messaged etc at all. I have no idea if he messaged me himself or if the guy told him to.
He is seeing someone now, even if he was not I couldnt do that anyway, but in another world I would have.

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 04/07/2019 17:17

What @crappyday2018 & @AtrociousCircumstance have said. Find some self esteem & leave him (not that you're with him in any sense of the word). Find someone who wants you......wants to be with you & respects you.

Stillstrawberrywater · 04/07/2019 17:21

Get on that phone right now and text something along the lines of 'nice knowing you, but i'm moving on, bye', then delete and block his number, don't look back, and move on.

TigerJoy · 04/07/2019 17:25

I couldn't even read the whole of your first message, the guy is a waste of your time. He's acted like a prick - never see or speak to him again.

You don't owe him anything and if I were you I'd ask the housemate out. You don't owe man no.1 anything - he's done nothing to deserve your loyalty and you were never together anyway so...? Why not?

SparklyMagpie · 04/07/2019 17:25

I think you are going over his reactions to the housemate because you're trying to find any reason to believe he likes you ( not trying to come across as a cow, just how its reads to me :) )

But yeah, you're his back up

And to be perfectly honest, if ANYBODY ever said they needed to have sex with me to see if they liked me, done right that fucking instant and you wouldn't be hearing from me again!

How on earth did you continue this after being told that?!?!

French189 · 04/07/2019 17:30

No don't worry you are absolutely right, I did try and use it as some sort of proof that he liked me, probably as there was not much else 😂

Sadly the flatmate is seeing somebody now, I know her and she is a nice girl, and plus I suppose he would probably not due to me and his best mate, but in other circumstances I would have done !

I should have left it after that how was I supposed to know comment. Just I need to work on not being so naïve and accommodating.

OP posts:
Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 17:31

He’s not into you, he’s playing you and probably has about five girls on the go... Sorry but sometimes being blunt is the only way. Drop him and find some self worth.

1forAll74 · 04/07/2019 17:32

Oh dear,all these weeks or months of all this messing around.and going nowhere so to speak.Glad the mist has cleared,and you have realised what an irritating and immature guy he is. Who needs all this crap,from a stupid non proper man !

Loopytiles · 04/07/2019 17:33

Don’t date until you’ve improved your self esteem and raised your bar.

Americanah · 04/07/2019 17:35

I only got halfway through your post and I was rolling my eyes at this guy, OP.

He sounds like a nightmare. Move on.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/07/2019 17:35

He doesn't sound like he likes you let alone fancies you.
Find yourself a man who will rearrange his diary so he can get to see you.

Loopytiles · 04/07/2019 17:39

I was rolling my eyes about OP putting up with his shit.

French189 · 04/07/2019 17:42

Thank you so much for the replies.
What has hurt me is that he told me that one of the reasons it would not work was because I was getting upset about him being too busy (it's not that i was crying or screaming or anything of the sort, I just told him what I felt about it and that surely we could find even an hour somewhere) because I hadnt seen him for 1 month. So he blamed me and made me believe I was too difficult or demanding, I believed it too, but everybody on here is saying that he was just taking me for a fool and making me see.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/07/2019 17:57

Suggesting that you are unreasonable for expressing feelings like that was a big red flag.

daisychain01 · 04/07/2019 18:02

It sounds exhausting OP.

Don't try and analyse anything he's said, he's a timewaster.

Onwards and upwards.

Whereissummerthisyear · 04/07/2019 18:05

Oh god I can’t believe all that on/off messing you around angst in your op. What are you doing? Tell him where to go. Stop going over and over it.

French189 · 04/07/2019 18:07

Thank you, you are right, it's just finding the courage when you are attached and that he keeps changing his mind, but I will have to do it now.

OP posts:
sadkoala · 04/07/2019 18:07

Seriously sometimes I wish I could eBay across some self respect to people on here!

He's a fuckboy. Not worth it. Drama llama. Ego driven waste of time.

Don't step in shit again.

You are worth more.

midsomermurderess · 04/07/2019 18:12

His reaction at the party when asked how long you'd been 'together' says, it all. You should have dropped him then. Like a stone. That's humiliating treatment.

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