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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
French189 · 06/07/2019 11:33

Very true that it's immature, I am sure I will be over it with time and happier whether I am with somebody else or not :) I must remember that he has essentially rejected me 3 times and that that is far too many times for anyone to put up with.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 06/07/2019 11:39

I think you should spend some time away from dating and try to get to the bottom of why you are willing to give someone who is not being very nice to you so many chances.

Do you find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable men generally? Was your parents relationship dysfunctional in some way? Was your own father distant and uncaring?

I used to be very much like you and used to chase men like this as somehow I thought if I could win them over then it would somehow mean I was 'worth' something. You need to stop seeking validation from men and find it within yourself. I used to hate those cliches about loving yourself but it really is true. He really doesnt sound worth it even if you 'won' him over. I bet he would continue to treat you terribly.

Never settle for someone who doesnt cherish you and know you are with the wrong person if you have to convince them of your worth.

French189 · 06/07/2019 16:38

That is a good point to make, thank you.
My relationship with my father is fine but I had an abusive relationship for 3 years, which ended 4 years ago. He was violent and verbally abusive, cheated both emotionally and otherwise and was in a relationship with this girl immediately after our split.

I have had counselling which has helped but I still have to work on gaining in self-esteem.
I have not had a long-term relationship since this one, but have had approximately 4 short-term scenarios; lasting 1-2 months.

It's always been the guy who ended it. The reasons were usually that I was 'too nice' 'no challenge' or simply just no reason.
For a few years I liked an emotionally unavailable character who said he 'couldnt form feelings after his ex'. He wanted a FWB type relationship but always said he 'saw me as a friend' and that the reason was that I was 'shy and awkward'.

The even more naïve 25 year-old me believed that pursuing FWB for some time would lead to him developing feelings. But with time I was able to stop this and let him know that I was only interested in a relationship. He has tried to restart it a couple of times but I have remained firm.

I think I have lost confidence. I am told I'm very attractive, intelligent and kind, and try to have a positive outlook. I suppose I never expected dating to be this tough and constant rejection hurts, but I must continue to work on myself and realise that it is not always personal.

I suppose I have in a way chased this guy i' order to try and make it work and avoid going through it yet again. But I will continue to work on myself and improve in confidence.

OP posts:
French189 · 07/07/2019 15:35

Just an update, I actually ended up bumping into him on a run. We both said it was over for good and wasn't going to work. I tried to be amical and positive about it. This is for the best; he did not seem too bothered at all as he was never really into me.
Onwards and upwards now. There were obviously good times and conversations and I will miss those but given all the rest I know I am much better off now.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 07/07/2019 20:49

Well done OP - that sounds dignified of you. He wasn’t worth your time. Onwards and upwards, yes!

Miniloso · 07/07/2019 21:02

Thank goodness you found out early on that he’s not going to be a good partner or a kind, decent guy who behaves with empathy for other people. You dodged a bullet!!

French189 · 07/07/2019 21:20

Yeah, I tried to wish him well for the future and I wished him a good holiday and such but he had nothing nice in return to say. Perhaps he thought that was the best way to go about it.
He was really not worth it indeed, and I am feeling very relieved already. Just wish it hadn't dragged on like it did !
Thank you again so much, this thread really did help me to see the light.

OP posts:
smurfette1818 · 07/07/2019 22:40

OP would suggest you to check out: Why men love bitches and The Man Diet (by Zoe Strimpel I think), definitely worth reading.

French189 · 08/07/2019 05:44

Thank you ! I have had a brief look at the former before. The thing is I wasn't constantly available, I was busy too it's just that he was Never free which isn't normal. When I stopped suggesting and told him to let me know, he said I was arsey.

If I challenged him or said I didn't like something he did I was labelled as moody, or he would say 'you're going to go in a mood'.

I would also wait several days between messages to see if he would message first but of course he didn't.

I don't really know what he was looking for, but yes if ever challenged he would always get défensive and turn the blame around.

That said, I feel with him that irrespective of how I was, I was a fool to let it drag on so long I know. I will have to learn for the future but still, he has shown himself to be capable of that behaviour no matter whether I was too nice or not.

When i talked about being in a relationship (after knowing him 7 months, he told me I was 'being really full-on'. Then when the next day I explained we could see how it goes and keep like that for now, but I was looking for a relationship, not FWB, he said 'oh so youre trying to play it cool now ?' and not in a jokey way.
Just a nasty immature character but it will hopefully make me tougher and wiser, I will not care about him now :)

OP posts:
Dieu · 08/07/2019 06:56

Please stop making yourself so available. He is messing with your head big time, and is 100% not worth it. Do some work on your boundaries and expectations before embarking on a new relationship, and your dignity MUST always come before any man.
You can do this OP, and good luck! Thanks

Scarlettmaid · 08/07/2019 07:31

Quel sale type.
I am glad it's over now but just wanted to add that he sounds abusive to me.
Whenever you wanted to raise an issue , you were a bitch , you were moody.
When you wanted to advise him, you were a bitch.
According to his Facebook posts, his ex was a bitch too.
Funny how it's always someone else's fault with that guy.
He was disrespectful, he was playing games, but somehow you were the one with the issue?
Do yourself a favour and do not believe that crap.
Your past suggests that you need to love yourself, and it sounds like you have a lot to love yourself for.
At 28 you are still young and you can just have fun before starting a serious relationship.
I was in an abusive relationship, I was raised by a narcissistic mother . I am French too and it is no coincidence that I moved countries to be away from both of them.
Unfortunately history can repeat itself as you know.
After being abused we sometimes continue to feel attracted to the wrong type. But it is also true that the wrong type knows where to find us and how to charm us.
I am now 39 and happily married to a decent guy so believe me it can and will happen.
But very recently there has been a man in my life who has tried that shit with me, in spite of knowing I am not available.
So we have to watch it.
How is your job? You run, so that's great.
Anything else you do that makes you happy?
Treat yourself to the things you like. Find some happiness in other stuff and learn that you deserve so much more than those wankers OP.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 07:46

French189

Yeah, I tried to wish him well for the future and I wished him a good holiday and such but he had nothing nice in return to say. Perhaps he thought that was the best way to go about it.

No, it's because he's just a not nice, miserable dickhead. As shown in by his bitter, embarrassing social media posts. He woukdve been a pain in the arse to be in a relationship with, you're v lucky he didn't want one.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 07:53

*even when he has been seeing me he posted 'I loved you more than you deserved', 'I wish you could have been honest with me' 'next time I develop a crush on someone, please just punch me in the face'.

I tried to ask him about them and he told me he 'had not been ok for 6 months'.
I tried to give him some advice about letting go of the anger from his ex (that's what he had told me a large issue was).*

In fact rereading this makes me think he's taking his anger and bitterness for his ex/previous relationship out on other women; because he can't take it out on her (apart from ridiculous sm posts)

French189 · 08/07/2019 10:30

@Scarlettmaid effectivement quel con 😂.
Yes, that's true sadly. Even when I saw him on dating sites back after telling me he could not date anyone due to his issues, when I confronted him it was my fault and that was the reason it wouldnt work out.

I am very happy to hear that you have met somebody nice and managed to get out of those negative situations, that's great :)
Yes effectively I must continue to work on myself now and not believe what this man has told me.

@Moralitym1n1 yes, that makes sense really. He knows the ex has long moved on and could care less.
When he got so angry about the flatmate (and brought it up twice after that despite claiming it was forgotten) I felt like that was also him taking out his anger.
I tried to tell him that not all women were his ex and were going to hurt him.

OP posts:
LittleMiss2011 · 08/07/2019 14:54

OP, I hope that you have blocked this man. You can do better, go for a person who wants you back. Don't chase after any man

Look at this quote. Please raise your bars higher - imagine your life with a man like that 6 months, 6 years … you will be reduced to a shell of yourself.

If a man want and respect you - he would never allow you to lose your self respect and esteem chasing him. Do not forget that no one is ever that busy, it's all about what priority you are on their list.

Sending you love and courage to be strong enough to get to know yourself and take time off dating.

Stop bothering with this guy ?
smurfette1818 · 08/07/2019 20:44

I think OP applying the principle from the book would mean you don't accept crumbs, if a man is disrespectful, you immediately walk away. There is no need to explain, you simply don't engage with people who don't respect you. This will mean you would never be in a position having to challenge him, confront him about him being on a dating site or suggesting to go out multiple times.

You may suggest once and when asked, they should be keen, quick to take charge and make effort to show that they are grateful for your invite. If their reaction is any less than that, they are not worth it. If someone is not very concerned with impressing you, they don't have the right to be in your life.

French189 · 08/07/2019 22:23

Thank you for the replies. Youre right, the mistake I made was hanging around and trying to challenge it, I should have just walked away because that is what I do in other situations.

He told me I have been 'crazy' about the whole situation. But I got a shred of apology from him, he admitted he 'had not been easy', but blamed it on mental health.

The day he told me it would never work with us and called me horrible etc. I deleted him and explained that I was doing so and why, as it would help me to move on. If he wasn't that interested, I didnt think he would be too bothered.

Anyway, he later said that it was 'really childish' of me to do so and said 'we were not even together anyway'.
I explained that even if we had never been official that it had still meant something and that we had talked a lot and spent time together.

I said to him, I will re add you if you want, and he said its up to you. So I did it. He didn't accept it and told me 'i've done that to make a point'.
I asked why he had told me it was 'up to me' and he said 'it is and it's up to me if I accept'. Just downright nasty and calculated.

He said that I had 'put him off' by talking about a relationship. I lamented that if that was the case, he wasn't very into it and it would never have worked anyway as a result.

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 09/07/2019 06:30

You have honestly had a lucky escape. I fought really hard for a relationship with a difficult man with lots of issues. I ignored so many red flags and in the end I ‘won’ as in he moved in and ‘committed’ to me. But here I am, 15 years later in an emotionally (and very occasionally) physically abusive relationship with someone who won’t leave but who spends his life being resentful and spiteful towards me. I wanted him SO much but now I don’t know why. He can be charming and clever and attractive but none of that is directed at me anymore. And he never became less difficult really. I am pretty sure he is unfaithful too. It has been the most draining time. So be careful what you wish for. If you can work on yourself more to boost your self esteem before you fall for someone else, you will be doing yourself a massive favour. I used to think I was so strong and brave for tolerating all the crap I have been put through by my partner but I actually see now I am weak with no self respect in reality. That guy sounds like a complete nightmare. Try to see it as a good warning for finding someone kinder and more balanced instead.

French189 · 09/07/2019 12:20

@Mummadeeze I am so sorry you are in this relationship. Please, I hope you find the courage to leave him. No person who loves and respects you would be emotionally or physically abusive.

Don't let him bring you down. You are not weak and you do have self-respect.
I really hope you will leave this sorry excuse of a man and find a kind, respectful gentleman.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 09/07/2019 14:08

It's not enough to delete, you need to block this guy!
Trust me, i'm sure every woman who has ever dealt with a man like this will agree with this, he WILL be back, he's used to using you as an ego boost and enjoys the attention, he will struggle without it and will want to check in now and again to make sure he's still desirable!

French189 · 09/07/2019 19:20

Yes he may well indeed be back to seek an ego boost unless he gets somebody else.
He was probably angry about me deleting him (even though he had just rejected me and told me to have a nice life) because like with the flatmate story it took away from this idea of me pining for him and the possibility of me moving on. He was cruel to call me childish and over the top for it.
I do feel better that he is out of my life even though I am still hurting. I am in the mindset of wanting to forget him rather than wanting to go back which is good, and I am seeing a therapist this week.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 09/07/2019 21:53

Unfortunately it sounds like he wasn’t that into you. Move on and find someone that is.

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2019 22:37

Ahh it's shit OP isn't it

I'll be honest,I'm still not convinced if he came sniffing back, you wouldn't go to him

It's hard but try not to go over details and things that he's said.

You're better off without him, sod him the little shit and you focus on you and there is someone out there!

Easier said than done, but honestly, you deserve better than this shit. You sound a really lovely, fun woman and you deserve someone who bounces back and forth off that with you

You've got this Smile

French189 · 10/07/2019 06:18

@SparklyMagpie thank you :) you are right. I doubt he would come sniffing back, but I must keep in mind that he called me crazy, horrible, childish, full-on and moody (at least to my face). And said he did not understand why I was upset as 'we were never official anyway'. And that petty Facebook stunt.
I am taking each day as it comes, I must remember that I am very Lucky to not be with him that i've had a very lucky escape; it's only uphill from here and i'm sure I will feel better every day :)

OP posts:
French189 · 10/07/2019 19:52

I have done a therapy session and it really helped a lot, I will continue with it 😊

OP posts:
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