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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 09:19

He will stop trying to get reactions when he stops getting a reaction.
So just ignore it all.
You are moving on.
Well done OP.

French189 · 16/07/2019 15:20

Thank you, I am moving on yes, I am not analysing his behaviour anymore and I am just trying to forget the cruel words, because that says more about him.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 17/07/2019 15:34

OP, I had a feeling when I first read your thread that he was a narcissist but wasnt too sure so didnt want to jump to conclusions.

Now I have seen your update, I'd be willing to bet he is one.

Read up on narcissistic smear campaigns.

Please do not take what he says personally. You have caused a narcissistic injury by abandoning him (even though he forced the abandonment it is what they fear the most which just shows how fucked up and twisted their minds are). Because of that, he is now trying to punish you by calling you crazy to your friends and make you look like the bad guy. This is classic narc behaviour and I suggest you ask your friends not to respond and block him from everything because he is not going to let this go until he feels you have been sufficiently 'punished' for ending things.

The fact that you have been in previously abusive (and likely narcissistic relationships) makes you very vulnerable to this type of abuse again in the future.

I'd suggest reading up as much as you can about narcissism and the red flags and also get to the bottom of your codependency issues and heal from previous abuse. I used to be very much like you, finding myself in numerous abusive or shitty relationships where I always compromised on my happiness. The last straw was 3 short term abusive relationships with narcs in succession, which forced me to face up to the role I played in repeatedly allowing myself to be a victim and tolerating anything less than a kind, supportive, loving partner.

I am choosing to stay single until I am on top of this because abusive men can sniff out vulnerability and you will continue to be targeted until you heal and learn how to spot abuse early on and feel comfortable asserting your boundaries. It's a long painful process but infinitely better than being stuck beneath the veil in a cycle of abusive relationships.

You've had a lucky escape from this one. Count your blessings and rejoice in your freedom!!

French189 · 18/07/2019 15:24

Thank you so much. I am trying to move on in every sense of the word. I have stopped analysing his behaviour but I miss him terribly. I know I shouldnt; I don't even know what it is I am missing. Nothing is going to change.
I had a date lined up and got ghosted just before it. It's knocked my confidence which wasnt high after this but that's part and parcel of the dating world I guess.
I hope I will feel better in time.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 18/07/2019 20:39

Stay strong @French189, you have done what so many find difficult which is to walk away from a situation that made you feel like shit. Trust me, you have dodged a huge bullet here even though it may not feel like it when you remember his 'good points'. I suspect it has more to do with your fear of being alone than anything about this particular guy. Look up healing from codependency on youtube. There are some really good videos-Lisa Romano is my favourite.

Dont take the ghosting personally. Anyone who ghosts is a coward and likely just as bad as the guy you have just binned. Try to stay single for a while and resist the urge to date until you have regained some self esteem and worked on your boundaries. That's what I'm doing at the moment because I was repeatedly targeted by abusive dickheads because my self esteem is so low.

It is hard but way better than being with an arsehole. It's a cliche but you have to learn to love and validate yourself. It's the only way to not end up with another arsehole xx

French189 · 19/07/2019 16:23

Thanks a lot for the reply. Just come across my ex again on the site 'looking to see how it goes dating then hopefully a relationship'. Had a date yesterday and got the 'no spark' text before. That plus the ghosting in the space of 2 days.
I know I can be happy alone, but I have not had a serious relationship in 4 years and I would really like someone at this point.
Never felt so crap as I do right now.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/07/2019 16:41

OP date yourself for a while, I don't think you're ready for dating any one else right now. Treat yourself with whatever makes you happy, whether it's coffee in a lovely place, a new book, pamper treats, visiting a gallery, whatever you like. Give yourself space and time.

French189 · 19/07/2019 16:56

You are right, I am best doing that. Just tired of being treated so badly. It hurts that he strung me along and now is advertising himself as wanting a relationship.

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/07/2019 17:04

Well you know the truth, just pity the next poor woman who gets entangled with him!

French189 · 20/07/2019 19:20

I will have to do that :) actually bumped into him today at a fête (that's the thing with living in a small area) he smiled and said Hi. Just focusing on me, getting more into running to give myself something to work on :)

OP posts:
walker05 · 11/08/2019 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

French189 · 14/08/2019 23:00

I am starting to feel much better. Not fully over it by any means but feel much less upset. Just remind myself of all the ridiculous and mean stuff he said.. I still occasionally look on his social media, I know it's bad but i'll eventually stop fully. Anyway, I saw this evening that he had added 33 New girls on Facebook in 1 day ! I know it's not my business anymore, but wow !
Thanks again for all of the advice on here though, it really did help me to see things as they were and give me the reality check needed.

OP posts:
GoodBoyGhost · 14/08/2019 23:11

How are you able to tell who he adds on Facebook? I think it's best to block his profile so he doesn't pop up in your newsfeed at all

walker05 · 21/08/2019 11:57

Yeah, i've done that in the end because I could still see updates of him via my mates. Saw he was at a football game Last night even though he claimed he was never free to meet on week nights because he finished too late.
I am moving on though and have had 2 dates with someone else who seems lovely, which is good :))

walker05 · 21/08/2019 11:58

Via his mates *

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