Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
French189 · 05/07/2019 08:40

Thank you for the latest replies ! It's a very good question @dangerrabbit. I do want a relationship myself. I don't think i'm looking for marriage etc. At this point but I do want something official as opposed to a FWB type thing.
I suppose i'm an introverted person and right at the beginning I liked that we were seeing each other 1-2 times per week, we both had our own lives and he was not suffocating in any way.
But now it's gone the other way and as I said it's been barely once a month.
I have found it hard to let go of him which is silly I know. I think i've been holding onto the 'old' version of him.
I had been telling myself, just see how things go, he will come round eventually and you will end up in a relationship, but no it is not going to work like that and I need to regain my self-esteem.

He posts various cryptic things on Facebook, sometimes several times per day. Even when he has been seeing me he posted 'I loved you more than you deserved', 'I wish you could have been honest with me' 'next time I develop a crush on someone, please just punch me in the face'.

I tried to ask him about them and he told me he 'had not been ok for 6 months'.
I tried to give him some advice about letting go of the anger from his ex (that's what he had told me a large issue was).

I know it wasnt my place to just give out advice. He got angry and said he knew I was trying to help but it was really none of my business so just leave it.
I apologised and said that truthfully there was probably little I could say and that it was ultimately down to him.

The next day he said I had really pissed him off by giving him advice and cited it as another reason as 'why it would not work' but said he knew I was trying to help.

The popular opinion on here seems to be to just not message him. I hope he will not do this to any future prospects, but I know that should not be any concern of mine.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 08:57

Sorry posted too soon.

This guy should seriously not be dating.

He's completely hung up past relationship/situation.

Since he didn't have the sense or decency not to get involved with someone when he so clearly shouldn't be, youre going to have to get out of it and stop letting him mess you around and throw you scraps depending on his mood/mental state.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 09:00
  • completely hung up on his past relationship/situation.
LadyBrienneofTarth · 05/07/2019 09:14

IMO posting cryptic things on social media is attention seeking and immature

You need to walk away

You sound like to are still trying to justify him being a prat

There is no justification for treating another person badly

Walk away

Pinkgin22 · 05/07/2019 10:31

You’re so into him op because he’s rejected you. The separation anxiety that comes with rejection makes someone instantly more attractive to us, like craving a drug that once brought us feelings of europhia. He’s being selfish by doing this to you OP constantly rejecting you so he doesn’t risk getting hurt again. He shouldn’t be dating at all & until he gets his s**t together he will continue to do this. You need to stop looking for reasons he likes you (because it sounds to me like he does) & realise that his issues are not yours to fix & you can’t fix him. Cut him off & find someone who can offer you what you want, not someone who draws you in by toying with you.

SmellbowPenisBeaker · 05/07/2019 11:39

No. If you like someone you treat them with respect. You care about how you make them feel. He does not like you - and this isn’t a reflection on you, it’s him.

MashedSpud · 05/07/2019 11:58

He treated you nicely at first because he wanted to have sex with you.

He's using his ex and mh issues to treat you (and probably others) like crap.

Block him on everything. No goodbye message, he doesn't deserve closure.

You're worth a lot more than this guy. Forget him.

GinoGinelliAnyone · 05/07/2019 12:12

OP, I’ve been in the exact situation, even down to the MH issues and social media statuses pining over his ex. He treated me exactly the same as your guy until I woke up one day, thought ‘fuck this’ and binned him off.

Please do yourself a favour and walk away from him for good. Like me, you’re hoping that the person he presented to you originally will resurface and he’ll be the nice, keen bloke that hooked you in the first place but the truth is that won’t happen. He’s still hung up on the ex (red flag in itself) and is not in the right place mentally to date anyone. He’s emotionally unavailable and he’s playing you like a fiddle - you deserve so much better.

His behaviour is not a reflection on you at all so please do not blame yourself for any of this. One thing I’ve learned from dating is that if someone is into you and wants you, you KNOW: there’s no angst or anxiety, theres no hot and cold bullshit and you don’t question or blame yourself. There’s better for you out there Flowers

French189 · 05/07/2019 12:46

Thank you for the recent replies. He must still be hung up on her, hence all these cryptic Facebook posts.
I must not take it personally as others have said, as it is a reflection on him.
I suppose I have been telling myself he does like me, it's just his mental health issues.
But no I must repeat to myself, he does not like me, he does not care about me nor does he respect me. Once I swallow that pill it will be easier in the long run.
I really appreciate all this help ! I am confident that this will not happen again and I will meet somebody in the future who likes me in the way I like them, and until then I will be happy by myself.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 13:14

It is actually really pathetic and immature to be posting these cryptic, bitter, emotional things on SM. If he has any sense at all he'll look back on them and utterly cringe; though if he had much sense he wouldn't be putting them in the first place.

He's not free to get emotionally involved with anyone, that's the bottom line. But he sounds like a bit of a dick anyway.

French189 · 05/07/2019 15:27

Yes I agree. It may be his way of venting, but it's true it was a red flag for him to do it when he was 'seeing' me.
Another thing that happened was about 6 weeks after i'd met him. He told me that he had bumped into his ex walking the dog they used to share and that this had put him in a horrible mood for the day.

The 2nd time he rejected me (seems ridiculous to even write that) he told me he 'kept seeing reminders of his ex'.

I suppose I thought initially that even though he was not fully over her, he did like me and that would come with time, as I guess people try and move on by meeting other people.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 18:14

All this is just proof that he shouldn't be seeing anyone; he's being selfish and stupid by even trying. He's starting to remind me of Paul Rudd's character in The 40yr old virgin.

He really needs to take the time and do the work on himself instead of involving innocent people on his bitter, self indulgent self pity fest. He's not offering a decent relationship, or a relationship at all really.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 05/07/2019 18:35

He sounds like a teenager - incredibly immature

ashtrayheart · 05/07/2019 18:41

I think you will look back on this and think what on earth were you thinking!
He sounds immature and cringey. Please block him on all social media and communication and note how free you feel. Please!

French189 · 05/07/2019 19:38

I probably will look back and regret this. I do feel bad for him as he genuinely seems to have issues and I hope he sorts them, but like others have said it is most definitely no excuse to treat others badly.

OP posts:
LadyBrienneofTarth · 05/07/2019 19:41

@French189 he does have issues but from what you have described he isn't being mature in how he handles them or deals with them - he isn't over the girlfriend and he is quick to blame his deficiencies on you

Have you blocked him ? Deleted all contacts? Have you organized something fun to do ? The time to take action is right now.

FinallyHere · 05/07/2019 19:45

Wot OldWomanSaysThis says ^

He's just not that into you, but he doesn't have the next one lined up yet.

Sorry OP

French189 · 05/07/2019 19:49

Yes you are right. He is blaming everything on me. In all the time I have known him, he has never once apologised for anything or said, "I should not have said that" for example.

I have yes, going to keep busy, and focus on myself. Then when the time is right I will maybe sign up to online dating and give it a go :)

OP posts:
Peanutbutterforever · 05/07/2019 20:04

Don't give the prat another thought.

Biggles398 · 05/07/2019 20:33

He may well quite like you, but he's certainly no where near over his ex. Please don't waste any more time or effort on him

French189 · 05/07/2019 22:10

Well i've already seen him on two of the dating sites i've joined today. 🙄 Makes me feel a little crappy as he is putting on all of them that he wants a relationship. Such is life I guess.

OP posts:
Fonduefrolics · 05/07/2019 22:25

Block him on everything French189 otherwise it’ll be like a scab you can’t stop picking at. He is NOT worth your headspace.

Sagradafamiliar · 06/07/2019 07:39

He's putting himself out there because he's a total beg who loves attention. Posting juvenile attention-seeking status' like he is 12 years old is utterly cringeworthy- maybe thinking about those might be a tool for helping you move on.

amy85 · 06/07/2019 08:51

Stop messaging him...he's not interested...you deserve better

ashtrayheart · 06/07/2019 09:32

Block him on the sites too. My friend who had the same experience used to find her head fuck on dating sites too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread