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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
LadyBrienneofTarth · 04/07/2019 18:13
  1. He's not into you - you are back up option => never be someone's back up option
  1. He's seriously mean with what he says to you and it looks like he's manipulative with how he twists things to make them your fault when they are clearly not => doesn't bode well for future - if he's like this now, what will he be like after a few years and real life stressors
  1. Walk away - delete number, profile, links - block everything - don't text or explain or say bye - walk away NOW
  1. Schedule some super fun things to do that you enjoy to keep you busy and get you engaged in new stuff outside your comfort zone so you gave multiple things to look forward to

Good luck love - no one deserves this shit for a partner

LadyBrienneofTarth · 04/07/2019 18:15

@French189 ask yourself why you are "attached" - this guy seriously treats you badly- what exactly are you attached to ? Being mistreated ? Disrespected ? Gaslighted?

Turn away

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/07/2019 18:16

He keeps changing his mind BECAUSE YOU LET HIM. He knows you'll be hanging around waiting for him to throw a crumb of interest your way. Take control, OP, and simply end it. It will fuck with your mental health if you keep trying to hang on to something that isn't really there.

No dithering Herbert of a bloke is worth all this analysing and angst.

SwordofGryffindor · 04/07/2019 18:23

Hes just not that into you.

Pinkgin22 · 04/07/2019 18:26

He could like you Op, but he certainly doesn’t respect you does he?
What exactly is he bringing to the table?

ashtrayheart · 04/07/2019 18:33

One of my friends had a thing with a bloke like this, he messed her about for a couple of years! He liked the attention as every time she tried to cut ties, after a while he would send a vague message and it would start up again. Eventually I was sick of hearing about it and strongly encouraged her to block him on everything and move on! She recovered quite quickly once she cut him off totally.

SandAndSea · 04/07/2019 18:49

I agree with everyone else. He sounds awful!! He's playing you and isn't at all respectful or caring towards you.

Please decide up front what you want, how you want to feel and how you want to be treated. From there, look for a match to what you want and move quickly away from men who aren't going to give you that. (This is very different from trying to guess if he likes you or not and fitting in with him all the time.) Put your attention on you!

French189 · 04/07/2019 19:08

Thank you again for the replies greatly appreciated. It's true that if this were my friend i'd be telling her to cut him off in a heartbeat.
The first few dates he was lovely (I suppose people often are) and I suppose i'm telling myself, this is the real him, once we get it sorted it will be back to that.
He also suffers from dépression which means I am making extra allowances for him in my mind.
However I need to stop being naïve, deluded and lacking in self-respect.
I'm sure it will be tough at first and it will hurt for some time, but I will then realise it was absolutely for the best.

OP posts:
JulyJuly19 · 04/07/2019 19:18

Please just stop even thinking about this total waste of space OP.

'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?' this says it all.

What a total idiot. Not even worth waiting your thinking energy or oxygen on. Move on and learn.

JulyJuly19 · 04/07/2019 19:18

*wasting

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2019 19:19

He's completely emotionally unavailable. You need to dig deep about why you find this attractive. It should be a huge turn off but I suspect your self esteem is quite low to allow someone who clearly doesnt want to commit to anything to stay in your life.

MummyofTw0 · 04/07/2019 19:19

He's just not that into you
Sorry x

LadyBrienneofTarth · 04/07/2019 19:45

@French189 from your posts you don't sound convinced - you're saying the right things but in the future tense

"However I need to stop being naïve, deluded and lacking in self-respect.
I'm sure it will be tough at first and it will hurt for some time, but I will then realise it was absolutely for the best."

I have found it's easier to take action if I am more definitive about what I intend to do

If you really do want to do something about it try this:

However I have stopped being naïve, deluded and lacking in self-respect.
It is tough at first and hurts for but I now realise it is absolutely for the best.

Say this over and over again

And block every way of contacting him and then come back and tell us that you've done it

VixenSixen · 04/07/2019 20:11

This whole situation is so much more complicated than it should ever be this early on in the game.

I would be investing my time and energy elsewhere, he has you dangling by a string at the moment and it's unbelievably unfair of him to do this.

But guess what - take back control of the situation and leave him to it. Don't give him anymore of your time and focus your efforts on someone worth your time and energy before this man completely robs you of all your self esteem xxx

French189 · 04/07/2019 20:53

@LadyBrienneofTarth thank you, I am going to repeat that.
I need to know that I deserve more than this. He told me I was being "really full-on" by mentioning the idea of a relationship.
I have deleted him off all social networks now.
Not sure whether to send him a final message to explain or to just say nothing.
I just want him to know I have wised up to his behaviour

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 04/07/2019 20:56

Christ on a bike you sound like a needy 14 yr old, anew relationship is meant to be fun, not months of analysing and bullshit.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/07/2019 20:57

He won't recognise the shittiness of his own behaviour and has already cast you as the 'full-on' type so I doubt any response of his would do you any good. Leave him stumped for once.
Well done on moving way, way upwards and onwards and good luck!

LadyBrienneofTarth · 04/07/2019 21:01

Do not message him
He will only interpret that as needy
Don't do it
Walk away

Loopytiles · 04/07/2019 21:03

No contact best.

NabooThatsWho · 04/07/2019 21:03

Not sure whether to send him a final message to explain or to just say nothing.

I really wouldn’t bother OP, he doesn’t care that much, you wouldn’t gain anything from doing so.
Just block him and make a clean break.

Spend a bit of time alone, reflecting and enjoying your life.

inmyshoos · 04/07/2019 21:32

bookworm how unkind...

Op you deserve more. I have personal experience if a very similar situation where mental health played a huge part in his behaviour and its easy to make excuses. But you deserve to be loved and respected regardless of his issues.

Pinkgin22 · 04/07/2019 22:22

@Bookworm4
The OP is having her feelings toyed around by this ‘man’.
If you had someone pulling you in one minute and pushing you away the next you’d be analysing too. It’s a natural response to the anxiety we feel when we’re attached to someone.

Op I hear a lot of self blame in your posts & I just want to assure you that all of this is a ‘him’ issue. Not yours.

LittleWalnutTree · 04/07/2019 23:38

He may well be depressed but to be totally honest, his issues have nothing to do with you at all. You don't have to put up with it, pander to his whims, wait for him to sort himself out (he won't, he will just make everything out to be your fault somehow, even though it isn't) and you certainly don't have to make his mental health your responsibility.

Miniloso · 04/07/2019 23:40

OP, it’s all him. He’s manipulating and gaslighting you. Be glad you found out early on. Walk away and do not lower your integrity, soul and needs for this utterly horrible man.

dangerrabbit · 05/07/2019 06:23

This guy is a real game player and clearly not a long term relationship prospect.

Personally, I am interested in your interest in this man. What is it about him that makes him so much more appealing than a decent guy who would be straightforward with you? While you are having a thing with this guy, you give him headspace you could offer to healthier relationships. You may have to ask yourself whether you have your own commitment phobia and that’s why you’re choosing to retain interest in this man?