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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop bothering with this guy ?

165 replies

French189 · 04/07/2019 16:10

I'm 28 and was seeing a guy for around 2 months. He seemed keen and I saw him weekly or twice a week. After knowing him a month he came to mine and we had dinner and he stayed over. Seemed a little off and quiet, and then ended up telling me that I made him nervous but he didnt know why.

The next day I texted him saying I didnt want him to feel nervous as I did really like him. (I never said anything about us bei'g together etc) anyway this comment seemed to scare him off and he said he 'wasnt sure what he wanted' (hed told me right at the start he wanted a relationship). Asking to take it slowly and that he did like me. Then he said at first he wanted to see if it would go somewhere but then for the Last few weeks hed seen me 'more as a friend'. I asked why he had spent the night if he knew I was only a friend and he said 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didnt sleep with you ?'

Anyway 4 days later he came back saying he did like me and wasnt sure if would work but wanted to give it a go with me. Id known him almost 2 months and we were at a house party at his. A friend of his asked him how long we had been together, and he recoiled and said, 'together ?!'.
The next week he seemed a bit distant and said he was very busy (he had plans with friends every night) and didnt ask me to sleep over.
He started posting on Fb about dépression and anxiety. We were still messaging and had plans to go for a walk together on that Sunday.
I asked him if he was OK and he said 'it's not just you im not sure about' and said he was generally unhappy, not sure what he wanted etc and not ready for a relationship.
I got tearful but accepted and said I understood. He claimed it was 'nothing to do with me' just him, said he was 'still angry about his ex' and 'maybe in the future'.

Tried to stay friends but I found it too hard. Ended up distancing myself and then 2 months later it was my birthday. I messaged him to invite him and he accepted.
On the night out we got on really well and then ended up texting every day with flirty texts. I ended up going round to his a week later and sleeping together. We said we would see how things go.

The problem was that i didnt see him for a month after that as he was always 'too busy'. He lives 1 mile from me, doesnt work nights or week-ends and doesnt have kids. After à month I ended up telling him what I thought about it that i felt like he was never free and that we could have surely found time. He got a bit défensive, told me to calm down (even though i wasnt being angry at all) and said he was trying.
I said we could just leave it and id understand but he said he still wanted to.
We ended up going for lunch a week later, but he stayed less than 2h and said he had stuff to do.
We ended up talking about what it was and he said, let's see what happens. Then the conversation turned into sexting.
I was worried he might think it was FWB so a few days later I ended up just telling him that i was looking for a relationship as opposed to à casual scénario or fwb, that we could obviously take our time etc. And see but that that's what I was looking for.
He seemed very taken aback and said he does want someone but me and him are not good together because we have been rocky etc. And it would never work.
I was gutted but it was a rejection so i had to accept and move on.
Now a week later hes saying I just 'threw that at him' and he will 'think about it'. He said he wants something easy, to see where it goes, and I said i was totally on board for that. Then he said he needed to see if he liked me or not, I didnt say anything to that but he has known me for 7 months, surely hed know by now ?
Not spoken since but absolutely baffled by him. Really dont want anything on and off and he doesnt seem to know what he wants. Does it sound like he likes me, or is just after 1 thing ? No idea at all with him.

OP posts:
Frankola · 10/07/2019 20:31

I'm sorry to say this but he's really obviously stringing you on and sleeping with you when it suits.

He has no interest in a relationship or commitment.

You're way to good for him. You sound so much nicer than he does! Please find someone better

French189 · 11/07/2019 20:27

Thank you :) with hindsight I wish I had walked away earlier. It's clear he was not that interested at all, and overall he is just not a very nice person. I have finally seen the light and will never go back there. I am free of him :)

OP posts:
Isisv · 12/07/2019 05:42

Please go No Contact immediately.

French189 · 12/07/2019 13:25

I have gone NC and it really was the right décision :) thank you :)

OP posts:
French189 · 14/07/2019 19:43

Well, just an update. So I havent spoken to him in a week; i've been trying my best moving on and feeling positive. Then today, he messages on Facebook my best friend, who he doesn't even know, and says "hey, sorry for the random message, just wanted to know, is she always that crazy, if you get what I mean ?"
I didn't know how to react, I just burst out laughing. I won't even bother confronting him.

The thing is, he rejected me and didn't want to stay in contact so i'm like, why are you still talking about me and thinking about me ? Àbsolute pig

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/07/2019 21:14

Just ignore the message and tell your friend not to reply but to block him. He’s trying to get a reaction out if you, he can’t do it directly so he’s now going via your friends.

Honestly, who says that to an ex’s friend who they’ve never met before?? He sounds deranged

French189 · 14/07/2019 21:45

Thank you, my friend had already replied before I had a chance to tell her anything, she was very kind and stuck up for me. Then he said 'she's put me off and it will never work out now.' this is because I wanted a relationship.
So I am glad I put him off if he is capable if doing stuff like this to me.
Exactly, he knows who my friend is but tjey have never spoken or spent time together.
If im so off-putting then why is he still thinking of me and talking to others about me, go out and meet someone else then.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 14/07/2019 21:59

That’s utterly horrendous behaviour! Seriously, he has a very damaged personality to have done this. I hope she has now blocked him. He’s scary!!

French189 · 14/07/2019 22:10

It's absolutely disgusting I agree. I was first sat shaking then I ended up laughing and trying to see the funny side because I didn't know how to react.
I dont think she's blocked him, I cannot make her but he hopefully will not message her again, if he does so I will ask if she can ignore it.
I do wonder why on earth. Or perhaps he is using it as an excuse to now try and go for my friend..

OP posts:
Miniloso · 14/07/2019 23:05

He sounds like he is just trying to rattle your cage - it’s attention seeking. He’s probably upset you are not begging him to take you back! Massive ego and a deeply unpleasant and damaged personality.

French189 · 15/07/2019 05:43

That is all I can really think of. I could understand if i'd broke into his house, slashed his tyres etc.. But yeah I hadnt spoken to him for a week, well since it ended. He can honestly do one, I really hope it won't happen again.

OP posts:
TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 05:46

He sounds unhinged, thank your lucky stars you escaped that one.

As soon as a guy says you make him neevous, run. I have had this off so many men and it is basically code for "you have an actual personality and I don't like that."

French189 · 15/07/2019 08:30

Thank you. You are right ! I am still in shock about yesterday ; just feels like him twisting in the knife even further. I do feel sorry for him to be honest as he must be very unhappy and clearly hung up on his ex.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 15/07/2019 08:42

I’m not at all surprised, these types hate being ignored. I hope this has just confirmed that you made a good choice in binning him off!

French189 · 15/07/2019 08:47

It really has ! I've just never had this sort of behaviour from an ex before. It's only been a week. I'm trying to not let his words hurt me, he is really not worth it.

OP posts:
LegoPiecesEverywhere · 15/07/2019 09:12

This

Stop bothering with this guy ?
French189 · 15/07/2019 15:03

You are right ')

OP posts:
annielouise · 15/07/2019 18:46

He sounds like a bully and a control freak and he doesn't like it that you got away before he 'allowed' you to get away. He would have kept you dangling for longer, ratcheting up the nastiness. He's truly damaged. Personally if he did anything more like the facebook thing I'd tell him it's harassment now and if he continues you'll be logging it with the police. He won't like that. Probably not the best thing to do but I wouldn't be able to help myself. Ignoring probably best.

French189 · 15/07/2019 21:21

I feel like he must be damaged sadly, and really hope he will sort himself out. There is no logical explanation for him caring 1 week later if I am 'usually like that' or not, when I had not even messaged him since. Let's hope that will be the very Last of him.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 15/07/2019 21:45

Trust me, he's doing this to provoke a reaction.

And ignore all the posters who say he isn't into you. He clearly can't be into anyone - you or his ex.

He is one of those guys who wants the impossible, the unattainable (eg, why he made those comments about his ex), but when he has it, he loses interest.

He will never be happy.

And to all the guys who have ended it? It's because they're emotionally unavailable too.

There isn't anything wrong with you, OP. Move onwards and upwards Flowers

ThatCurlyGirl · 15/07/2019 21:46

OP, do not give this man any more headspace. You need to totally disengage actively and in your own mind.

A therapist of mine put it really well - after a break up there's no point obsessing over why they behaved the way they did, so instead channel that energy into investigating why you allowed them to treat you that way.

This is not a victim blaming mentality, it's a way of ensuring emotionally draining relationships help you carve out a healthier future for YOU rather than damaging your self esteem further.

Please go NC and block on everything. It's never going to work out and he sounds like a dickhead anyway, don't play the game.

And if you feel like you need to not let him 'win' then remember this - the greatest victory is not hatred or bitterness, it is utter indifference.

That's what you're aiming for - to no longer waste valuable headspace on him and to genuinely have disconnected, not just tried to make him think you have.

Sorry OP I know it's shit but time to genuinely disengage and move on.

TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 22:27

OP, everyone is damaged. Everyone. Life fucks most people up to an extent.

That's sad. And it's sad that he's been damaged.

But it doesn't need to matter to you any more.

Have a day or week of mourning this relationship and then move on.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/07/2019 22:34

All this angst for a 2 month 'relationship'

MerryDeath · 15/07/2019 22:38

girl, i am wizened and wise and something i saw recently.. along the lines of "if he's into you.... you won't be wondering" is the truest thing i've ever read and i'd have saved a lot of agg in my twenties!

French189 · 15/07/2019 22:46

Thank you for the replies. You are absolutely right; he is no longer any concern of mine.
The only reason I posted again was because he pulled that cruel stunt yesterday messaging my best friend, other than that I have not contacted him at all and have been focusing on me.

So, I am moving on, I just hope he wont try to get any more reactions.

OP posts: