I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

I bet hes not some massively ripped adonis himself, is he?

During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent
I've never met your husband but I can tell you for sure he's a cunt, and he's almost certainly a liar. It's not your weight. He's using that as an excuse and as a way to hurt you.
Stop thinking about sex, put it aside for now. Instead, get yourself some counselling to build up your self esteem. A year from now your perspective will have changed and you'll feel a whole lot better.
[And you'll have shed at least 11 stone, I'm willing to bet... ]

I'm guessing he is feeling shit about not being able to get it up sometimes and is putting the blame on you. He is being a terrible person.

I’m so sorry for all your losses what an awful time you’ve had.

Are you getting help with your grief?

Your husband was incredibly insensitive. Is he usually such a tool?

Lose 13 stone overnight - get rid of your shit of a husband.

He is extremely slim. Like 9 stone of nothing and it’s not exactly the most attractive but I’d never tell him that. I’m trying hard to get his words out my head but I can’t. I feel
Humiliated. I cringe to the point
Of shaking when I think of
The times he has had sex with
Me what he was thinking about my horrible body 😔 x

How much do you weigh? How much weight have you put on since being together?

No matter how much that is, your h is at best being very insensitive, and at worst is blaming you for his own erectile dysfunction, which is horrible.

I'm sorry for your losses. Do you think counselling would help? I'd also work on improving your own self esteem, and I think things will improve for you.

I’ve spoken to someone about my grief but not much works. He’s not usually so insensitive. He’s stuck by me through a lot and I’ve not been perfect. But my god his timing was wrong. I’ve had to take time off work. Can’t physically eat. I’ve tried. I cry all the time. Can’t even look at myself naked anymore. I never thought this could be so devastating it it is x

I’ve gained about 5 stone since we met 11 years ago 😔 I was 9 stone. I feel disgusting x

I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with someone who criticised my body. Also, if he's a skinny runt who ejaculates quickly, I bet you're not getting a lot of satisfaction, are you? But you're much too nice to tell him that, even though he has been hurtful to you.

My husband told me that I was too fat to have sex with. I spent a year losing 6 stone, then I asked him for a divorce.

He's a prize dick.

Even if he thought this there are ways to tell you. Do you tell him how unsatisfied you are with his PE ? No because you take his feelings into consideration.....

He's never had sex with you whilst 'thinking about your horrible body'. He's been thinking about his cock. Promise. That's if he thought at all.

Some deep breaths, please. You might feel disgusting but the rest of the world won't see you that way.

If you were whole and healthy, if you hadn't had one loss after another, if everything was going well, you'd hear him and realise what a prat he is, and tell him where to go. It's because it comes on top of so much pain that it is so devastating. Please see a doctor and ask to be referred for counselling urgently.

Make some healthy smoothies and sip, instead of eating, while you're in this state.

What a utter bastard to say that to you. He should be on his knees begging your forgiveness. I agree with PP. He can’t get hard sometimes and casting around for excuses why

I think you need to go to the Dr in the short term otherwise you will make yourself very ill
Long term?? Kick him out

You’ll likely get a lot of comments calling ur husband all kinds of names and perhaps even suggesting that he has a problem and is offsetting that on you.

I don’t think so.

Ur husband clearly hasn’t worded himself greatly but he seems like he feels somewhat bad about how he feels.

Weight gain, especially signifying weight gain, can be unattractive. It doesn’t mean you stop loving someone. It just means they aren’t attractive to you any more.

I don’t know how much weight you’ve gained but if it’s a lot it’s not surprising that ur husband struggles to find that attractive.

He still loves you.

I can’t remember the last time I got
Any satisfaction in bed due to his “issue” and also many other things (he’s not THAT good in bed and has never been a passionate lover or good kisser which are things I like) but I loved him and I never told him and I just put up with it. I know he regrets what he said. He’s trying to make it up to me but I’m my mind the damage has been done. How can I be naked with him again if I can’t even look at myself. But .... I cannot help it .... I love him. I wish I didn’t but I do and I’m many other ways he’s a good husband and a great dad. I feel so stuck on how to move forward x

I think he was insensitive and it sounds like you’ve had an awful lot to deal with but at the same time I know that if DH gained 5 stone I would no longer find him physically attractive. I would still love him to bits but fancy him, no I don’t think so.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself for a bit and maybe have some counselling to help you grieve for your losses. You will then be in a better place to decide if he has a point or if you would rather continue without him in your life.

Your post seems to be more about how disgusted you are with yourself and this isn’t something he can fix.

Its hard to lose weight based on how you look, the reason being deep down we all know this is a shallow reason and we are not defined by how we look. If you want to lose weight do it for health reasons and to feel better and stronger. You are a brilliant person and you have survived so much. You can survive this too and rebuild your mental and physical health. Ask your husband if he can be a part of that by supporting you in a loving non judgmental way. If not then maybe life is too short to spend with someone who makes you feel unhappy, unappreciated and isn't there for you when you need them.

I was 9 stone 11 years ago up to now 13 n half x

TBH I'd stop having sex with him for a while. It's very tempting, when your self esteem is low, to crave the attention and cuddles, but if you then beat yourself up thinking all those horrible thoughts it's counter productive.

Leave it for a few months, and work on feeling better about yourself. It's a cliche, but exercise really is a good mood-lifter. When I was at my lowest I got loads of high energy songs and would dance around my living room like a maniac. Made me feel a lot better. Haha I'd be dancing around with the toddler in my arms and tears streaming down my face, but by the end of half an hour I'd be feeling a hell of a lot better, and a bit Fuck You

I know he can’t help how he feels. If he finds my weight a turn off he can’t help
It. Why sometimes though and not all the time? I feel like I can’t move past something I don’t understand and I asked him and he said he can’t explain it any better than sometimes it bothers him and other times it doesn’t. It’s trying to understand it and getting nowhere that’s making me feel so stuck. I mean I knew I’d put on weight but I didn’t think I looked THAT bad ... and when he said it it was like a confirmation. It’s not like he’s helped. He used to bring home fast food and crisps and sweets etc .... I guess I’m just hurt and confused right now x

I’m sure lots of people will come and say how horrible he is (and he didn’t say it tactfully) but I feel the same about my DH. He has put on loads of weight and it really is a sexual turn off. I love him but he has put on 5/6 stone since we met and I simple find him physically unattractive now. Sec is actually really difficult with the size of his stomach and I just don’t want to do it any more.

I still love him, but do not find him physically attractive. I am certainly older and more creased and saggy since we first met, but my weight is about the same and I’ve been pregnant 5 times.

Does he just come easily or does he actually have premature ejaculation?

Crikey, OP, I wondered where to start with such a desperately sad and complex situation?
I think I’ll start with sending you a hug. God knows, you need one, pet.
I think two major issues have got tangled together here.
One is your unexpressed grief over the appalling series of bereavements you have suffered - any one of which would have floored the average person.
There is the added complication of your father’s death being suicide, which often leaves a terrible legacy of inappropriate guilt that you were unable to prevent it.
Then we have the second issue - your cruel knob of a husband, who has brutally kicked you when you are down.
His insults about your weight - which I agree with PPs, are probably an attempt to deflect the blame for his erectile dysfunction onto you - have destroyed your self esteem at a time when you are devastated by grief.
I think you have suffered a terrible psychological blow, and you have conflated your grief/guilt over the deaths with self loathing about your body, resulting in you dealing with both problems by “punishing” yourself by self starvation. There may also be a little bit of passive aggression against DH - “Look what your shit remarks have made me do, I’m starving myself and it’s your fault”.
OP, you desperately need to grieve more normally. With tears, rather than starvation. You need to recognise that your dad’s death was not your fault, and you could not have prevented it.
And you need counselling - not just about grief, but about your marriage to an emotionally abusive man.
Your problem is categorically NOT your weight. It’s your husband, plus the awful burden of multiple bereavement.
My prescription? A decent meal three times daily (because you’re worth it!) a damn good cry, repeated as often as necessary, and counselling.

And have another hug, because you need that too. And my prayers that things soon begin to improve for you, OP. God bless.

I do understand in a way. He can’t t help what does and doesn’t turn him on. I still can’t help feel hurt by all this. He’s always ejaculated quite quickly. Some nights he lasts longer than others. And he had no issues getting hard last month when we had sex 3 times the weekend he was off and we had no kids. I love him dearly and I want to move past this I really do ... I’m
Just not sure how to x

I don’t understand and I asked him and he said he can’t explain it any better than sometimes it bothers him and other times it doesn’t.

I can identify with this too. Some times it bothers me less than others-mainly as we’ve been together a long time and I do love him and he is the same person inside, but I guess what it boils down to is I don’t find obese people attractive (and my DH is obese) and never would have gone out with him had he looked like this when we met, so it will always bother me on some level.

I wouldn’t get too hung up about that but though. It clearly is an issue for him. It’s what you are going to do about it that matters.

Are you so hurt and upset by what he’s said, you can’t see a future together? Do you want to split up?

Do you want to lose weight-for you?

Are you pleased he’s told you his he feels? This is the bit that worries me. DH knows how I feel as he’s sort of said it and I haven’t really corrected him, but I’ve never actually said it to him myself. If I did, I would probably say it clumsily like your DH has. At least he’s been honest though.

Do you wish he’d not said it? Not felt it?

If he’d said nothing but left you and you’d found out later it was your weight but he’d been unable to say anything to you, how would that have made you feel?

What do you want to happen?