I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

Are you happy with your weight gain? I don’t think I could find my husband sexually attractive if he gained 5 stone, which is hypocritical as at one point I weighed 8.5 stone more than when I met him. I remember in one argument he told me he didn’t find me sexually attractive looks wise and it really hurt. However, it confirmed what I felt about myself. I could have thrown a massive tantrum but reflected on it and although it took me a year to be in the right place I have lost 4 stone so far this year and feel amazing for it. I have more energy, can run a 5k without stopping, look good and my husband can barely keep his hands off me. He never ever stopped telling me I was beautiful but the feeling of him lusting after me just now feels amazing!

I guess what I’m saying is you’ll get a lot of folk confirming what I suspect you want to hear (he’s a bastard, he should love you whatever) but is that really, ultimately what you want? After all, the only one with the power to change how you feel about yourself is you.

In your update you seem to have found your anger, and that's a good thing. I think you'd benefit from counselling and probably couple's counselling. With relationships people don't always behave the way we'd wish, and we can either accept this about them and move on and not let it bother us or we can find it unacceptable and split up.

There is no middle ground of finding it unacceptable and putting up with it, or living with it though it makes you unhappy. That does not work, and your mental health or physical health or both will be affected.

Sounds like he’s having problems with his dick and blaming you rather than accepting there could be a medical issue.

If you want to lose weight, you can but do it sensibly and for yourself, not him. Stopping eating altogether does you no favours (think hair loss and loose skin). Find an exercise that you like and use my fitness pal, even if you only use it for a few weeks it helps you get a good idea of your calorie limits. Plus the app is free.

It seems to be a very male trait, where they believe they deserve a super model, whilst sporting a dad bod, thinning hair, beer belly, skinny ribs....insert as necessary.

"Your weight gain makes me less attracted to you."

Reply; "You do know you aren't exactly sporting a dream body right?"

"I can't get hard enough because of your weight."

Reply; "And I'm very rarely satisfied in bed because of your poor technique."

Sometimes you have to fight for your self esteem.

Thankyou for all the comments. I’m not “expecting” anyone to say what a horror he is. I came here because I’m hurt and I was looking for help to overcome this. I’ve already said that yes I’m unhappy with my weight gain and yes I can to an extent understand he can’t help how he feels. But when you see that your wife IS trying to lose weight, she IS making an effort, she has been through a lot, I just feel like he should have kept this to himself for now to see how I done with the weight loss. I’d bought loads of healthy food, I was out walking .... I’d lost 5lbs and was TRYING. For him to see me make that effort (and doing so was hard because I was comfort eating) to stomp on me even more (that’s what it felt like) then yes I DO wish he had kept lying. At least until he either noticed a huge difference in my weight and I lost a lot and it was no longer and issue, or if I didn’t manage to keep up the weight loss journey and put on more he could have sat me down and told me nicely. I don’t think at a time like this I needed to hear “I can’t get it up cause of Your weight” ...... hearing that is crushing for anyone. Sometimes cold hard truths need to be avoided. He even said to me “I still love you and fancy you, I still want to have sex with you, it’s not that I can’t ever get hard ... just sometimes I can’t and I think it’s cause of your weight. I’m not even asking you to lose weight or change. If you want to stay this weight I’ll still love you and fancy you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, only you” ....... how confusing for me to hear all this. In my mind it’s like ... well I was the same weight on Monday night as I was on Wednesday night yet you managed perfectly well on Wednesday night to strip naked and jump into bed wanting sex. It’s really messed with my head. And I guess you’d need to see a picture of me to understand but it’s not like I’m HUGE. 13.5 might sound it but I still have that “shape” about me. I’m still a size 14 (always been bigger on top because I have a huge chest) but even when I was a size 8 I was wearing tops 2/3 times bigger because of my chest. I’m a 34 K bra size. And I still have a smaller waist than a friend of mine who weighs 10 stone. I guess there’s no “right time” to tell someone you love you can’t get it up because of their fat ..... but surely there is a definite wrong time?? Maybe a time when you know your wife is already struggling immensely with grief but she’s trying to lose weight herself so hearing you say that isn’t necessary?? Xx

And I'm more than a stone heavier than you OP.

My DH is lucky to have me. And if he wants this big old ass bouncing on him, he better appreciate it.....or he knows where the door is.

Yes I do wish he’d lied

I would never wish for my husband to lie to me about something like this. He didn’t phrase it with any sensitivity (blaming his sexual issues on you etc) but he’s told you how he feels.

Maybe I’m wrong to feel hurt then. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking that in knowing I had already lost 5lbs and was on a diet then at that point in time he could have just kept it to himself to see if I improved any on my own without hearing him say what he said. Like i said .... every part of this has been confusing for me x

He is wrong to be so insensitive, but he wasn't to bring the issue up. You're expecting him to read these vague hints and effectively read your mind? He probably didn't even notice that you'd lost this weight. By the sound of it he has a lot on his mind, which doesn't excuse his rudeness and insensitivity. Although that weight loss is a good sign and something to be proud of.

Maybe I’m wrong to feel hurt then.

No, being upset is a perfectly normal reaction to something like that. That doesn’t mean he should lie to you.

He may not have noticed the instant 5lbs by looking at me .... but I showed him with proudness how my trousers were loose. He knew I was trying so hard to lose weight and get back in shape. It’s not going to happen over night. I only started my diet two weeks ago. I feel like he should have given me a chance to lose the weight before he told me this. The guy could see how hard I was trying. If I gave up and stayed what he sees as fat and wanted to sit me down and say he wished I’d kept the diet going because of XYZ then fair enough. But when you see someone actually making the effort, don’t they deserve a chance in doing so before crushing them with a Comment like that? Xx

There is no way that he isn't getting hard due to you gaining a bit of weight. You don't even sound very large, and you do sound as if everything is in proportion.

I think he has erectile disfunction and it's easier to blame you than admit it.

I suggest that you counter with :

"I'm sorry I'm not very wet, it's just that I'm finding it difficult to get turned on by a tiny man who doesn't have any hammer on his nail. Sometimes I fantasize about having a muscly 18 stone Rugby player pinning me down. Do you think you could try to bulk up a bit?"

Cheeky sod. Your weight, my arse.

Isn’t ED a constant thing? Because it’s not like he can never get hard. And personally I never knew he couldn’t until he told me that the nights he hadn’t been trying it on with me he just knew he wouldn’t be able to get it up. But then nights he has he’s been fine and I know he’s fine when watching porn (I also know this really is a rare thing for him. For either of us. We never have time alone - not even in the bathroom in the morning or any time alone at night without one or the other or our 4 year old being there. But occasional porn to watching doesn’t bother me) ..:: but if he can get hard for porn and get hard the times he does come onto me .... I feel so confused about what this is all about 😔 x

Isn’t ED a constant thing?

Not in my experience. My DH suffers from ED sometimes. Maybe 20-30% of the time (then he will use viagra). The rest of the time, he is fine. I have no idea what affects it. But no, it's not a constant thing.

Honestly you aren't even that big at a size 14, I was thinking you need to lose the whole 5stone (I was going by my own bmi at the same weights at 5 foot 0 ) but it sounds like you must be taller and were very slim at 9st so really a couple of stone might be enough to put you in the healthy weight range for your height.
Honestly I would just go out and get a nice new top and a haircut and you will look $1M. Put the diet on hold for now, its not going to be the end of the world if you dont have the rubbish sex from what you have said. Maybe its a bonus, you could get yourself a Rabbit while you are shopping and you will never need to worry about that again! When you are feeling a bit stronger mentally you will be in more of a place to make some healthy changes to your life and lose that bit of weight if you want to.

So he told you that he found your weight gain unattractive and a turn off AFTER you told him youd lost 5lbs? That's different. That sounds odd and abusive. Like he's deliberately trying to knock your confidence.

This is not nice. If he is less attracted to you (or is sometimes less attracted to you) due to weight gain, that is fine. We can't help the way we feel. But the way he voiced that was cruel. It may have been said in the heat of the moment, and he may genuinely regret it, but you can't unhear those words.

I think people underestimate how shattering a poorly-spoken comment can be. How long it can linger. I've had annorexia. It snowballed from a regular diet or exercise regime after passing comments, or sudden compliments where none were forthcoming before.

The most important thing to do is take care of yourself. If what he said is preventing you from eating, you need to have a proper talk with him ASAP, because you need to eat. You need to snap out of the mindset where you feel disgusting, and where depriving yourself seems like the only option.

Does he know how badly it is affecting you? He says he's remorseful. Perhaps he can be supportive, too? My friend is overweight, whilst her DH is very fit. She grumbled about her weight but never addressed it, so instead of saying something harsh through frustration, he just asked if she wanted a personal trainer. He asked if she'd like to start a new diet with him. He offered solutions, and suggested that they work together, because they're a couple and they need to deal with things like that as a team, rather than by pointing fingers.

You've thru so much trauma. I'm sorry he is contributing to you feeling even worse. Like you don't have enough grief.
You love him an accept him the way he is and he doesn't see it.
I'll have a conversation with him about how grief has affected you and how we all accept our partners shortcomings.
If I were you I'll try counselling you need some healing and somebody to talk to.
My deepest sympathy for your loss.

Yes, this was said About 11 hours AFTER I had showed him the space I could put my hands down in my trousers because I’d lost 5 lbs. that was in the morning before we both went to work. That night just after dinner we got into a row regarding my son (his step son who is nearly 15) and whether or not he should be going on. The last day of school or not. We don’t see much of my son on school holidays because he spends them at his dads a lot so when he came home to stay for one night and my husband started moaning about the fact he had missed the last day of school I did lose it with him a bit. As in I said for god sake, our son has came to see us before he goes on holiday and you’re moaning about the last day of friggin school where hardly ANY of the kids in his year went and they done NOTHING that day anyway. Then I said what the hell ks wrong with you lately. Picking on the slightest thing, crabbit, always on at our son, hardly ever wanting sex and he said nothing is wrong and I said I’m
Not stupid. Have you met someone else so that’s making you unhappy at home? And he was looking right at me with gritted teeth and said “you want to know what it is, do you? It’s your weight!!! Ok! That’s what’s wrong with you. You’ve got to big” ..... and I was shocked at this and started crying and then I wanted to know what he meant and he came down stairs and I asked him to explain and that’s when he said since I got bigger he hasn’t felt as horny and sometimes when he comes up to bed and sees me lying there (this is me literally lying with my jammies on under the covers on a night none of us are even trying sex) I just know I’m not gonna get a hard on so I don’t try. But then all the other times he has tried or he’s came in and I’ve said to him something like “come on let’s get naked, it’s been nearly 3 weeks” he has no issues getting naked and no issue getting it up or keeping it up. Hence my confusion at all this. What I did notice in hindsight was a few months ago he WAS trying all the time but I myself had moved up to a 40
Hour week and I was exhausted and I really didn’t feel like it at all. Not to do with him or his body. But I would come in and want to have dinner and be sleeping some nights by 8pm. I’ve knocked him back plenty, then he stopped trying which I understand and now he says the reason is my weight. I get how some people are saying why would I rather he lied etc .... I can’t explain it. I feel like he knows me better than anybody and he knew I was having a hard time. I’d only told him days ago that some days I struggle to get through the day or concentrate at work because I can’t stop thinking about my wee gran. He knew how much I was struggling with all of it, he knew I was trying to lose weight AND succeeding so I don’t feel like his truthfulness was appropriate at all. Then to tell me he didn’t care if I lost weight or not he’d still love me and want sex with me .... talk about mine frazzle xx

He even said he told
Me cause I had mentioned maybe seeing a doctor and cause he knew there was nothing wrong with him he wasn’t going to have me force him to see a doctor or speak to any counsellor about things x

OP, big hugs. Your hurt is totally understandable. Especially in the middle of the terrible time you're having.

Basically he told you a true thing by accident in the heat of the argument and now he feels bad about hurting you. Sometimes the truth is really painful but it's out there now and you will both need to find a way to accept what has happened.

He will need to accept the consequence of that - I imagine you will be pretty uncomfortable about sex for a while and i think that's reasonable. He's going to need to give you some time.

Try not to overthink it. Keep on with your weight loss - you wanted it for yourself anyway and it sounds like you're doing great.

So he laid this onring a time of intense grief instead of doing all he could to support you and make you happier.
He is a piece of shit.
No....he is a totally worthless piece of shit.
Fuck him and what he thinks.

Yeah, I had only told him a few days ago how much I was still struggling and how hard I found it going to work and putting a smile
On my face when all I wanted to do was cry. I didn’t mean this literally but I said I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up (is never do anything to cause this on purpose) I was just explaining how sad I felt. And I’m trying to diet aswell and then he hit me with that. Yes it will take me a long time where sex is concerned. I’ve told him this. That no matter what I lose I’ll feel self conscious in bed with him now for a long time (if not forever). He understands sex is off the table for now. I can barely look at myself let alone allow him to see me. I’m honestly trying hard but it seems to have affected absolutely every aspect of my life. My self esteem non existent. I went and got my hair all chopped into a nice trendy hair cut and spent a fortune on really good make up .... I felt good for about 4 hours. Then I looked at myself from the neck below and felt disgusted (now I knew I’d put on weight but I wasn’t disgusted when I looked at myself, until now). I have tried to eat. I feel like my throat is closing and I can’t swallow and I start to panic that I’m going to choke so I have to spit it out. I’ve sat in front of soup and cried. It’s like all I can see now is fat and calories everywhere. I’m signed off work until next week because I’m struggling to leave the house. My daughter is always the very last one in the nursery because I try to avoid bumping into other parents incase they are thinking how fat I am to. Never have I ever taken so long to pick out my most slimming outfit to collect my child from nursery, just to come home and jump into my jammies. Never had leaving the house been such an anxiety ridden chore before. Now I stay in all day every day until
I have to collect my daughter and I only go to the shop on the way home if I DESPERATELY have to for food for my daughter. It’s been that long since I’ve eaten I’m so lethargic I spend a lot of time just sleeping. It’s great for the women and men who think he done the right thing telling me the truth and how they would rather it .... but everyone is different. And different things affect people in different ways. He already knew my fragile state and the last thing I needed was to hear that at this point. Especially since I was actually doing something about it. Especially since I said to him how much do I have to lose in order for you to fancy me again and he said nothing ... he didn’t care if I lost weight or not and he’d still love me and want sex .... what the actual hell .... if that’s how he felt then why even tell me what was on his mind? If he knew I was losing weight and trying hard every day why not just give me time to do so. It doesn’t happen overnight. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here because I do love him. I don’t want to break up our family. I would never tell him this but the sex with him has never been amazing. He’s past 40 but still lacks a lot of maturity when it comes to sex. He’s never “made love” ... he’s never been huge on foreplay. It’s been very unsatisfying for a long time .... I just loved him that much I never wanted to tell him x

I feel so bad for you. I have been there with some of these feelings.

I'm sure everyone else isn't judging you for being fat. You're overgeneralizing! This is about the sexual preference of one person, that's all. He can't help what he's attracted to but that's just him. Some men actively prefer curvier women. Some men only like anorexic women. He's somewhere in the middle.

I know it's hard to hear but if you try to give up food you will just give yourself an eating disorder. You need to eat! Maybe get some of those calorie controlled milkshakes or something if you can't face real food just now.

You need it for your mood (it's really really hard to fight depression on an empty stomach). And you need it so your body doesn't go into starvation mode and start hoarding calories as that makes it worse. The sleeping all the time is a bad sign.

Try and be kind to yourself. Just because you don't look exactly how you would like right now, doesn't mean you don't look great!

It sounds like he blurted it out and then instantly regretted it. To be honest it does seem like he felt he was backed up in a corner when asked whether there he had feelings for another person, so he scrambled for an answer.

You've had a really tough few years and yes it was completely insensitive of him to mention your weight, especially in context of your weight loss efforts and your issues with comfort eating. However he didnt maliciously bring up your weight or bring it up out of the blue. Perhaps some individual and couples therapy can help you both.

It is tricky when one partner's physical appearance changes, but it's unfair to assume your partner will always find you sexually attractive regardless of how your body and appearance changes. I know my husband misses the fact I used to be super toned and fit, for example, and I would also find him less sexually appealing if he gained a lot of weight. In such circumstances you have to either accept that your partner will find you less attractive, or work on losing weight/getting fitter, or leave. The alternative is just feeling resentful, and that isn't healthy for either person.

I'm really sorry to hear about your losses