I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

Ok so there you go - he sounds like a huge twat.

Your weight is nothing to do with this. He is unsupportive, unkind and uncaring. If he would rather divorce you than work through it then I would seriously consider going down the divorce route. Why should you shoulder the entire relationship burden, especially after everything you have been through these last years?!

I do think OP that he's the one with the problems. I agree with your approach - lose weight because it will make YOU feel better, and make YOU feel like yourself.

And it says it all that he won't go to counselling, but you can and you will get loads out of it.

I haven't read the whole thread, but maybe you need to assess what you do get out of this relationship, because if he hasn't supported you when you really needed it, and if you still feel lonely and alone, then why carry on?

So he’s a skinny trigger happy twat who can’t get it up. But it’s your fault because you’ve put on a bit of weight? Leave him I would.

Your post at 19.56 shows what i already suspected. That he expects all the work on the marriage to come from you.

I was just coming on here to say that i couldnt help noticing that he hasnt adjusted his timetable to enable you to excersise a bit more (if YOU want to) and i was going to ask if he would but i can see ive had my answer already!!!!!!!!!

Tarajacks

I hate that you are feeling so down - reading your pain is well, painful.

Try to compartmentalize the current state of your marriage and focus on how you feel. Give yourself some good old self-love (double entendre, yes)! Sometimes you can fake it 'til you make it (internal happiness I mean) and at the very least you should get a good laugh at yourself. To this day I stand in the mirror on days I feel down and force myself to say "whether the sky be blue or gray I choose to be happy today" (thanks Mom!). It sounds so trivial and stupid I know but it can help - I usually laugh at myself as it feels silly and that alone does wonders. However, the above is no substitute for a MH professional working with you on your goals.

It sounds like you are acting in your own best interest, good on you! I genuinely hope for you to feel good.

Tarajacks

I do want add... so sorry your husband failed when you needed him most - must have been a devastating discovery.

But again, I encourage you to focus on you - after all you can figure out how you feel about everything else when you start to feel better.

You got this.

I do thank everyone for the support. And to anyone who thought I was being very rude in my comments in any way, I’m very sorry. I really didn’t mean it. There’s been a lot of good advice and a lot of good people on here. Some of you have helped lift my spirits a bit. I’m going to struggle for a while longer and I have a lot of issues I need to finally face ... but hopefully I can get them sorted once and for all. I have no idea how things will pan out with my husband. Currently just kinda living together (not loving together) and I hope that changes. I’ve made suggestions to him about more time off work for us to spend time together. His enthusiasm isn’t the greatest but at least I’ll know I’m trying hard here to put myself and our marriage back together. If it doesn’t work but we keep plodding along pretending everything is ok, hopefully I’ll find the strength to walk away x

Look after yourself xx

OP I am so sorry to hear you have been made to feel this way.

I have this to say to you, you will be able to lose weight when YOU are ready until then fuck anyone who tells you you are 'less than' before.

You are already ready to lose weight in a healthy way, you had already started.

So your 'dh' can just go and fuck himself.

Let's talk about the things that really really matter in a relationship. So number one for me is 'Are they there for me when there is a problem?'

A 'yes' to this can get me through a lot else.

Also if we disagree 'How willing are they to meet me halfway?'

Another deal or no deal.

I want you to put your marriage back together but only on terms that you for yourself set out because you deserve these terms in all your marriage circumstances no matter what you weigh, thin, middle or fat.

Please take heed and take proper care of yourself now, you are worth so very very much more than wasting your life starving yourself over someone who is emotionally disabled.

So you’re doing all the work to fix the relationship...

He won’t go to councilling
He won’t see his GP
He won’t book time off to spend with you

You do know it takes two people to have a relationship, don’t you?

excellent post @Babdoc!

100% this 👆

I totally agree with Babdoc so in case anyone missed it:

Crikey, OP, I wondered where to start with such a desperately sad and complex situation?
I think I’ll start with sending you a hug. God knows, you need one, pet.
I think two major issues have got tangled together here.
One is your unexpressed grief over the appalling series of bereavements you have suffered - any one of which would have floored the average person.
There is the added complication of your father’s death being suicide, which often leaves a terrible legacy of inappropriate guilt that you were unable to prevent it.
Then we have the second issue - your cruel knob of a husband, who has brutally kicked you when you are down.
His insults about your weight - which I agree with PPs, are probably an attempt to deflect the blame for his erectile dysfunction onto you - have destroyed your self esteem at a time when you are devastated by grief.
I think you have suffered a terrible psychological blow, and you have conflated your grief/guilt over the deaths with self loathing about your body, resulting in you dealing with both problems by “punishing” yourself by self starvation. There may also be a little bit of passive aggression against DH - “Look what your shit remarks have made me do, I’m starving myself and it’s your fault”.
OP, you desperately need to grieve more normally. With tears, rather than starvation. You need to recognise that your dad’s death was not your fault, and you could not have prevented it.
And you need counselling - not just about grief, but about your marriage to an emotionally abusive man.
Your problem is categorically NOT your weight. It’s your husband, plus the awful burden of multiple bereavement.
My prescription? A decent meal three times daily (because you’re worth it!) a damn good cry, repeated as often as necessary, and counselling.
And have another hug, because you need that too. And my prayers that things soon begin to improve for you, OP. God bless.

I think some PP's have missed the point of this. It's not about whether he finds her being overweight a problem, the problem is that he chose to tell her that in the most disrespectful, callous and rude way (not to mention at the most insensitive time)

OP, I promise you it is him and not you. Your post yesterday rang massive alarm bells. This might sound far fetched but have you ever considered that your DP might be a psychopath? Around 1/100 of the population are psychopaths and they're not all axe crazed murderers (a big myth).

It concerns me that he acts 'robotic' and without human emotions. This by definition is what a psychopath is, someone with flat effect (feels no genuine emotion other than anger) and lack of empathy (which he has shown by being unsupportive and emotionally abusive).

Psychopaths are all very narcissistic so you may wish to read up on the many signs of that but here are a few I can tell from your post.

1. The fact that he is openly unwilling to save your marraige by going to counselling shows he knows what he is doing but he has no interest in changing it and then uses threats to make you comply (self-centredness, entitlement)

1. the hurtful putdowns are designed to erode your self esteem so that you are less likely to leave (devaluation)

1. narcissists have very fragile egos and will react harshly with even the slightest perceived criticism, real or imagined (I.e him not being able to get an erection) which he cannot face so he would rather blame you for it (projection)

4.Supeficial/grandiose. narcissists are unable to love in the true sense of the word and therefore any relationships they have lack any real emotional depth and they focus on superficial things that they can show off to the world e.g. a partner with money, good career, mainstream image of beautiful etc. (because you are an extension of them in their eyes, if they are associated to these things they think it also applies to them).

1. Irresponsibility. They will take zero responsibility in anything they do so he won't apologise unless he's really cornered. A partner who truly cares about you would be genuinely upset (not just words but actions/body language) if they knew they had hurt their partner so badly to the point where they have stopped eating.

You say there are other issues in your relationship and I wonder if there is more abuse going on than you are really saying

These men never change OP, you need to get to the G.P ASAP and sort out your mental health (which no doubt your 'D'P has contributed to significantly) and then carefully figure out how to escape this emotionally abusive marraige.

Oh yeah and the being crap and selfish in bed is another sign. Like you said, you dont tell him that he cums too quick because you are a nice person, he simply is NOT

Wow, I've just read one of your posts up thread that missed.

He told you you were too fat to fancy right after you had just told him you'd lost weight? That wasn't an accident OP, he is jealous you are losing weight and knows this will make you (in his mind) more attractive to other men so there is more chance of you realising what a pathetic specimen he is (he knows he treats you like shit). To prevent you from regaining any self esteem, he decided to throw it back in your face when he knows it is a sensitive issue for you. Can't you see how manipulative this man is?

Also, when he said 'why cant you just get over it now?' shows his complete lack of understanding of normal human reactions to grief (because he is unable to feel it and he is unable to emapthise) and again his callousness. He can't bare your mind being preoccupied with anything other than him so he wants you to just hurry up and get on with you so you can go back to focusing on him.

I'm so sorry for your losses, I cant imagine how difficult it must have been but now is the time to increase your self care more than you ever have before. Make sure you continue to eat healthy like you were before he said this to you, get enough sleep each night, exercise every day (even just a short walk around the park- being in nature is very good for mental health) and spend as much time as you can with people who genuinely love you and are kind (friends/family etc).

Also, contact womens aid and discuss the fact that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

My ex narc who had ED was cheating on me prolifically which is I suspect why. He was also selfish and shit in bed' didnt last long, didnt care about my satisfaction and also wanked off to porn.

Why did he say he doesnt want to have sex with anyone else? Did he say that out of the blue or was it a response to a question you asked about other women? It's sounds like he's telling on himself (I'm definitely not doing that thing you might ask me I'm doing so I'll say I'm not doing it to throw you off)

I don't have any great advice just found that update about your uncle and he died really sad... That must have been such a horrible thing to see. I have had similarly painful experiences myself and know that it can take years before you can process them fully. I hope you can find some support through this bereavement as it's NOT as quick as many people say. But in the end you can get to a place where you can sit with the pain. I can say that because I never thought I would get to that point and I did.

About the struggling to eat, that could also be shock/depression. Get to the GP but also please at least drink some water as you can get ill very quickly without drinking.

He fast forwarded the relationship too (pregnant, living together married within a year). Narcissists lovebomb in the beginning (tell you you're perfect/the one/they love you very early on) and will move very quickly to secure you in a relationship. He made sure you got pregnant quickly so you were trapped. I bet his nastiness increased dramatically during your pregnancy or around the birth compared to in the beginning?

You sound severely depressed OP (loss of appetite, concentration, tearful, wanting to sleep and not wake up, extremely low self esteem). When my anxiety/depression was really bad, I had the same closing up of my throat when I ate and I became scared of food and stopped eating.

You really are not in the wrong on this thread OP. I have been where you have been in terms of the abusive relationship which is why I can identify with your feelings so much. You have every right to feel upset by your 'D'Ps behaviour and the PPs that are commenting on how you should accept you're overweight are completely missing the point (it's a totally separate issue).

I promise you, when you get rid of the emotionally abusive dickhead in your life you will start to feel a million times better. I'm a different person since leaving my abusive exes (I've had many) and took time to heal from traumatic events that had happened in my life.

Your DD will thankyou one day for not staying with a man who treats you terribly. She would want you to be happy and not grow in an unhappy household which will leave her with her own issues as an adult.

Please leave this man OP, you are worth so much more and shouldn't settle for anyone that doesnt cherish you no matter what your size or health xxx

What's very telling is the context he said it in too. You said 'is there another woman?' and he replied 'it's your weight' which sounds to me like he was massively deflecting on any further probing about the subject so he shut you down with something very hurtful.

If he can get it up some of the time then it's nothing to do with attraction.

What's so upsetting OP is that he's probably cheating on you and you have internalised what he said when he doesnt even think it anyway. It was an excuse to shut you up.

He doesnt seem to care about your DS very much either. He was complaining about him missing school which meant he had to share the attention with him and he didnt like that, he wants you all to himself.

Sorry to keep posting but you sound like such a lovely person OP and I wish I could make you see what I see.

Abusers make you think all of their insults are true but really they are just part of their manipulation toolkit. None of it is true and I wish you could see that.

This man doesnt deserve you OP!! Please leave him

I'm so shocked at MN tonight. A severely depressed woman in an emotionally abusive relationship is posting for some support and people are working out her fucking BMI!!

If you cant see what's really going on here then I think you should read up on emotional abuse before being so harsh with the OP. He doesnt care about her health one bit and instead of supporting his very emotionally vulnerable partner, he's focussing on his cock and people are being understanding about it as if it's a genuine reason to be so fucking cruel.

I'm baffled

Jaffa I wish I had a 'like' button!

Op seriously, if you have to internalise anyone's advice please make it be Jaffa's She/he is the only person telling the truth who is also able to see the wider picture!

Dangly I wish MN had one too!!

OP, I forgot to say a massive well done for losing 5lbs in 2 weeks. I know how hard that it to do when you are feeling so low and it's a really sensible rare of weight loss (aim for 2lbs a week)

I'm an emotional eater and piled on 4 stone in 2 years because I was in a string of narcissistically abusive relationships. I've recently started on my weight loss journey (I'm 14st 10 down from 16st at the start of the year) so when you are up for eating healthy again and you would like a weight loss buddy, then feel free to send me a PM and we can do it together. xx