I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

Thankyou for the supportive comments from those who have actually read the thread. I WAS on a weight loss journey (still am but not the way I want to be)!.... even the morning before he said this I showed him the gap in my trousers where I could
Put my hand down because I’d lost 5lbs. I was very proud of myself and at that very moment he said something like good for you or well done (can’t remember exactly). I was 9 stone when we met 11 years ago. It slowly crept up to just over 11 when I was pg and had our baby girl 4 years ago. We moved to a bigger house in the April ... She was born in the May ... and I worked hard on losing a bit of weight for our big wedding (that I planned mostly myself) in 12 weeks. We got married in the August. That was being pregnant, moving house, having a baby and getting married in less than a year. 2 weeks after our wedding I met my bio father (not for the first time) but I met him at a funeral of a mutual friend. At the wake he asked to talk to me. He held my hand and said how sorry he was for not being a good dad to me. He asked my forgiveness. I have him it. He was dead two days later by suicide. A few months after that my papa (who was like an actual dad to me) was diagnosed with cancer and I watched him suffer and die and tried to be strong for my gran (who was like my mum). She was lost without him (together since they were 15 and not a day apart) I took her abroad with me and my kids to try cheer her up. Nothing helped. She had a stroke because she stopped taking her medication and eating etc and then I held her hand as she took her last breath. Then only 6 months later the uncle who helped me through my grans death (her son) was found dead on his bathroom floor from a rupture to his stomach. I had to go to his house the following day to help clean it up and I cleaned his bloody handprints off the carpet from where he’d crawled from
His bed to the bathroom whilst bringing up blood. I have been in a state of shock and grief over all these events. These are all massive things for someone to go through with no resting period to even grieve let alone think about what I was putting in my mouth. I was eating out of sheer comfort. I wasn’t even hungry half the time. It just felt good to put something in my mouth. And my weight then went up to 13 and a half. So over the course of 11 years I gained just over 5 stone. I tried cruise for counselling but it didn’t seem to help
Me. Maybe I’ll try again when I’m in a better frame of mind. But I realised my weight gain MYSELF before my husband said this to me. And I was starting to do something about it. I was already on a diet and out walking. I was TRYING. I didn’t need to hear “I can’t get it up cause of ur weight” .... he should have been proud of the effort I was making. Encouraging me. Offering to walk with me. Not tearing me down. And it wasn’t a health issue for him. Not once has he ever mentioned being concerned for my health because he loves me and him and the kids want me around for a long time. But I’ve already explained that I also understand if he find fat unattractive and I get he can’t help that. But did I really need to hear THAT comment when I was already trying to do something about it? When I was already feeling really low? When he knows I was comfort eating my pain away?? My “reaction” may seem OTT to some people ... but I can’t help it. We haven’t been the closest over the last couple of years because I’ve been so sad and Sex was the one thing that made
Me feel that little bit closer to him. Now I feel like it’s been ruined because I have absolutely NO self esteem anymore. I don’t even feel comfortable with him using the loo if I’m in the shower. I get dressed in a different room. Hide every part of my body I can. We had a beautiful day the other day and I say out in the sun. I had no choice but to wear a vest top and shorts. But when I knew my husband was due home
From
Work I ran in the house and I showered and put on My jammies and housecoat and came in from the sun. The thought of him seeing me in shorts made me feel sick. It’s about how much this has changed what little we had left. I was never the Main initiative of sex but It wasn’t that i never ever done it. It was just always him. He knows sex is off the table for now. Not for punishment but because I cannot possibly go through with it. If he’s not at work he’s at home and there’s no free time for him to be getting his kicks to porn. He doesn’t seem bothered about that. He just keeps saying he understands and he loves me and doesn’t want us to break up. I was so upset one night last week breaking my heart and I told
Him that I wanted to have the guts to leave him but I loved him and I just couldn’t and told him he should leave me. Then I would have no choice. Then he could go and find someone he not only liked but also found sexually attractive. He said no and that he doesn’t want anyone else and he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone but me. He still
Fancy’s
Me bla bla and he only feels like that sometimes. Which I kinda guessed considering the weekend he had off work and we had no kids only a month ago he has no issues getting it up and sleeping with me 3 times (all initiated by him) ...... but now in my head it’s like “what was HE REALLY thinking while I lay there naked thinking me and my husband were connecting sexually and it felt good to have that with him due to both our busy schedules”. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to not feel that way again in bed with him. Even if I lose weight. What if I’m left with loose skin and my over hang from my second section? How will i know whether or not he’s gonna turn round one day and day “well done on the weight loss but your baby pouch is a turn off” ..... then I would absolutely be humiliated because nothing but surgery I can’t afford would help that 😔

This is a wierd one.
He was very insensitive. He sounds like a knob!

But then again, many other posters have said they feel the same as him.

So where does that leave us?

Exactly. That’s where I’m so stuck and felt
Like
I needed guidance. I always thought (all
Be it was never great) but sex was the ONE thing that when we did have it I felt
Closer to him. It was the ONE thing that only he and I had with each other. The one bond that I had with him and he had with me. And I feel like it’s been ruined and I don’t know how to feel close to him again 😔 I really didn’t want a lecture about my weight because I KNOW I’m heavy and that I’m trying to fix that (but it’s the internet so I should have known better). I just wanted help on how to move past this. I wanted to know if anyone else had been through it and what they done. Was it a deal breaker? Did they manage to save their marriage? Right now I’m in total
Limbo with no idea what to do. I’ve neber felt so lonely in my life x

First of all OP I want to say how sorry I am to read about all the tragedy you've endured in the past few years. No wonder you've turned to something (in your case food) for comfort!
As for your DH I find it very telling that he suddenly found you attractive enough to have sex with 3 times on the weekend when he was not working, therefore nice and relaxed and rested. Working 60 hours a week is going to take it's toll and affect his libido, but he is probably so used to doing those hours that he doesn't even recognise that he's tired and stressed, so during your argument when backed into a corner instead of blaming himself his stupid male pride took over and he blamed your weight -the thing that was fresh on his mind because you had mentioned it the day before (but considering he never had up until then I'm guessing actually doesn't really bother him at all).
So, I know it's hard but please try not to focus on that one thing he said one time, and believe him when he says he loves you with or without any extra weight and get back to your healthy eating (for yourself, just as you were), and encourage your DH to take more weekends off and when he's feeling bright eyed, bushy tailed and horny tell him to go fuck himself!

I think Aprillygirl is on the money - agree with this completely^.

Lol Thankyou. Im going to try real hard. He did say “I’ve dropped hints before” to which I do remember him saying to me after I said to him how unfit I felt, that it was my lifestyle and the fact I ate rubbish and didn’t exercise. I’d actually forgotten all about that because it didn’t feel offensive to me at the time. I knew he was right and it was an added thing that helped me go on my weight loss journey. But It wasn’t a hurtful thing (for me anyway) for him to say I felt unfit because I didn’t eat right or exercise. I think it’s the way he looked at me and the tone of his voice and look in his eyes of “it’s your weight ok .... I can’t get hard” and then onto saying a few more things. Was just not necessary when I had taken head of what he said about why I felt unfit and I felt it myself. So I was doing something about it. I want to say he’s a typical male .... but I have other friends who are bigger than me who’s husbands are slim and they have never had their husbands be so insensitive. I just wanna shake him and say WHY?? WHY did you have to do that when I was already doing well? Why couldn’t you have waited a few more months and seen how I done losing weight before you made me feel like I could never have the comfort of sex with you again? Hopefully I can snap out of this not eating and stick with the programme I was on and as horrible as it was - maybe I’ll thank him one day. Because this is the most determined I’ve ever felt about losing weight. And it’s honestly not for him. It’s genuinely for my own confidence and self esteem. Yes is was already low and he put the final
Nail on the coffin but I want to wake up every day and go out feeling good about ME for ME x

His erectile dysfunction is nothing to do with your weight. Its likely to do with his age and lifestyle. Tell him to go fuck yourself. Youve been through a lot and you are the same person he married and hes just decided to fuck with your head because hes paranoid he cant get it up anymore. Womens weight does fluctuate. Its normal. Please dont let this man fuck with your sense of value and worth

His previous comments were in response to you moaning about being unfit though OP so that's fair enough really. The latest comment was definitely out of order, but I really believe that was him on the defensive for what he sees as his own inadequacy. He was wrong to say what he did but I'm sure he wouldn't have had he known how much it would affect you, and as long as he's genuinely sorry and doesn't start using your insecurity to batter you over the head with I think you should try your best to forgive and forget. Good luck x

I think he is just using this as a throwaway comment TBH. He probably feels more sexy at some times more than others .If he can hang this on you to make himself feel better , then this is what he will do.Most people will "slow down" a bit gradually with age ,but rather than admit it ,will say it is something to do with you .If it wasnt your weight it would be something else ,you dont understand me!, You are too wrapped up in the children ,you are always nagging ,whatever he can think of .You have had a lot to deal with in terms of grief in a very short space of time.Can you see a grief Counsellor?Cruse are very good ,and offer a free service to people who have been bereaved .I think you need to focus on these issues ,as this is why you may overeat for comfort purposes.If you feel happier you could perhaps try a healthier diet ,but only if you want to and feel ready .Not because of crass unfeeling comments like this!

I am sure that the problem here is that your DH has come out with a nasty comment that has a little kernel of truth for each and every one of us.

Me and my husband both tend to vary our weight a little and have had periods of being more gym buff than others. When my dh is looking ripped there is something sexy about that which gives me a little lift - a kind of easy access to sex I guess. To be honest, if he dresses in a nice shirt and gets his haircut I get the lift then too! But I fancy him and love him all the time just the same. And separately to that (but interacting), there are states i get in where feeling sexy towards my DH is easier than others, tied up with my stress levels. I am sure DH feels the same about me too. Of course it must be nice when I am toned and wearing a pretty dress and he‘s and in the mood. Of course it’s harder for him to get in the mood if he‘s strung out and I am spotty and a bit tubby and dressed in an ancient sloppy T-shirt. That‘s life. However, there‘s no way either of us would stir up that hornet‘s nest by saying anything to the other person. Clearly, me and my DH would like to be buff all the time - who wouldn‘t? Life gets in the way though. I bet you‘d get some sort of sexy rise if your husband started mainlining chicken breasts and lifting weights to get those sexy forearms of the muscular gent. But you just wouldn‘t be mean or stupid enough to say so (though tempting right now...)

What’s hard here is that you are at the end of your tether anyway. I am so very sorry about it all. I had a period of multiple bereavement like that and it was so so
awful. I really took a long time to get myself back and what I learned the hard way was that I had to be kind to myself. So I hope that you can be kind to yourself despite this extremely tactless remark.

She's obese, well on the way to being super morbidly obese.

Well, no - even if the first is true by the BMI scale, it’s a ridiculous stretch to say that the OP is well on the way to super morbidly obese. By that logic, a single pound over has someone on their way. And she has made it clear that she is already on a diet and losing - does that mean she is in her way to dangerously underweight ?

His erectile dysfunction is nothing to do with your weight

What a stupid thing to post. If he said he doesn't find her as attractive as before who are you to say he is lying and suffering from Ed. Do you know this man? He is only nine stone so yes it's wholly possible he isn't as attracted to the Op as he once was as she is so much bigger than him. Some men aren't. This doesn't mean they don't fancy them at all, or even love them, but yes it does mean that sometimes people are not as attracted to their partners if they become overweight , particularly if it's a small thin man being put together with a woman much bigger than him. Some men like that. But others simply don't.

I'm seeing this situation quite differently. I think the weight issue is a red herring. You talk about your sex life as quite bad and unsatisfying anyway, but that it is the only way you can feel close to your husband. You've been through a massive amount of trauma the past few years, and he doesn't seem to have been a huge support. He doesn't sound like a very nice person and you seem suspicious that his comments are an attempt to put you down, which seems quite likely considering his lack of care and empathy.

I think that's actually a pretty good summary Treesthemovie

I often feel like he is mad and frustrated at me when I get upset because in his eyes “it’s been a year I don’t get why you aren’t even slightly over it yet” - something he said a few months ago when my grans favourite
song came on and I got really upset. He didn’t say it in a nasty way - it felt like it was more like he felt like HE couldn’t deal with it and hated seeing my upset again because he didn’t know what to say. I find myself hiding a lot of my feelings because I don’t want to be a bother to him.

Bluntness100 - I don’t know why you’re getting argumentative with me. He’s actually 10 stone 2 (it was me who was 9 stone when we met) ..... I’m not disagreeing/or agreeing with you: everything you say is very possible. It could absolutely be my fault. My point was that I know I’ve gained. I knew myself so I was doing something about it. I already felt so awful about myself as it was and my husband could see that weeks before the comments were made ... he could see how much I was struggling with life, not just my weight, and he could see that I was actually doing something about it. Cooking from scratch, no snacking, out walking every night. It might only have been 5lbs but I was proud of that and it made me want to keep going and I showed him that I was losing weight. So
I don’t think it was necessary for him to tell
Me that. It would be different if I lost the 5lbs, stopped,
For lazy and gained another stone. Then maybe he could have sat me down and found a way of saying it. My hurt is not coming from a place where I don’t understand that people have a preference. That some things can be a turn on/off for others. I do understand. I’ve never been told by a doctor that I’m morbidly obese but I take head of what you’re saying and I’ll maybe make an appointment to see one about how obese I am.

OP

I hope my blunt reply doesn't sting too much, my intent is not to hurt but shake you into reality so that you can start feeling better. My friends lean on me in these situations as I am a no bullshit kind of friend and refuse to prop up false narratives or lie for the sake of feelings.

You appear incredibly defensive and continuously re-explain your situation. You appear to want someone to blame for your losses and your weight. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and giving yourself permission to spiral into self-pity as this is your biggest problem IMO. I'm not trying to be cruel, just honest and to-the-point. I'm not posting to give you false praise or to defend or discredit your partner. We want our partners to be honest right? Or do you prefer a world of "white lies" and false pretenses?

DH and I have a standing agreement to sit each other down to discuss weight (for either of us) if it becomes an issue - the conversations are loving and careful but are HAD... because we owe it to each other - we want to stay happy, healthy, and in love.

But let's be totally honest your issues aren't about your partner. Yes you and he obviously have some issues but to work on those you have to be clear-headed and confident in your worth. You have to set the tone as it appears he is a little tone-deaf but that is a subject for another thread IMO.

Right now for you it is really all about how you feel so let's focus on you.

Facts:

1. Your losses of love are incredibly painful, you need to deal with your feelings and grieve properly. You deserve to enjoy fond memories of your loved ones and not be plagued by overwhelming grief.

1. Sex as a connector - can be important but is dangerous if it is the only method of connection/comfort with your partner. Healthy relationships can have dry spells sexually so connecting on other levels is paramount.

1. Extra weight does not invalidate you, just makes you unhealthy and unhappy. You deserve to be comfy in your skin and to feel sexy for yourself. You are obese and that's okay, work towards being healthy not being thin.

1. Diets DON'T work, changing your diet is a lifestyle change not a temporary fix. Exercise paired with a consistent healthy diet is key to long-term weight management. A treat now and again is fine (I reserve them for menses time) - I just made homemade chocolate custard separated into daily 1/2cup servings to help subdue Aunt Flo.

1. A loss of 5lbs in the context of 189lbs is not noticable or notable. I'm 55lbs lighter than you and 2" taller but don't see a difference with 5lbs up or 5lbs down. 1/2lb a day is healthy weight loss so 5lbs in 10 days is right on target. Keep working it and you'll get to where you want to be - be patient with your progress to avoid feeling discouraged.

1. Walking is decent exercise but you need to get your heart rate up and sweat so walk swiftly. Try adding in some planks (core strengthening) which will help you with back discomfort and post workout pain. Weight training is better for weight loss than cardio but if you try carrying 2 - 5lb hand weights while walking briskly and pumping your arms you will get some effect from the weights. Once you can handle briskly walking for a considerable distance (2 miles+) while using your hand weights add in some ankle weights and continue as before... at this point you will not only see some results but you will feel stronger and have more endurance.

Last but not least - starving yourself (intentional or not) is unhealthy. Your body will begin to hold on to fat reserves as it will be in starvation mode. You are unlikely to have much or lasting weight loss while starving yourself. The weight loss you do have will likely be muscle loss as the body uses protein reserves after it exhausts gastro contents - it will burn some fat but your body needs protein to function so muscle degradation is a serious concern.

Please love yourself and try to pull yourself out of this spiral. Get to your GP for help eating as you say you are and focus on feeling good about you. Get some MH support - go private if you have to as your life is more important than a few £.

Try this podcast... Nora is funny and open - start at the first episode so you can hear Nora's story of loss. The stories are tear jerkers but allow room for laughter. Her podcasts have helped me through a few losses.

Terrible, thanks for asking
www.ttfa.org/

YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE [hugs]

I appreciate your honestly I i take everything on board. It’s been a long thread so re explaining the situation is what I felt I had to do. I really don’t blame nor do I want to blame ANYONE for my losses. Is nobody’s fault. I also don’t blame ANYONE but myself for my weight gain. I’ve never said otherwise and if it came across that way then I apologise. I seen the doctor this afternoon and we have made some progress on how I am going to move forward with this. And i will take a look at the link you sent me. Thankyou x

It could absolutely be my fault

Op. It's not about blame. It simply is what it is you've Gained weight and he doesn't find you as physically attractive at this size. 🤷‍♀️

Your body will begin to hold on to fat reserves as it will be in starvation mode. You are unlikely to have much or lasting weight loss while starving yourself

As much as I agree your other points. This is bullshit. There is no such thing as starvation mode. History, anorexics, many things show us if you starve yourself you drastically lose weight and eventually die. You do not remain fat.

You appear incredibly defensive and continuously re-explain your situation. You appear to want someone to blame for your losses and your weight

I wanted to post similar but was afraid of being “yelled at“! I really also feel that a lot of OP’s comments come across as complete denial and actually very rude and aggressive with people who are not just agreeing with her. It can be very hard to admit to ourselves just how fat we really are, and to accept full responsibility for our weight.

I am still torn though. I was also thinking I gained something ridiculous when pregnant like 3-4 stone (stopped weighing myself at the end, could’ve been more). And in the 6 months post partum when I was still very large for my usual size - 70-80kg rather than 55! - DH always made me feel sexy and loved and wanted and supported. So I am still not sure that your DH isn’t a huge bellend here.

This is a long thread - I was getting responses in regards to a pp as opposed to my original. That’s the only reason I was explaining things more than once. I am in no denial at all about my weight. Perhaps I was for a long time while I was stuffing my face and not thinking about the consequences. But I realised a few months ago how bad it was. It took me a bit of time to get into the swing of it (I found it a hard habit to break) but i started trying hard. I knew I was fat. I am sorry if my posts have came off as very rude and aggressive. That was absolutely not my intention x

Do you think you would be able to sit down calmly with your DH and explain how you are feeling and also that you are confused that one moment he can be aroused and the next he can’t? Because it is difficult to tell at the moment if:

1. he’s just a total wanker who has issues and is blaming you Or
2. he Loves you but isn’t attracted to you at the moment, but is a nice man who blurted it out at the wrong time

You need to know which it is!

Oh, OP, I think there are 2 issues here - your weight is only one if you feel that it is. If you want to lose weight then do. It seems to me that he's blaming your weight for an issue that he has - ED. If sex has always been a bit of an issue no matter what your weight, then I suspect your weight is a red herring.

I bet you lose the weight and he still has issues getting hard/lasting.

I'm sorry for the hard time you've had over the last few years. he should be supporting you through this.

I don't think you sound rude and aggressive OP and some of the replies have been a bit patronising so I wouldn't have blamed you.

He would never admit to there being a problem with him even if there was. He said one of the reasons he told me was before I forced him to go to a doctor. I’ve asked him to come to marriage counselling with me (for more than just this reason, a multitude of things) and he said he’d rather we just divorced than he had to sit and talk to anyone about his feelings. So I said I’d go to counselling on my own (which my doctor referred me for today). I’ve asked him
To work with me on a way forward from this and all I get back is “I don’t know what to do or say”, so I know that the only way I can move forward is to get help for myself. To get healthy and lose the weight and try to be my once happy self again. I wasn’t always like this. I used to love life. My husband has always been an emotional robot (he has actually been given the nickname robot - not by me - due to his lack of emotion and feeling about ANYTHING). But I was always so happy and confident within myself that it never really bothered me. I guess it started bothering me when I went through a lot of stuff and I really needed him and I felt like he wasn’t supportive. That’s when I started to feel that side of him was something I struggled with. I’d never really “needed”
Him before. I was pretty good at coping on my own. I’d never experienced any grief or loss until my fathers suicide. I felt like I needed to him. I needed to talk to him about things and he always brushed me off. Stared at the telly or his phone so it felt really lonely x