I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

The whole "sometimes" thing is bullshit. He either finds you attractive and can get an erection, or he doesn't and can't...not sometimes yes and sometimes no.

I would say his tiredness (other factors too, does he drink, smoke?) prevent his erection, and instead of him looking at where the blame lies (him) he is projecting it onto you.

Sex aside and your husband aside, I would look to get counselling asap for all your losses op.
Do you feel like you've been comfort eating?
I think your dh was wrong to say what he said to you. Does he realise how much this has affected you?

Improve your own sense of well-being is a start. Try to forget about losing weight to be attractive, and concentrate on feeling physically healthy and fit. If you thought you were the sexiest thing on two legs he'd think so too, I think your estimation of yourself might be influencing him.

I put 3 stones on years ago and I'm quite short so it really did show. I spent every day trying to ignore it, hide it, feel good about being bigger etc. I can honestly say my husband treated me no differently we still had the same amount of sex and he still told me I was beautiful. However one day I just decided to stop making excuses and I knew that the only way I'd feel comfortable is by losing weight, so I did it. Ive had 3 dc since so now have other body issues but I've kept my weight down, it crept up slightly recently so I've jumped on it and I'm starting to feel better again. You are in control op, don't feel bad for what he's said, if your weight is an issue then tackle it for you.

I think he finds it a little unattractive. But he is still attracted to you. It was just in the heat of the argument he exaggerated how he feels, a lot. That was cruel of him, but he may have not expected it to affect you so badly. Its very good that you're now both talking about it.

However he's still being cruel and insensitive. Saying your weight is a little bit unattractive would be fair. Saying it turns him off sex completely from time to time? That's just cruel, and incorrect. That's not your appearance causing him to sometimes lose his libido. That's stress and overwork and probably his own poor fitness.

He is highly insensitive man and has no self awareness.
Does he make you have an organism or is it all one way.
You are entitled to feel deeply hurt by what he said. He could be boosting you up but he has knocked your confidence further.
He does no appear to be interested in satisfying you - it seems one sided.
You’ve had a terrible time. If you are in the UK have you looked up Cruise to help you with your grief/trauma.
🌺🌺

This is actually his issue not yours. I'm so sorry for all your losses.

The hard thing to do is not take it personally. You've had a lot going on and you've said he was supportive during that. DH and I have had a lot going on at times (bereavements and historical sexual abuse with family members) and when I'm feeling angry and frustrated at lack of support for me coupled with unnecessary drama with his family causing me to have to support him, I find him unattractive. I'd never tell him though. He's not unattractive at all, he is overweight but it doesn't bother me at all when I'm ok and he's ok. When we are emotionally at a low and he's annoying me I do look at him physically and think he's fat and if he eats icecream or something I think 'ffs'. I sound like a complete bitch but honestly I'm not, and I always tell him he looks lovely (he is very handsome, to me anyway) and I'd never tell him his stomach is unattractive. And it isn't unattractive to me unless my emotions are not in a good place. I don't know if any of that makes sense - just trying to say it's not you, it's him. But it was cruel and unnecessary to tell you and shows lack of self awareness on his part. His ED is nothing to do with your weight and I'd imagine it's everything to do with stress.

It's very hard to keep going through what you've been through and I think you both need support.

His lashing out at you when you're down is shocking and I'm sure the last thing you expected. Who knows what's going on inside his head. Is he angry that you haven't had as much to give because you've gone through so much? Is he unable to cope with being supportive through such a terrible time for such a long time? Does he also feel bereaved as he knew your family a long time but he feels he can't show it as his loss is nowhere near as great as yours?

Have you had any counselling yourself?

Coping with death is probably the hardest thing we face in life. I'm not saying your DH isn't completely out of order and an arsehole, he is, I suppose I'm hoping to help you see that it's not something to take personally. I don't think it's about your weight at all. In fact, you don't think it's about your weight either, as he was able to have sex on the occasion you mentioned. So it seems much more likely he was lashing out and hurting you.

If he has form for lashing out and hurting you and blaming you for things that are his responsibility, that's a big problem, a complete arsehole and bordering on abusive.

If he doesn't, I would say you've both been through a hideously stressful time and the cracks are starting to show. You both need help and support. The grief doesn't go away, even now this morning I could cry out of loneliness for my DF and he's dead for over 10 years and I've lost 2 more immediate family members since then. It's shit. When the person I was closest to died I just wanted to die myself and if it wasn't for my DS I don't know how I would have kept going. All my joy went out of my life. I've no idea what that was like for my DH, but I do remember him looking at me and trying to talk to me about it and I just couldn't respond or care. It all seems like a blur now.

I'm really not sure if any of this has been helpful. I'm sure it feels like he has kicked you when you're down, and that's a shocking shocking thing from the person who is supposed to be your greatest ally. He needs to grow the fuck up to be honest. But don't take it personally. It would be better to be angry with him about the unfairness and injustice of what he has said. Easier said than done!

I think women are socialised not to say things we think are hurtful to another person. I do wonder how he'd take it if you said he was skinny or scrawny or weedy or something similar...

If your DH is very thin (we don't know how tall he is) then he may have a distorted view of what a healthy body size looks like. He certainly isn't in a good position to comment and I agree with PP that he's finding excuses for not wanting sex - which in itself is not unusual. Perhaps at such a low weight he lacks the necessary stamina.

Would it help to join something like Slimming World where you can get some guidance on what/how much to eat with a supportive group around you?

I had a fella when I was at my biggest (at the time I said an 18 but more 24/26)
He used to stand behind me in shops singing ‘big girl you are beautiful’-only his lines where’stood in maccie d’s counting out your 50p’s/big girl you are fat as fuck’
I got some pride,dumped the fucker and lost 6 stone
I’m now a 14/16 and my bloke loves every curve I want to lose a stone-but that’s for me not him
Please work on your self esteem and take it from there-you are perfect no matter what your dress size says-nothing will change even if you do lose weight-that’s the excuse he’s hiding behind

OP, take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Stop worrying about him and what he wants and doesn’t want. You’ve suffered a huge amount of pain and trauma and you need to focus on you. You’re weight gain is a symptom of what you’re going through. So do what is best for you to grieve for your loved ones. Treat yourself kindly. Put yourself first. Maybe you’ll lose weight as you work through how you feel. Maybe you won’t. Either is ok if it’s ok for you. If your DH isn’t happy with the person you are, I guarantee there will be others who are.

but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem??

I’d put money on this.

Sure, you both know you’ve put on some weight, but my DP and I have both put on several stone since we met, we’re both getting older, his hair is greying and may well fall out one day, (mine is dyed!) and we’ll both be getting older and wrinklier and changing with health and age as everyone does.

We still fancy each other and still regularly have sex - the only thing that changes it is a mental block, when one or other of us feels under appreciated or taken for granted.

If he ever made me feel self conscious about my weight or my looks it would mean I couldn’t possibly relax and enjoy myself in bed again. And the same for him I think. It’s only the 100% acceptance of each other exactly as we are that enables us both to be uninhibited.

I’ll never understand how someone can love you and find you attractive, be with you for many years and then suddenly not fancy you because you’ve got a few wobbly bits. It just seems so shallow. Sure we all have preference when we’re out looking for someone, but once you’re already in love all of that melts away and you just love and fancy that person regardless.

And sorry I was so outraged about the weigh issue that I neglected to say, sorry for your losses - you’ve been though a really tough few years and your DP should be supportive of you and extra loving. Losing anyone is hard, but several all in a short space of time is very destabilising. Take care of yourself and don’t let him erode your self esteem. Your weight is the least important thing to worry about now, you need to concentrate on your mental
Health.

The thing is you are upset with your husband when you actually agree with one another. If you were blonde and dyed brunette and both agreed you like the blonde better, would you be as annoyed? You used to be slimmer and you both agree it was better that way.
He is simply agreeing with you. You are not happy with your weight and neither is he.

I’ve been pretty large myself OP and that was as a result of being sexually assaulted so I understand how easy it is to let yourself go when you’re struggling and unhappy.

He should not have said that to you in an argument- but, I imagine it’s something he didn’t feel he could say to you.
Is there any way a man can tell a woman he’s not attracted to her size without being brandished a giant douche bag? Not really.
It one thing if he met you at that size and then started having a go at you about it (totally not ok) or if it’s a short term thing (for example the year after having a baby) it also depends how large you are. If you’re a size 14 then sod him, but if you’re an 18 plus and you know it’s unhealthy then you need to think about your DD too and being around as long as you can for her.

If all three of those things are in his favour,
You were much smaller when you met, it’s a long term problem with no foreseeable improvement and you are in fact unhealthily large - then it’s not wrong of him to think it’s a problem.

My mother has been with my father since they were 15 and REGUARLY puts him on diets (he’s a big guy) and tells him ‘he’s gotten too fat’ and everyone just laughs along like ‘ahhh the Mrs has stuck you on another diet has she? Well she just wants to keep you around longer’ - it’s VERY different for women and men.

I had a boyfriend who said this to me and to be honest it was impossible to repair or ever feel the same again .

I developed eating issues ( I was 68kg and a size 10-12 and he said I was too fat . I'm a small frame and I was a bit fluffy around the edges but in hindsight I was in fantastic shape)

I couldn't eat
Couldn't sleep
Felt sick constantly

Eventually we broke up and it took me months and months to feel and be better.

Now I have a partner who tells me he loves me and fancies me even though I'm 85kg ! I have a healthy relationship with food and I'm only currently dieting for my own sake and health reasons .

Unfortunately from what you've said I'm not sure how this is fixable because I found that when this happened to me it broke me internally and I was always second guessing .

I’d tell him you find his weight a turn off and see how he feels. I bet he won’t like it when the boots on the other foot!

@Spiceupyourlife you're right, a man does have the right to tell his SO if he feels she's put on too much weight, but at the same time there is no easy way to say it. However OPs husband is just being way too insensitive, and unfair since he's incorrectly blaming his libido issues on her appearance.

I don’t think it matters that I was feeling it to. I was feeling it that much that I’d started eating healthy on my own and that morning before he said it that night, I actually showed him the weight I’d lost when I could actually get my hands down my work trousers and there was space. I told him I’d lost 5lbs (which was true) .... so he knew I was trying. In my mind it’s like “you knew I was trying so why not give me some time, see how it went and if I didn’t lose any or got bigger then maybe sit me down and discuss it with me nicely. Not tell me you can’t get a hard on because of my fat”. If he were overweight But I knew he were trying I’d never have eve heart to say that to
Him. I’d feel proud of him and want to help him. 5lbs after 10 days of clean eating and within hours of telling him and showing him my losened trousers he’s saying that to me? We have talked ALOT about this since because my mental health was already poor and all this has made it worse and I’ve explained to him that it felt like he was kicking me when I was already down. He even told me he knew I was ashamed of my weight as one recently been turning the lights out and hiding part of my body from him. So if he knew this but also knew I was trying to do something about it, I don’t know what he thought “being honest”
With me would do at this point. It’s absolutely devastated me. My husband has very little emotion. He copes with loss very well. I cried my heart out when HIS gran died ... he has the attitude of “that's a shame, but she was old and loved a happy lI’ve. You’re born, you live, you die - that’s life” .... and those were his words and he’s always been that way. But we aren’t all the same. I think he has his warped view that we should all think the same way. But my grandparents were like a mum and dad to me. I gave my bio father my forgiveness and then he hangs himself. Then my uncle who was a massive support for me after losing gran (his mother) died a shockingly unexpected painful death at a young age. I had to go into his house the next day and seen the black bloody hand prints from where he crawled from his bed to the toilet because he was bringing up black blood and in the bathroom he just died. I’ve spoken to cruise and I’m really trying to process my grief. I was emotionally eating. I was 9 when we met, then up to 11 after our daughter was born. I stayed at 11 stone until the last year or so where I’m now at 13.5 stone and 5 foot 3. He is definitely not suffering from any grief. He can’t even understand how I’m not over it all yet. He grew up in a family who showed no emotion. They never ever talked about their feelings. I see it in his dad towards his mum. He’s very closed off from her emotionally. That’s the way my husband is with me. I do want to lose weight. And I did even before this and I lost 5lbs and have no intention of stopping. But now he’s said this to me it’s like a pressure to be perfect. Yes I do wish he’d lied. I wish he could see the pain I was in emotionally already, I wish he had taken notice of the fact that I WAS trying to lose weight and I wish he’d kept his mouth shut and given me a chance 😔 x

Does he watch a lot of porn which would give him unrealistic expectations of what women should look like to turn him on?

Do you orgasm when you have sex?

He doesn't sound like a very warm and loving person op.

Please stop worrying about what he thinks and feels, you need to concentrate on you for a bit. Not your weight, you. I agree with pp that he has issues of his own and is blaming the weight because it's easy to do so, which is very unkind of him. Tbh it sounds like the sex wasn't great anyway, and he seems to have no emotional intelligence at all. You really need grief counseling, if you have had some you need more, sex and weight would be the last thing on my mind in your shoes.

Seems like he can’t really win in this situation. He told you the truth and your upset and say you wish he’d lied? Then he would be branded a liar. He’s only said what you already knew

Very sorry to hear about your losses x

Though my honest opinion is that I think it is naive to think that someone should be obliged to still be attracted to their partner after a significant weight gain

If my husband put in five stone, I might love him still as a person but I think physically I might be less attracted to him. To lie and pretend I would be is why a lot of people end up being unfaithful as they don't want to be honest with each other IMO.

I don't understand why as a nation we are so accepting of weight gain, when the reality is it's harmful to our health.

I really hope my post doesn't come across as harsh because it's not intended to be, but I genuinely think putting a plan in place to lose weight would be a positive thing, and we should stop seeing it as negative.

Though I do think your husband could have been more tactful about it for sure.

💕you’ve been through so much, then this! He’s a prick. Tell him just how much he’s hurt you and that you can’t be naked with him again now. I couldn’t if I were you either. Tell him he’s not perfect either, transfer some of that doubt to him. Then do as wasfatnowthin says and ditch him. Lose weight if you feel you can/want to, but not for him. Good luck lovely!💙

Firstly, I am so sorry for everything that you have been through, you need time to heal and talk through things with everything that has happened to you. I hope you can find some support outside of your husband....

As for him, what an utter shitbag. I am part of the LTB brigade here, what an awful thing to say to someone you are supposed to love and cherish.....

I second what other people have already said. Find someone to speak to about this, counselling would be An amazing start, then when you feel ready cut this toxic man out of your life. I hate hearing of men speaking to women this way, so cruel and unfair.

(P.s. My ex partner told me he would stop smoking if I lost some weight because I'd put on 4stone after having my son (he was no oil painting himself) When we finally broke up, my self esteem was through the floor, I was 14 stone, hit the gym really hard and I lost 4stone and now I look better than I ever have done and everytime he sees me when do the swapover I can tell he's thinkng "fuck, I really messed up here".... A breakup is the best weightloss cure on the planet!!)