I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

He is the one with the problems. He uses your weight gain as an excuse for his own intermittent sexual problems.

Well your husband isn't your friend. He's not there for you in a crisis.

What do you want or need someone like that in your life for? You love him dearly?

He sounds unlikeable

Get rid of him. Have a glass of wine and a nice piece of cake. Then focus on gradually losing weight, if you want to.

Your man is watching you suffer, and ensuring he makes it worse. When someone shows they do not like you much less love you, it's time to remove them from your presence.

If you're staying with him then at least, you know what he's like so perhaps some counselling would help you accept him for who he is, and improve your own life.

I can’t thankyou enough for these mails. I found the discussions about my BMI and obesity a bit hurtful because it’s something I already know. I know I’m fat and as a pp said .... I am NOT in denial about this. Never have been where my weight is concerned. Believe me I can see myself. It was about the way he said it, when he said it, saying it at a time when he knew I was already doing something about it, when he already knew I was still struggling real bad to process the last 4 years (well it’ll be 4 years in September since mr fathers suicide). I think my husband seen it as why she so upset she wasn’t even close to him. And I wasn’t. He was a rubbish dad. He was an addict. He was In and out and eventually I had given him enough chances I told him I’d had enough. It was the fact I met him at a mutual friends funeral and at the wake he asked to speak to me, held my hand and said sorry for not being there for me and could I forgive him. I told him
I had a good life and I forgave him and he had to forgive himself. He nearly cried. I wish I’d stayed a bit longer and told him I’d meet up with him maybe once a week and let him spend time with me and his grandchildren if he wasn’t high. Maybe that would have given him hope. But I never. And then he was found hanging from him bedroom door days later. I even told him I was going to the loo that day and snuck home to get the kids and I heard he was hunting for me. I felt so guilty. He definitely wasn’t trying to trap me though. We were together 6 years with our wedding already booked and paid for the following August when I fell pg with our DD when on the implant. And the house move had to happen as we were in a 2 bed. We had to upgrade to bigger. All of that was just how it had to be. He doesn’t seem “upart” about what’s happened, but he has said sorry and how Much he regrets it and that I corner him for answers all the time and nothing he says is acceptable so I PUSH him into saying whatever he feels will put an end to it. He’s always been “robotic” .... but he used to show A little emotion. This last year or so though has been the worst. I feel like it’s my fault. I’ve cried so much and been so sad for so long I think I’ve worn him out. He is soooo good at deflecting though. He always always manages to turn things round on me. And he really struggles with apologising. So if he has hurt me and I’m upset and I say to him “you’ve not even apologised” he will say things like “ok tell me what to say and I’ll say it”. In other words .... I’m not sorry - but to shut you up tell me what to say and I’ll do it. It never feels genuine. I’m not an angel. I’ve not been easy to live with. I don’t even know 100% if I do love him as opposed to feeling dependant on him. I have nobody. I don’t speak to my mum and step dad. That relationship died a long time ago. My brother still speaks to them
So that’s had a knock on effect on me and him. My gran and papa were all I had. Especially my gran. She was like my
Mum. My best friend. We seen each other all the time. I adored her and she me. My papa was the same ... but not AS easy to talk to. But if I really needed him he was there in a heart beat. My husband not left. He says he still loves me. And there have been times (not many) I’ve been able to talk to him. I’m so scared of being on my own. My son is nearly 15 and spends his time between me and his dad. My husband and I would do joint custody with our daughter. I’ll be alone in a house with nothing. He has a really good job that keeps our heads above water. I wouldn’t be able to provide for my kids properly alone. At least with him when we do things with them it’s like “mummy and daddy took me to the zoo” .... without him I’ll have nothing to be able to treat my babies. I worry my DD will want to be with him ft. He said he’s not upset crying and stuff but he does regret what he said. I’ve honestly never felt so confused in my lIfe. Part of me knows what I should maybe do, but I’m still so scared of actually doing it x and thanks Jaffacakes. You’ve been a great help xxx

I know its alot to process OP and you dont have to do it all straight away. If you really dont want to face leaving right now, then at the very least try to read up on narcissistic abuse so you can learn not to internalise what he says and not be dependent on him for validation. You have to learn how to give this to yourself.

Sorry, I thought meeting and moving in together etc all happened in one year. I still stand by everything else I posted previously. Narcissists are excellent at deflecting and will never accept responsibility and always turn any argument around back into you. Their fragile egos cannot handle accepting they may be flawed in any way so they will always deflect onto someone else.

You sound extremely codependent OP and this may be due to abandonment issues from your father. It's very telling that you dont love him but feel as if you need him. Your partner is being so cruel about your grieving process. Its unique for everyone and it takes as long as it takes. I think because of the circumstances of your relationship with your DF and how he died, you will be experiencing very complex grief because there are several issues at play which will take even longer to heal from than if you had a more straightforward relationship with your DF..

It is scary the thought of being 'alone' but there is a difference between feeling alone in an emotionally abusive marraige and living alone with your DC. You can rebuild your life and make other support networks with people who actually treat you nicely.

When you are feeling stronger maybe in 6 months time, please reconsider what I have written up thread because I fear you may not be able to accept any of it right now due to being overwhelmed with different feelings.

I guarantee though when you feel better, you will very angry that he has treated you so badly in your time of need and I dont know how you will be able to move past it, especially when his apologies are forced and superficial and he refuses to work on the marraige.

Did your G.P offer you antidepressants? If so, please consider taking them just to get you through this extremely difficult time for you. I found they helped immensely to get through some very difficult periods in my life and now I manage my depression/anxiety through exercise.

Depression and anxiety are also one of the symptoms or narcissistic abuse so I dont think this is all down to the losses you have had. Narcs always ramp up the abuse when you are particularly vulnerable too.

Oh and the fact that you feel everything is your fault in this relationship is because he has made you feel like that. Everyone who is being narcissistically abused feels like this. This type of abuse is so very subtle that it can be hard to explain why you feel so upset because it is so covert and underhand.

It is a one sided relationship (as are all relationships with narcs). He expects you to completely fulfill his sexual and emotional needs but wont return the favour.

Just because he has flashes of emotion and can be nice sometimes doesnt mean anything. All narcs and psychopaths are able to fake genuine emotion by mirroring other people (look at Ted Bundy and his long term partner).

You should judge him by how he behaves at his worst, not at his best as this is the most telling. Does he ever gaslight you too? For example he will call you a lazy cow and you get upset and then he says it didnt happen or he didnt say it like that?

Do you do most of the legwork with parenting (changing nappies, sleepless nights etc?) Does he have little patience or seem emotionally cold with your DC? (he is already doing this with your DS)

If your dad was an alcoholic then it's very likely your mum was a codependent which is where you may have learned this behaviour from. Daughters of alcoholic or narcissistic fathers often have very low self esteem, never feel good enough, feel lots of shame (that has been projected onto them) and have very negative internal voices (you internalise the voice of your parents growing up). This leaves you in a constant state of anxiety while you try to people please and fix everything in the hope that if you're a 'good girl's, you will be given the validation you need. It makes it very difficult to spot abuse as you almost become immune to recognising when you are being abused.

I'm afraid your daughter will suffer the same fate if you stay with this man. No amount of trips to the zoo as a family can undo this damage and she will very likely seek out a similar partner as an adult. Is this what you want for her? The cycle of abuse will continue unless you end it xx

P.s calling you fat is pretty much every abusive mans 'go to' insult. If you do the freedom programme in person, nearly all the women there will have had it said to them at some point (closely followed by being called a slag).

Your instinct is to defend him because the truth is so painful but it just means that for as long as you 'stay beneath the veil' the longer you will tolerate his abuse.

Read up on covert narcissism or cerebral narcissism and then closely observe how he uses the narc textbook against you

Depending on how it's said, telling someone who is fat they are fat, is not an insult it's a statement of fact. It's mind boggling to think that it's one thing to be fat, but no one can ever mention it and they must lie otherwise they are insulting you. He simply said she'd got too big and he didn't find her as physically attractive. His delivery might have been off, but that's it.

Exactly @Bluntness100. Look at the context of when and how he said it. I (and other PPs) have explained upthread why what he said was abusive and theres lots of other things going on that the OP has mentioned and everyone is choosing to ignore and focussing on the weight issue.

Its mind boggling that anyone can think this is a loving husband who is simply expressing his feelings about weight gain.

RTFT

Bluntness - we have established it’s how it was said and the context. I’m unsure why you keep coming at me with these comments.

Eh. I was responding to one poster in particular. And I have read the thread. And I ceraintly haven't said he is a loving husband.

Weirdly you've both agreed with me, it's about how it's said, not what's said.

He simply said she'd got too big and he didn't find her as physically attractive.

That's not exactly what he said though. He said he couldn't get his dick up because OP was overweight as a response to OP asking if there was another woman. Meanwhile, he does occasionally get his dick up (and doesnt care if OP enjoys it) so it's clearly not the issue here.

The context here is everything

OP you both need to see your GP: you to discuss counselling/ grief issues/depression/anxiety and he to discuss his periodic erectile dysfunction which could be due to a number of reasons some of which could be serious if not treated.
His attitude however is harder to fix and you need to be happy and not take the blame for his problems.

i’m so sorry for all your losses what an awful time you’ve had.

If it were me, I would

1. Get fit and lose the weight (If that's what you want)

2. Start getting your ducks in order and boost your bank balance

3. Leave the husband who is shit in bed and not very nice

4. Meet someone who loves you for you and treats you like a princess

Actually that's what I did do, working on the weight thing though

"erectile dysfunction which could be due to a number of reasons some of which could be serious if not treated"

If this did turn out to be a symptom of a physical illness OP or he got ill at some other point in his life how would you feel about being his carer given the way he has treated you.

If your husband doesn't think your sexy and attractive tell him to fcuk off simple as. You are who you are and don't change. I tried to change for different reasons for my wife not losing weight but being shy and quiet but I couldn't and now I wish I hadn't bothered.
Be happy in yourself. You should of kicked the horrible basta.d out.

I've learned to be ruthless, a trait I have observed in my male friends that I have adapted as a strength. Sometimes a relationship becomes toxic. When you only get hurt, or the hurt surmounts anything positive that happens in the relationship. That is when I would advise beginning the separation process within one's mind and heart. He doesn't want to fight for you. Stop fighting for him. Start your own battle for yourself. To get yourself back. Do nothing ever again for him. He has made him stance clear. Keep a neutral face around him. Go 'Gray rock'. No frowns, no eye rolls, no grunting, no tells.

If you focused solely on the things that you dislike about him for the next few months and nothing else, I guarantee you that you will fall out of love with him. Don't clap back during this time, don't engage with him, because that shows you care. It shows yourself that you care and it gives yourself mixed messages. Give him no feedback, no evidence, give him no quarter. The objective is to no longer care and to free yourself. Just observe, and watch yourself observe. Notice your feelings, notice your reactions. Notice that you reacting to things is not an action from a position of power. A good self help book to utilize at this time is The Self Esteem workbook by Scheraldi.

Take off the metaphorical rose colored glasses... the fantasy that we tell ourselves that is in stark contrast to the reality we exist in. That you 'hope' it's going to work out, that you 'hope' he will wake up and change. Past actions are good indicators of future actions. We are pretty set in our ways after a certain age.

Check out Dating coaches on Youtube such as Team Jaxn, Mark Rosenfeld, that way you can have a better grasp of male psychology and what he and the next man might be thinking. There is also Kris Godinez, Dr. Todd Grande, Jordan Peterson, Katie Morton for a more psychological look. These are useful tools that will help you perceive things with more clarity. Check out Personality Disorders as well. If he shows you what you to want see/hear at times he can conjure the 'humanity' within himself just to shut you up, he is manipulating you, deceptive, and he doesn't really care.

I would say, pull away from his toxicity, the relationship... Sleep in a separate beds if that helps disconnect you. Say you have developed back problems (from carrying all his bs over the years lol leave this part out) and sleeping in a bed with him, when he moves, it irritates your back.

Get your finances and 'escape route' ready. It might take a full year to escape, but in that year you will be working on yourself, building yourself up. Not concerning yourself with his needs or BS. Men don't expect us to do this on our own because 'we need them and their ego'. Don't tell him about it. Men don't really care about the idle threats held over their heads, but when the woman acts and is gone, then they might care. But the object is not to get him to care, it is to get yourself to love yourself and find someone who is capable of loving you the way that you need to experience love.

Do whatever you need to do to get the title 'separated' so that way the courts can't rule in your disfavor. Think like a man, act like a woman. Get yourself out there. Go on a Dating website... have some friends that you trust take pictures of you in some nice outfits. Have them professionally done if you can. Get your makeup and hair professionally done if you want. Anyways, put these pictures up on the dating website along with a good bio that mentions nothing about your ex or of your pain. (I suffer from TMI so I have to be hyper-aware of this flaw within myself lol) Check your inbox in the next couple of days for the men who will be sending you positive messages. Then let them talk sweetly to you, allow them to be nice to you and to enjoy you for who you are.

I'm not saying force yourself to go out there and date before you have improved your mental image of yourself, but to look and see the potential. It might starkly reveal the neglect that you have endured in a way that really snaps you out of false hopes. Remember yourself. YOU ARE THE PRIZE! A man who wants you and cherishes you will bring you up, not down! I guarantee you, will you start to forget about that mess you called a husband in no time. Then you can leave him, on your terms. Take back your power.

You have to start empowering yourself. I am seeing evidence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (reliving, repeating trauma) in your postings, and he is showing you where to put your stress. My guess, he wants you to channel your negative feelings into your weight, so you'll focus on that, and not everything else that is going on around you.

I am going through something similar right now. Boy did my world change when I took off those filthy rose colored glasses!

I sincerely wish you self empowerment, and the best!!!

StarTrekgal - when I hear all
That I feel all warm inside. Maybe that sounds cruel but just thinking about completely emotionally and physically distancing MYSELF from him, like he has been doing to me on all levels for a long time makes me feel good. Save up money he doesn’t know about and then one day ..... just be gone. I feel like he cares more about appearances than he does about ME and how I’m feeling. Appearances as in worried what other people will think about him when they find out why I really left him. He’d hate to think anyone would think of him as a possible “bad guy”. The lack of emotion he has displayed towards me over the years (especially the last year n half) the nights I’ve cried myself to sleep whilst he’s been snoring away or even worse, when I’ve been upset and I’ve been sobbing in bed and he’s wide awake and ignores me completely. Not even a hug to ask if I’m ok. NOTHING. It’s been very lonely being with him. You sound like you have a lot more strength than I do right now. I wish I could get to the place you are. You sound like you’re doing really well. Thankyou for all your advice. Maybe I’ll be strong enough like you, to walk one day. I’ll have a look at the videos you mentioned aswell. I am starting counselling. Funnily enough the doctor actually said I could be suffering from PTSD due to all the trauma. No formal diagnosis but it was mentioned as a possibility. I just want to be happy again. Form me and my children to. Like Jaffa said .... my husband brings nothing to the table. All my efforts are overlooked. I suggest things like a wee drink, movie, board game so we can have fun together and learn to laugh together again. He will say yes but with no enthusiasm ... and then he’ll fall asleep on the couch and I end up going up to bed alone 😔 it makes me sad but also anger is kicking in now. Right now I feel more angry than hurt xxx

Anger is good Tara, it shows the real you inside is starting to wake up and come back to life. Use that anger to get done what needs to be done. You should be bloody angry after how you have been treated and you're starting to finally stand up for yourself.

Tara my long gone exh was like yours, emotionally distant, no empathy, sometimes did cruel things and I swear I saw him smirk.

I did exactly what StarTrekGal is suggesting. In fact nobody told me, it happened organically. I took my/his two kids and started again.

I swear i have never ever ever wanted him back. he had a complete narc meltdown after I went and threatened me with all sorts, violence, social services you name it, but i just pressed on with life and created a new one for us all.

He now lives abroad with next wife and daughter and i live with me now dh and kids have grown up and away (apart form my dear step son who lives hereI love having around even though he is 28).

Long and short of my tale is there is a whole new life out there for you! What will it entail? Much better things for you I predict! If you keep doing what you always did you keep getting the same as you always did. So change it up! Be really strong and then get something great for yourself! xxx

Tara, it sounds like he wanted to have a go at you as a way to divert attention from himself and it's all gone completely, unexpectedly wrong. I expect he's astounded that you've been so hurt. He wanted to hurt you, make no mistake about that, he was being very hurtful, but he didn't expect this reaction.

What he doesn't get is how your feelings of grief impact every essential part of your life. He doesn't seem to have that capacity for deeper feeling.

And your need to understand, plus your issues with eating now, it seems like transference from your grief. You can't do anything with the grief but you can do something with this pain from your husband and you can control your relationship with food.

You could 'fix' your food, hour weight, perhaps even your grief. You could go for counselling and couples counselling. But your husband is not going to become a different person. He is still the person who can lie next to you as you sob and stare at the ceiling, waiting for you to stop making a fuss.

I know I sound like a weak pathetic woman .... but I feel like I can’t walk away until I KNOW I don’t love him anymore. It’s something I’m really struggling to figure out. After my fathers suicide I turned to drinking (it was only a few months and I realised what I was doing to myself and I stopped) .... it was the only thing at the time that relaxed me. I realised it was making me worse in the long run. But during those few months I wasn’t easy to live with and I took a lot out on my husband (I was so angry all the time) and especially because just hours after it I had my aunt uncle friend and cousin round and he actually still went to his weekly football game. I begged him to stay with me and he said he’d only be a hour
And I had people around me and off he went. I was gutted as I never forgave him for that. But for a few months I was really difficult and there were times he tried to support me. He put up with a lot from me and still stood by me. I feel a bit like “well he stayed with me when I was giving him a hard time so I should stand by him through this” ..... I took my vows seriously. In sickness and in health, through good and bad times and this is a bad time. I can’t helo but feel like I may regret throwing away 11 years of life with him. I’ve never been so confused and frustrated 😔 xxx

Tara

You are not weak at all, these things take some time to process.

Please read up on 'sunken cost fallacy' with regard to the fact you would feel the last 11 years to be a waste if you did leave. Don't throw the rest of your life in with those 11 years. I feel everyone we meet and every relationship in life teaches us something and we can always take that away. It is all of value even if that person no longer features in our lives.

www.google.com/search?q=sunk+cost+fallacy&oq=sunken+cost&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j0l5.7780j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8