I can’t eat since my husband said my weight was a turn off

[Tarajacks]

Hi everyone,

I wasn’t really sure where else to go or what to do but I desperately need some advice before I get ill. My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Since she was born and we got married I’ve endured great tragedy
In my life starting with my biological father asking my forgiveness for never being there then hanging himself. Few months later my papa who was like my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I watched as he died a painful death. Less than a year later my beautiful gran who was everything to me had a stroke and I lay with her as she took her last breath, then 6 months later my uncle died alone in his house with a rupture to his stomach. I’ve not had much time to grieve for one and then another has died and I’ve not had much time to think about food or the gym and yes my weight has gone up. My husband has just turned 40. He works 60 hours a week. I have never really been the initiative of sex, it was always him and In the last few months that’s rapidly declined. During a heated argument he told me he can’t get hard sometimes because of my weight. My self esteem was already crippled and now it’s non existent. He had a weekend off last month and we went out and spent time together and he managed just fine having sex 3 times that weekend. I said I didn’t understand because I assumed if it was my weight it would be all the time, nor just sometimes. He said he can’t explain it. Sometimes he looks at me and feels horny and other times he feel put off by my weight and knows he won’t get an erection that night so that’s why he doesn’t try. This is left me devastated. He claims to love me so much and thinks I’m attractive and it’s just a “sometimes”
Physical thing with my weight. My weight has been up and down for years. Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, I don’t know ... but sometimes I think yes he’s noticed my weight gain but fact is he’s just gotten older and work makes him tired and he just doesn’t feel like it sometimes and has used my weight as a way to avoid the fact that maybe he has a problem?? I’ve no idea what to think. Anytime we have had sex he’s managed to get hard (takes a bit longer but he does) and he has always ejaculated very quickly so that’s nothing new. It crushes me to think of all the times I’ve lay naked beside him and he’s just been thinking gads how horrible is her body. He feels awful and has apologised and said it’s not all the time he just can’t help that my weight sometimes bothers him and it’s a physical thing. I’m going out of my mind here and psychologically I’m struggling to eat. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou x

Thankyou. I appreciate everyone’s response. I get that he isn’t going to be as attracted to me as he was 11 years ago. I think it just came at such a bad time. But it’s been said and can’t be unsaid and it’s now about how I move forward. I was already On a weight loss journey so I’ll continue with that. I have the doctors on Thursday about not being able to actually physically swallow. It’s like a psychological block I can’t seem to lift. I feel
Like I have a huge decision to make here. Will I ever feel confident in front of him again? If not, I can’t be with him ... I can’t be with someone who I don’t feel comfortable with (whether he wasn’t being malicious or whether he loves me or not) it’s no way to live with anyone. It’s only been a few weeks though so maybe I’ll start to feel better and be able to understand him better. He wants a quick fix. Anytime anything at all happens he just wants to not discuss it and put it behind us and in some ways that’s a good thing ... but in this instance I can’t. I’m trying but I can’t. Not yet anyway and I can’t give him a time scale. I can’t even give my work a time scale. I can’t eat and it’s not getting any better as the days go on. I’ve stopped feeling ANY hunger at all. It’s completely vanished. My work takes a lot of concentration and no room for mistakes. Especially with figures ... 1 digit out I could cost my company thousands of pounds. I can barely even remember what day it is, so how
I’m meant to work
I just don’t know 😔 xx

That all sounds sensible. Yes I think you need to give it a while before making permanent decisions. You're in a bad place right now and you don't know how you will feel in a few weeks or months. It can be really hard to imagine feeling differently when you're in such a low place but it's possible!

Can you drink? Even some tea with skimmed milk or some reduced sugar juice? Sounds like you could really use some blood sugar 🙁

I think he sounds like an arsehole. After everything you've been through. I honestly don't get the "I'd feel differently if my partner gained weight" brigade - I don't think such people genuinely love their partners at all and they really sound shallow. Also for all the faux health-concerned - OP's husband didn't say he was worried about her at all, he was complaining about sex despite the fact it sounds as though he's pretty shit in bed himself. So that's bollocks.

Anyway OP, I think you need to start taking care of yourself properly. What would you do if your daughter came to you as an adult and said she was starving herself because her husband complained he couldn't get his dick hard? You'd give her a shake, tell her he's a twat and cook her a nourishing meal! That's what you need to do for you! Stop thinking about what he thinks and start putting yourself first. You want to lose weight - fine, but do so healthily and sensibly. Don't punish yourself for gaining weight: it's not a crime. Keep up those positive steps you started to lose those first few lbs. Also, and it's just a thought so may be nonsense, I'm fairly sure loss of appetite/closing of the throat thing can also be linked to grief? Perhaps these negative emotions are stirring some issues around that and it may be worth some counselling?

Take care of yourself OP. And please remember that no matter your weight / size / shape / appearance you are no less worthy of respect and love than anyone else.

@KatnissK - are you really telling me that looks mean absolutely nothing and people are shallow to consider them when in a relationship?Really? I think you need to get in the real world.

You can still love someone but stop being sexually attracted to them, and this doesn't make someone a bad person.

The OP husband was maybe not the most tactful and could have gone about it differently, but I genuinely feel the reason a lot of relationships (and I'm not talking about OP here) fall apart is because people are scared to tell the truth.

Then what happens is cheating occurs as a result of not feeling free to communicate how one feels. I would rather my husband tell me I'd gained weight and to sort it out then to bottle up feelings and be unattractive to me for the next twenty years .

I’m sorry for your losses

You sound as though you’re focusing all your attention on to his comment - which many many posters have advised is him deflecting your questioning. The comment obviously wasn’t completely true or else he wouldn’t have had sex with you in the last year at all.

You know you’ve put on weight but choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to starve yourself really isn’t the answer, despite the tempting numbers on the scales. Put yourself into a diet if that helps you feel like you’re regaining control of the situation but please realise that using food as your chosen control method can result in eating disorders.

I don’t have any answers for you, I know very little about grief management but dealing with problems one step at a time is my usual approach. Focus on eating something light and easy, like a soup. Then focus on how you would help yourself feel better such as going walking, swimming or a fun gym class. Taking time with grooming (if you want to) and not consciously thinking about your body. I find that not looking in the mirror much can often help, as I have a perception of how I look which is different to how I do look. Which is clear when I look in a mirror, I look much thinner than I expect!

Funny that he only told her when she had told him she had lost 5 lbs and how awful she felt about the loss of her grandmother. It sounds like deliberately wanting you to be anxious and nothing to do with hos erections. He manages to get hard every time he has sex which seems quite often so it's all bullshit. And he sounds shit in bed too and a skinny runt not an Adonis himself . I'd find a skeletal man very unattractive

I have mixed feelings on this one because on one hand, 5 stone is a lot of weight. He is your husband and should be able to communicate with you, and probably this has been eating away at him for sometime, so the 5lbs weight loss means little to him(as unfair as that is), and you did back him into a corner.

However, I had an ex who definitely had sexual problems play the old “it’s your weight” card on me once. I am a size 8 now and was a size 8 then. I’d probably gone from 55kg to 58kg and it was clearly complete bullshit to hide his own sexual inadequacy. So it could also be a matter of him using your gain to cover up his own issues.

I think that this is all really hit a nerve for you as you are so upset with your weight. 5lbs In 10 days is phenomenal and you are doing an excellent job, keep up the good work!

Sorry, but he's a twat of the highest order!! Everyone who's replying going 'ooh maybe he's got a point dear, try some calorie controlled milkshakes' is missing the point! OP is spiralling downwards, she's grieving, depressed and on her way to developing s serious eating disorder ffs. Her DH knows this but still tells her in the cruellest way.

I agree that the problem lies with him. In my experience, if you start to go off someone it's very difficult to get back to feeling attracted to them physically. I very quickly go to 'no don't even touch me!', no way would I want to have sex 3 times in a weekend with them (good going btw, me and my DH fancy each other but it's been a long time since we managed anything like that thanks to small DC!)

My point is, he's inconsistent, clearly frustrated about something, rather than unpack what that might be, he's cruel to the OP - who is not just sitting back stuffing her face, she is actively losing weight and is the first to admit she's gained!

OP, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please try and look after yourself, eat something, you are worth so much more than this. Maybe call BEAT or another eating disorder helpline? There is help out there...focus on you and then decide what you want to do about your relationship. Good luck.

@Teacakeandalatte Honestly you aren't even that big at a size 14, I was thinking you need to lose the whole 5stone (I was going by my own bmi at the same weights at 5 foot 0 ) but it sounds like you must be taller and were very slim at 9st so really a couple of stone might be enough to put you in the healthy weight range for your height.

She's obese, well on the way to being super morbidly obese.

Her BMI is 36.9

Her MAXIMUM healthy weight, at her height, is 9 st 3 lb - so no, she wouldn't be 'very slim' at 9 st, but would in fact be almost at the heaviest she could be without impacting her health.

At 7 stone she'd be slim. At 9 stone she's on the heavy side of normal. At 13.5 stone she is putting her health in serious danger.

Forget clothes sizes. Forget her husband's erectile dysfunction.

Op. I understand why you're hurt, but your reaction is so extreme. You youtself feel you're too big, you logically understand he will still fancy you at times, but won't find you as attractive, you pushed him to say what was wrong, and although he didn't say it well, he was honest.

To be unable to eat. To talk of ending your marriage. To need to see a doctor. All because your husband told you you got too big, is really disturbing in terms of the level of your over reaction here.

Honestly, if anything I'd see a doctor about your reaction here.

You poor thing. It must have been an absolute kick in the face after everything you've suffered. I am so so sorry to read that you lost so many loves ones in such a short time. Absolutely heartbreaking. You're so brave to be even here posting and living your life how you're doing. Give yourself some props for that.

You're already doing so well, having lost five pounds in ten days. There is no need to starve yourself or punish yourself at all.

You gained weight, you didn't kill someone! We all struggle with our weight from time to time but it doesn't mean we are not worthwhile and beautiful people inside and out. It's so easy to hate yourself and punish yourself for gaining weight like it's the most shameful and horrific thing we can do as women. It really isn't but I get how it feels like that.

I had anorexia because I was a fat child made to feel disgusting for being only a little overweight. Those feelings of self disgust will never go away but I have learned to try and love myself and give my body the nourishment it deserves. It took years and years.

Your husband was being cruel to say these things to you WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I mean, what more does he want. You're on the case already. What a cock nostril.

You're already losing weight and whatever you are doing is working. Don't starve yourself. You really do sound like a nice person who deserves to eat nice meals and not go to bed hungry.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way because you deserve them.

Wow, OP. I am sitting here feeling so sad for you. Hopefully you can get some rest tonight, eat some nourishing and healthy food and wake up feeling a little better.

We are all here if you want to update and let us know how you are.

I do want to give that bellend husband of yours a punch in the bollocks for what he said. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Thankyou for the support and understanding. I feel like some are missing the point going on about how I’m obese and it’s bad for my health. That’s fine. I understand that. But my husbands concern was never about my health. And I’m not sure if it’s my shape but I can assure you when I was 9 stone I looked very thin despite only being 5,3. It’s hurtful as hell because I was trying. My mental health was already very bad and he knew that. It was like here i am, struggling with grief and sadness every single day .... I knew I’d put on weight so I go on a diet myself and start losing weight which he knows about. I’m here trying my best to be better and THEN he tells me the truth. Knowing I’d lost weight and was out there trying hard to lose even more, knowing despite my pain
I was working my ass off and trying to be happy for everyone - I simply feel that his truth was totally unnecessary and inappropriate. How much nicer it would have been if he’d sat me down a few months ago and told
Me he was worried about my health and he wanted me to be healthy so
I could live a longer life for myself, him and the kids? I don’t think there was any reason for him shame me the way he did x

You're right OP. I'm not sure why are going on about the health aspect when you have already started a healthy eating plan that is working. What good does it do pointing out how bad this weight is. You know! You're already on the case!

If you were in denial and 20 stone or something, then yeah, people would be rightly concerned. This isn't the situation here.

You were on a good path before your DH said what he did. Keep at it for YOU and if YOU want to. Better still, lose the nine stone man and find someone who can support you through grief properly. He doesn't sound like a catch, to be honest.

We don't link a bad hairstyle or snoring to our sense of worth in the same way as weight. We don't look at a streaky fake tan disaster and say "I'm such a failure who doesn't deserve love or affection". If I told a boyfriend that I didn't find his new beard attractive, he could probably separate himself from the beard - his value is the same.
We somehow need to see weight in the same way. Just something to tweak and work on. But to know that people who love us, just love us.

Everyone is different. And everyone is going through different things at different times. There’s a time when telling the “truth” will cause more damage than good (especially considering everything I’ve explained). I can’t help my reaction to this. I can’t help how it affected my almost non existent self esteem as it was (now zero). I’m absolutely bot purposely not eating because of him. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. To desperately want to be able to eat and physically/psychologically not be able to is extremely hard and frustrating. I was doing well on my diet. Still eating but not indulging, out walking every night. Losing those 5lbs meant a lot to me and I was in the mind set to keep going. Now it looks like I might lose the weight without even trying. I pray that my mind will flip a switch and I’ll be able to eat again soon. When/if I do I absolutely will continue on my weight loss journey ..... for ME and MY confidence. Not his. I’m not sure at all what the outcome
Of this will be for my my DH and I. Yes he’s allowed to feel how he feels about my weight. But the whole situation surrounding it and how he went about it has changed how I see him. I still love him right now. St least enough to not walk away yet. But it’s made me see him in a completely different light. I can’t help that either. I really just wanted advice on how to move past this because I can’t help but feel this damage is irreversible. I can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable with him again even if I got back down to a weight he “preferred” ... I think I’d still be self conscious. It’s a hard one to figure out when you love someone x

Then what happens is cheating occurs as a result of not feeling free to communicate how one feels. I would rather my husband tell me I'd gained weight and to sort it out then to bottle up feelings and be unattractive to me for the next twenty years

Do you not think that if you’d put on 5 stone you might know about it, without needing your H to point it out?

Yes he’s allowed to feel how he feels about my weight. But the whole situation surrounding it and how he went about it has changed how I see him. I still love him right now. St least enough to not walk away yet. But it’s made me see him in a completely different light. I can’t help that either.

I can totally understand this. And just some people don’t fancy their partner when they’ve put on weight, some of us find them less attractive when they’ve been a fucking asshole. Certainly for me a big part of sex is emotional vulnerability and once you feel that your partner doesn’t accept you 100% as you are, it can be really difficult to get that back. I hope you start to feel better physically and emotionally, try not to make any big decisions right now as you’re in a state of turmoil. Just keep taking care of yourself, if you can’t face food then maybe a Slimfast shake or something, just to get some nutrients into you, and take some time to process how you feel about yourself, your relationship and your future.

Over how long did you put in the weight?

Because it might have taken him years before making one comment.

He's probably feeling fairly shiity too, as he has had no evidence that you desire him (you say you never initiate). He stopped initiating, eventually. You've also had a heck of a lot going on, much of it dreadful, so I suspect he's been feeling taken for granted too.

Key question is whether or not you actually want this marriage to change. With both of you happy enough and each of you initiating intimacy.

But I think it could take quite a lot of work to get to that point.

And start by looking after yourself. You are not acting rationally at the moment (in effect you've gone on hunger strike). I am glad you gave a doctors appointment in the offing.

@Bluntness100 Maybe because OP is already losing weight. I really dont think its OPs reaction thats the problem One of the things Sally Challens husband used to abuse her about was her weight.

If someone said to a drug addict that they should really get help for their habit when they had already been clean for a period of time i suspect the reactions would be very different.

I think that your only option,is to try and lose some weight,if you think that this is the main problem,and that you can't get over the hurtful comments from your husband. Don't torture yourself any longer,with all these thoughts in your head.

Your partner doesn't sound like the best lover anyway, but that's beside the point really.

More gaslighting OP has already started losing weight How fast do you expect it to come off exactly.

@WasFatNowThin I like your style

He sounds horrible. I'd get rid of the excess weight by getting rid of him.

@1forAll74 If you had written "lose some weight so you can be your husbands wank sock" at least that would have been more honest.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work to me. And if OP is such a turn off he wont mind missing out on sex will he.

Are you on hormonal contraception OP. If you stop taking it and return your body to its natural hormonal state that will make more weight loss easier And take sex off the table (as you are such a turn off hubby wont mind right) so you dont risk pregnancy + no artificial hormones will really help. Im sure your "D" H will be right behind this optimal state for weight loss being as hes the one who made those comments.

These suggestions would have to mean putting his money where his mouth is.