Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Hi - am hoping for some advice. I split with my husband last October having been married for 12 years. We'd been miserable for at least a year by that point. He and I still get along ok and are friendly enough when passing over the kid. He had a cuppa and a quick gossip when he dropped or off last week for example.

I decided to try OLD and I think I am ready for baby steps. I messaged guy#1 on Friday and guy#2 messaged me on Saturday. We've both traded a few very basic get to know you messages but I am now doubting myself. One of them asked me about my hobbies - I don't have "hobbies". I have a kid, a dog, a job, a house and a load of laundry to do. I don't remember having hobbies. I have my DD full time apart from EOW and the dog full time. I can't just rush off dating at the drop of a hat.

I REALLY want an evening out with cocktails, flirty banter and possibly a roll in the hay afterwards. I then want to get up and leave and go home to let the dog out. I live miles away from anywhere to go for this imaginary meal so would need to pre-book taxis. I am not sure I am ready to "date". I am not sure I even want to date - I just want a fling! Any ideas where I find one?

@shitwithsugaron good GOD. Did you call his bluff and contact his son's mum?

Sorry, I was reading your initial reply shitwith when I posted that and didn't see your follow up

@shitwithsugaron I'm curious what the red flags were? - maybe you don't want to hash over old ground & I understand if you don't

@Cath2907 I don't have "hobbies". I have a kid, a dog, a job, a house and a load of laundry to do. if you’d written cat instead of dog there I’d have thought you were me

@shitwithsugaron God, his poor GF.....And she's still with him? How awful. It all seems so obvious in hindsight doesn't it - but at the time especially spread out it's hard to put them together into a coherent structure...Strangely, there is someone I know who met her bf OLD, not been to his house in - 3 years?

@shitwithsugaron I hear ya. I had to learn too (though my sitch didn't involve a GF). It's a funny old thing but high intensity chemistry is so often present with Emotionally unavailable/narcissist/toxic types because they so shamelessly love bomb/future fake along with intermittent communication/erratic behaviour - it becomes addicting. How long before you met Mr B?

@shitwithsugaron Aw that's so lovely - you deserve it after that experience.

Hello all! Regular name changer here, I posted on previous threads but haven't done for a few months because it was getting depressing watching you all have fun & success and not so much as a sniff for me. Expensive e-harmony was a waste of time for me, but free bumble has been more productive! I had a couple of dates with Mr Highly Qualified Psychologist who by his own admission couldn't read basic intent and body language(!?), a Raj Koothrappali who couldn't talk to women without alcohol in his system, a guy who bless him was not intelligent and seemed totally incapable of explaining what his job was... and the guy from last night, who I think I will call Mr 5-dates-in-1 or perhaps just Mr Click because we really did seem to click and get on very well! 5 in 1 because we went to an art gallery, then to its cafe for coffee & cake, then to a coffee shop because we weren't quite done talking, then for dinner, stayed after two courses for another drink, then went to a pub for another, then snogged in the beer garden! 😁 8 hours that took. He has been in touch last night and today too still keen.

Cath2907 Any of the dating sites can be used to find someone to "scratch an itch", but you are likely to find quite a few players / married men etc, so tread with care.

Some of us on the thread are on Fabswingers, which (as the name implies) is a swingers site but can be used for the sort of thing you are looking for. It can be a reral eye opener, but the people on there are (generally!) respectful, and honest about who they are and what they are looking for. HTH.

@SimonJT I hoe you had a great time at Glasto yesterday. That speech by your friend was amazing. I have a gay brother and daughter and his words were beautiful.

I'm not keen about FWB being demoted @simonjt #overinvested

@Savoretti if I could offer a different opinion. I sometimes do the same, I'll say good night to my boyfriend, and as I'm falling asleep my phone will ping at me and I'll reply and start a conversation with someone else, particularly a friend who is going through a bad breakup and needs support. He wouldn't have known this in the early stages of dating and could be upset to suddenly see me still online two hours after I said goodnight but he never mentioned it.

Likewise I've seen him on WhatsApp after he's said goodnight and also been really annoyed by it. We all have different lifestyles and ways of communicating and now I've spent a few evenings with him I understand his - for example he has friends abroad so I don't get stressed by him being online really late, it probably isn't another woman.

Were you exclusive? If so being on pof would bother me although he may have been checking to see if you were on pof. Also the apps aren't always correct. @hairyarsedman and I tested Match and it said he was live when he wasn't. And while exclusive I still went on Match out of boredom every day. I would never have dated anyone else. I have now hidden my profile and I am not intending to go back while I focus on Mr Runner.

Obviously we need to trust our instincts but also if we really like someone we need to be patient and learn a bit more about their life and how they communicate. I nearly dumped Mr Runner a month ago because of all my anxieties, but I calmed down and we have things planned for July and August. It's still early days and I am grateful that @hairyarsedman calmed me down a few times and gave the other perspective when I was having a panic.

Wow @shitwithsugaron that sounds like the experience I had with my ex. Went on for months. It ended when I found out he was still with the mother of his son. She asked for proof of it all. Told me there had been another before me. Funny enough that one had ended in October and mine with him started in the Dec. She's still with him

Fully lovebombed, he loved me. Everything moved so quickly.

I'll add my tale of woe into this mix @shitwithsugaron and @lifegoes - my stbxh was having terrible mental health problems - drinking too much, working too much. He told me he needed a break from family life to get his head sorted. He moved out to a friend's spare room - still came round to see DD, family days out at the weekend etc. He had in fact been fucking a colleague for 6 months before he moved out and the guilt was eating him alive. I didn't find out for another 8 months what was going on. Of course all the signs were there - he stopped wearing his wedding ring - a sudden allergic reaction apparently (after 7 years of wearing it)... Stopped answering his phone, out partying like it was 1999, told me not to put anything on social media as he was being stalked and was protecting me . It wasn't until I found a photograph of him and his OW on Facebook that he confessed - and wanted my sympathy for the amount of stress it had caused him because he was suicidal over it and as I was his best friend and I should understand - wtf??. So yeah, I have huge trust issues going forward, but I try every day to not let his twattery affect how I treat others. And it's so hard and I fail regularly. for you and anyone else that needs them today.

It seems like many of us have been f*cked over in the past. My stbexh told me he wasn't happy (after being a miserable bastard for a few weeks and me finally asking what was wrong). Said it was because I always made him feel bad about going out, which I didn't do intentionally but yes, when you have a wife and 2 kids and insist on going out every time anyone even suggests it and are the first to arrive and last to leave, maybe my patience was wearing thin.
Apparently I never went out with my friends any more (erm...when do I go out when you're out all the time and when you're not I would quite like to see the person I married and had kids with), blah, balh, all my fault.

A couple of weeks later I found work emails on his ipad between him and a 12 years younger colleague, which told me all I needed to know and his bags were packed when he got home for work.

I also had the "You're my best friend" tearful conversations during those 2 weeks of lies. No, no i'm not. I would NEVER treat my best friends like that.

Anyway, I might be single but I am no longer with a lying, cheating manchild. She can have him and I'm sure he'll do the same to her when the novelty wears off.

This feels like therapy!