Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Hi all,

So glad I found this thread! I’m quite new to OLD decided to get myself back out there after being single for several years! So I went on my first date last Friday - it went well I think, met at 7:30 and the last to leave the pub just after 11. We arranged another date but due to being a single Mum, can only do every other weekend so planned for next Friday. He’s texted me every day which is promising but yesterday he texted asking if I wanted to meet again. I replied of course we’ve arranged a second date haven’t we? To which he replied ‘great - what were we doing again?’ It’s really thrown me! Here’s me thinking woohoo I have a second date and he can’t even remember when it is?! Puts me off this dating lark already! Also how do you all cope with the fact some of these men are multi dating? I would never cope in Love Island

I get that 10 dates is quite a few but I don't think anyone should "expect" sex. If it were a man saying that he'd get flamed so I don't think it has anything to do with feminism to be honest.

My honest opinion is that you should forget MrShakes as this is making you very upset. I hope you are ok x

@essejay72 Plenty of women multi date too. That's no judgement, just that's it's quite common, especially until you are a good few dates in and have had an 'exclusivity' chat.

OLD is a whole new world though so good luck!

@LooUpdate I've been lurking and can see where you are coming from. Agree though that if things are stressing you out this much, MrShakes probably isnt the right one for you.

@essejay72 I multi-dated and had to put them all in my calendar so I didn't forget what I was doing, where and who OLD is brutal actually so read the rules and develop a thick skin! Good luck

@LooUpdate

The cynic in me suspects he was relieved.

You don't know that, but he may have been 🤷🏻‍♀️

My question is this: why are women supposed to put up and shut up, and even massage a guys ego when this happens? Yet the man doesn't offer any explanation or reassurance TO US. Double standards?

No one is telling you to put up and shut up. If you don't like it there are plenty more fish in the sea so sack him off and look for someone else. On the other hand if you feel you have a genuine connection with him and this is the only issue, then people - particularly the men on this board, who I take my hat off to having been so candid and honest in sharing their own personal experiences of let's face it, is probably every blokes worst nightmare, are suggesting that there are ways of working through this particular hurdle - no one is saying give it months or years. Only you know what you're prepared to invest time and emotion wise in this relationship and there is no right or wrong answer. Can you not see there is a huge chasm between massaging someone's ego and feeling empathy towards them because you are a decent human being?

He was extremely shady in giving an explanation for his ED, and after I probed a few times he blamed his ex for cheating on him. So, how come I'm supposed to meekly accept any crumbs of excuse thrown my way?

He's probably mortifyingly embarrassed at what has happened and was grasping at anything to give you a reason as to why it may have happened - he probably doesn't know either. All he wanted you to know was "It's nothing to do with you Loo, its all in my head/cock".

Yet I'm also told my own experience with my ex is irrelevant? Is this sexism? Poor male ego. Fuck womens ego.

Your experience with your ex is not irrelevant at all. I'd go so far as to say it's so relevant you will never be able to get over this thing with MrShakes because you are hell bent on making it about you and not him. If I had problems getting turned on or orgasming unless I was in the right head space (and actually that has probably happened to most of us women at some time) a bloke demanding to know why I wasn't getting wet would make my fanny shrivel like a popped balloon.

@looupdate you sound so angry and upset in your post. Noone said you had to console him or that you had to accept the crumbs. I really think you should say goodbye to Mr S. He's really triggered something in you and can't help but think you should both move on.

essie sorry but your iron sounds like a flake. Not remembering what had been arranged smacks of him being a player, juggling a complicated ‘love’ life. That’s not a problem to some, but if all your eggs are in a flaky basket and you are new to this, it’s not the best start. I would call him out on this.

@XXVaginaAndAUterus Sounds like you had a great date. I'd normally recommend leaving 24hrs between a wax and getting intimate, but needs must, so stick some aloe vera gel in the fridge and apply it as required during the day and any redness should go quite quickly if you've had the whole lot whipped off.

Evening everyone. Feeling rather lonely atm. Even Mr Casual has gone quiet. So no excitement at all on the horizon! Doesn’t help that I’m having a gorgeous weekend away with my DD and the place is filled with happy families 🙄

@LooUpdate.

I think we've given enough real life experiences & reassurances forcing day. I think its time you let Mr shakes go & before you date again you work through your issues. I will say this very kindly......perhaps invest in a vibrator if all you want is a hard phallus. I think a man would get a very very hard time (pun intended) if he came on here saying that his girlfriend of a few months had vaginosis & couldn't let him penetrate her. And this comes from a man who has a high sex drive & would be wanting sex after the 3rd or 4th date.

@FMFL I think the nature of OLD is that it's full on or nothing. I always found it very cyclical and could even pin point when old irons would get back in contact - usually within about 6 weeks of ending contact when they'd obviously been blown out by irons they'd dropped me for and couldn't be bothered starting up any new chats so returned to something familiar.

If it gives you any hope I matched with MrC on a long weekend away with my DD, so I'd highly recommend doing some swiping with a glass of wine after your little one has gone to bed. It worked for me 🤞🏻

loo sorry your evening didn’t go to plan. I agree it’s time to let Mr Shakes go and move on. I think you are going to get very stressed if you keep persuing a sexual relationship with this man.

To be honest if any of the men on this thread said they were upset that their female dates were nervous first time dtd and hadn’t got wet enough and they were considering dumping because of it I would probably report them. That probably makes me sexist 🤷‍♀️

Please don’t think I am having a go at you, it sounds like you went through shit with your ex but I think you need to take a step back and rethink what you want right now. so many of us have had 1st time nerves and let downs and realised it isn’t a massive deal and if everyone relaxes it usually comes right x

@JeSuisPrest cheered me up there, thank you 😊 I’ll get on it in the morning by the pool

So I've just been out for my birthday and chatted up some hunk, ran after him and asked if he was single, asked if he'd like a drink and gave him my number!! We will see!! My taxi driver was hot too. Maybe I'm just getting desperate 😂

@LooUpdate There is no way I would have sex with someone after ten dates, so if that person stopped seeing me because of that it is very clear that they would be seeing me as nothing more than a penis.

@StarryUnicorn You’re not a weirdo.

@FMFL Remember that you are also currently a happy family on a family holiday. You just happen to be a family of 2. And it might look like they’re all happy families, but we all know looks can be deceiving.

@LooUpdate Again (and not to pile in and make you feel worse) I agree with the others. It really sounds like it would be best for both you and MrShakes to call it a day now. You do sound extremely angry and it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to get past what this has triggered in you. It’s definitely something to discuss with your counsellor because it may well be an issue that reoccurs.

None of us have said that you owe MrShakes anything (several of us have explicitly said that you don’t have to make his problems your problems). It’s definitely not a ‘put up and shut up’ thing.

And I do agree with the others that we would be shocked if a man were posting about how a woman needed to perform to his satisfaction or they’d be dumped. And talking about her sexual performance issues in terms of ‘betrayal’ and ‘excuses’ etc. That is what people meant in saying that (however much you may not mean it to) it is coming across that you are seeing MrShakes as just a cock.

I am really sorry that you’re feeling so bad about it all right now. You do deserve to be happy.

@Lillyrose19 Not desperate at all just a confident possibly pissed woman. I don't think a man would think twice about giving a lady his number if he felt there was a mutual attraction. Fortune favours the brave and all that. 🤞🏻

I just want to send you a big hug, looupdate. I hope you read the replies you had knowing that they're sent with love in their hearts for you, as I know it could easily feel like we are all piling on. I wish you well. Xxx

@Lillyrose19 you go girl! That’s brilliant, and I hope he messages soon

@Savoretti @JeSuisPrest Thank you! I was quite pissed at that point. My problem is I'm only confident when I'm drunk. Could do with a daily pill that gives that confidence all the time 🙄. Oh and "fanny flaps shrivelled up like a popped balloon"🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Fortune.favours the brave has to be the next thread title!

In fact I will make it now