Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

LooUpdate I've not had issues the first time DTD with a new partner, but as I said previously, I have resorted to chemical help, which I think for me is really a form of security blanket.

Hadthesnip makes some good points. I can get turned on from just snogging, so the "fooling around" fully clothed would definitely have the desired affect on me

loo just take sex off the table tonight and if it happens,it happens. If you're looking for a lifetime partner and he is great in other ways, the sex will come and you can learn what pleases you both. If you just need sex now, I would honestly cancel tonight and join fab swingers and have your needs met.

This morning I got a random txt from Mr eyes,who I had two dates with three weeks ago.
Did we get wires crossed? What happened. I was seething . I could have ignored it but I thought I'd reply and tell him how he made me feel,just so he could get some tips for the next woman he might ghost.

I explained he made me feel shit and that I wasnt some fallback girl and that I waited for a txt and none came. That I had moved on but would always say hi if I bumped into him in local town and no hard feelings ( I'm too nice,I know).
I then found myself feeling very in control and messaged Mr dadbod twice!! I know he is asleep after his shift but I suddenly feel better. He is reliable and so far been just amazing.thanks Mr eyes for giving me a wake up call.
Incidentally, Mr dadbod has no idea he is staying. Said he cant drink alot as he is driving home and made no indication of knowing he might( though I expect he secretly hopes).

Sunshine I’m recovering well, keep over doing it so I need to behave.

I am dropping a shift at work for the summer to enable me to camp more with the dc’s, hopefully we will spending more time away than at home and living off grid 😁, not sure how the kids feel about it or the dog. I need a break from the dating thing and need to start enjoying the simple things in life. We go away the first weekend in August and then hopefully most weekends we will be camping. I’m hoping to get a few days away on my own too if the dd’s dad steps up and takes them.

Looupdate - I havent slept with many people but have experienced someone not being able to perform first time. Dont think its uncommon at all.

Date 2 with MrBE (blue eyes) went very well last night and looking like there will be a third. Went to a comedy club and then onto a club after till late. He also ended up coming back to mine and DTD 🙈. Pretty early for me but we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Hes a refreshing change to my previous irons and I have fun with him. I'm glad I gave him a chance and didn't dismiss him when he admitted to being a little shorter than me 😉

@shitwithsugaron Glad it went OK and he acknowledged how his lack of interest made you feel. Exciting about MrB meeting your DD, things are definitely progressing...

@kerkyra - well done on telling MrEyes exactly where he'd messed it up with you. Do these men think we live in a vacuum just waiting on their messages and don't crack on with our own lives in their absence? 2 messages to MrDadBod - you minx!

@Lovemusic33 I think you have helped me to decide to delete the apps for a while later. I spend too much time swiping on them and getting disillusioned when I could be using my time for better things. My summer is pretty much all planned out with holidays and music festivals so no time for a new man anyway (might just squeeze Mr SAS in now and again )

Need to catch up on a few pages but MissHair blew me away last night with how supportive she is. I had a nasty car accident on the way to her house, only me involved, all my own fault and I'm ok, but she was amazing!
I merely rang to say why I wasn't coming, but she was there in 5 minutes and stayed with me for over 3 hours while I spoke to the police and organised car recovery. Then she took me home and cuddled me until I eventually went to sleep.
I was very shaken up and couldn't think straight, so having her there to help me organise things was invaluable.
She was fantastic and I'm incredibly grateful.

Ah, @Ant330 that's awful and so glad you had her support. I hope you are ok today.

Aww @Ant330 that's really lovely and glad she looked after you. This is what I'm not used my ex-husband was a total shit and wouldn't look after me at all not even when I had a c section with our daughter. MrTall not only came and got me from hospital but has also checked in every day to make sure I have everything I need. We are so very close to saying the L word it's untrue. He messaged me this morning saying he missed me and couldn't wait to see me tomorrow night.

It's such a lovely feeling when you have someone on your mind and you know they're thinking of you too.

This is very true @kermitrulesok and I'm glad you have this with Mr Tall.

Despite our unconventional set up, Mr SAS has been lovely this week when I was feeling down. He rang me when I told him he shouldn't because I would cry and last night when he told me his daughter isn't in a good place with her MH, I told him I'm here if he wants to talk but I won't pressure him to do so. He was very grateful and when I told him I think a lot of him, he said the feeling was "very much mutual, even if it doesn't always come across that way". That's pretty deep for him!

Just for those that perhaps didn't see what I posted on Monday after the first flop: I was married to a man for 10 years who turned out to be asexual. Our relationship started off like this, with him unable to get an erection and him giving many excuses as to why. It never improved. It was soul destroying. I know Mr Shakes isn't my ex however he did disclose that his ex cheated on him. Maybe this is why. They were together 17 years

@Sunshineandflipflops if only MrSAS would just realise that you're the one for him and vice versa!!

@LooUpdate I really can understand your anxieties about Mr Shakes when you take into consideration your past but my ex (together 20 years, married 13) cheated on me and our sex life was fine. There could have been any reason (or none) for her cheating.

LooUpdate I have slept with several men that struggled first time (maybe 2 men out of many), have also dated men who have many issues in the bedroom and yes, most of them had been cheated on by their ex and I can kind of see why. I think with dating you have to give someone a 2nd or even a 3rd chance after a rubbish first time but it does make me wary as sex is pretty bloody important in a relationship, or it is to me anyway. I would give Mr Shakes a couple chances and if no improvement then walk away. One man I dated last year was actually bloody amazing first time but then gradually it became awful with him not being able to maintain an errection, his ex had cheated on him probably because of the lack of good sex.

@kermitrulesok I know, but I have accepted this is never going to happen with us.

@LooUpdate I think those that have commented have taken your exes sexuality into account hence saying please don't assume that is what is causing MrShakes problem. I don't think anyone is suggesting you give MrShakes 10 years to sort himself out either - just a few more dates to relax and get to a place where he can feel so comfortable and relaxed with you, he doesn't need to think about what is going on in the trouser department.

This probably won't make me popular, but reading more of your posts makes me think perhaps you should call it a day with him if this is such a big issue for you after one time of it happening. Please take this in the way it is intended (with love) - you are completely over reacting to it, which is understandable given your previous relationship issues, but I fear if it happens again, you'll freak out and still won't believe it's nothing to do with you and poor MrShakes will never get an erection with you or anyone else, which is such a shame as you really seem to like him

@Ant330 MsHair sounds like an absolute keeper - get both your arse cheeks on the smitten/Beyonce Bench right now.

Sunshine hope you enjoy your summer, lots of fun to be had without the stress of dating. I will be coming off the apps, I just need to get a phone number off the one person I am talking too but I’m not sure i will ever meet him. It will be refreshing to have a break and enjoy real life for a while.

Ant Sounds nasty - hope you are ok. I had a minor incident on the way home last Friday (learner driver - not my fault..). No injuries, and only minor scratches on my vehicle, but it shook me up for a bit..

@Savoretti They aren’t having a honeymoon for a while, her girlfriend is in the forces and goes back to Cyprus on Tuesday, so we’re safe for a little while.

@LooUpdate I’m sure it isn’t the case, but if I was MrShakes I would be worried that you saw me as nothing more than just a penis. For a ONS thats fine, for a potential relationship it really isn’t. Your ex may have been asexual, but that isn’t MrS’ fault and there is nothing he can do to change that, you’re the only one who can work on fixing you.

I’m glad you’re ok @Ant330. It sounds like a horrible thing to have happened. I’m glad MsHair was there for you.

Glad you sorted it out with MrB @. How exciting that he’s going to meet your DD.

@LooUpdate I actually agree with @JeSuisPrest (rather than her making herself unpopular). I think that you should decide whether you can get over your own anxieties enough to give MrShakes the patience he may need. I understand your anxieties but there is a risk that you might put poo MrShakes off forever. All these feelings of ‘betrayal’ etc will come across in your attitude. Inevitably.

There may be millions of reasons why his ex cheated on him. Most of them may be nothing to do with him. For example, MrSG’s ex cheated on him and it wasn’t because of sex or any problem with him. The reason was that she’s a calculating, gold digging cow who trapped him with a ‘surprise pregnancy’ (she’d already tried this previously on another guy who didn’t step up so she had an abortion), guilted him into marrying her and then, literally as soon as she’d gotten married and forced him to buy a house where she grew up, started cheating on him. It feels somehow unsisterly to have to say it, but all the evidence is overwhelming that she was that calculating about it (and her weird, angry messages this week have revealed much more about her thought processes than anything going on between MrSG and me). She was really angry when she realised that divorce law does not force him to buy her a house and pay for her for the next 20+ years and seems to be livid that he’s met someone who actually likes him (and not as a meal ticket).

However, that experience has most definitely knocked MrSG’s confidence. And one way it manifests can be overthinking about sex or assuming that he’s not going to be enough for me. Being cheated on may have had a similar eff

Pressed post too soon...

Being cheated on may have had a similar effect on MrShakes.

That doesn’t mean that you’re obliged to wait or do anything to help him @LooUpdate. His issues are his own and you do not need to take them on. But you do need to decide whether it’s something you can or want to do. It may be that he’s a lovely guy but it isn’t the right time for either of you. Or he’s lovely but not right for you.

Yeah I have to say @LooUpdate I would never make any promises as I believe/have found it takes two to tango. I don't have loads of anxiety about performance as a result but if things get a bit droopy then that can be mortifying in the moment as I know that might make a woman feel less desirable or that it's nerve wracking for them to feel that they've done something to cause that.

Having read your other comment above about maybe his ex- left him because of this. Try asking him instead of speculating. Have you not had the 'why did you break up?' discussion with each other ? (You may have but could now be disbelieving?)

My ex- had an affair (possibly more than one). She didn't feel secure about herself and quite nastily said the only thing I was good at was sex (I see that as nasty not I'd much rather be considered a good all rounder but actually felt I did put a lot into the relationship/family life etc). She probably still doesn't feel secure, as she conducted an 18 month affair with a married man post split, and now tells me how every bloke she's ever met came/comes on to her [shrug]

Ant sorry to hear about your crash, hope you are OK today. Miss Hair is sounding like a keeper

sunshine it sounds like you have a lovely summer and it sounds like Mr SAS does like you too!

Love you have had a rough time lately- camping and coming off the apps sounds like a great idea

never Mr Blueeyes sounds great!!

I had a lovely night with Mr Big. Kids stayed asleep so that was great. I am still unsure how I feel about him. I am slightly concerned that I liked the challenge of him and now we are exclusive I might be losing interest. We will see. We have some fun dates planned over next few weeks and a full weekend childfree soon. He is attractive, clever, funny but there is just something missing. Maybe I am just not ready for a relationship. Mind you its taken 6 months for us to get to exclusive dating so I dont think he is in a massive rush to relationship me either :)

crustaceans I don’t even have children at home as an excuse - I just don’t want a guy around all the time. It means I end up with the unavailable types, which is fine by me really as I’m also unavailable, but I do wonder whether I’m missing some amazing quality inherent in living together that has just passed me by