Dating thread 163: The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I’m not sure there is anything wrong with you @CassettesAreCool. I think a lot of people who’ve been there done that previously are not looking for that kind of relationship. And that’s totally OK.

My mum didn’t move in with my stepdad (they’ve been together nearly 30 years now) until I had long since left home. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have a proper relationship, but clearly she didn’t want the standard moving in together thing while she had kids at home.

Tonight I'm attempting to DTD with Mr Shakes. 2nd attempt. If it fails, I give up. I don't understand "performance anxiety" or what causes it. They say men are visually stimulated, that's why they're big consumers of porn. Well, I'm no model. I've had three kids. However I look after myself as best as I can and I'm in the ideal weight range for my height. If that isn't good enough for him then we are not a good match right? He should be turned on by me just as I am. I'm close to tears writing this.

Any males able to shed some light of this "performance anxiety" issue?

Oh looupdate it’s not that at all. Please go back and re read what the blokes have said about performance anxiety. Tbh I feel a bit sorry for Mr Shakes as you are putting a lot of pressure on him.

If a man said if she doesn’t DTD tonight I am dumping her there would be outrage!

Please rethink, take the pressure off, have a nice date and see what happens. You might throw away a keeper because of YOUR personal anxiety

Tbh he said he was up for it, promised I'd have a good time, bigged up his prowess and then didn't deliver anywhere near that. How is that me being unreasonable? It was like being intimate with a teenage boy. Much of my attraction died. I feel he has mis sold himself and that is a betrayal! Why do men do this?

I'm another feeling sorry for Mr Shakes. @looupdate. it's not about you. You really need to learn how to understand that.

Xpost. Bigging himself up has no doubt not helped this for either of you. I must admit I wouldn't like someone who does that.

Mr G never bragged about his skills and he's fantastic.

If someone is really good at something they don't need to brag imo.

@LooUpdate Oh why go in with the mindset of "we are DTD tonight" - that's pressure right there before you even start, lovely. I know you're feeling anxious about it, but I can guarantee it's nothing to what he must be feeling. MrC is a proper emotional softy and needs to be in the right headspace to DTD - I swear I could stand in front of him wearing nothing but a smile and and come hither look, but if he's not in the "zone" all I would get would be a lovely cuddle and an apology. Other times, he'll turn into some sort of Hollywood style leading man and be really confident - it just depends what's going on in his head. It really is nothing to do with the way you look sweetheart. I felt exactly the same as you do - what's wrong with the way I look, he doesn't find me attractive, when actually it's probably the complete opposite - he's putting pressure on himself because you mean a lot to him and he wants to impress you.

I've looked back through our old messages after our first failed attempt and his comments can be summarised as - too much drink, nerves, lack of confidence, pressure to perform, aware I was much more erm experienced than him , wanted to impress me, needed an emotional connection first. Me? I never needed those things to DTD with a complete stranger - it was just a sexual act that I got pleasure from. He on the other hand didn't have sex for 2 years before we met - he'd been on plenty of dates, but said he just never felt that connection with anyone. It appears I have a male sex brain and his is female - who knows? Whatever, we do have a good sex life.

@shitwithsugaron Hope you're OK.

I feel a bit sorry for MrShakes too. With all this pressure (and he will feel it) he’s doomed to failure.

Honestly, @LooUpdate performance anxiety is not about you. In fact, it’s more likely to happen because he likes and wants to impress you.

Do you think it might be worth getting some counselling to help you to see this sort of thing differently?

LooUpdate He obviously overpromised and under-delivered! I can sort of understand your angst.

By saying these sort of things, he really put pressure on himself. I wonder how he felt afterwards..

Personally, I'd never say anything like that. I don't consider myself a fantastic (or even average) lover, so just let things take their natural course. It seems to have worked out ok in the past...

Sex is very important to me. I'm a physical person. If this weekend is another disaster, I switch POF on again (with a heavy heart). Mr Shakes said he was into 50 shades and stuff like that, with him as the dom. This was very appealing to me. The little boy I had in bed on Monday was NO dom. I think a huge part of my attraction to him was the persona of him taking charge. Turns out it was a stupid lie. I don't understand it.

I am in counseling at the moment and will definitely mention this to my awesome therapist. Good advice, thanks.

@LooUpdate I agree with the others. I can understand your frustration and upset over this but it's rarely about appearance and if it was, then surely he wouldn't be dating you if he didn't fancy you?

Try and relax and take the pressure off and I@m sure that way when it does happen it will be all the better.

Looupdate,

You can go to bed, feel very nervous, too nervous to actually orgasm or really enjoy it but all you have to do to have sex is lie on your back, open your legs and make encouraging noises
And hope next time the nerves have gone.

The same nerves in a man can prevent an erection. In my case they can prevent orgasm and its not that uncommon for me to fake the 1st time (thank god for condoms!)

Be kind to yourself and him.

LooUpdate I wonder how much of that was real, and how much fantasy.

I quite like the idea of being a Dom , but frankly, wouldn't know where to start...

I am also very physical and tactile, and sex is very important to me. I'd not brag about my prowess or big myself up in any way - in my view, it's just asking for trouble.

wonder how much of that was real, and how much fantasy

I'm not sure the distinction. By "real", do you mean having past experience as a dom?

looupdate if you want a “real” dom from the off you probably need to look at fabswingers or a BDSM munch.

Most of the dominant men I have been with have started out as normal sex and moved into something a bit less vanilla as time went on

Also in my experience men who like to dominate are quite confident in other areas of their lives. Mr Shakes was named for a reason. He was so nervous when you met surely you would expect him to be nervous when venturing into a sexual relationship?

I love a good sexting sesh but take it for what it is imaginative talk not a promise or guarantee

Also sorry but if a man told me he was into 50 shades I would think he was a teenage girl 🙈

Hi @LooUpdate.

I did post on here the other day about "performance anxiety". I dont know if you read it, if not then please scrool back a few pages & try to take in what I wrote.

Tmi warning.

It is definitely NOT about you, how you look or how you perform. It is mental & it is all in his head. For me, once I'm of that mindset that I am not going to get hard then it wont get hard. End of. No matter how much I am stimulated by hand or mouth. As I said in my earlier post - try taking off the pressure by not making it out to be all about penetration. I would start by general kissing & touching FULLY CLOTHED. Get him hard the old way of "heavy petting".....making sure he touches you.......feels your breasts & in between your legs. Make sure he knows that you are being turned on. Dont make it all about him. Then start touching him, again fully clothed. Dont just undress & jump into bed expecting him to be ready to perform.

However, if the above doesn't work & he is still a limp biscuit then I'm afraid you will have to to think about dumping him.

Thanks for all the advice. I have a question: do most men fail to perform first time? This seems a common thread in my life.

I agree that there’s likely to be a big difference between some imaginative sexting and actually having sex.

It’s likely that MrShakes is really feeling the pressure. If you do like him and want to develop a sex life, then taking the pressure off is he only way to achieve that.

It is difficult for men because any sex depends on them performing in ways that don’t matter as much for women. But, even then, I’m certain that it just would not happen for me if I felt the kind of expectation and dire consequences for failure you’ve expressed on this thread. I do agree with others that we’d all be pretty disgusted if a man said similar things about the requirement for a woman to have sex with him.

I also agree that in normal dating (rather than swinging etc) sex lives tend to develop. You get to know each other and build up to something that works for you both.

Honestly, if I’d taken the same approach with MrSG I’d have totally missed out on a really wonderful guy - and a great sex life.

I have no idea about most men. But lots of us have shared our stories of less than stellar starts to sex in relationships. It definitely isn’t unusual and catastrophising about it helps no one.

I really am sympathetic about your horrible experiences with an ex who turned out to be asexual. But there is no reason to expect that to happen again. The vast majority of men are not asexual.

@LooUpdate MrTall really struggled on our first time. He was shaking and really freaking out. I have him a huge cuddle and told him not to worry. The second time...there was no pressure and wow what a difference! I understand you feel betrayed and I think in Mr Shakes head he's a Dom but in reality he probably needs to build up to that. I think most men have trouble the first time they dtd with someone new. The thing is they can't fake it it kinda shows when nothing's happening.

@LooUpdate there were some incredibly honest accounts from men on the thread about performance anxiety and I really think you should read them. I have not had someone who has had it but then I haven't slept with many people but it seems like most of the men on the thread have had it and it really isn't about you. Maybe he got carried away with the chat and tried to impress you, I have done a bit of that with Mr R but have got away with it.

shitwith glad the chat went well