Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

When he gets contacted by CSA and school he will be acting as though you have done something to HIM, so be prepared for that too. How dare you affect HIS life! Knob.

I’ve already done something to him by filing for divorce. I really don’t know what he expected me to do. I’ve a gut feeling he spent a lot of our money on her, and that’s why he’s not swapping financial details, because he knows I’ll find out. I don’t know whether she kept the house, but I do know divorce isn’t cheap, and he would have felt guilt and helped her pay. I’m absolutely sure of it.
I’m hoping that by filing he will have to them sort out finances.. we all hate being here and need a new start

How are you doing, OP?

Been thinking of you op and hope you are ok x

I’m ok thanks. Nothing much to report, he’s not happy I’ve filed and I’m still waiting for him to hand in his financials to his solicitor. Had a few viewings on the house but no offers so it’s just a waiting game.
I feel much stronger and, at the minute, feel fairly happy going it alone. I’ve proven in the last few months that I can do most things that need doing. Financially it’s still tough, but we’re ok

💪💙👏

Hope things are going ok, hang in there, stay strong. How are your daughters doing?

Hang in there.💐

@AllThingsBeingUnequal. My daughters are not great but we’ll get there. People try to reassure them and say it’s nothing to do with them, but their wording sometimes makes them think they’re just insignificant and just don’t matter. It’s all very, very sad for them. That’s what I wish I could change

Hi. I know I've commented before but I read your threads and I can relate to so much. It's like reading my life at the mo. Mine moved out in April, moved on within 2 weeks, lied, became aggressive, was more Interested in the new gf than his children. He went from a great dad, husband, partner to a miserable controlling man. I've been blamed for not loving enough so he's gone elsewhere. My 2 girls are 11 & 4 and have been affected. I'm filing for divorce and since he's had the papers he stopped verbally talking to me but not replied to my solicitor.....they are unbelievable. X

@bikermich. I feel for you, and your children are much younger than mine so must be finding it hard. I would love to know what happens to them, that’s what I struggle to understand. Mine cried when I told him I’d filed for divorce, and said if that’s what you want, because of course it’s my fault. At least I don’t have to deal with access for mine, not that he makes any effort, but at least the girls know that’s not down to me

This will make you all laugh on a dreary Sunday.
He’s just informed me he’s thinking of coming home. Some days it’s a yes, he wants to come home and some days it’s a no. He wants to make sure he’s coming home for the right reasons, and not just for the girls.
And there you have it. The award for the most deluded, head up his arse, twat of the year goes to..............
And there’s me thinking I have filed for divorce? That must have been a bad dream, maybe it’s going to be like Dallas (showing my age) and I’ve just had a long sleep and he’ll come walking out of the shower (although, trust me, he doesn’t look like Bobby Ewing)

Don't let him come home OP, he's a vile nasty fucker, you and your girls are doing amazing. Get an Order preventing him moving back in, you'll need your Police reports for the aggression he displayed.

Amazing that he still thinks that's a decision he gets to make now.

Bobby Ewing's "Good morning" was a real gut punch! I've never forgotten that feeling. Did you know, to keep it a secret, they filmed him in the shower doing a fictional Irish Spring commercial?

I'll bet he wishes this.had all been a bad dream.

He’s not coming ‘home’, this isn’t his home. He can’t just walk back in, he doesn’t have a key and he hasn’t lived here for 4 months now, and he has nothing at all in the house itself. He has stuff in the garage, but that’s it. He’s changed his address on stuff, so he can’t claim he lives here.
He’s now gone away all huffy because I’m sorting the garage out, and he doesn’t know why I have to do things so quickly?! He’s bloody lucky I wasn’t allowed to move his stuff out of the garage because if I’d had my way I would have thrown the lot 4 months ago, this is slow, believe me.
I don’t know what the hell has gone on in his mind but he needs professional help if he thinks he can just swan back ‘hi honey I’m home’ style. Never going to happen. He still hasn’t sent his stuff to his solicitor, 3 weeks after he said he had. Looking forward to when he gets the divorce papers citing his adultery (should be landing any time now). If he thinks I’m folding he best hope he has a good solicitor.

Have just read the FT, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re going through this OP and that I think you’re doing brilliantly. Sending strength!

You are my hero! 😘

@Mylifestartstoday - so very pleased to read your updates and know you are holding your shit together given what you are going through . The girls won't blame you for the divorce forever , although it must be so hard for you all at the moment . I had a feeling he would think he could swan in and grace you with his presence. Christ what a narcissistic twat!! I'm so pleased you are hanging in there and staying strong . Well done xx

Wow ...just wow. Ahhhh OW has dumped him I bet

@Overseasmom100. That ended weeks ago. She thought that once I’d found out it would lead to him moving in with her and she got very upset when he didn’t go to her house the night I kicked him out. She kept badgering him to live with her, after all they had talked about it, but he didn’t want to so she threw a wobbly.
I’d also been getting silent phone calls from a withheld number at crucial times in the drama (the day after I kicked him out, the day after he wouldn’t move in with her), and then the day he finished it with her I had loads. I didn’t know he had ended it but knew something had happened because of the silent phone calls, so I rang him and said I’ve had x amount of phone calls at 4:10 this afternoon. That’s when he finally believed she was behind the others too. I logged them with the police and blocked all withheld numbers coming into the house. And, she finished work at 4 so she must have got to her car and couldn’t resist calling.

Her behavior illustrates yet another wave of collateral damage from infidelity - the OW trying to drag you into her crazy. He never stopped to think about the consequences of any of his actions, including harassment or danger to you.

@beenwhereyouare. He didn’t believe me because he didn’t know how she could have my phone number....erm by doing the same as me and looking through your phone?! He really is so stupid

Mylifestartstoday I am assuming your ex hasnt turned up with his bags thinking he is moving back in?

@aweedrop no he hasn’t. He has decided he would like to answer questions about his affair though, so I think that’s his plan. After all he has told me he ‘potentially in the future’ might want to come back 😂. I’m just dusting down the red carpet as we speak and making sure I have his throne ready and waiting for that special day 😂😂
He’s NOT coming back. He was stalling because he knows he’s made a huge mistake, so he wasn’t giving his solicitor his financial details. He can’t stall now because I’ve filed for divorce so at some point he will have to comply or it will go to a judge.
I think he underestimated me (to be fair I’d underestimated myself), and thought I would fold under the pressure and wouldn’t be able to cope without him. I can see him looking around when he comes in and everything is so neat and tidy, meals done, ironing done, car washed, we’re all relaxed and he now realises what he’s lost. We, on the other hand, realise what we’ve gained, a clean tidy house, we’re all relaxed because he’s not coming in in a mood. Ok, we have a lot less money and I do miss having another adult in the house, but we will be okay.
I never thought I would manage alone, I do have bad days, where I have to go into the shower to cry (don’t want the girls to see me) but on the whole I’m much better.

I think it sounds like your doing brilliantly!