Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

@Leda82 thank you for your advice. He says he can’t afford to pay the mortgage and maintenance , which can’t be fully true because he no longer pays any bills for the home, so theoretically he must have spare cash, but when I’ve mentioned money he threatens to stop paying the mortgage, and then won’t engage saying he will put everything through his solicitor, which he knows I can’t afford.
He won’t return the divorce papers and the only free way to serve him is through his solicitor, again he goes ballistic, saying “if that’s how you want to play it” etc, putting the blame squarely on me, blaming his mental health as his excuse. Also saying if I file he won’t give me the equity in the house and he will fight for 50/50, he knows I need it to but a shared ownership but he just threatens to fight and then he will ‘get’ the girls because I will be homeless.
I just don’t know who this man is, it’s like he been possessed.
I am emotionally exhausted, and I don’t want to rock the boat, he’s not thinking of his family, so I have to, and I can’t deal with him kicking off in front of them. Which he’s done frequently, but everyone soon forgets about that.

My dear, you really need to stop listening to his idle threats! I was, and still am, absolutely terrified of my exh.
He said all of those things to me too.
Luckily I listened to my solicitor and put my trust in her.
Despite him saying he'd get custody of our children as he'd make sure I was homeless and destroy me in court, I'm not homeless and I have custody of our children.
He said I wasn't entitled to any equity in the house but the Court's sorted it all out.
I only paid my solicitor and Court after I was awarded the financial settlement.
As for you not wanting to rock the boat, unfortunately you're going to have to.
You're not doing yourself or the children any favours in the long run.
He should not be coming into your home under the guise of seeing the girls.
I really urge you to consider mediation. You'll need to do this before it gets too court anyway.You don't have to be in the same room as him and it gives you the opportunity to lay down reasonable requests.
As for the children you need to stop facilitating him.
He's using them to control the situation.
It's up to him, not you, to work on his relationship with them.
Please believe me when I say I've been where you are.

@Leda82. You’re correct. Ive sat the children down and discussed the way forward...if they want to see him they need to make their own arrangements. He was due to collect them from school Wednesday and normally I would check with him that he was still ok doing so, but I left it up to them. I felt awful because he was 45 minutes later than he’d promised, so they were stuck at school, but it had to be done.

I’ve laid new ground rules...he doesn’t come into the house, they make their own arrangements. I don’t want to know what he’s said, and they aren’t to discuss me and how I am. My bedroom is now mine, if the door is closed they must knock, as I do with them. I need some me time.
I’ve contacted his solicitor, so I’m awaiting his outburst.
I won’t go to mediation. I do have a solicitor but couldn’t afford to keep paying, but will re engage when I need her. Due to his behaviour she doesn’t think mediation would work, and so we can bypass that.
I’m sick of being everyone’s verbals and emotional punchbag, and it’s time I had a bit of peace. I feel enormous guilt that I feel as though I’ve left the children to it

I'm so proud of you! I can totally sympathise with feeling guilty regarding the children. As mother's all we want to do is protect them and spare them as much pain as possible.
You have absolutely done the right thing with not contacting him regarding the pick up from school.
It will have come as quite a shock to him that you aren't running around and picking up the pieces.
The children will find it difficult at first but they are resilient.
You deserve not to be anyone's punchbag. You've been through so much so need space, peace and time to yourself.
As for the mediation, I did bypass that as well. I had to go to the initial appointment but my solicitor had written to them explaining it wouldn't work due to his abuse (she'd witnessed it first hand with the emails he'd sent to her).
I still can't get over how brave you've been my dear.
Please keep me updated. You can always privately message me if you like.

Your boundaries sound fair and healthy. Trust your own judgement when it comes to your girls. You sound like a completely rational and fair person and it's not on that the school/ counselor are having a go. I've worked with school counsellors and they are often the lowest qualified and they hugely vary from school to school in effectiveness. I'd ignore if I were you. Keep going!! You will get there no matter how long it takes. Sending strength your way!!

I’ve spoken to my own counsellor, and she’s in agreement about the boundaries I’ve set. One thing she did say was...my daughters counsellor only knows what she has been told and some teenagers ‘may’ exaggerate or not be entirely truthful, which actually makes a lot of sense. Also, because I’m with them 99% of the time, then obviously I’m going to be the focus.
The boundaries are working well so far for me - the girls are finding it a bit more challenging, as I’m taking time for myself as well as them

How is everything going OP?

@kcw1986. Thanks for asking. Still in limbo, he still won’t communicate about finances so I’ve had to try mediation. I’ve had a session and they will invite him in, if he doesn’t go then I can move forward to a judge I think.
Eldest daughter won’t speak to him, youngest sees him because she can’t imagine life without him. nothing seems to move forward, he seems to be in control still

Sorry to hear he’s still being a bell end you’d think destroying your marriage would be enough but no.

The divorce laws in this country need updating a person shouldn’t be able to make it so hard and costly.

Really rooting for you and your girls the bastard has put you through enough.

@Leda82 - spot on, excellent advice. OP - hoping things start looking up for you soon

OP I read this for the first time today I am so sorry you are going through this. It completely broke my heart for you

You are doing amazingly well. Just keep chipping away at it, if he refuses to do anything it will eventually end up in court and it will get settled. I hope that that is sooner rather than later.

It seems like it's a case of waiting as you work your way through the system. Frustrating, but hopefully the system will inevitably churn out a result - he can't ignore it forever.

It’s all escalated. He’s seeing the affair thing again, my daughter found out weeks ago but he made her keep it a secret. She broke down last night and told me. He’s been lying again for weeks. I was furious that he’s used her so I’ve stopped him collecting her from school tonight. I also said something I regret....I told him I hope he dies. He’s now reported me to the police for threatening to kill him! I’ve phoned the police myself, told them what I’d said and have also given them details of all the times he’s threatened to come to the house late at night, how he was going to turn up on Xmas day and get in, and how he rages at me and took my car keys when he knew I had to collect our daughter (all videod)
He’s also called me a slut for going out with “loads of men”. I’ve dated 2
separate people in the 9 months he’s been gone. He says I’m setting a bad example to his children....the man who lies constantly and had a 9 month affair.
He has returned his financial info.....from September so it’s out of date and of no use to me. He’s been invited to mediation, but I now don’t want to go because he’s just so unpredictable. I can’t afford my solicitor though, so I’m still stuck here.
He won’t pay maintenance and only wants to pay the mortgage. It’s better for me if he pays maintenance and I pay half the mortgage (by about £70pm) but he’s threatening me with not paying his half of the mortgage and get the house repossessed.
I’m at a loss at what to do

My Life,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have some thoughts to share but can't finish right now. But I will PM you later.

In the meantime, please go grey rock and no contact with him, and let his contact with your daughter continue for the moment.

💙💙💙

I'm so sorry to hear he's doing this but not surprised.
He can't refuse to pay maintenance! Get in touch with CMS and they will do the work for you. I had to do this and they sorted it within a month. They get his salary details directly from HMRC.
My exh threatened all-sorts but he backed down when it was CMS dealing with him.
He probably won't turn up to mediation as he's a narcissist and will believe you'll back down if he carries on being abusive.
Like I said before, courts take a very dim view of parties not supplying correct details and he would be held in contempt of court.
If he's anything like my ex, he will comply with authority but not you as he doesn't have any respect for you. He is just a bully and a coward.

@beenwhereyouare. Thank you, I’d appreciate any insight you have.
@Leda82. I’ve contacted CMS and he doesn’t have to pay anything until 10 April, he’s refusing to pay the mortgage before then, so I’ve contacted the mortgage company and had to tell them my position. I think I’ll be ok, but I hate being in debt and have never not paid anything so it’s stressful.
He’s contacted one daughter and said he’s sorry....she just replied and said I’ve heard that before, but you don’t change. All he could come back with was that he loved them both. She won’t see him at all.
I’ve blocked him on everything. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to in case I need to speak to him urgently about the girls?
I’ve said to youngest she needs to contact him herself if she wants to see him, but that puts her in a difficult position because she doesn’t want to see him, but doesn’t know how to tell him when he messages with the emotional manipulation about how sad he is. It’s the fact he’s made her lie about the woman who broke my marriage up, and he the nerve to accuse me of being a slapper. So he can sleep with someone for 9 months while married, but I can’t have a date when I’m separated.

Get angry.

This man is jerking you about. He is full of guilt and rage at how things are turning out. He knows that you will get equity, he knows that in the end you will not be screwed over if you keep your cool.

He is trying to mess you up. So that you never claim properly and give up. Don’t settle for a quiet life. Don’t. You will regret for years and it will hurt you and your children for far longer than this divorce takes.

He is jerking your children about because he feels guilty. The easy line is “what would you do if this was a friend”? That takes the obligation out of it for children and they can have valid feelings about what is happening. They can distance themselves.

This man is treating you all with contempt, focus on the future.

Best of luck. Ignore the threats. If he fails to pay part of the mortgage and you have dependent children he is screwed. Get the papers served. Apply for maintenance pending suit so he has to pay something every month. Don’t be nice. He isn’t.

I suspect he’s back with the other woman because you dated. His delays were designed partly to hurt you, but also because he is still denying the truth. His fling destroyed his comfortable life.

Please keep dating and push things forward. You’ve come a long way in a very short time.

I have just read your whole thread and I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are still going through this.

I'm not sure if anyone else has suggested it but maybe you could set up a new email address for contact with exh about the girls. That way you dont have to see anything from him at all except at a time when you choose to. You wont accidentally see anything from him unless you check that address so its a way of removing him from everyday contact but still a line of communication if required for important information re your girls.

Any cms claims will be backdated to the date of application, so he will have to pay the arrears. He sounds very like my exH, all the lies and gaslighting the children.
Practice grey rock with him, he will likely keep on threatening and trying to needle you. Being unresponsive is the best way forward for your mental health.
These men are vile, and we should all have zero tolerance of them-because then they have nowhere to run and hide,and hopefully would change their behaviours

You have been amazing and continue to be. I recognised so much of what you have written. Is there any way you can reach a financial arrangement with you solicitor (who sounds amazing)? You need to force him into court to get this to an end where you and the girls can start to move on. Be strong 🌷

I’m needing to update as I’m losing my sanity. He didn’t ever report me for threatening to kill him but I reported him for continually threatening to come round at ridiculous hours of the night, for threatening to break in, and for the things he’s done over the last few months (barging his way in when I was trying to lock him out, screaming/raging at me). The police won’t do anything about it until he actually assaults me. He can come round whenever he wants, if the door is locked he has the right to open it however he sees fit. It’s partly his house so if he damages the door that’s ok because it’s his door to damage. He can sit in the garden, the driveway, the house if he wants to and I can’t stop him. How can this be correct? Surely I’m allowed a right to a quiet life? I can’t win, if I don’t reply to emails about the girls he accuses me of parental alienation and trying to turn them against him, if I do reply the police say I’m encouraging contact and so can’t claim harassment.
I have had no contact with him for 2/3 weeks. He hasn’t contacted our children, other than a nightly goodnight message. The eldest sent him a text telling him what she thought, and asked him where he was staying and whether he was with her, he completely ignored her then 4 hours later she got the nightly text.
He hasn’t asked how they are, whether we are all well, whether we need anything (he works in food distribution so is still working and has access to food), what school are doing about lessons, whether they’re coping with lockdown. Nothing. He hasn’t attempted to call them, hasn’t told them he misses them, nothing.
This lockdown is having a severe effect on my MH. The house will never sell, prices may drop, I’m stuck here for the foreseeable and don’t feel safe, he still hasn’t returned the divorce papers and I’m not going to be able to get him served due to lockdown. He would appear to be living with the woman, Working and his life is carrying on while mine is stagnant because of this virus and his behaviour.
All of his stuff is still here, he won’t remove it, so she gets the good him and I get the constant reminder of him and his crap.
My solicitor hasn’t returned my call/email so may be working from home due to the current lockdown. I’m feeling very isolated

Hi OP,
i’m so sorry to hear that you’re having such a rough time with your ex.
However, I think it is important for you to take charge of the situation. This is coming from someone who has seen firsthand with her grandparents what marital problems and divorce can do to children. What you’re describing is an extremely unhealthy situation. I know this is difficult, but I suggest completely cutting your EX out of your life. This means not even thinking about him. I understand there is very little the police can do for you now as this is a jointly owned home, however, your children rely on you to take charge. This means getting rid of any emotions you feel towards the situation. I understand this is easier said than done, but in order to survive this extremely distressing time, you must take the emotion out of everything.

I’ve gone completely no contact, I should have done it sooner than 3 weeks ago in hindsight, but I’ve done it.
It’s the lack of control over the situation. He’s not here, yet still controls everything. I can’t move/get rid of his things, he can come here whenever he wants, he doesn’t have to respond to solicitors or divorce petitions, he won’t pay maintenance. Nearly 10 months this has gone on, I just don’t understand why he won’t just sign the forms and speak to his solicitor. He clearly has lost interest in his own children, so let me move on