Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

You sound absolutely amazing! I feel really proud of you - despite not knowing you in the slightest other than from this thread! Well done... you have no idea who you could be giving inspiration and hope to xxx

'He has decided he would like to answer questions about his affair though, so I think that’s his plan."
If you let him come around to do this then you need your head looking at. Why would you do this?

I have just read the whole thread. I've been appalled by his behaviour. I've cried for you, been amazed by your early strength, been worried about the effect on your daughters, been angry at him, been sorry for you, been furious at him over and over, was finally pleased you took control and filed for divorce and glad you've cited adultery and now feel annoyed again. I know I have no right but I'm on a rollercoaster here and want the absolute best for you. If you ask him more questions about his affair it will just be like having salt rubbed into the wound. Do you really need any more answers about it?

Ffs, don't let him come round. You need to heal. You need to have as little contact with him as possible. There is no reason for you to phone each other. Don't have him in the house. He can pick the girls up and drop them off if they want to see each other. You need to decide once and for all what you really want and stick to it. Don't get sucked back into the drama.

@Idontwanttotalk. No, I don’t want to know. He’s told me when it started, and when it became ‘serious’ but I don’t want to know his definition of serious because that would kill me.
With regard seeing him, I’m in between a rock and a hard place because my solicitor tells me that I don’t have to facilitate contact at their ages BUT (and this is outing) I’ve had school report me to SS for emotional abuse because I won’t facilitate contact or allow him in his own home. Apparently you’re not allowed to cry in front of teenagers, its inappropriate to have them be aware of theirs dads affair, and it’s emotional abuse to make them message him directly because I’m ‘placing them in the middle’ of a grown up issue. So, it seems I can’t win either way. Of course, he isn’t being accused of anything, having an affair, dumping us with no money, never seeing them for more than 10 minutes a week and filming me breaking down is obviously within the bounds of reasonable parenting. SS didn’t open a case, they were surprised at this school, but nonetheless I’ve been very stressed about it, and I’m questioning my own parenting decisions now.

just sat and read your entire thread. how you've coped I do not know. you are an incredible woman and are doing phenomenally

@vraimentvraiment Medication and counselling mainly. I don’t have family nearby and his family haven’t been in touch. Ive a couple of good friends who listen to me, and who have helped me out at the beginning. I thought school would be supporting my children but it appears not, so I’m learning not to rely on anyone else. Ever. I’ve got 2 amazing girls who need me to be stronger than I’ve ever been before and it’s down to me to make sure they make it through this shit show he’s caused.
He’s a fool, he’s ruined his relationship with his daughters forever, even if they do see him later on, it will never be the same. They don’t have the dad they thought they had, they don’t have the grandad they thought they had and they don’t have the aunt and uncle they thought they had.

i guarentee that in a year you're going to be completely on your feet and he's going to regret this more than anything. you're so strong OP and the happier you are the angrier and upset he's going to come across but you're going to have the knowledge that you are in the right, the relationship with your daughters, keep up with what you're doing

Even after reading everything about his behaviour, I'm still gobsmacked that he thinks he can return at any point! What a monumental prick he really is!

I've read the whole thread and I am speechless. He's so conflicted? He hasn't loved you but still doesn't want a divorce or to sell the house? And before that he didn't want to be with ow, but he loved her and wanted you but couldn't tell her.

Sounds like he needs to make up his fucking mind and take ownership of the situation. I can never understand why the cheater gets angry, is it because you've ruined everything? Or because you've taken charge of things and they don't like it. I think he's so fucking pissed because you've taken the control from him. Saying to stop the sale, the solicitors, I don't ever think he had any intent on getting with ow he just wanted a bit on the side it if he ever did it was going to be on his terms.

I'm so sorry op, I don't have any advice other than to stay strong, you're doing wonderfully by sticking to your guns and by the sounds of things have two amazing young girls who are having a real rough time because of his shit.

In my opinion, he never planned on me finding out. It started out as a bit of fun, both married, but unfortunately (for him) the OW left her husband and plunged him into a situation he couldn’t control. He felt responsible for her marriage ending, and so continued with it. If he had loved her he would have moved in with her immediately rather than stay with his dad.
The ‘old’ me was dependent on him due to my health, and he thought I would never manage without him. He’s surprised by the ‘new’ me because although I’m obviously still ill I have the help of my girls, and if I’m struggling they will step up. I did crumble to start with, and I still struggle inside, but I’m stronger than either of us thought.
He genuinely thinks he can come home, that he would only have to say he loved me and the door would be open. I don’t know what’s happened to him, but he’s changed so much these last few months, he’s not someone I would choose to spend my life with.
I just wish I could push him into a financial settlement because it’s a cause of stress for all 3 of us but I’m stuck until reality kicks in for him

It's not a personal but someone close had been having an affair for years with a person, they had a wife too.

She decided to split, said she wasn't in love with husband and never had been but then told all family members that she'd met someone new and they were leaving their wife too. When it came to her moving out the ex husband paid for all their new housing, trying to help make her come back.

Month, she out of the blue denied all sorts of affair to family and went back on what she said, got back with husband (still lived in her new place) and went to councilling with him (whilst seeing this man in secret still). She eventually convinced him to leave his wife too (this ruined all relationships between him and his kids).

She rinsed ex completely.. She blamed him, blackmailed him, was pretty vile and it took him a long time to realise what she had done. She became abusive when he wanted to stop paying for the house they were both shacked up in.

To my point, she was so surprised that he came to that realisation what she was, that he pulled himself together, he told her to fuck off and he wasn't paying for her and her bf to live together. Been a few years but she's still genuinely surprised that he got over her leaving him and found someone else.

Sometimes people that arrogant think they're so invincible they'll never get caught, they're always needed and the person will always want them to be in their lives.

He underestimated you, he will never get to do that again. So much respect for what you've been through and done, he's a fool and he's done all this for nothing x

You are doing really well💐

How do I get him to send his financials to his solicitor so we can agree a settlement? He still hasn’t sent them, even though he has had everything for at least a month. I’ve filed for divorce, no paperwork has been sent out yet though due to a backlog.
He’s just come to take daughter to work and, although he knocked and waited, once he’s inside he walks around and makes himself at home (which I know legally it is, but it’s his house not his home). I can’t say anything because the girls will get upset and I’ve already been told by school? That I can’t say anything where they are.
I’m okay when I don’t see him but I struggle when I do. I need my own house where he can’t come in. He’s promised me the equity, but he won’t put it in writing. I know I’m stuck until the house sells, but I need to know we’re going to be okay

What about the bank account you found with money in? Can’t you start by providing that to your lawyer?

@Dumptyhumory101 I’ve given my solicitor all the details of that account but the money went into his sole account (transferred by him without my knowledge) and she’s asked him for statements but he’s not replying, nor giving her any other financial info.
He seems happy to pay the mortgage on a house he doesn’t live in, which means he can’t afford to move out of his dads. Why would you want to live in your dads spare room than have your own home? If we agreed on a settlement and sold the house he could get another mortgage or have enough funds to rent somewhere. I don’t have that choice.
Every time she chases his solicitor it costs me so I’ve been emailing his sol, but he still stalls. I just want my own home. He had an affair, so obviously he knew this could happen if I ever found out? I know I’m ‘lucky’ that he’s still paying the mortgage and I have a home to live in, but it destroys me every time I see him. I hate him for what he’s done, but I still love him and it kills me to have to see him

I’m still here, and still struggling with him and his behaviour. We’ve been ambling along, and I’ve been trying to be amicable, but he has a short fuse (this is a new thing, since he was caught cheating). Long story short, he caught me crying (privately in my bedroom) and asked me to stop. Of course I couldn’t, and then he told me if I didn’t stop he was going to lose his temper. So, temper lost, he threw around a few insults my way and stormed out. I was trying to lock the door behind him, he barged back in, and threw a few more insults at me and then left. I messaged him the next day saying he’s now not welcome to visit the house at Xmas. Cue a telephone call, telling me he’s going for 50/50 😂 stopping paying the mortgage so I get evicted and the girls will have to live with him (again 😂 because he lives in his dads spare room), and he is coming over Xmas day because it’s his house, and if I don’t like it I can piss off somewhere (he doesn’t care where) and he will inform me when he’s leaving and I can come back 😤
I’ve contacted the police and they’ve told me to lock the doors and keep keys in them. If he gets in through an unlocked door or window, it’s his home and he will be entitled to stay, if he breaks in and causes damage they can do him for criminal damage. So, we have to live like prisoners on Xmas day.
He still hasn’t returned the divorce papers, and I now have to pay to have him served. He still hasn’t given his financial details to his solicitor, even though he was asked 5 months ago to provide them.
If he stops paying the mortgage I am stuffed. I’m thinking about contacting the mortgage company and telling them of his threats, so that if he does stop paying, they’re already aware. Is this a good idea?
I don’t know what else I can do?

I really feel for you. I don’t know if you were financially dependent for the mortgage payment.

My ex did this a lot. Won’t pay the mortgage. I eventually got a court order to make him pay it. Even then still tried not to.

I did the following;

The house was going to be sold during the divorce. There was equity. So I knew that the bank wasn’t going to worry too much about getting their money back. So I felt better. I also made it clear to the bank that I would pay x amount if there was a problem with my ex paying.

This didn’t stop him being an arsehole but when he realised not paying the mortgage would affect his credit rating, and sundry other threats, he backed down.

If he really stops and he has the income then you can apply for maintenance pending suit from the court. Ask you solicitor.

Finally, I know it seems wretched but he is trying to punish you. Take control - you will feel better.

Also stop talking to him - that makes things escalate! Ignore

@Mylifestartstoday. How is everything? Did you have a good Christmas? Please let us know you are

@missymoo6. I’m not great. Got through Xmas and new year, glad it’s over. His behaviour is still unreasonable. He won’t sign the divorce forms so I have to send them to his solicitor (that’s the only free option) and that’s made him go crazy. Apparently I shouldn’t be contacting his solicitor, but from now on “if that’s how I want it, all correspondence will have to go through her”. That’s fine, it’ll be expensive for him, but if that’s what he wants...
I told him he wasn’t welcome in the house...which he ignored and came in and watched a video when he was dropping off (I was out). I hadn’t told the girls he wasn’t allowed in (because school accused me of involving them too much) but when I didn’t tell them, they didn’t think it was an issue him coming in. So I don’t know what I’m meant to do when he doesn’t respect my boundaries, but I’m not meant to tell my children the rules?
He doesn’t reply to messages yet expects to come in and make himself at home?
I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been really down to the point where it would be easier if I wasn’t here...

hi,
same thing happened to me, messages on his phone. He went ballistic and i chucked him out. He threatened me with all sorts in the first few days and said horrid things to me. My Mum said time will tell and she was right, i know you dont and will not have him back but things do get better, people start to calm down and think rationally. Take it one day at a time, my ex went to live with her and they lasted only months which gave me great satisfaction, when the excitement of having an affair wears off (which it will) he will regret everything.

@babybunny123. I’m now in month 6, his affair lasted around two weeks after I found out, he’s been living with his dads ever since. It doesn’t seem to be getting better, it’s getting worse. He appears to be more ‘head in the sand/up his arse’ than ever. It’s still all my fault, I chucked him out, I filed for divorce, all my fault. He has no home, my fault.
He was never going to leave, but he’d obviously told her he was because once I threw him out she obviously was pressuring him to move in but he wouldn’t so I think that’s why it ended.
He won’t talk, he won’t engage but if I do something (like filing) he goes ballistic. It’s like he thinks he needs to sort himself out and he needs to decide whether he wants to come home...and I have no say? I don’t know, I just don’t know.

His usual mantra is “I’m trying to sort stuff out” but won’t elaborate on what that is. In the meantime I’m stuck in a house I never wanted (he did), children who are starting to blame me (because I’ve started to impose boundaries, which means they don’t see him as much) and dogs who I struggle to walk due to ill health.
I get accused of with holding access, no matter how many times I tell him he needs to facilitate that himself due to their ages, it’s much easier to blame me than take accountability.
I’m so, so mentally exhausted, I wish he would think rationally but after 6 months I think he’s so entrenched in thinking its everyone else’s fault I don’t think he will ever return to the person I knew

I've read the whole thread and I am so very sorry what fresh hell you've gone through as well as your children. Idk British law but eventually he will have to disclose whatever he's refusing-honestly think he's afraid of some financial matters coming to light hence the entrenchment. Are you receiving benefits or child maintenance? I've never met the bastard but I hope he gets both leg cramps and diarrhea at the same time!

He’s paying the mortgage, so I don’t get any maintenance (because myself and children can eat the house 😂). I’m grateful he’s paying the mortgage but it doesn’t help us eat. I have had to claim benefits (I have a chronic health condition which makes it difficult to work) but I’m trying to find a job that fits around school and which will make allowances for my health 🦄
He seems to be of the opinion (because he’s watched an episode of benefits street or something) that I’m rolling in cash. All he pays is the mortgage, I’ve taken on everything else, everything.
My counsellor feels so sorry for me she’s reduced my fee massively, in fact if she continues she’ll have to pay me to sit there!

I’m at breaking point. I don’t know if he should still pay maintenance. I don’t know how I can get him to submit financials (I thought filing for divorce would do it, but he’s just ignoring that too)
I’ve had the eldest counsellor on the phone to give me an update, and I just feel it’s a mother bashing. Don’t cry, don’t show any emotion, but don’t lock yourself away in the bedroom if you’re feeling overwhelmed because they will feel unwanted, don’t speak to their dad but don’t let them organise themselves and put themselves in the middle 🤷‍♀️
My counsellor tells me it’s healthy to show them I’m upset (not hysterical, but tell them I’m having a bad day and to remove myself to my room) DD counsellor tells me not to, as she will feel abandoned.
He swans in and sees them 1 day a week, bought them expensive presents, doesn’t get any ‘feedback’ on his parenting/lack of.
I just feel like I’m everyone’s whipping boy

I was just thinking of you today op and was hoping for a positive update so sorry to read things are still tough for you and he still isn’t cooperating

I've only just read your thread and just wanted to add some practical advice as I've been exactly where you are my dear. It's the most difficult thing in the world to be treated like this and will have a long term negative effect on your health if you carry on. I'm living proof of that and I'd hate for you to be the same.
Please get in touch with CMS and get them to sort child maintenance. You may just be surprised at how much he has to pay.
It will probably cover your mortgage payments. Plus it protects you and your daughters as when the house is sold he will still have to pay.
Child maintenance payments are ignored by the benefits system so won't affect your benefit entitlement.
As for getting him to declare his finances, the Court's take a very dim view of people not complying and will hold him in contempt of court if he doesn't. This would definitely scare him into providing them. My exh threatened me with all sorts but crumbled when he realised he couldn't delay and hoodwink the Court's.
You need to let these agencies do this instead of you asking him. He may think he can control you but he can't control them.
Please look after and be kind to yourself.