Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

I need to file for divorce but I’m not emotionally ready (and can’t afford the £500 my solicitor quoted). I want to divorce for adultery but apparently it’s frowned upon to name the other party. I’ve got 6 months to divorce for adultery

Your attorney will likely have an option to be paid from the financial settlement once the divorce is complete, for a small additional fee. It’s called a Sear’s Tooth Arrangement. You can file for divorce with Adultery as the cause, and carry no obligation to name the person he cheated with. I know it must be tempting to make everyone know what he did, but ultimately it was HIS adultery that was at fault for the end of your marriage, not her behaviour.

Let us know how your appointment goes today, I hope school is going well for your daughters now term has begun.

Filing for divorce is £550.
If you have a low income you may be exempt from some or all of the fee.

Your solicitor may charge extra to do it for you.

He is acting the role of the classic victim. My friends ex h was exactly like this "you were so awful that it made me have an affair and now the children hate me and it's all your fault". The lack of accountability and insight is astounding.

@SortingItOut. I think I may be eligible for help, seeing as he left me to go on benefits. I’ve applied, I’ll see what happens.
I keep saying I’m filing for divorce, this is the first time I’ve actually done something about it, and it feels good (good isn’t the right word, I suppose I mean in control)
He has made a counselling appointment through works healthcare, a telephone one. He doesn’t like the counsellor we saw yesterday, I knew he was going to say that because he was asked some difficult questions last night, and had to be asked not to interrupt me a few times.

My children are pleased that I’ve started looking into a divorce, because we just keep going round in circles, like three little hamsters on a wheel.

@Techway. That’s exactly how it was last night. I saw my counsellor today and said I’m sick of being blamed for everything, and she helped me see that only I could change things. Instead of letting the arrows he’s throwing hit me, I need to be proactive and move out of the way. I need to take control back, like I did at the beginning, and not get sucked back into his sad life. It’s of his own making, and I’m not responsible, he may believe I am but that doesn’t make it true.
I’m still in shock I think, I keep hoping that will subside, but it’s hanging on in there. I don’t think I’ll ever get over what he’s done, but I need to try and move on. Not to meet anyone else or anything, I just need some security for me and the girls

I’m 51, and see life ahead of me as being on my own once the girls have left. I ‘now that’s really negative, but that’s how I feel

My love, I can't advise you and can't imagine how hard this must be.
The point above though, is how many married women feel because a man is no substitute for your dc, even if a loving father.

Maybe, you can cross this off your list as you may have felt like this anyway.

Start by making plans with DC. Maybe just small ones like your celebration dinner, but don’t include him.
Your new life starts today without him being considered.

He’s taken the youngest out (she said she would only see him if he ended his relationship with the OW, which he did a couple of weeks after I found out) she doesn’t want to go, but she made that promise so she’s standing by it.
The eldest is out with a friend, so it’s hard on my own.
I hate him but love him at the same time. It’s getting harder, not easier, I think realising this is my life now is hard.
He came into the house the other day for some reason, then I went into the kitchen later and realised some of the food in there (that we didn’t like) had gone. Now, we don’t eat it, and it’s better than being thrown away, but it pissed me off that he thought it was okay to just take it. He might own half the house, but as far as I’m concerned it isn’t his home anymore. When I told him that wasn’t acceptable to me, he went into an enormous strop and so any civility we had is now gone.
His dad sent some biscuits over(?) which I gave him back. The girls need a family, not a couple of packets of chocolate biscuits. I can buy biscuits, I can’t buy a grandad. Again, due loads of eye rolls about how unreasonable I am

This is the kind of thing that makes some sessions of joint counseling important. Not to bring back your old relationship, because he blew that out of the water. But for a new relationship, shared parenting, going forward. It would be easier to set new, fair boundaries and rules (such as asking instead of helping himself) in place with an impartial person to guide that process.

Thank you for continuing to update. 💙

He’s got me trapped. He won’t reduce the price of the house so it won’t sell. He says he will continue to pay the mortgage for as long as we live here, but just ignores me when I say we don’t want to stay here, we want to move and make a new start.
He still hasn’t given his financial info to his solicitor to swap with mine, I can’t afford for mine to keep chasing (which he knows)
He’s had a telephone counselling session through work and reckons he was told he had to just think of himself and no one else, and take his time to make his decision (but he wouldn’t say what he thought his options were, because of he thinks an option is reconciling he’s in for a shock). He hasn’t got to think of anyone else, apparently he’s ‘struggling to process things’.
So, it looks like we’re stuck in a house we don’t want to be in (I know I’m fortunate in having somewhere to live).
He ignores messages about finances so I’m stuck until he decides to act like a functioning adult, so I’m painting the house to tidy it up for when we do get viewings.

You're doing something positive to move forward in spite of him. You can wait him out and the improvements will help your house sell when he sees sense. Good for you!

This happened to my next door neighbour, although the wife wouldn’t sell in that case. The husband eventually obtained a court order to sell the house.

If you are stuck there, can you change the furniture? Move it around, put a different coloured slip cover on the sofa, change your duvet covers, paint the bathroom a different colour and update towels, etc. Have the girls help you choose.

I’ve filed for divorce! It was a big step, but he won’t talk or be held accountable for his actions, so I thought why put it off.
I rang him to warn him, he threw it back on me again saying “if that’s what you want”. I just bit my tongue, no point at this stage in saying that actually what I wanted was a faithful husband. He’s been having counselling, and I think he was expecting me to wait until he’d made a decision on what he wants, and then I would just fall into line. The thing is, while he’s been having counselling to decide whether he wants me, I’ve been having counselling to help me move on.
Now, we will see if what he says about finances is what he will really do. I suppose I’ve forced his hand, the next few weeks will be interesting.
I’ve been keeping busy by tidying up the walls and woodwork for if we ever do get a viewing, doing a massive de clutter with loads going to the charity shop, because whatever we do with the house I can’t stand having too much stuff (he was a hoarder and very messy). If we do manage to move the house will be much smaller than this, not that this is big, but we may have to go into a 2 bedroom. The girls are fine with sharing, one of them has a Pinterest board already. Even if we can afford a 3 bed shared ownership, they say they’ll share as the 3rd bedroom is always tiny, and they’ll have the small room as wardrobes/study/chill out area. It’s good that they’re looking forwards, it really helps me to be positive.

I think its good that you've taken control. Well done. I've been thinking of you. My friend's husband has just left after 30 yrs of marriage and her world has been torn apart. There turns out to be another woman, but we're still at the "nothing has happened yet" lie.

Well done op

He’s gone mental about filing for a divorce. “If that’s what you want” is all he can parrot to me, as though this is all my fault. He wasn’t unhappy, I made him unhappy that’s why he had an affair. And I keep on and on at him wanting details about it, and it’s just annoying because it’s in the past!
Yet again, I’m the bad guy. I had to ask him to leave because my girls were here and I didn’t want them to hear him kicking off again. He corrected me and said they were his girls too, I told him he needed to start acting like a dad or they wouldn’t be his for much longer.
So, he stormed off and waited in the car to take the eldest to work. Then 10 minutes later I get a text asking if me and the youngest wanted to meet up for a drink?!

Well done. Massive step forward.

God , I'm awake due to chronic illness problems myself and spent the last hour reading your life since July . You are truly an incredible woman . When we live with chronic illness it makes us feel like no part of life is under our control , but the steely way you are handling this with determination is really commendable . I know you are having awful ups and downs but you are truly amazing and being a great example to your girls of what not to put up with . You will build a new happy life , free from his mood swings and weirdly contradictive way he tries to control you and mess with your head . You are amazing

Hi. I'm new here, I've been following your thread. Your strength is amazing and I wish you and your girls all the best.

Just wanted to offer some advice though,

It's obviously not doing you or the girls any good having him just coming back and forth the house. If the girls want to see him fine, but arrange for someone impartial to drop them off and pick them up. Don't have him in the house, if he's legally allowed then report him to the police every time he turns up and abuses you to try get evidence as reason to keep him away.

Seeing you both at each other will destroy those girls.

I acted as a drop off for my brother and his partner when they split. Kids well being improved greatly.

No contact other than through solicitors or csa.

Every time you see him it will eat away at you. Give yourself time to heal.

Concentrate on you and the girls.

I've never read such disgusting behaviour from a man. You've had a lucky escape

@cutebutscary. Thank you so much for your comments. You wouldn’t say that if you saw me last night or this morning, not a pretty sight!
I’m just sick of him saying he will look after us, then not following through with his solicitor. It’s like he’s biding his time (for what I don’t know). I don’t have time, his affair went on for 12/18 months, depending upon what day you ask him, not a fling. I think he’s spent a large amount of money on her. We moved here in January 2017 and the affair must have started April 2018. We had the proceeds of our previous home, and I’ve found he moved it to a sole account and it’s gone. I’m talking £60/70k. Some went on the house, but no way all of it has. I think there’s around £25k unaccounted for. And he’s forced me on benefits, too ill to work, and I’m broke

@Mylifestartstoday . Wow what a devious calculating bastard . He had so much disregard for you and your ability to do ANYTHING about it should you find out that he went ahead. I've no doubt he is shocked at your grit and never ever thought it would backfire as spectacularly as it has . He is dragging it out in the hopes that you will have a bad spell with your health and cave in ( speak from some experience tho nothing anywhere near as awful as yours ) and let him home . It's devastating he's spent your joint money on her and I'm sorry I have no advice on those aspects but many folk on here have a great deal of legal knowledge and may know if he can be held accountable for your half of it . God . Keep going . You are like a warrior legend ! So many of us in the same
position would have given in - you are stronger than you know xxx

@Bluefox467. I’ve emailed his solicitor so she can advise him he’s not welcome at the house, and that my enabling him to see the youngest isn’t happening anymore so if he wants to see her he needs to actually make the effort and arrange it himself. If he does, I doubt she will go after yesterday.
I’ve already phoned the police before for advice when he was really aggressive, so I’ll follow through on their advice if he does it again.
I’m struggling to get my head around how much he has changed. He was the perfect husband, perfect dad and now he speaks to me like shit and doesn’t bother with the girls. I just can’t fathom how someone can change so much in a relatively short time. I know he has had longer to process what he’s done than us, but he’s had a personality transplant since he was caught. It’s like he blames me for catching him, rather than him doing something wrong.
How is it easier to have an affair rather than speak to your wife about not being happy? As to him wanting to come home, he doesn’t. He is speaking to a counsellor to sort his head out, apparently he makes a decision and then I upset him by asking difficult questions. I take that to mean, he decides he wants to come home and then I ask questions. I’m sure he thinks if he decides to, he can come back? Not happening.

How are things going @Mylifestartstoday hope that you are ok !

I’m not great. The enormity of what he done is just hitting home I think, and the way he’s behaving (as though he is blameless) is killing me.