Hi all,
I made this thread yesterday but for some reason it didn’t post but it’s taken me a lot of courage to actually put this out there, even anonymously. I have NC’d but I’m a long-term poster.
Bit of background:
-Together for four years, married for two
-Have 2DC, 2yo and 8wks
When DH and I got together, it was great. He was so caring, considerate, loving etc. When DC1 was born, he was very ‘hands-on’ and did his ‘fair share’. I combined fed and so he did about half the feeds/nappies etc and was generally very good.
About a year ago, maybe a bit more, things changed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what ‘triggered’ it but it was quite sudden. He was still quite caring and a good dad but something changed. All of a sudden, he left his job on the day, didn’t go in/call, despite me pleading not to until he found another one. I ended up having to tell his manager as I kept getting calls and I felt awful. As a result, we lost the place we were renting as we simply couldn’t afford to rent anymore without his wage (I was a STAHM). We had to move in with PIL.
He increasingly became less caring/loving to me and always tries to ‘one-up’ on me, like he wanted to have a higher score, eg if he changed DC1’s nappy, I’d have to feed her or if he went to the shops to get food/top-up, I’d have to do the housework etc. It’s not a split of domestic work, I don’t know how to describe it well but he wants to have some sort of ‘well I did this so you have to do this’.
He’s had little regard for my physical state since DC2 was born, expecting me to be able to carry DC1 on the day DC2 was born, carry heavy shopping very soon after because ‘you’re fine’.
Last year I promised that we wouldn’t have to visit my extended family this year (they don’t get on, I don’t have any close blood relatives so it’s not a case of both close and extended family, it’s just extended) but circumstances have changed since DC2 was born so I agreed we’d go to see them. DH was raging. They pay for travel (very kindly, they’re very well off) so it’s not a financial issue, he just doesn’t want to go. He’s said we can go but I have to do everything he asks eg if he wants a coffee, make him a coffee, I can’t have a bath because I take too long, I can’t take DC’s out unless he agrees. The worst part is DC2 is a terrible sleeper and DH keeps making me stay up until about 1am even though I’m exhausted. He’s refused to do anything really this time; every nappy/bottle/feed (combine feeding again), bath etc I have to do. He just refuses. He refuses to work again so I have to return to work in a few weeks which I’m dreading as I don’t want to leave DC2 so early and I’m worried my milk will dry up (he only has one bottle at night, rest is me). He also refuses to move out of PIL’s house. He claims we’re saving money (we’re not, we’re giving them the same as our rent before now I’m having an income) and I have to do all of the housework, DH will tidy the communal living room up but that’s it. I have to do the rest.
Typing all that, it seems such a ridiculous situation but it’s only recently since the travelling part and how he’s reacted that I’m thinking it’s not normal. I loved the way he was so much before and I just want him back. He wanted another child so it wasn’t that that made him like this. Is there any way we’ll be able to get back to how it was? Can he change? Or am I crazy for either thinking that? I’m not making this up either although it seems bizarre, I just haven’t got anyone else I can ask in real life. Has anyone else been able to work things out in a similar situation and get their old partner back? Could it be a mental health thing that we could get help for? TIA