Can I get DH back to how he was before or do I accept that I can’t?

[BouncyChairs]

Hi all,

I made this thread yesterday but for some reason it didn’t post but it’s taken me a lot of courage to actually put this out there, even anonymously. I have NC’d but I’m a long-term poster.

Bit of background:

-Together for four years, married for two
-Have 2DC, 2yo and 8wks

When DH and I got together, it was great. He was so caring, considerate, loving etc. When DC1 was born, he was very ‘hands-on’ and did his ‘fair share’. I combined fed and so he did about half the feeds/nappies etc and was generally very good.

About a year ago, maybe a bit more, things changed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what ‘triggered’ it but it was quite sudden. He was still quite caring and a good dad but something changed. All of a sudden, he left his job on the day, didn’t go in/call, despite me pleading not to until he found another one. I ended up having to tell his manager as I kept getting calls and I felt awful. As a result, we lost the place we were renting as we simply couldn’t afford to rent anymore without his wage (I was a STAHM). We had to move in with PIL.

He increasingly became less caring/loving to me and always tries to ‘one-up’ on me, like he wanted to have a higher score, eg if he changed DC1’s nappy, I’d have to feed her or if he went to the shops to get food/top-up, I’d have to do the housework etc. It’s not a split of domestic work, I don’t know how to describe it well but he wants to have some sort of ‘well I did this so you have to do this’.

He’s had little regard for my physical state since DC2 was born, expecting me to be able to carry DC1 on the day DC2 was born, carry heavy shopping very soon after because ‘you’re fine’.

Last year I promised that we wouldn’t have to visit my extended family this year (they don’t get on, I don’t have any close blood relatives so it’s not a case of both close and extended family, it’s just extended) but circumstances have changed since DC2 was born so I agreed we’d go to see them. DH was raging. They pay for travel (very kindly, they’re very well off) so it’s not a financial issue, he just doesn’t want to go. He’s said we can go but I have to do everything he asks eg if he wants a coffee, make him a coffee, I can’t have a bath because I take too long, I can’t take DC’s out unless he agrees. The worst part is DC2 is a terrible sleeper and DH keeps making me stay up until about 1am even though I’m exhausted. He’s refused to do anything really this time; every nappy/bottle/feed (combine feeding again), bath etc I have to do. He just refuses. He refuses to work again so I have to return to work in a few weeks which I’m dreading as I don’t want to leave DC2 so early and I’m worried my milk will dry up (he only has one bottle at night, rest is me). He also refuses to move out of PIL’s house. He claims we’re saving money (we’re not, we’re giving them the same as our rent before now I’m having an income) and I have to do all of the housework, DH will tidy the communal living room up but that’s it. I have to do the rest.

Typing all that, it seems such a ridiculous situation but it’s only recently since the travelling part and how he’s reacted that I’m thinking it’s not normal. I loved the way he was so much before and I just want him back. He wanted another child so it wasn’t that that made him like this. Is there any way we’ll be able to get back to how it was? Can he change? Or am I crazy for either thinking that? I’m not making this up either although it seems bizarre, I just haven’t got anyone else I can ask in real life. Has anyone else been able to work things out in a similar situation and get their old partner back? Could it be a mental health thing that we could get help for? TIA

Bouncy - I really think you should phone Women's Aid. This situation is untenable. You owe it to your DCs and yourself to get out of this situation.

I agree with others - he has changed, but hes changed to who he really is. He was lovebombing you at the start to lure you in.

I'm so sorry. You sound lovely. And you're so young. So much time to start over without this guy controlling you.

""his mum sometimes says something but only really in passing and stops when he gets annoyed."" His mum is scared of him too. That should tell you something.
Also.. I bet he didn't suddenly leave his job of his own accord. I bet if you spoke to his employers - who you know - you might find the situation was that he was asked to leave - because of behaviour he's currently displaying with you.
He has blackmailed you - threatening to tell damaging secrets about your family if you leave... What are you waiting for.
Get a taxi to the airport if necess and take you and your kids to your relatives and get some help. Speak to women's aid - you don't have to go there but I bet the have advice. The fact is you are the one with a job, you are more independent than you realise. Please take steps to protect yourself.

He took it out for the in-between part of him quitting and me getting a job- again, not a lot when you live in the country.

*parenting

I know you say too many people will get hurt if you leave but you and your children will be hurt if you stay.

You (everyone) needs a bank account in their own name with wages going in to build a credit rating. That is a bona fide reason to change the set up, CB goes into it and wages then you transfer money to him.

Ask about the bills how much goes out and for what etc "so you can transfer enough"

You need CB in your name, is it?

I've read all your posts, op. You're describing classic domestic violence, regardless of the fact he's never physically hurt you. It's coercive control and is a crime. I mention that not to suggest you call the police (although you have that option), but to reinforce that it is very serious and totally unacceptable even if he's not turned physical (yet).

And this is what keeps so many women trapped:

Why am I still with him? I suppose for hope that he'll be able to 'fix' whatever's wrong and go back to how he was before because I still love him an awful lot, but I don't love how he's treating me.

Abusers are not monsters, and they all start off charming and wonderful. As they become more confident that you're trapped and can't leave or won't leave, they escalate the abuse. Pregnancy, marriage, and previously having threatened to leave and then returned/not left are all trigger points for abuse to escalate.

Women cling onto the idea of the man they met originally and all the future hopes they had with that man, and become even more deeply trapped in the cycle of abuse trying to comply with the control enough to get the original version of him back.

Except he never existed. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

Abuse is about power and control. His behaviour is about exerting those over you, for instance in the observation his mum made. He either threatens you, manipulates you, or badgers you until you just do what he wants. Or he does none of those things and you do what he wants because you hope if you do exactly what he wants you'll get the nice version of him back.

As for why he cried when you talked about leaving... Why did he do that? To stop you. And it worked, didn't it?

You will never be able to be perfect enough, compliant enough, to get that back. You will destroy yourself trying.

You don't need to up and leave today, you don't even need to decide to leave today. But allowing yourself to begin contemplating it in the back of your mind will help you feel ready enough to find the means. Because you will be able to find a way to do it once you're ready.

I appreciate this is really upsetting and pretty confusing. If you can, I'd highly recommend doing the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's information, not therapy. They won't tell you what to do, won't tell you to leave him, and won't judge you. They won't even ask you to talk about yourself, you can just listen. If you can't go to a group (the 12 week course is free and confidential) you can do the online version for £10. The groups are supportive and friendly if that is an option for you.

They can teach you about the dynamics of abuse, the impact it has had on you, the impact it has had and will have on your children, how you'll all heal after leaving, and perhaps most importantly it teaches about early warning signs of abuse and what healthy relationships look like (and I'm sorry, but they are nothing like this).

You deserve better than to be living like this. Somebody who loved you and respected you would not be treating you this way.

I genuinely have spoken to his manager before as she and I used to be friends and she said it was unexpected and had no idea that he'd do it and didn't know why.

I don't know why people are saying go to family it's nice that it's an option for some but it's not for me. Plus, if he told them the secrets then it'd be even worse.

@Inniu maybe but I still haven't got the option of family.

CB goes into my account, yes.

Hi Bouncy - sorry your in this situation. He is being abusive -=what would happen if you went to be and didn’t need his “permission”
What would happen if you told him “NO” - I think your scared of him - your treading on eggshells. He is abusive - the charming ones usually are.
What is he doing all day?
Is he looking for a job?
Look - when your children get older and he starts telling what you can and can’t do and they understand this - what message are you giving them.
What is he tells you to stand in one spot for an hour? Will you do it?
Your mil has told you who he is - you need to stand up to him when they are around. If he gets aggressive they can call the police.
He’s bullying you and it’s disgusting. Who would do that to someone they loved.
These men all cry when you say your going, they are pathetic bullies.
I understand your past and current fears of being alone or feelings of abandonment come up or trauma bonding -
Can you access any form of counselling-
I’d really be wary of moving into a seperate property alone with him - he will escalate his abusive- are the details on the council list in your name? He may want to jepodise a move.
I’d start by keep reading the threads on abuse, getting the book Why does he do that - I think it’s a free download - contact women’s aid - let others know ie GP (mother in law if she’s safe) but don’t say you want to leave yet - abuse thrives on secrecy.
He could escalate and he could get physical. Maybe not whilst your at his mothers house.
Who cares really what’s happened to him - he should not treat you like this. 🌺

Also: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Women's Aid are also there if you want to talk through anything, whether making sense of his treatment of you or practical advice: 0808 2000 247

And yes, it is serious enough for you to call Women's Aid if you want support/advice.

This is why refuges exist you can go there with the DC and they will help you get houses etc.

NRFT but the leaving work without having anything to go to is odd - do you think he could have been either seeing someone there or had the opportunity, decided to leave to stop temptation and is now taking it all out on you? Just doesn't add up when he must have known your home at the time was at risk etc

MIL knows most of the general things and I get the response of some excuse about how it's not easy having two young children 'but he really does love you, Bouncy, anyone can see it'.

I know it's really shit not having family to go to, especially when others do. But that doesn't mean finding a way out is impossible.

Let organisations like Women's Aid, Freedom Programme, any local charities, your council, etc help you to figure out a different plan.

For instance, my council had a dedicated team to support people suffering domestic abuse and to help them stay safe and to leave. But I didn't know that until I was referred by another service I'd asked for help from. The first place you ask might need to refer you on, but it's a step forwards.

There are lots of people out there who will want to help you, but first you have to ask and be clear you're suffering domestic abuse. Don't minimise it or hide it when you ask for help. Tell them. It's not making a fuss, it's enabling them to help you by giving them relevant information.

But if I went to a refugee with DC, how will that affect their relationship with him? Because I don't think I'd want him to stop seeing them?

MIL is making apologies for her son and gaslighting you.

@Mary1935 that's true re charming, because he is very charming to people. Why is that? How can people have the ability to do that but then be so different behind closed doors?

I’m really struggling with this post because every single piece of (good) advice is being dismissed by the OP. You don’t want to leave him, you don’t want to be in your own, you don’t want to/can’t go to family or a refuge, you don’t want to leave your area.
I’m not sure why you posted. You know his behaviour is abnormal, however you are clearly not ready to address it.
There is a reason why no one has said to you ‘this happened to me and now he’s back to being a good guy’. There’s no magic wand for this situation just hard choices and brave moves.
I’m not sure what it will take for you to realise the solution. 1000 people here can tell you this man is no good, but only you will be able to see that, when you are ready.

@Millie2018 you're right, I can't deny it, because I don't want it to be this way. I've just had no stability in my life and clung to this for some and praying that it'll be okay. I can't apologise for the excuses because they're true mostly; I don't have a family and I don't want to be alone. I can't even sleep in the house without another adult in. It's not because I'm pathetic but because I have deep issues and I thought he'd be able to help me, like he said he would.

@BouncyChairs Is your DC2 not the sex he wanted ? I just wondered if he wanted a boy and you had another girl or something ?

Sounds very strange about this change of everything after being ill with an infection. Was it really serious ? My DH had a episode when out running, which spiralled into an a full blown anxiety fuelled health scare. He took loads of time off work and had so many tests and had a completely clean bill of health, but he changed after that day and still 2 years later doesn't believe he is really ok. He has a massive anxiety that he is going to die, particularly when driving, although he has never had an accidents when driving. It's very sad. Anyway this maybe the cause for your DH too, but his treatment of you is not a nice way to live. I don't have any answers. To leave seems hard, but to stay seems a sad way to live your life. Believe me you can make a lovely life anywhere and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

@blatantchanger no, it was the sex he wanted.

Wasn't a serious infection, he had gastroenteritis and then a chest infection (pretty mild).
Thank you for your post.

I thought he'd be able to help me, like he said he would

But he was never going to be able to. That was a lie, even if it was one he was telling himself too. You can't go back to how he was, because this IS how he was - he just had a different coat on to impress you and lure you in.

You sound like a very loving mother who wants the best for her children, who wants them to grow up up without deep issues like you've had to. For their sake, you have to get out. What lessons are they learning every day they stay with an abusive father and a mother who accepts this state and hopes for the best? You are in a decent position, you have a job and can get free before your children learn the same patterns. Please please call women's aid.

My dear, you've built a wall of 'I can't' around yourself. If you review your responses I think you'll see that most, if not all, of your reasons really aren't valid. Some of your reasons may make a bit of sense to you (not wanting him to 'spill your beans', lack of rentals in a place you're attached to, etc) but in the long run he is destroying you. You'll have your secrets, you'll be living where you like, but you will be so beaten down into the ground that that life you think you want will mean nothing to you because you won't be able to enjoy it.

Can I suggest, please, that you start this whole process by seeking counseling? I think if you start working on yourself you'll be able to begin the processes to untangle yourself from him.