Can I get DH back to how he was before or do I accept that I can’t?

[BouncyChairs]

Hi all,

I made this thread yesterday but for some reason it didn’t post but it’s taken me a lot of courage to actually put this out there, even anonymously. I have NC’d but I’m a long-term poster.

Bit of background:

-Together for four years, married for two
-Have 2DC, 2yo and 8wks

When DH and I got together, it was great. He was so caring, considerate, loving etc. When DC1 was born, he was very ‘hands-on’ and did his ‘fair share’. I combined fed and so he did about half the feeds/nappies etc and was generally very good.

About a year ago, maybe a bit more, things changed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what ‘triggered’ it but it was quite sudden. He was still quite caring and a good dad but something changed. All of a sudden, he left his job on the day, didn’t go in/call, despite me pleading not to until he found another one. I ended up having to tell his manager as I kept getting calls and I felt awful. As a result, we lost the place we were renting as we simply couldn’t afford to rent anymore without his wage (I was a STAHM). We had to move in with PIL.

He increasingly became less caring/loving to me and always tries to ‘one-up’ on me, like he wanted to have a higher score, eg if he changed DC1’s nappy, I’d have to feed her or if he went to the shops to get food/top-up, I’d have to do the housework etc. It’s not a split of domestic work, I don’t know how to describe it well but he wants to have some sort of ‘well I did this so you have to do this’.

He’s had little regard for my physical state since DC2 was born, expecting me to be able to carry DC1 on the day DC2 was born, carry heavy shopping very soon after because ‘you’re fine’.

Last year I promised that we wouldn’t have to visit my extended family this year (they don’t get on, I don’t have any close blood relatives so it’s not a case of both close and extended family, it’s just extended) but circumstances have changed since DC2 was born so I agreed we’d go to see them. DH was raging. They pay for travel (very kindly, they’re very well off) so it’s not a financial issue, he just doesn’t want to go. He’s said we can go but I have to do everything he asks eg if he wants a coffee, make him a coffee, I can’t have a bath because I take too long, I can’t take DC’s out unless he agrees. The worst part is DC2 is a terrible sleeper and DH keeps making me stay up until about 1am even though I’m exhausted. He’s refused to do anything really this time; every nappy/bottle/feed (combine feeding again), bath etc I have to do. He just refuses. He refuses to work again so I have to return to work in a few weeks which I’m dreading as I don’t want to leave DC2 so early and I’m worried my milk will dry up (he only has one bottle at night, rest is me). He also refuses to move out of PIL’s house. He claims we’re saving money (we’re not, we’re giving them the same as our rent before now I’m having an income) and I have to do all of the housework, DH will tidy the communal living room up but that’s it. I have to do the rest.

Typing all that, it seems such a ridiculous situation but it’s only recently since the travelling part and how he’s reacted that I’m thinking it’s not normal. I loved the way he was so much before and I just want him back. He wanted another child so it wasn’t that that made him like this. Is there any way we’ll be able to get back to how it was? Can he change? Or am I crazy for either thinking that? I’m not making this up either although it seems bizarre, I just haven’t got anyone else I can ask in real life. Has anyone else been able to work things out in a similar situation and get their old partner back? Could it be a mental health thing that we could get help for? TIA

Bouncy, you wanted people to say your h is unwell and a doctor can help. No one has as he isn't unwell he's abusive, evil, cruel and pathetic.

What do you want now?

I understand your fear. I have no family. Married for nearly 20 years and a stay at home mum for 19 of those. I feel I have no one and if I wanted to leave I wouldn't know where to start but on here there are hundreds of people who will listen, help and support you. Your children deserve better. Surely you know that.

In the first instance, is it possible to speak to your health visitor, seeing as how your baby is still so young?
You are already very isolated and that is the way abuse works.

What would I say to HV?

Please, Bouncy, please get out!

Something horrendous happened just before our first wedding anniversary and he was never the same again, but he was never like you are describing your H. Never!

this is not mental illness - or if it is, it is not something that he will go and see the GP about because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. He likes hurting you. It makes him feel strong and powerful. He is eroding your sense of self. Even the fact that you say you can't leave in reply to everyone is because of what he has done and is doing to you.

Please, contact your extended family. Perhaps they will help you settle near them. Perhaps they might lend you some money to help you get out. Do not worry about your secrets - that he would even threaten to tell others should tell you all you need to know about him. He is despicable! He does not love you and you love the person you thought he was.

You have to get out before he starts the same tactics on your DC and as others have said, you cannot let him become the primary carer because then he will never let you have your DC back. Please, phone Women's Aid. Tell me where you live and if its near, (I'm in Scotland) I shall come and collect you myself. Let him worry about the bills and get the money into your own account. You must get out! You have your whole life ahead of you - do you want to live like this for 60 years or so?

Tell your HV what you've told us.

@LittleCandle that's so kind but I really doubt I'd be near you- it's right out in nowhere. Thank you so much though. Can I ask what happened with your DH & did it end everything?

What do I do about work then?

Bouncy - without being too outing - what type of work do you do?

He's a total prick. He won't change.

Its rather outing what happened, but it was an horrific incident that made international headlines. H was nearby when it happened. He had to remain there for several weeks doing an extremely unpleasant job. It didn't end everything. What ended the marriage 22 years later was that he couldn't keep it in his pants. But he was a different man and that first year after what happened was dreadful. He spent a lot of time keeping busy doing meaningless things and that was when the drinking started.

If you are on maternity leave, you don't need to do anything about your work right now. If you have said you will return soon, then ring them and discuss it with your manager and tell them the truth about what is happening. If you have to go back, do as few hours as you possibly can. You will get help from tax credits and child tax credits and they will pay for your childcare. It is not easy, but being a single parent will be much easier than dealing with someone who only has one aim in life - to make you into his scapegoat.

The man you married never existed I'm afraid. It was smoke and mirrors. He's showing you who he is now.
4 years is a very short amount of time to know someone, get married and have a family. I'm not saying it can't be done but I suspect he was on his best behaviour in the early days and this is who he really is.

It's definitely abusive. I know it's hard to hear but the sooner you accept the man you married isn't the person you thought he was the sooner you will gain the strength to remove yourself from such a toxic situation.

What would I do with his relationship with DC?

Why do you keep trying to find reasons to stay.

Tell your HV exactly what you posted here about his behaviour.

His relationship with the DCs in future is likely to be better (as is yours) if they are not living in a home where he is abusing their mum.

When he just upped and left his job causing you to lose your home, how did that not freak you out to the point of realizing that something was horrifically wrong?? And then you had another child without dealing with that problem?
Anyway he is clearly abusive and you need to take your rose tinted glasses off and see the situation for what it us. He is cruel. You wont change him. You and your DC need to leave .

I've dated someone with all those abusjve tactics, including going on my phone, blackmailing me with secrets, using my mental health to get SS to take the kids etc.

When he was done with the emotional and financial abuse and the gaslighting and the blackmail then came the outright threats and bullying and then finally the physical violence and sexual violence. And those things he'd threatened to tell people? Yeah he did that too, just for good measure after he had raped and pillaged every part of me and my life. And left me with homelessness, debt, social services etc. The only thing I kept was the kids and he nearly got them too.

Most of these men can put an act on for a little while, but when the mask starts to slip they show you who they really are one bit at a time they erode your boundaries and get you to accept shittier and shittier behaviours.

You could make a start to detaching from him by getting your salary paid into an account in your name & then transferring an amount over to his account to cover the bills.
You need to ask him how he intends to pay his way going forward.
Personally I would be wary of allowing him to become the primary carer of your dc’s, I think he would use it against you in the event of a split.
Normally I would be in favour of “family money” but this guy is bringing nothing to the table, no salary, not enough childcare. He is a fully grown adult it is not unreasonable of you to expect him to contribute.
You say you love him but his behaviour will soon put paid to that & it is only a matter of time before you will start to resent him. Put your dc’s at the top of your priorities & start to call him out on his behaviour.

Why am I still with him? I suppose for hope that he'll be able to 'fix' whatever's wrong

I bet he doesn’t think there is anything wrong so why would he fix anything

Can you get yourself out of his parents house? Can you get a flat. Even something tiny and cheap to start with.

Can any of your extended family help?

Don’t know your situation with money but if needs be could you borrow the cost of the deposit and 1st months rent from family and then look at benefits and nursery fees for when your youngest is old enough for nursery.

Please don’t waste your life trying to work out why he does something or believing the tears are because he loves you. More like he knew he was losing control.

You need to leave. Tell your HV she will help point you to right things in your area. Wright a list of things that need to be done and one by one get it done. The last thing you need to do is go into work or call and change your pay to go into your bank account. You will find another job, I promise but you can not get back these years of your life. You can arrange contact for your children once you have got out and sorted your life if that's what you want. If you honestly can not see a way out then he has done his job. Do not let him do this to you.

Are all 4 of you living on your wage?

Even if you feel that your health visitor cannot ‘do’ anything, it would be good to share your tale of woe with a real life person.
You obviously feel that you are totally stuck in your life, you are woefully tired and cannot see a way out. Apart from that you are living in the middle of nowhere and are very isolated.

So sharing with a real person (and you must do this without your husband hearing) will give your an outside perspective. The health visitor will have heard it all before and it will pay off if you are honest with her. And one real life person is worth more than half a dozen people on the internet.

You are vulnerable love, clearly something happened when you were younger and abusive men are like sharks, they hone right in on blood in the water. I know, I have been there.

You are looking for a way to make him back into the man he first showed you, but he doesn't exist. I know this based on the blackmail he is already utilising to keep you there. He wants children because they bind you to him and makes it harder to leave. He will use them to keep you, hence the blackmail.

You have to accept that this isn't okay before you will be able to go. You are hanging on to the idea of making the perfect family you didn't have as a child, a home and place of safety. Again, it doesn't exist.

What you need are options. Get the money in your own account and transfer over for bills. Speak to women's aid. Go to a refuge, access can be sorted later. Let me say one thing though, your children won't thank you for staying. My mother stayed and our relationship is forever damaged and I went on to meet an abusive man of my own - read about the cycle of abuse.

Once you let him become the SAHP you really will end up trapped. Don't go home to your family, that isn't the only option here. Go to a refuge even if it is far away. You can move back later if you want, but do so on your own terms

A place to start is to write down every mean thing he has said and done. You can do it in a notebook or here or elsewhere.

In my case he was having an affair from my first pregnancy to the end of the second pregnancy. When I was told it made so much sense of all the gaslighting. Happily by then he'd been such a cunt for so long I was out of love with him. But even then he only told half the truth despite already being divorced. Just to mind fuck me a bit more.

The thing that made me stop sacrificing myself was when he threatened to put the kids into care when he was drunk. I had to stop deluding myself at that point.

I suspect you are just about there.

If you went into a refuge it would give you breathing space and I think dc would still be able to see their father at a contact centre.

You need to separate the feelings you had for the man you knew. He is gone. Mourn him and move on.

This man is not your responsibility
The only responsibility you have is to your children.
If you have girls/a girl and you stay you are teaching them/her that this is how men should treat you.
If you have boys/boy then they will learn that this is how they should treat women.

As someone who had a very troubled childhood (mother wanted me to take part in a suicide pact at the age of 8. In and out of care since I was about 2 years old. No father, he disappeared off the scene)
I will give you some advice.

No one is going to come and rescue you. You are the only person responsible for your happiness or can put a roof over your head or get you what you want.

If you find someone who can help then that is a bonus.

A lot of what people threaten are just words to control you.

You are the one with the job and the income. There is no need for you to be in this position.

Dump and run for the hills with your children.

I bet your anxiety will fix itself if you are not at the beck and call of this man and you are getting a good nights sleep.

I know this is overwhelming especially with such young children. My heart goes out to you.
You seem to be vulnerable and sadly that probadly made you a target, most abusers move their partner from family & friends.

Abusive men have faulty thinking, it comes from a sense of entitlement. If he believes he is King of the house then he will feel entitled to not help, to order you about like a servant. He doesnt expect you to disagree with him and he isn't seeking a mutually respectful relationship.
Think about how Victorian men viewed their wives, they were owned by their husbands..it is a simply way to think. To trap you he was able to be kinder, it may not have been conscious as everyone tends to behave better in the early days.

It has consistently been shown it takes 2 years to know a partner well. Many of us have been fooled by abusive men, our upbringings make us more susceptible but it is often just unlucky to be attracted to the wrong man.

What we all know is that the earlier you get out is better. You are young so have time to rebuild. It always feels impossible to restart your life but it is small steps and you will get there.
Speak to HV, get your bank account sorted so you have access to the money, speak to women's aid. 3 actions will move you forward. Your gp may also help with counselling, tell them you are in an abusive relationship as you will be a priority.

Smearing you is a well known abuse tactic and just conforms he is abusive.

Leave him and don't go back to work. Otherwise he will claim he can look after the kids and you will have to pay him.

This IS terrible abuse, and if I was your DM, I would really want you out of there.
As lot's of others have said, I would definitely agree that you really should speak to your HV and Women's Aid. They will listen and they will advise and help you.

Also very importantly, this abusive behaviour will be on record, and one day it could prove to be very useful to you.