Can I get DH back to how he was before or do I accept that I can’t?

[BouncyChairs]

Hi all,

I made this thread yesterday but for some reason it didn’t post but it’s taken me a lot of courage to actually put this out there, even anonymously. I have NC’d but I’m a long-term poster.

Bit of background:

-Together for four years, married for two
-Have 2DC, 2yo and 8wks

When DH and I got together, it was great. He was so caring, considerate, loving etc. When DC1 was born, he was very ‘hands-on’ and did his ‘fair share’. I combined fed and so he did about half the feeds/nappies etc and was generally very good.

About a year ago, maybe a bit more, things changed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what ‘triggered’ it but it was quite sudden. He was still quite caring and a good dad but something changed. All of a sudden, he left his job on the day, didn’t go in/call, despite me pleading not to until he found another one. I ended up having to tell his manager as I kept getting calls and I felt awful. As a result, we lost the place we were renting as we simply couldn’t afford to rent anymore without his wage (I was a STAHM). We had to move in with PIL.

He increasingly became less caring/loving to me and always tries to ‘one-up’ on me, like he wanted to have a higher score, eg if he changed DC1’s nappy, I’d have to feed her or if he went to the shops to get food/top-up, I’d have to do the housework etc. It’s not a split of domestic work, I don’t know how to describe it well but he wants to have some sort of ‘well I did this so you have to do this’.

He’s had little regard for my physical state since DC2 was born, expecting me to be able to carry DC1 on the day DC2 was born, carry heavy shopping very soon after because ‘you’re fine’.

Last year I promised that we wouldn’t have to visit my extended family this year (they don’t get on, I don’t have any close blood relatives so it’s not a case of both close and extended family, it’s just extended) but circumstances have changed since DC2 was born so I agreed we’d go to see them. DH was raging. They pay for travel (very kindly, they’re very well off) so it’s not a financial issue, he just doesn’t want to go. He’s said we can go but I have to do everything he asks eg if he wants a coffee, make him a coffee, I can’t have a bath because I take too long, I can’t take DC’s out unless he agrees. The worst part is DC2 is a terrible sleeper and DH keeps making me stay up until about 1am even though I’m exhausted. He’s refused to do anything really this time; every nappy/bottle/feed (combine feeding again), bath etc I have to do. He just refuses. He refuses to work again so I have to return to work in a few weeks which I’m dreading as I don’t want to leave DC2 so early and I’m worried my milk will dry up (he only has one bottle at night, rest is me). He also refuses to move out of PIL’s house. He claims we’re saving money (we’re not, we’re giving them the same as our rent before now I’m having an income) and I have to do all of the housework, DH will tidy the communal living room up but that’s it. I have to do the rest.

Typing all that, it seems such a ridiculous situation but it’s only recently since the travelling part and how he’s reacted that I’m thinking it’s not normal. I loved the way he was so much before and I just want him back. He wanted another child so it wasn’t that that made him like this. Is there any way we’ll be able to get back to how it was? Can he change? Or am I crazy for either thinking that? I’m not making this up either although it seems bizarre, I just haven’t got anyone else I can ask in real life. Has anyone else been able to work things out in a similar situation and get their old partner back? Could it be a mental health thing that we could get help for? TIA

If you call women's aid they can answer your questions.

I can see you are not ready from the way you're posting.

Just know that people are responding to you from concern.

Lots of people have been where you are, know how tough it is, know how much worse it will get - but also know how much better life can be once you are free of abuse. For the children too, growing up in this environment is no good for them.

It's a daunting road from where you are now, but not impossible.

I'm not judging you, just worried for you and your children.

Please please bouncy tell your health visitor, he has financial control , he is holding you with blackmail, he is making you beg for normal human rights, like to wash and to sleep. He is breaking the law. This is modern slavery. Leave him before he takes your kids.

This is some seriously fucked up shit I'm reading here OP.

Your bloke.... Is a cunt and you need to get your children as far away from him as you can.

You've let the genie out of the bottle now with this thread. There's no way you'll be able to go back to being dormant. You're young, there will come a point where you'll fuck him off without looking back. Pity it'll take your best years with it and possibly fuck up your kids future mental health, but hey ho.

You will get rid at some point, all the best luck with that. Make sure you have a financial pot on the go secretly in the meantime.

I really despair of women like you OP.
So quick to and willing to become do-dependent on a man so they can 'save' you - save your bloody self!

You shouldn't have brought two children into this fucked up 'relationship'.
They deserve better than an abusive, blackmailing father and a mother who prioritises her desire to live in the 'country' over their welfare.

You're full of excuses as to why you 'can't' leave and despite his threats to take your kids off you you think it's a good idea to make him a SAHD!
For what - so you can stay in a job that keeps you living in the country'?
You do realise that by letting him be a SAHD he automatically becomes the main/primary caregiver?
That in the event of a split HE will get main residency of your kids (eve if you have enough money & manage to rent in the country)?

He didn't 'change' - this is who he really is.
He just pulled the wool over your eyes and you fell for it.

The best thing you can do is get away from him - and yes, that means moving to an urban area, where you can find a job and be able to access services and support that you and your kids will need.
You need to find a way to move - be that staying with family, friends or borrowing money to rent your own place.
You need a job that supports you to be a single parent and pay for childcare - you're not going to get that where you are right now.

As for his blackmail - i'd call his bluff on it otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life under his thumb.
You can always speak to the domestic abuse unit at your local police station for advice on how to handle this - they might have a word with him about his threats.
If he does tell people - then you'll just have to suck it up.
You've told him things that you shouldn't have, you betrayed other people's trust/confidence, so yes, there will be repercussions.

Take accountability for the situation you got yourself into instead of making excuses.

Expertly explained @sevenoftwelve

I also second the suggestion of reading lundy bancroft why does he do that.

You're going to need to learn how to stand on your own at some point OP or you will forever be at the mercy of others. No-one can fix you, you have to fix yourself.

Start with councelling and the book because this whole situation isnt right...at all.

Also OP there really arent any 'success stories' for abusive relationships, which seems to be what you're fishing for.

Unless you want to be crushed and remain a passive bystander in your own life that is.

Being reliant on an explotative cunt like this one never ends well...ever!

That is very harsh Savingspaces2019. Leaving a relationship is very hard. Bouncy did not come on here to be told that she is making excuses and that you despair of women like her.

If you don't want to move back in with family (which I understand, I have been in the same position) and there is very little social/private housing provision where you are then there is very little tying you to an area. Move your pay into your own account then I'd start looking for another job somewhere that has better social housing provisions such as Warwickshire (lots of new estates going up currently and not long waits for bidding either) Don't ruin your life and your children's lives by staying with this man who treats you so appallingly, he isn't going to 'save' you when he can't even treat you like a human being. No other person can save you, you have to do it yourself having the belief that you need someone else to fix you will just lead you into more situations where you can be abused. You might not be ready to leave yet, but please don't let him become your DCs primary carer as then you will be more trapped as I know most mothers wouldn't leave without DC, and if he is a SAHD he would 'win' them in court. I hope you can work things out for yourself OP

What would I do with his relationship with DC?

It is his responsibility to manage his relationships with his children.

It is your responsibility to protect your children from the effects of living in an abusive relationship, because he is abusing you, and he clearly doesn't care that the children see this.

Your best course of action is to get out of that relationship, to find somewhere safe for you and your children to live, and to move on. Stop worrying about what your partner is going to do, or how he's going to manage: that's not your problem. Getting you and your children safe and secure is all you have to think about now.

Leave whilst you are on maternity leave.

If you don’t want to change jobs put your place of work into Rightmove rental and then put the width area to say 10 or 20 miles and see what comes up.
Then you can check out journey times and nurseries in the different areas.

Also I know there is a website where you can put in your circumstances and it will tell you which benefits you can claim.

So if you return to work you can maybe get help with nursery fees, single persons council tax etc

Don’t return to work till you are out of this situation as pps have said as a sahd he would probably get custody if you split.

I would go into a refuge today rather than spend anytime living this torture.

Everything, clothes, baby’s things, toys etc can be sorted at a later date with a police presence.

As I said no one is going to ride in and wave a magic wand and “fix” him you can only “fix” yourself or alter your responses to situations.

Only you can rescue you and your children.

Is this the sort of relationship you would want for your DCs. I don't know if you have girls or boys and I suppose it doesn't matter, but would you want your child to grow up thinking that A, they can treat another person like he is treating you, or B, be treated like you are being treated.

Would you be happy for your child to be either your DH or you one day?

Because currently you are showing them that this is ok. That this is normal. That this is a life you'd be happy to have for them. You are modelling this normal behaviour to them.

Just think about that.

I find people getting married after only 2 years together a bit weird tbh... you barely know the guy.

You should deffo leave - who makes their wife return to work 8 weeks after giving birth when he's able bodied? Psycho

He's generous to you? But you earn all the money....

So you get paid and it's all paid into his account? Wtf he's living the life of Riley!

He won't take your kids - that's too much like hard work. It's an empty threat. Plus trying to OD as a teenager wouldn't be used against you.

How are you today? Please know that there are people out there who will get you to a better place.

Start with telling someone in real life. You need to have your feelings validated and know it's not you.

So this is all overwhelming and you are only at the start of a journey.

What he is doing is abuse, and it will not change, it will only get worse. You will understand that eventually but it takes time to get your head there.

You need to break this down into manageable steps.

The first step is to start reframing how you think about things. Your response to every bit of advice on here is to immediately say that you can’t do that. That’s the abuse talking. The more you argue for a “can’t” the more true it becomes in your head. So you need to stop immediately jumping to all the reasons you can’t do something, and start thinking of the benefits of doing something first.

So instead of listing all the reasons that moving out is impossible, list the benefits- freedom, space to think, a better atmosphere for the children. Talk yourself into something, not out of something. Once you have done that, you can look at the practical difficulties, and you will find they are so much smaller once you have stopped talking them up in your head. They are all resolvable. You only think they aren’t because he ( and I suspect maybe others in your past) have crushed your self esteem. Time to start building it up, one small victory and act at a time.

So step one. Pick up the phone to Women’s Aid. It’s just a phone call, not a commitment.