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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 25/06/2019 21:22

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

Stop this. No more. Compared to what you’ve been through, going however long without sex is nothing. He’ll live.

Next time he even vaguely hints, simply say “I do not want to have sex, and there will be no more sex of any kind until I do want it. I will let you know when that happens so please don’t bring it up again”.

He’s lost any right to hint about sex.

sprouts21 · 25/06/2019 21:24

Going off that reply I don't think he gets it at all. He's apologising for not being "patient". He is not apologising for the groping or dirty pics, or making it clear he's frustrated.

If it continues don't hesitate to call this exactly what it is, sexual abuse.

Dragongirl10 · 25/06/2019 21:28

Op you hit the nail on the head...ususally you have no problem saying what you think..

BUT you felt insecure due to not feeling sexy...( understandably)
he took advantage of that vulnerability...take note and be aware to not let that happen....so many seemingly nice men take advantage when they sense vulerability.

I had pre eclampsia so badly l could have died with DD, l completely understand your feelings, it takes a long time to recover and feel strong again, men have no idea....

PollyEsterblouse · 25/06/2019 21:29

I hope he's as good as his word, Mischone. This thread has been so hard to read.

If he isn't true to his word, can I suggest Google images? Reply to any future dick pics with stock photos of perineal tearing.

Rest, and heal, and feel better soon. You've been through so much. Take care x

Mischone · 25/06/2019 21:30

Well he was doing so well at not being a self centered prick

Is it me or something im not doing.
Or are you not intrested in me as much?

Is what he's just said, before quickly reverting back to how he understands and won't pressure me.

So after how I've just explained everything there's still a degree of self pity isn't there.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 25/06/2019 21:31

“I am not interested in sex at all right now. Please stop bringing it up, doing so won’t change anything. When I’m ready, I’ll tell you”

CaMePlaitPas · 25/06/2019 21:34

I know you've only recently had the baby OP but is there any chance you can take the baby and the eldest and stay with family for a bit of a breather?

Meowington · 25/06/2019 21:35

I wouldn’t put up with that for a single second! He’s literally sexually harassing you! Tell him to fuck off and he either develops some compassion or you’ll change the locks and he can live in the garden!!

WhatsInAName19 · 25/06/2019 21:35

Is it me or something im not doing.
Or are you not intrested in me as much?

"What is it that you think you could do that would make me want to have your penis - or indeed anybody's penis - hammering away at a vagina that I HAVE JUST TOLD YOU has currently got a portion of my pelvic organs protruding through it??"

Oh, OP. He just doesn't get it at all does he.

Dragongirl10 · 25/06/2019 21:37

Say
l want cuddles with no hint of anything more
I want foot rubs that don't lead to anything sexual
I want to be held with no sexual touching
l want help with the house/meals/washing.
I WANT NO MENTION OF SEX OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH SEX

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 25/06/2019 21:39

Is it me or something im not doing.
Or are you not intrested in me as much?

I felt the blood drain from my face reading that.

IS HE REALLY THAT THICK FFS

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 25/06/2019 21:39

Again an man being a mysogynistic asshole is linked to autism.
AUTISM is NOT the reason for vile behaviour!!!!!

I have / had a father (with a very ill wife), brother (with a very ill wife), husband (with a wife that used to be very ill) and a son with autism and no way would any of them behave like that.

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/06/2019 21:42

Text back :
Jesus H Fucking Christ THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU you cunt

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/06/2019 21:43

Is it me or something im not doing. Or are you not intrested in me as much?

He hasn't registered your pain and suffering at all, has he?

Revolting, callous man. He seems to have had an empathy bypass.

YesQueen · 25/06/2019 21:43

He's totally not getting it. Point out you don't want sex with Tom bloody Hardy at the minute because you are IN PAIN. Tell him to go shove his penis in a cheese grater and see if he feels like sex. And that he is not to mention sex, sulk or whinge about it and you will let him know when you want to, in your own time
Either that or hit him over the head with a frying pan repeatedly until it sinks in nobody would blame you

Mischone · 25/06/2019 21:44

He's got it in his head that I've been using a vibrator to stimulate myself because I'm not interested in anything he can do for me anymore.

Even if I had been, which I haven't, that's very different isn't it.

I can't imagine saying to him he doesn't find me attractive because he wanks.

Bloody idiot that stupid toy has been sat in the draw for months untouched.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 25/06/2019 21:47

Is he quite mad? Or very very thick?

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/06/2019 21:50

He is behaving supremely badly.

Mischone · 25/06/2019 21:53

Reverting back to supposedly understanding now, and asking that I don't think bad of him because he already thinks bad of himself now he's reflected on what I've said.

Agrees he has behaved appallingly.

Yet ten minutes ago he was saying he thinks it's because I'm not interested in him or it's because of something he isn't doing, so he doesn't understand that much. Clearly. Ignorant self pitying git.

OP posts:
PerfectPeony2 · 25/06/2019 21:55

Fucking awful OP. Poor you. Flowers I’m so sorry that you went through with it for his benefit after what you’ve been through. How could he think that’s okay? I’d be very hurt.

Tell him to go get a sex doll if he’s insisting that he behave like a pathetic obsessed teenager. He should know better. No excuses for that!

53rdWay · 25/06/2019 21:56

It’s like he thinks sex is one of your basic functions, and just can’t conceive of you not wanting ANY sex AT ALL right now.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 25/06/2019 21:57

He's obsessed with his dick. I'm so angry for you.

doxxed · 25/06/2019 21:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Darayan20 · 25/06/2019 22:00

Talk about it to your health visitor mine was very helpful she actually told my husband not to do anything unless I want it may be you can take your baby to the clinic along with your husband and talk about your feelings to the health visitor may be he will understand

53rdWay · 25/06/2019 22:03

My ex used to pester and mope like this. I spent forever trying to get him to understand how it made me feel. I got nowhere, because he understood perfectly well, he just did not care.

His entire attitude was “well yes, she doesn’t want sex right now and whining at her about it will make her feel bad. But I would not feel bad and there’s still a 1% chance I’d get sex, so it’s worth it.”

I hope your bloke is different, but right now it seems like he is either unbelievably stupid or he does not think of you as a fully human person.