Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

Well done OP. If he comes in and still doesn't get it then tell him he is getting dangerously close to abuse. If you have a spare room, then send him to sleep there, as clear message.

He is being a sex monster, not just a pest. Ask him if he'd be trying to shove his penis in your mouth if you'd just been beaten up, broken jaw, teeth, stitches through your tongue etc. Because it's the same, and you're likely just as traumatised too, if he thinks a violent mugging and birth trauma are different.

I had a 3rd degree tear, massive PPH, multiple transfusions, after a long, painful and complicated pregnancy. I still couldn't sit comfortably at 3 months. I don't think we even tried having sex for about 6 months! DH didn't pressure me or moan, he was affectionate without expecting sex, and reassured me. He just quietly took on every thing he could in the house and with DD, to spare me as much pain as he could. This only made him more attractive to me. If he'd acted as your husband had, I doubt we'd still be together.

Well done OP.

He needs to understand that this constant pestering, flashing, groping etc is not seductive. It’s entirely grotesque.

The saddest part for me is that he was there with me through every step of the trauma and saw it all, blood guts and all its glory. He was nothing short of an amazing support when I was in hospital which is why I'm so surprised he expects me to just click back to normal.

He saw our DD come out, he saw the tear and stood bedside whilst they stitched me up. He saw the blood everywhere and the clot I passed on the toilet floor which was almost size of babies head. He saw me quickly become very unwell with doctors and midwives stood around the bed telling me they had to move me because I'm not in the best place, he then saw my health decline rapidly to the point I couldn't even sit up, he saw me having a blood transfusion, bags of fluids, IV antibiotics, a tablet shoved up my arse to make me contract all over again and expel what they thought were retained products, daily injections in my stomach to prevent blood clots because I couldn't leave the bed, he saw my body shaking uncontrollably he pressed the emergency alarm and stood panicking as the midwife rushed to open windows and strip my body to bring my temperature down, he sat there daily whilst i was constantly hooked up to machines to monitor my obs because I was tachycardic and my BP was all over the place. He saw my panic as our daughter went through a course of strong antibiotics as a preventative measure whilst being tested to ascertain whether she had the infection too (thankfully she did not) but then we had to sit and watch her lay in an incubator for three days under two blue lights which I couldn't take her out of for more than the time it took to feed and change her when I got some strength back because she was bright yellow with jaundice which frightened me because I didn't know anything about it or what was happening to her. He saw me scared for my life when I finally got my diagnosis after several days of wondering wtf was happening to me.

Sorry I sound dramatic don't I. I'm so bloody angry now.

I'm really fucking sad about could he even be thinking about his balls when I've just gone through all of that and he went through it with me.

I've just seen he has responded whilst I was writing that. I'll update again in a moment.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this OP. Your message to your husband was perfect, I hope he listens

Good text OP. Being hassled for sex when you don’t want it is such a huge turn-off and is only knowingly done by complete .

Fully understood. Apologies for not being patient and I won't mention it again or hint. I'll wait and be patient sorry. I am grateful for you both being alive and trust me if I could take any pain and discomfort from you and keep it then I would. I'm sincerely sorry

Is what he has replied with.

He has been unbelievably unreasonable. You have a birth injury, were dangerously unwell and are caring for 2 children. If he doesn’t get with the programme can you go and stay with family and friends for a few days? His behaviour is monstrous.

You know him best to know if that's from the heart.

Good. He’d better live up to that response.

Well done for getting it all out, OP. I hope you feel better now it's off your chest and he's responded. Obviously only time will tell and his actions are what counts, but that's a positive reply. He hasn't tried to make excuses or shift the blame. Good signs. Just don't let things slip or be afraid to bail him over the coals for the slightest hint that he's back to his bad behaviour.

haul him over the coals

Let's hope he walks the walk and isn't just talking the talk OP.

Well done you for saying it calmly and rationally instead of exploding - and hope you're soon on the mend. The things we go through for kids

I hope he abides by his response. If he doesn’t I’d seriously reconsider the relationship. He’s behaved appallingly.

I'm not sure what to make of his reply, on one hand I'm relieved he appears to have gotten the message and understands but on the other I'm wondering whether he's saying that only because it's the right thing to say.

Time will tell won't it.

I'm struggling to believe he really didn't see how much of an inconsiderate twat he has been being, but then with him being autistic (very mild on the spectrum) he can come across as very insensitive. Sometimes I have to pull him up on things and say hang on a minute that was actually very rude and he won't realise until afterwards.

An old friend passed away last year and I was fondly talking about them to DH when I heard the news and saying how sad it was, he waited for me to finish my sentence then started talking about something from the shop. I pulled him up on it and said hang on that's really insensitive wtf, cue a prompt apology and him looking sheepish.

ASD doesn't make somebody an arsehole though does it, our eldest child has it and he's nothing short of a lovely person.

I think I've been making excuses for shitty behaviour and letting him get away with being a prick because of his diagnosis.

I would go absolutely fucking mental if my DP attempted to act like yours did in your situation.

Well done on sending that text - you’ll have to see if he lives up to it.

Do you have problems with assertiveness generally? Is DP selfish or overbearing at all? I’m just wondering as I can’t imagine just putting up with all that without going crazy at him.

You’ve gone through a hell of a lot...I can’t even imagine.

Also I'm really sorry to read some of you here have suffered birth trauma too and been unwell

Scariest time of my life without a doubt but I'm getting there now even if it has completely put me off ever wanting more!

I do have some problems with assertiveness actually yes (head in hands!)

Though strangely never with him before now, I usually speak my mind completely where he is concerned.. I think the reason I've held back is because I've developed an insecurity in my self and almost thought there was something wrong with me for not feeling sexy anymore.

That's bad isn't it.

I'm seeking counselling for the birth trauma. I'm hoping it helps.

He's not an overbearing person and not in the least intimidating, just behaves like a horny teenager where sex is concerned.

I would have had no problem addressing this with him sooner had i not been feeling so shit about myself I think.

I left my now ex dh over almost exactly this situation. I just had enough of it all and felt I’d lost all respect for him. I left when dd was 6 months old (she is now 16 years old and I don’t regret leaving him at all).

I should add I had a 67 hour labour with dd ending up in 3 blood transfusions and a huge episiotomy. We went to a wedding 3 weeks after she was born and he was pestering me into it then and thereafter. I just hated him.

This is sadly quite a common story on here and the guys involved are not ASD. I think that’s a red herring. This is an attitude problem not a neurological one.

I am genuinely horrified by his behaviour, I hope your email shocks some sense into him. But for how long? Until he thinks you’re recovered? Then what will your excuse be?

Oh Mischone that’s completely understandable, you’ve been through so much and it’s only natural it would affect how you think about yourself. But you’ve been so strong - keep going and definitely see if you can get some counselling.

Please don't 'reward' him with BJ's or handjobs if he stops pestering you for P in V sex. He is quite capable of seeing to himself, and you need to concentrate on healing, and caring for your DC - not servicing his dick.

Great text op but you shouldn't have had to send it in the first place

Sorry he's so awful. Hopefully he takes on board what you've said.

You might want to follow your email up with

WHEN I am feeling up for it - I will tell you.
Until that happens I need you to be nurturing with zero hint of “is it going to happen”

I want to be able to feel close to you, and cuddle because I am traumatised and at the moment I can’t hug you because I don’t want to be turning you down every time.

And I really hope he gets it, you poor woman.