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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
NettleTea · 10/07/2019 21:06

I have just read the whole thread and think you are safest at your mum's right now.
would you be able to talk to her about whats going on? Im sure she would be horrified, but hopefully supportive.
My partner has ASD and he can be insensitive (as can I, possibly more than him, as also on the spectrum) but he would never continue to behave in a way that was upsetting to me once told, although he might get a bit het up and anxious whilst being told. But he would go away and take on board what had been said and would mainly be berating himself that he had upset me.
Thats the difference between ASD and abuse. Someone with ASD will most likely be horrified if they have hurt someone that they care for. An abuser will not care - they may say the right things, but will simply continue to do what they want. Its the intention and the outcome that differ, even if the behaviour superficially looks the same

sprouts21 · 10/07/2019 21:57

6. Allege that she has post partum psychosis and is acting irrationally

It seems this has already started. Do NOT underestimate just how much damage this man could potentially cause you and your children. Some professional people are very easily manipulated by these types and men like your husband are all too willing to recruit the police and courts to abuse you further.

You need to document this NOW with your gp and health visitor. His behaviour is escalating and if he claims you have hurt him or the children it WILL be investigated. This happened to me.

My poor friend eventually left her abusive husband to discover he had been going to the gp for "support" regularly, alledging she was an abusive alcoholic and a risk to the children. These men often prepare the groundwork in advance.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2019 22:30

THIS^^

He wants me to believe, that he believes, that all of this is about me acting out because I'm struggling with being postnatal and am overwhelmed with two children.. the eldest of whom has SN.

You should take this as a very thinly veiled threat, Mischone.

You need to wrap your head around the fact that this man is seeking to destroy you and will stop at nothing in order to achieve that.

You need to see malice in everything he says because it is there. He has an agenda here and you need to take note of everything he says and see it through the prism of the immense malice that is directed at you.

You need to be proactive in defending yourself. You need to establish a paper trail with your GP and with all the therapists you talk to, establishing that you are capable and emotionally stable, and above all that any upset you are suffering stems from his abuse and nothing else.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/07/2019 17:16

You need to be proactive in defending yourself. You need to establish a paper trail with your GP and with all the therapists you talk to, establishing that you are capable and emotionally stable, and above all that any upset you are suffering stems from his abuse and nothing else.

You would be wise to take this advice very seriously. The more you share the more it becomes clear that your DH has not got your interests at heart.

HelenaDove · 15/07/2019 00:28

OP i hope you have had a nice weekend and had no shit from him

CandleWithHair · 26/07/2019 12:20

@Mischone how are things going?

qwertyuiop098 · 04/08/2021 15:39

Came across this thread and wanted to check in to see how you’re doing OP.

Spyro1234 · 04/08/2021 19:00

Sorry but your husband sounds absolutely vile. I had waited months until I was ready for sex and my husband supported me.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 19:32

Know what you mean. My first dd aged 11 now. I had a 2nd degree perineal tear with stitches, group b strep infection and a manual removal of the placenta. We did it at week 3 or 4 and stopped as sore. Just did other stuff and then again at around week 6 extremely gently. Didn't help I didn't heal very well neither and ended up back on antibiotics

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/08/2021 19:53

Zombie

RaginaPhalange · 04/08/2021 20:23

Is he for real?
Focus on yourself and baby and you are absolutely not neglecting him.

Fleetw00d · 04/08/2021 20:23

Punch him in the balls

CBroads · 04/08/2021 20:33

Just be honest and blunt. "Do you know what really turns me off? You harassing me for sex every fucking day, it actually makes me want to vomit" he needs an ego check, sounds like he thinks he's gods gift to you or something. Tell him to spend those precious minutes he wastes harassing you on building a bond with your new baby.

Sxxyfing · 04/08/2021 20:42

Wow me and dh didn't have sex for about 7 months after I gave birth... we hadn't done it since I was around 6 months pregnant either.

Your dh sounds vile I'm sorry... I don't know how he is persisting every day I would have shut this down completely. It actually makes me feel very uncomfortable how he's behaving, who does he think he is, it's gross!! Makes me think of all the horrible traumatic experiences with men I've had. Please just focus on your babies and don't give into him, he's selfish and gross

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2021 20:43

The new baby is 2...

This is a ZOMBIE

BakewellGin1 · 04/08/2021 20:47

Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone as his pestering is a huge turn off.

My DH likes a lot of sex. Generally I do too.

After birth of youngest DS... (and DH being present for theatre forceps delivery and the consultant debrief afterwards) even he managed to wait three/four months for any sort of action and even then it was literally a qentle quickie for about another couple of months until I was sure my insides would stay in tact after tearing and stitching x

diamondpony80 · 04/08/2021 21:05

8 weeks is nothing. I gave myself 4 months before I got back to sex. I did have pretty bad tearing but sounds like you’ve been through much, much worse. DH does have a high sex drive but he was actually pretty understanding about not getting it postpartum. I would have seriously questioned our relationship if he had constantly pestered me for sex when I clearly wasn’t ready for it. I can’t imagine how stressful this must be for you at a time while you’re healing and trying to look after a newborn.

Pissinthepottyplease · 04/08/2021 21:09

ZOMBIE

Isthisit22 · 04/08/2021 21:10

Any update @Mischone

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 04/08/2021 21:32

What an absolute pig.

Justlife45 · 04/08/2021 21:54

OP most likely stayed with him. That's usually how these threads always end up when the op suddenly drops of the radar.

Shame as she deserved better and no one should settle for that

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