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Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 25/06/2019 22:03

Jesus. ASD does not make you a sex pest. Having a high sex drive does not make you a sex pest. Being a bloody minded ignorant dickhead with no regard for the feelings of others makes you a sex pest.

OP I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this shit at the same time as looking after a newborn, trying to heal physically, trying to work through it all mentally and then somehow find the strength to seek treatment for the problems you have been left with. He might have ASD but that is absolutely not an excuse to be so unbelievably thick about something like this. You’ve just spelt it out to him, if he cannot see from that how he is making you feel and that he should stop then I’m afraid that the conversation would have to become a lot more serious for me. He needs to be made to understand that his behaviour is not only not helping you, but it is damaging the way you feel about him and it will, ultimately, damage your relationship. Probably permanently. All of that aside he clearly had a problem with the word “no” and understanding the implications of that. It shouldn’t matter one iota WHY you don’t want to have sex, if you say no then that should be the end of the discussion. You shouldn’t be expected to put a reason out there or be subject to a timescale, no really is a complete sentence. He’s a sex pest who is very clearly venturing into becoming something even worse, despite having had it generously spelt out to him why he won’t be getting any.

Underworld345 · 25/06/2019 22:03

Be blunt and Tell him you don’t want sex until you feel you’re ready again.

He needs to stop pestering you.

LettuceBeFree · 25/06/2019 22:04

Yuck even reading that made me feel sympathy for you.. he's literally done every sex-pest behaviour he could possibly think of.

Seems he sees you as an object for his pleasure than an actual person. :/

RLOU30 · 25/06/2019 22:11

My knees have actually banged shut reading about your husband.
I feel for you, OP

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 25/06/2019 22:15

Petulant, ignorant prick.

I couldn’t be doing with that shit anyone never mind so soon after an awful labour and birth.

Sex pests are the ultimate contraceptive on the plus side Wink
But seriously no. Just tel him to fuck the hell off

AbbyHammond · 25/06/2019 22:16

Oh vile, vile, vile.

What kind of a man coerces his birth-injured wife into painful sex she doesn't want?

mollyblack · 25/06/2019 22:17

Ugh i had a similar birth to you and we didn't have sex for eight months and even then i am not sure i was ready- no pressure from my dh i just wanted to try.

Your dh is being completely unreasonable and creepy.

BakewellGin1 · 25/06/2019 22:24

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms NO until you feel ready because he could do further damage if you don't recover first.

I am now 3.5 months PP and only recently tried anything.

DH was with me when I was told how much trauma my body had suffered, how I needed time to recover to reduce lasting effects etc and to his credit (suprisingly) he never once tried (he has a high sex drive also) and just said when I feel ready let him know.

We did do other things before that mostly because I needed to know I could stand having any contact after weeks of feeling like my insides would drop out.

Unless your clear he will keep trying and it's only going to make you resent him.

IWantToBeNynaeve · 25/06/2019 22:27

I'm actually upset for you OP, does your dh really not care that he's causing you pain just to satisfy his 'needs ' ? He sounds really self absorbed and selfish, he's not thinking of you at all.

CatalogueUniverse · 25/06/2019 22:32

What kind of a man coerces his birth-injured wife into painful sex she doesn't want?

My ex-husband. Angry

Bloody pestering men with their oh no, we have a baby, my slice of the woman pie has shrunk I need validation that I count, I must get to do sex.

It’s so bloody childish and utterly Selfish.

Tell him that you haven’t wanted any sexual contact since the birth, not for your benefit, and not for his. You have had sexual contact because you were hoping it would help the situation not because you wanted it. This has clearly misled him into thinking you had regained a sex drive. You have not.

It’s NOT ABOUT HIM. It’s about you, and your ravaged body and emotional trauma.

Cherrysoup · 25/06/2019 22:32

So he's faked caring then the next message is about how HE feels rejected because you're not interested? Fml, the man's an idiot.

Mischone · 25/06/2019 22:33

He's just attempted a peck and a hug (not trying it on.. I think I'd chop his bollocks off if he had the nerve to do that after the conversation we've just had.

I was non responsive, not because I'm trying to teach him a lesson but because he's genuinely hurt my feelings. I hoped that after I was straight with him about how I felt that would be the end of it and the problem would be solved, I'm really surprised it turned into a "don't you fancy me anymore" pity party.

I absolutely get his ASD means he needs things spelling out for him sometimes and that's why I was so straight to the point with the text I sent him, so it left no room for confusion, and he still doesn't "get it"

(Or doesn't want to get it)

OP posts:
Mischone · 25/06/2019 22:38

It's just been on the news that there's been an outbreak of the invasive group A disease that I survived. I can't remember where they said it was, but there has been fatalities.

Conveniently he was sat on the couch when it was on.

I reminded him i'd just gone through that, with sepsis on top, and thats without the other damage I've sustained as a result of the birth so does he think any of them poor people laid up in hospital are thinking about sex.

I think maybe I've lost the moral hihhground by saying that haven't i. I'm just so mad at the minute.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 25/06/2019 22:51

No, you haven't lost the moral highground at all! you've had more patience than many women as evidenced in this thread. Women have left their sex pest husbands/partners for this type of behaviour.

Thisnamechanger · 25/06/2019 22:51

Jesus fuck OP I despair. He sounds hell. How selfish he is. Congrats on your baby xxx

Pollaidh · 25/06/2019 22:53

No, HE is in the wrong OP. Honestly, if my 'D'H behaved like that I'd show him this thread, and spell out that his behaviour is relationship-ending stuff. Then I'd probably go to my parents for a week to make the point.

Zucker · 25/06/2019 23:03

This isn't the autism. This is him showing his true colours.

Why are you so reluctant to get angry at him to his face?

His behaviour is completely disgusting and if you saw someone else posting this on MN what would your advice be?

motherofcats81 · 25/06/2019 23:09

You definitely haven't lost the high ground OP you've just pointed out facts!

I think you are being remarkably calm tbh.

Mischone · 25/06/2019 23:16

He's just tried sitting down to talk and apologising more I said I'd speak to him tomorrow because I don't have the mental space now. The story on the news has triggered me, brought it all back and my anxiety has gone into overdrive Sad

Sat in the bedroom now fending off a panic attack worrying the disease is going to come back and finish me off. Ridiculous really aren't I.

The last thing I said to him was that I'm concerned about how he prioritises sex above all else in a marriage including my well-being.

OP posts:
Mischone · 25/06/2019 23:18

I did get angry I raised my voice which I don't usually do. He knows he has hurt me and I don't want to listen to any more of his half hearted waffle tonight.

OP posts:
middleage3 · 25/06/2019 23:24

Hi
My DH has ASD and he never understood the birth trauma or any pregnancy / newborn struggles.
He was also a sex pest like this - I think you have done well to tell him direct and sort it out.
My DH would also be confused and not able to understand what the issue is - he simply would be unable to see it from my point of view.
He’s done well to apologise ( my DH is never wrong .....)
Looking back my DH was certainly all at sea and never came to another birth as he was so traumatised apparently after the first one!
He was good at being directed to practical tasks - washing , cooking
I don’t know if this is ASD or just being an arsehole , but I experienced it too
You’ve done soooo well to assert yourself and draw a line. X

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 25/06/2019 23:26

You don't need this stress on top of everything else. Is there somewhere you could go for a few days? A change of scene?

tobedtoMNandfart · 25/06/2019 23:28

Well done you 💐

cinders15 · 25/06/2019 23:30

Darling OP
You need to get YOU well
Mentally as well as physically
I realise you may not want to leave baby for a while, but you do need to have time to yourself and heal
When ready, book into a spa hotel - Alone or with a friend - and focus on you - not him
Now baby is here, he goes down in the pecking order, so he needs to learn and you need to heal
Hugs Thanks

madcatladyforever · 25/06/2019 23:34

I would have accidentally kneed him in the bollox by now and put 20 valium in his coffee and told him to go to hell. I'd probably have called the police WTF!!!