Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

He used to do all those things to keep you sweet so you'd be up for sex. Now there's no point, because he's not getting it now anyway. So the mask is slipping.

And the irresponsibility about security is to keep you on edge, to keep you from sleeping soundly or from trusting him with anything to do with the children. Same with going to bed just before the little one wakes - forcing you to get up to do it. Punishing you pure and simple.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

We're going to stay at my DM's for at least a night or two so I can have some thinking space away from him.

He'll be home between 9-10, I don't think he believes me because I've threatened to go a few times previous. He'll have a shock when he gets in.

He is checking that you're not thinking of leaving him He is trying to manipulate the OP into sex to "reassure" him that's what he is about.

OP I hope you are alright and that you have a nice break at your DM and you find some space to have a serious think about what you need and want

Hes not looking after you - and therefore not looking after his children. Sorry OP - have RTFT and doesn't look good.

Just read the full thread. He's really playing the victim. He is absolutely bike. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

And his sex drive isn't just high, it's perverse.

Vile*

Hope your stay is restful, Mischone. Let your mum look after you a bit.

I agree you should not offer any reassurance or denial of any accusations of your H about you running off with someone else.

Just tell him you are sorry he feels that way. Then ignore him.

He is most likely projecting and hoping to cause you to worry that he will run off with someone else.
It is also a form of gaslighting - in saying this he is completely denying the birth injuries you are suffering from.

Have a restful stay at your Mums place. Personally I'd not be returning to live with him, but that's just my view.

This is NOT about sex. It’s about control. When he is able to make the OP have sex when she does not want to, he is reassures that he is in charge. Not just of his house and his kids but HIS wife and her body.

As a PP said, all the “nice” things that he did ( like parenting his own children or locking up his house ) were favours he did for the OP to keep her sweet and get her to do as she is told.

Now shes being disobedient so he feels he has every right to punish her by stopping these rewards. He likes to think of himself as a decent educated man so he cant just hit her. He needs to do things that have sone plausible explanation

Eg I just feel asleep, its not my fault . Geez, so you are splitting up our family and destroying our kids lives because i have been a totally perfect husband for years but once I was tired and didn’t follow yours orders exactly ? Wow you are so controlling !

It’s not that he doesn’t believe that she has birth inquiries. It’s just that they don’t count because they are happening to her and not him. His overwhelming desire to get his own way and control her wipes out anything else. It’s like you are in labour and your husband complains that you are squeezing his hand too hard. Yes you know its real but you don't give a fuck because you are in agony.

He feels that his control is slipping and it’s like his whole world is falling apart. He thinks that punishing her will bring her back into line but its making it worse. He doesn't know what else to do, so will be thrashing around looking for something else.

I predict that he will do one or more of the following

1. Go “ missing “ and leave a cryptic message with someone gullible. He will phone sick into work and go and stay in a nice hotel somewhere while everyone is worried sick about him. When he cones back he will tell everyone he was devastated by her behaviour , needed some space and never thought anyone would be concerned because no on cares about him anymore, its all about the kids.

1. Tell someone he is suicidal or even make a make a fake suicide attempt

1. Say he’s been given a medical diagnosis of some serious illness eg my white cell count is up, the GP says it’s probably cancer

1. Say he’s been given a psychological diagnosis like autism or “ sex addict “ so all his behaviour is not his fault

1. Recruit her family as flying monkeys , to persuade her to do as she is told because he is “devastated at the thought of losing her and the children “

1. Allege that she has post partum psychosis and is acting irrationally . Or maybe just PND. He might go to her Gp and express his “worries”.

1. Tell her the marriage is over because shes obviously cheating on him. Insist on a DNA test on the baby. I think this is less likely because it will make him look like a total arsehole to everyone and he's the kind of man who likes to have a good public image

1. Start surveillance on her because “ shes obviously cheating “ and he “ needs evidence “.

Autism is not a psychological diagnosis. It's a lifelong developmental disorder, which is incredibly hard to live with ( both for those who have it, AND those who are around those who have it)

But apart from that, I agree with your post.

Sorry I wasn’t clear. I didn’t mean that he would genuinely obtain such a diagnosis from an appropriately qualified professional . I mean that he would CLAIM to have such a diagnosis but it would be a lie, in order to manipulate the OP.

Eg “ I’ve seen a counsellor and she told me I’m probably autistic “ .

Posters on MN sometimes feed into this by suggesting autism or other diagnoses every time someone posts that their husband is selfish . Women trying to save their marriages will latch onto this and tell themselves that therefore they have to stay and fix him.

It’s the modern version of the 1950s “ men cant do housework or childcare because they are the breadwinners “.

Now they are all lazy abusive arses because they have depression or are on the spectrum .

Go “missing“ and leave a cryptic message with someone gullible. He will phone sick into work and go and stay in a nice hotel somewhere while everyone is worried sick about him. When he cones back he will tell everyone he was devastated by her behaviour , needed some space and never thought anyone would be concerned because no on cares about him anymore, its all about the kids

He has done a VERY similar thing to this two years ago.

2. Tell someone he is suicidal or even make a make a fake suicide attempt

Yep, done this before too. Told somebody he had taken a dangerous amount of medication he was on at the time. It was bullshit and he hadnt.

4. Say he’s been given a psychological diagnosis like autism or “ sex addict “ so all his behaviour is not his fault

When our eldest was born and he was being quite frankly a shit, he said the doctor said he's depressed.

5. Recruit her family as flying monkeys , to persuade her to do as she is told because he is “devastated at the thought of losing her and the children"

He does this except it's his family he recruits. After rows in the past he's had his father come and speak to me and say EXACTLY that.

6. Allege that she has post partum psychosis and is acting irrationally . Or maybe just PND. He might go to her Gp and express his “worries”

He said this on the telephone last night when he got home and saw that I had gone! "I'm not saying you're mad but you need help too"

Wow

He wants me to believe, that he believes, that all of this is about me acting out because I'm struggling with being postnatal and am overwhelmed with two children.. the eldest of whom has SN.

Oh wow OP, that update is frightening. I think having read the thread that you need to stay away from him. I always find on MN that when someone posts about an issue it is nearly always just the tip of a huge iceberg. People usually live with a lot of subtle abuse before they wonder is this normal. I’m glad you are getting support on here and IRL. Please don’t let his family pressure you. Take care and we’ll done for getting away.

I always find on MN that when someone posts about an issue it is nearly always just the tip of a huge iceberg. People usually live with a lot of subtle abuse before they wonder is this normal.

This is so, so true. I've seen this again and again on the Relationships board.

OP your last update is staggering. Reading those predictions of how DH is likely to behave must have been a revelation to you. There's a script - and he's been following it almost to the letter.

This must be the last thing you want to contemplate at this stage in your life. So sorry.

Mischone, I said it upthread but I want to say again - I have been where you are, postnatal, injured from the birth, dealing with two children and a sex-deprived manchild.
It can get better. I have never been happier than I am with my now DP. A partner who understands I am a person and not a fucking wanksock blow up doll.

You got a full house in the Abusive Twat Bingo OP.

I think the scales are really starting to fall from your eyes. What you previously put down to his quirks you are now starting to see as just manipulative tools straight out of the Abuser's toolbox.

Stay with your mum until you are physically recovered if you can. It will give your body physical space from him, and give you much needed head space to figure out all of this.

I've no plans to return home yet, I was sat in the garden this morning having a cup of tea and felt a sense of calm that I haven't felt at our place in a long time.

I slept like a baby too, but that was probably the sominex!

I think he sees this as me throwing a wobbler, so he doesn't seem that bothered at the minute.

I reiterated on the phone last night that I refuse to put up with his petulance and childish behaviour any longer, I have actual children to raise.

I've just read the whole thread and it's triggered so many bad memories and realisations from my marriage.

Mischone you're doing the right thing by taking some time out, I hope you can find a way to resolve or escape your situation. That sense of calm you feel is because you've taken some control back, I'm still feeling it 4 years after kicking narc ExH out, it's amazing.

You have been through some real crap and I'm glad you've realised you don't have to go through any more. All the best for the future

He wants me to believe, that he believes, that all of this is about me acting out because I'm struggling with being postnatal and am overwhelmed with two children.. the eldest of whom has SN

So he is gaslighting you about your MH to make you doubt yourself, during a very vulnerable time when he knows you have injuries from giving birth to his baby, I don't know how you can get past that level of betrayal. Please get some counselling OP to deal with this, this man is an abuser and you should not have to deal with this alone.

I have counselling coming up, my first session will be within 5-6 weeks. It's through the NHS but because I'm postnatal I'm fast tracked and won't need to wait the usual 6 months. It's trauma focused because of my birth trauma but I'm sure it'll help as a whole.

He's beyond abusive OP.
He's deluded and actually quite dangerous.
He's already manipulated and lied to validate his version of reality, and he will keep doing it to keep the pretense going.

What will he do next - slip you sleeping pills unawares so he can then have 'proof' that your MH etc is adversely affecting the kids?
Rape you- to prove that you're 'making it all up'?

I think you know now that there's no going back to this 'relationship'.

I think he sees this as me throwing a wobbler, so he doesn't seem that bothered at the minute.

It's not that he isn't bothered 'at the minute'. Nothing about you ever bothers him, to be frank. No part of your experience or what you do or say concerns him at all.

It provides material for him to twist in order to make you feel invisible, unheard, uncared for. He is enjoying every minute of this. What he is getting out of this relationship is the chance to destroy another human being.

You could be diagnosed with cancer and he would be the same. He is dismissing everything you do and say as per usual.

This is gaslighting, a form of psychological torture.

Mischone your upcoming counseling may or may not help. Therapy for birth trauma is completely different from therapy aimed at peeling back layers of emotional and psychological torture and assessing the damage done to you from that. The therapist you talk to about the birth trauma may or may not have any experience or education in dealing with dangerous narcissists.

Please seek help from Women's Aid.
www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

If you phone them you will need to leave a message and contact number along with a good time to call you back.

You need therapy/counseling with a person who has experience, training and a deep interest in this area.

I'm sure you slept well at your DM's because you could. Someone mentioned up thread about not locking the door so disturbing your sleep because subconsciously you're worrying about your safety and that of your children. I think that could be so.