Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

I should think you've had more than enough to deal with - without adding all this crap on top. Don't take any blame for this situation - you didn't ask for any of this either, don't forget

What the fuck. Your husband is disgusting. Honestly I have no words.
All the best for your recovery OP. I had a 3rd degree tear, 3.5 litre hemorrhage and sepsis following the birth of my son. It was shit - I felt awful so I can really sympathise. Take care of yourself and you will feel better (it will just take time!).

Bloody hell. Nothing like a sex pest to make your nether regions turn into the Sahara desert. How incredibly unattractive - does he think you'll eventually give in through the pressure, or does he think acting like a creep is sexy?

Yuck. He sounds so selfish. Where is his concern for your feelings (and your health)?

If you know your partner is in pain, a normal reaction should be kindness, concern, sympathy. Continuous badgering for sex is not normal.

Your husband is an arsehole. I ended up with a prolapsed bladder and bowel after a forceps delivery gone slightly wrong 🙄 I was in physio from 4-12 months post partum. I think we probably had sex about 7/8 times in that first year.

(Prolapse is a massive thing to deal with - btw urethral prolapse can lead to the burning sensation you've described.)

My husband has never once pressured. He's been sympathetic, reassuring, has down his own bits of research on the topic etc. Everything has been on my terms.

I'm now nearly 19months pp, and we're just getting back into sex - although it has had to change, as certain positions are out. Is he going to pester you for the next year and a half? Grim. I can't imagine what I'd do in your situation. Be honest with him - graphic if needs be - and seriously consider whether you want a future with a man who shows such little consideration for you

ask him which bit of NO is he having trouble understanding?

Why don't you go and buy the largest marrow you can find and tell him to go shove it up his arsehole, and tell him that the pain he is feeling is only a fraction of what you have gone through?

What a disgusting selfish git.

Kaddm's text is pretty good - I say send that!

For me it was the whole area, but try that seeing as the cystitis test is coming up clear. Honestly I was miserable from it I was constantly uncomfortable.

During that time I had no sex and dh didn’t ask as he was so worried about me.

Wtaf is wrong with him? Utterly disgusting. I don't think I could stay with a man like that tbh.

Fucks sake. Your husbands behaviour is absolutely disgusting.

I couldn’t have sex without it being painful for a full 6 months after a giving birth due to some nasty internal tearing. It was upsetting for both me and my husband, we usually enjoy a healthy sex life and we missed the intimacy. However, my husband is not lacking in empathy and had no wish to have sex that was painful and unpleasant for me. I honestly think I’d have lost all desire for him if he’d been a dick about it. As it is, we’re thankfully back to normal now.

I’m sorry your husband is such a selfish prick op.

I really don't like the idea of telling him that the doctors have said no sex. What that basically does is validate his obvious opinion that your wishes are not enough. It's not good enough that you just don't want to have sex, you have to have a doctor's permission. It's like asking for a note from your mum to get out of PE. He needs to learn that if you don't want to have sex - whatever the reason - then that's that. It's off the table.

Your husband is an absolute arse. This is actually very abusive. You are healing, physically and mentally, from a traumatic experience and are currently living with birth injuries. Not only is he failing to support you, he is trying his very best to coerce you into sex at every turn. He knows you don't want to. He can't possibly be as dumb as he would have you believe. He's just not bothered whether or not you are enthusiastically consenting to have sex, as long as you go along with it that's good enough for him. What an appalling way to treat any woman, let alone your wife - the woman who has just given birth to your child. He is despicable and is sailing very close to the wind. This is a whisker away from coercion and marital rape.

For me, this relationship would be over, although I appreciate that's easily said when I'm not the one who shares a newborn with this man. If you want to give him a chance to rectify his behaviour, I think you need to sit him down and spell it out extremely clearly and EXTREMELY sternly. This is not a friendly chat. Tell him - in full detail - what has happened to you. Do not accept interruptions. Explain that your perineum has stretched and the flesh has torn open. Make sure he knows what your perineum actually is. That you were stitched up with a needle there. That your vagina stretched to many times it's normal size to allow the baby to pass through and that this takes time to recover from. That the sepsis that could have left your children motherless, has left you feeling weak and in need of recuperation. That on top of all this you are now suffering from a birth injury called a prolapse which means that some of your pelvic organs are now protruding down into your vagina. Tell him that YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. You are suffering from birth injuries that mean sex is not on the cards for the foreseeable future. Tell him that every time he sends a dirty text or a dick pic (boak) or exposes himself or tries to turn a cuddle into something more, he is sending a clear message that his needs are more important than yours. Which is despicable when his "need" is to have an orgasm and your need is to recover from all of the above. Tell him you will no longer tolerate this abusive behaviour and that if he doesn't stop trying to coerce you into having sex that you DO NOT WANT, the marriage will be over. And mean it.

Any response from him that is not immediate grovelling followed by a complete turnaround in behaviour is a sign that you need to think about whether this is the person you want to be committed to forever.

I'm sorry your husband is a fuckwit. Maybe show him this thread so he can see how disgusting his behavior is?
My husband also has a high sex drive. Never once asked for sex, blow jobs, hand jobs, or any sexual contact after either birth. He waited until I initiated. That is normal.

Ask him how he would feel if he had had to push an orange out of his dick so that it split and had to be stitched, so then part of the inside was falling out and whether he would feel like engaging in any activity that caused pain?

I cannot believe that he is being such a selfish sex pest at this time.

What a total idiot. Many women take months, some years before they feel well enough for sex after a traumatic birth. The whole 6 week check is a real problem I think as gives the idea that women should be up for it at this point!
Do not feel pressured. Give him a very very very detailed equivalent to what happened to you but relating to his penis. If that happened to him I don’t think he would be thinking about sex.

This made me want to cry.

Oh god I'm cringing so bad right now that this needed to be spelt out, but I've replied to his text (with the help of you lot - thank you for the suggestions)

This is what I've sent him. He's going to think I'm the most sarcastic woman going.

*Dear (DH). We need to talk. I have a medical problem. My bowel/uterus/bladder is falling down my vagina which I need physiotherapy for. It hurts a lot and has caused me to have severe stinging of the urethea most days. The urethea is in the vicinity of the part of my vagina that you want to interact with tonight. The last time we had oral sex my urethea was burning more than usual the next day, which you know.

Aside that, my perineum has stretched and the flesh has torn open. It needed to be stitched back together as you saw. I have sensitive scar tissue down below and scar tissue inside. My vagina stretched to many times it's normal size to allow the baby to pass through and is currently damaged, this takes time to recover from.

The sepsis that could have left your children motherless, has left me feeling weak, traumatised and in need of recuperation and abstinence.

Please confirm whether you understand this because currently I feel as though you think I should be back to normal sexually and perhaps don't fully comprehend the extent of the damage I have down below

I can't put myself through additional pain and discomfort to satisfy your urges, as much as I would love to enjoy sex and sexual contact it only causes me further pain at the moment and I would hope that after what you witnessed during the time we spent in hospital you would be understanding of the suffering I have endured giving you the wonderful (DD) that I have.

Be grateful we are alive and home, don't rush me. Thank you x*

He'll be home at 10, it'll be interesting to see how he responds to that

Good job op

Knowing him as I do, I predict him to come in wearing the perfect blend of offended and sheepish. We shall see!

Im glad I've got it off my chest. It has been simmering for weeks now. Had I not put something across soon it would have resulted in me pretty much exploding and telling him what he is being, in not so nice words.

Well done op

I’d text back similar to above posts - imagine you have just pushed out baby out of your bum hole having carried it and grown it for 9 months your bum hole torn and you have stitches and then a prolapse. Sec isn’t going to happen for the next couple of months whatever and maybe never. Because if send me another lewd text or grope me again or express any interest sexually - I will chuck you stuff and you out and tell everyone why. I have a human to take care of a new one as do you so get on with having a wank on your own (don’t notify me) actually try to be my best friend and father to your child rather than acting like a teenage boy. Oh and please d pic me again and I will forward it on no woman wants to see that and quite simply flashing me just reminds me that you are being an inconsiderate prick as well as shoving your unwanted prick in my face. Actually try looking after me

Saw your email well done - much more restrained than I would have been

This is not funny
He needs knocking in to the middle of next week.