Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

Jenny I am trying to navigate my way through a situation which essentially concerns DM and DB.
It is unfair to leave the all blame at my door because rightly or wrongly DB has been crap.

The strong feelings between him and DM have basically resulted in me being left me to look after her, deal with GP's, hospital visits, shopping etc etc (which I am happy to do). So yes whilst I accept he is primarily angry at her, at no point has he checked in to see how I am doing or whether I need any support.

I am offering an apology for any part I have had to play in not considering his opinion in care options but I will not take the blame for his relationship with DM.

What should have happened was to keep in mind that your dB had made a 6 hour round trip to discuss what was to happen would have been that you put to him that an “option” was for your dm to live with you and did he think that was a good idea and he could then have offered some financial help in the form of a cleaner or helper to come in a couple of times per week or pay for some shopping to be delivered weekly.

By your mother not presenting it as an option and more of a done deal there was no way for him to put his ideas in to the mix.

He probably knows dm doesn’t like him or his wife (you don’t sound like you do either) There might have been hours of discussion with his wife to see if they could do anything but it was dismissed before he could say anything.

I absolutely would NOT reimburse DB for the perceived value of the Annex on your mother's passing - if he thinks you are benefiting, he will continue to think that regardless of the real situation. You are putting yourselves out to host your mother. I'd just get on with it.

I think your emaill sounds really good. But yes, replace 'if' with 'that'. I made that mistake in an apology once, (unintentionally) and the recipient focused on that single word. It meant that they then didn't take in anything else I'd written.

"What do you mean IF?! You absolutely did - there's no IF about it. You're still not fully acknowledging...." etc etc.. is what I got back from them.

In my head, I did acknowledge my action completely. I don't know why 'if' had flowed better when I was writing the email, but it undermined everything else. I'm really careful now.

Yes have removed any reference to "if" and hopefully he will see my sincere wish to move forward

I don’t see what you have done that warrants an apology, your Mum has capacity and has made choices for herself, that isn’t your fault op ! All you have done is offer her a home, which it seems highly unlikely your brother would have done, given that he didn’t whizz over to see her when she was seriously ill.
Don’t take the weight of all this on yourself op, your brother needs to grow up ! Looking after an elderly and infirm parent is very stressful and time consuming. He should be grateful you are happy to do this, not acting like a spoilt small boy whose sister has been given more pudding.

That's exactly what DH thinks

However I want to maintain my relationship with DB so have to tread extremely carefully.

SirVix The OP and her mother invited DB down for a visit to discuss care options. He drove 3 hours and they said - this is what is going to happen. That is not okay. Don't pretend you are seeking input from someone when you have no intention of doing so.

Jenny, DB has been invited down numerous times since Xmas to discuss care options.

Are you saying if he had come down earlier that his opinion would have made a difference to what happened?

Quite possibly if he had other suggestions.

Frankly, having DM living in my garden is not something that's been on my life's bucket list!

I am not saying you want DM living with you. Just that if you say you want to discuss options with someone, then that is what should happen. If the reality is that - I have been talking to mum and we have decided that this would be best - then better just to be upfront about this.

I am well aware I am talking about my experience here. But seeing how DP and our family was constantly sidelined and ignored by his family and siblings then my view was that they had the good times with FIL, they could take responsibility for the rough times as well. No way after our family being ignored and sidelined was I going to accept any caring responsibility at all. And I have cared for a family member so do understand what it means.

And I doubt from what you posted that this is about money. I have heard fights between siblings based underneath on money and this one does sound as if it is about family dynamics.

Fully appreciate your comments Jenny, thank you. I have certainly had my eyes opened to the reality of what is happening.

The resentment and feelings of neglect underpin all other issues, of which money is just one.

I'm the sibling that lives away, while my brother is on the doorstep. Although he's managed to avoid having her live with him (she's in a care home after a massive stroke, and is physically helpless apart from being able to use her right arm and hand, so it was never an option - though she fought and fought to try and make him take her in), she still manages to make his life miserable. He has to go and see her every week while I go up every 4-6 weeks.

And yep, I feel guilty that he has the bulk of the burden (before she had her stroke she was very difficult to have nearby), so I try to back him up as much as I can. What I can do from home regarding anything that arises, I do. And when she's admitted to hospital I always go up (even though it's usually self inflicted - she's an alcoholic). Just so he knows he's supported.

The difference is of course, that if anything I'm the golden one (not by much, to be fair, but it's a case of her taking him for granted). If it was the other way around, like the DB in this story, I might not be so keen to dash up there.

though she fought and fought to try and make him take her in), she still manages to make his life miserable. He has to go and see her every week while I go up every 4-6 weeks
This sounds very unpleasant for everyone concerned why would she want to make him be a live-in carer if he doesn't want to?
Furthermore how can someone who can only move their right arm managed to control their son like that ....can't he just say no?

I can see this from both sides if I'm honest OP, but I do sympathise very much with your position.

We are in a similar situation to your DB, in that the rest of DH's brothers (3 of them) live on the doorstep to his parents, yet we are a couple of hours away. DH has tried very hard to engage with his DF and DBs but it's often a one way street. Decisions are quite often made and then we are told that this is the position... we are the only ones really that travel, the rest of the family do not, despite multiple invitations. Our kids are definitely treated as the second class citizens.
And it really hurts DH. In his case it has nothing at all to do with money, and everything to do with whatever he/we does almost being hidden due to the fact that he lives 'away'. In our case, there are other bigger issues at play (general family dynamics, rest of family being involved in family business etc etc) but it does upset him. He was close to his DM, but when she died a couple of years back the situation got markedly worse.

I wish you luck OP, sounds as though the situation is not at all of your making, but unfortunately you are caught up in it all.

I wouldn't have wanted either of my parents living in my garden either, so I wouldn't have done it. I'm quite surprised your dM is willing to let you make such a huge sacrifice and commitment indefinitely, possibly to the detriment of you and your relationship and life going forward. Is she happy with that? I would rather pay for taxis, cleaners, carers etc.
YOu and your DB have no responsibility at all for her care. Any help you provide is your choice. Do not resent your DB going forward because his life will likely be different than yours as a result of choices you each make. Think long and hard about your plan.i suspect the relationship with your DB will be the least of your stresses going forward experience

Sorry OP hijacking your thread a bit, but I would much prefer for my DP and our family to have been treated as truly part of the family, than have any amount of money. Knowing your father and siblings really don't care about you and your kids at all is pretty shit place to be.

Interesting to see some PP jump to absolute certainty that this is about money (with no evidence of that). I guess if that’s their first assumption it says something about how important money would be to them in this situation, above all else. Just find it intriguing as an insight into how strongly some people feel about money.

I can't understand people saying stay out of it. You're family. You don't witness such things and shut your mouth as if nothing happened.

Perhaps because in my culture, family would absolutely get involved in serious disputes like this.

I find this fascinating Sandy. Yes, family, but above all these people involved are all individuals with their own separate relationships to one another and own wishes and desires and thoughts. I don’t really understand the ‘family as an entity trumps all’ non-individualistic mindset. I’d like to think I’m a person in my own right first, capable of sorting out my own relationships with others without the input of other people I’m related to, before I’m part of a family. And that’s how I would treat others too. OP being family doesn’t mean she should be or is involved in this beyond having unfortunately witnessed it. But then again I’ve known too many families full of people who aren’t the nicest or sanest or calmest, who you certainly wouldn’t want interfering in your affairs just by virtue of being related.

I’m very much from an individualistic culture (white British) where I put the same value on ‘family’ as I do close friends, i.e. I wouldn’t expect more from a relative or take more shit from one than I would a friend, i choose whether or not to have someone in my life based on how they treat me and being related doesn’t change that. We all have our own lives and we’re close but respect we have no more say in or right to be involved in each other’s lives than anyone else. My OH is from a very family oriented culture (British Asian) and I’ve seen first hand what a nightmare it can be. Everyone full of opinions on what everyone else should be doing, the weight of huge expectations from others regarding what you should or shouldn’t be doing with your life, when there’s a simple disagreement between two people everyone else piles in interfering which usually just makes it ten times worse, you can’t keep anything private between you and one of his family without the very high chance it’ll be shared with others because ‘family’, we even had an awful incident recently where we told one sibling we were expecting our first child and asked them not to tell anyone else as we were doing it in person to everyone, only to find that by the time we went a few days later to announce they’d already been fucking told because the original sibling thought they knew best and took it upon themselves to spread the info before we got chance to.

I know which approach I prefer (though there must be examples where people manage to meet in the middle and value family ties while also managing to respect boundaries).

Sorry, bit of a diversion! It’s interesting. But I definitely agree OP should keep herself to herself and let her brother and mum handle this like the grown ups they are instead of meddling.

though she fought and fought to try and make him take her in), she still manages to make his life miserable. He has to go and see her every week while I go up every 4-6 weeks

This sounds very unpleasant for everyone concerned why would she want to make him be a live-in carer if he doesn't want to?
Furthermore how can someone who can only move their right arm managed to control their son like that ....can't he just say no?

Of course he said no. Everyone connected to them both told her it wouldn't work. It takes two carers and a hoist to do anything with her. And he lives in a tiny two bed bungalow with a toilet space which is barely wider than the cistern.

But she was screaming at him and badmouthing him to everyone who'd listen, for six months. It's complicated by them being co-owners of his (tiny) house, so she was able to make threats to him about what she would do with the other half of 'her' house. It was all really horrible for him. And to those who didn't know, it made him sound awful not letting her live in a home that is half hers.

Good Lord. If the DB in this scenario is stepping up to the plate and offering that him and SIL build an annexe and look after DM/DMIL then they have the right to feel rejected.
But otherwise I call Billy Bullshit. Carehomes cost thousands, eat up all inheritance - Staying with family costs time, money and being a carer is bloody hard work.
Irrespective of family dynamics (and I am black sheep prodigal daughter rather than golden child) anyone with common sense realises this - It's bloody unlikely he wants her to live with him so what is there to discuss? He should be grateful for what his sister has done all these years and what she will continue to do which enables him to live away, do his job and have minimal responsibility.
I say that as the black sheep of the family.

I sort of have this both ways in my future. I'm the DC who lives away, my sibling is close and my parents need a lot more help and care. I'm viewed as not being interested though I've offered to help out but as I'm not there I don't know practically what I could do. I'm left out of the loop with things but then get it in the ear when I make decision for my own DC and don't keep them in the loop. The relationships were never great beforehand and I've ended VLC with them all now. That said I also don't and didn't make demands to be involved in any decision making as the distance means I'm not the one any decision will impact.

On the other hand, BIL is the sibling that lives away so DH is likely to be the one involved with anything to do with ILs. Any care they may need will likely fall to us to begin with, again due to distance and practicality. BIL and DH have a very distant relationship so can really see these issues cropping up if ILs ever need to make a decision like this. BIL does have a good relationship with ILs so hopefully wouldn't feel left out by them. And hopefully he'd realise as his BIL is the sibling that lives away so they're less involved with his ILs care needs/help etc. etc.

Moving away doesn't stop a person from remaining in contact via phone/skype etc.
Despite knowing about it he didn't think to pick up the phone and chat to either of you about it prior to his visit.

at no point has he checked in to see how I am doing or whether I need any support
Well it's all about him and his feelings - and no doubt what he 'gets' out of it.
He expects to have a bond/relationship without making any effort.
Don't be vocally passive when it comes to the impact your mum's care has on you.
Yes, you do it out of love but it also affects your whole family and you make the sacrifices for it.
Personally, i wouldn't think DB is owed anything from your annexe when you and your family are providing the care.

You dont know what kind of relationship OP had had with her brother in the past. Picking up the phone to check out how OP is would require a reasonable level of existing relationship, and it does not seem as if that exists.

Actually from my perspective DB and I have had a pretty good relationship. We seem to have a great time during the times our families do get together although admittedly it does seem to be me that has to suggest and organise it.

He may well feel differently to me of course.