Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

whisky!

that sounds very messy, do you know how it worked out for the elderly person?

Not well!

They get minimal support from anyone now as a result. The siblings now don't believe anything they say either about the other siblings or their own health without checking with others because they also discovered they'd plain lied about a hell of a lot.

But you reap what you sow. They've only themselves to blame.

Having an ill parent is absolutely shit.

If it was me, I would get in the car with a bunch of flowers and drive up to visit them and try to sort it out, discuss all the options and decide together as a family what best to do for your mother.

It would be great to build bridges with your brother if your mother is ill.

This is not your fault but if it was me I would go to their house and try to make up. Dont be afraid to put out your hand to them, they sound very hurt. Good luck.

Op, you could be in denial about the difficulties and hurt your brother has faced. And about how your mother has been behaving over the years.

How much of a relationship do you have with brother and SIL, independent of your mother?

Bear in mind that you cannot know exactly how they think and feel. Which means you can't discount their reactions as u reasonable or cruel without knowing the full story.

It could be time to restart your relationship with them, get to know them properly and separate from your mother. Be open-minded and see what you have in common as people, not just as siblings.

This has been horrible, but it could be an opportunity for you to begin a new chapter with them.

But do not, whatever you do, try to act as a go-between for your mother.

Be aware OP that sometimes adult children rarely visit a parent for a good reason. I know my DH rarely visited his dad until he got very ill, because he always acted as if he did not care if DH visited or not and seemed totally uninterested in him and his kids.
And FIL was the world's worst for shit stirring in the family, usually in favour of the eldest prodigal son. But if you are the favoured one, it may be difficult to see what is really going on.

Whoever is talking about projecting, yes, you're probably all correct.

In my family's case, I have seen it happen several times (and among friends) - of course, even amongst family one doesn't always know the ins and outs of the close family relationships, but in general one has a feeling for it.

And in MY family's case, nearly always that sort of outburst would be about money. Not because my family is particularly well off, they aren't - far from it! - but money has been the overriding factor.

Now in the OP's case, it might be a "golden child vs. scapegoat" scenario. It might be a neglectful/emotionally abusive mother. Or it might just be that the SIL is worried they'll miss out on their "fair share" of the inheritance.

You are all right - we can't know exactly, so we all tend to "project" from our own personal experiences.

Agree that the sil should have kept out of this. My brother and sister and I are currently supporting my dad through what is now end-of-life care and things have been difficult for the last couple of years. We have an unwritten rule that it is for the three of us to decide what happens (in consultation with our dad), and that our spouses, whilst supportive of and I formed by is) keep a back seat. (This came about after sil stepped way out of line when dm was dying).

I think there could be an element of truth in the treatment of the other grandchildren. I've seen it in my own family. Grandmother and daughter bond when daughter has children is particularly strong. The bond with a daughter in law isn't the same and is often unwanted to the same extent as her own mother. Think of all the 'interfering mil' posts on here!

What an awful situation op xxx

This sounds a bit mercenary however I often wonder in these scenarios if the person doing the caring should be paid by the parent they are caring for. If the OPs DM had to go into a home it would cost £££ and she would potentially be unhappy. It would obvs be preferable for her to stay with her daughter.

This seems a very fair way to do it and additionally starts to protect assets in regards to care home fees later on.

OP it's interesting to me that you accept your DM is "no angel", that you confirm your DC are treated differently and yet you're still very quick to agree with posters suggesting this is about money, seemingly without any evidence of that.

The thing with being the golden child is it's not your fault, it's rarely a role someone chooses (although in some circs they enable it).

Take an honest look at how your DM treats your brother. Also imagine if one of your DC moved away in adulthood would you really use that as an excuse to visit left.

Your DB potentially have many years of a potential relationship ahead of you. Do you really want to be NC?

I know we all project, but an outburst like you describe OP really does not sound about money. I do think in general it is an easy option to say it is about money as that puts the blame squarely on your brother and SIL.

This may have been the final straw for your brother. Maybe he didn’t come up when your mum was ill because he felt excluded/you’d taken over? It’s clear from your post that your mum has always favoured you and your kids, and now that she’s moving in with you he probably sees it as her outwardly and openly choosing you over him. Please don’t invalidate his or his wife’s experiences and feelings. Just because you haven’t experienced what they have doesn’t make them wrong - their relationship with your mum is totally difference to yours. And the fact your SIL has/had mental health issues is totally irrelevant.

Sadly it is inevitable that as you & your family live locally, your Mum will be closer to you. I saw this & understood it with my parents, they did lots of stuff with my DB & SIL & family, but they lived nearby, were happy to babysit, & the support was mutual & I live in another country.
I do think your DB has felt 2nd best, but he has done little or nothing to improve the situation, & only coming down to visit after a month proves it. & this was to check how this would work out financially
Who does he think was dealing with your Mum while he was sat at home all w/e or after work ?
Finances will be involved in this, seeing as you "benefitting". Although caring for a sick elderly parent is no small order,
Does he (or in reality SIL) want to nurse your elderly mother ? would they be able to build or have her in a wheelchair, would SIL have to give up work? They hardly know each other, would she/they be prepared to bed bath her, forgo holidays, make special meals at different times?
I would email DB with these questions, or ask what other solution he can offer ? & say, you are sorry he has these issues, but SIL should not be keeping out of the dynamic

I am now going to stay out of it. DB and DM have spoken briefly since.

I am just trying to do what is best for all concerned and desperately trying to hang onto relationship with DB.

You criticise your DB for not being involved but when he makes the 3 hour journey "primarily to discuss care options" it turns out that it had all been decided by you and your DM.

Even worse, you've decided that he should "take some responsibility for DM's care" even though he was given zero input into what form that care should take.

You've admitted that the accusations he made about your DM could well be true and that she can be difficult. You've also said that she has form for 'overlooking his emotional needs'. And to the accusation that your DM loved your children more than his, the best example that you can give to counter this is that she put money in their savings accounts.

And rather than stay to discuss the issues that were raised your DM's response was to walk out, despite being 'barely able to walk'.

If you want your relationship with your DB to survive, the last thing you should be doing is emailing to tell him that he needs to take on some of the responsibility for your DM's care. Being presented with a done deal is exactly what triggered this whole outburst.

Put the ball in his court. Ask him for his opinion on what should happen next with regards to repairing some of the damage. Explain that you understand that he is likely to need a bit of time to process things but that you would like to build a new relationship with him when he is feeling up to it.

"If anyone on here thinks that someone who is landed with the care of elderly parents is “the golden child”, then they’re seriously deluded." Actually as someone not only from a toxic family but who also worked in elderly care for many years that's exactly what I've seen happen

I've no doubt that this is the case, but it's isn't exactly 'golden' wiping up the urine and dealing with dementia and taking out an elderly infirm person, either, is it? There's nothing golden about elderly people care, it just has to be done. Usually it's done by women, as unpaid labour or paid out to outsiders in care homes. It is almost never done hands on by men who stay in p/t, unpaid roles to do so. Caring is literally the most thankless task, it is poorly paid, and a majority of carers end up isolated and depressed. That's why men don't want to do it, in the main.

I can see the OP may have had more contact with the DM but short of abandoning her and visiting once every six months and not even after a hospital stay, how is it to be evened up? Is it even her responsibility to do so?

OP, I would stay out of the main relationship between your DM and brother. Don't discuss each other with each one. You are the one prepared to do the care. I find it highly unlikely he came all that way to offer the same level of care (in fact would bet money on it). If they have a poor relationship then there may be fault on both sides, or it may be accidental as they live a long way away and rarely visit. Leave them to work that out whilst continuing to support your mum the best you can by moving her to live by you. Whether you were the golden child in the past is irrelevant- the years ahead won't be golden for you personally even if you are happy to step up to the plate when it matters.

@Nearlyalmost50
Indeed! Treating one of your offspring as a golden child is clearly a long-term bait and switch strategy, butter them up to keep them on side when the goings good and then they feel obliged to be the one to do the menial grinding thankless task of elder care when things get rough

Ginup I totally agree with you. It is clear why the brother and SIL reacted the way they did.

Have you phoned your brother and asked "What was all that about yesterday? Do you want to talk about it?"

Really difficult to get DB on the phone. Have drafted an email apologising if I have overlooked his thoughts, feelings or input. That was never my intention and moving forward hope that we can start again to review all options. (He then has the opportunity to decide how much and what help he can/wants to offer.)

I am staying firmly out of his relationship with DM (as thought I always had) but have apologised if I had in anyway contributed to the situation.

Told him how important he is to me and I love him very much.

Hope this will go some way to starting again...not much more I can do

Whosorrynow yes, it could be caring out of genuine affection, it could be FOG induced guilt caring. Either way, being a carer of anyone is a hard task and not shiny and bright in any kind of a way.

Have drafted an email apologising if I have overlooked his thoughts, feelings or input.
Sorry OP but that is not really an apology. The "if" makes it sound as if you don't really think you have, but are saying this to smooth things over.

I suspect what would go down far better is saying - I am sorry that you were presented with something already decided, rather than getting your input before we all made a decision together. Because this is what you did.

blackcat2345 I think your Email sounds the correct thing to do.

We have a similar situation going on between SiL & DP, regarding my PiL and it has turned nasty with threats and allsorts. It is truly a shit position to be in & has made sorting end of life care and the final months much harder & distressing than they need to be.

DP has been nothing but open, up front and honest. Whilst making the best interests of PiL his priority, he has been there practically & emotionally. Unfortunately, this has not been reciprocated from his Sister who has covered things up & pushed to control the situation to only benefit herself. She has always been the favoured child, but I think her moving away has changed the dynamics, which she is struggling with.

My advice would be to be as open as humanly possible, have witness to discussions when your brother is not there & be totally upfront. Pass on all the information you have so as not to give him recourse further down the line. Take legal advice before making any big financial decisions, keep good financial records of any of your DM's outgoings which you have involvement in. This is where we are at, it's not nice but you have to protect yourself.

OK so from what you say it's clear that DB has been emotionally neglected by his main care giver. This is the issue and it is a MASSIVE one. If there are any money issues then they will be very much dwarfed by this.

I would extend to him a shed load of empathy if I were you.