Horrific family fallout

[blackcat2345]

So I have just been witness to a tsunami of resentment and anger aimed at DM from DB and SiL,

To cut a long story short DB lives 3 hours away and rarely makes trip down to visit DM or us. DM now has care needs and one of the serious options is her coming to live with me which is 30 mins away.

So DB and his family have been here this weekend, primarily to discuss care options and also to visit DM who was seriously ill last month.

So when we were altogether we DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution.

Well that totally opened the floodgates. SiL started crying and said how upset she as her and DB are seem as the 'poor relations' and how I am favoured over DB. "She has always loved your children more than ours". Really brutal stuff.

DB then launched into what can only be described as a full on rant at DM recanting every 'misdeamour' and wrong doing over the last 20 years.

DM was utterly pole axed and just walked out.

DB turned tail immediately afterwards and left with his family.

I am left here wondering just WTF to do and utterly shocked by what happened.

Hmmm. I've just re-read your OP, and.. 'So when we were altogether DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution'.

To me, that was giving an opening to your DB to give some input/ideas of his own, but he chose to use it to launch his tirade.

If him and SIL to think that caring for an elderly parent is 'being favoured over them' they are having a laugh; it might be 'nice' at first, but it often becomes a relentless nightmare of hospital appointments, falls, UTIs, increasing physical and mental frailty, and everything else that goes with an elderly person becoming dependent on others for all their needs.

It's good that you want to keep the peace with your brother, but what are the other options in terms of your mum's care? Does he want to have your mum live with him, and all that entails? Not every family has a Golden Child// black sheep scenario. He and SIL could choose to be grateful that you're offering to look after her.

charley50 I may be wrong, but I read it very differently. If my mum and sister said that my mum was going to move in with my sister, what do I think - how can I realistically disagree? There is nowhere to go with that.

@charley50 I have seen it from both sides. A relative of mine who loved me and my family very much and that I cared for, and DHs father who gave not a shit about him and our family and that we did not care for. I would choose the first every option every single bloody time. It hurt me so much seeing how hurt DP was by his father and siblings indifference to him and his family. Caring is hard yes, but love is more important.

NearlyAlmost50 yes caring is tough, but you seem to think by saying it's usually the "golden child" that this means those of us who've noted it's often the gc that does it, that it's seen by the gc as a "prize" nobody even suggested that! It's entirely possible that the parent does though! It's the parent that defines which child has which role, sets the tone for the family dynamic. Usually for their own ends or repeating their own poor parenting or a combination.

Being a "golden child" is just as damaging and abusive as being the "scapegoat" but in a different way. They have unreasonable expectations placed on them too.

"Furthermore how can someone who can only move their right arm managed to control their son like that ....can't he just say no?" There speaks someone with no experience of toxic family. The children in such families had been emotionally trained over decades resulting in them being mired mentally in FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Umpteen threads on here (mainly mil ones, but not solely) that discuss these dynamics in depth. Including an ongoing support thread "but we took you to stately homes" that title referring to the common defence of these emotionally abusive parents being that there was no overt financial or obvious appearance of neglect/abuse. Control is rarely predominantly physical, it's far more often psychological.

Op good you've sent that email without the "if" which would have sounded like a non apology.

Keep lines of communication open and don't get dragged into the dispute between mother and brother because you've admitted you don't necessarily know the full facts plus it's between them.

I do think it was out of line to present the decision as a fait accompli but it's done now.

Going forward involve your brother wherever possible and don't take sides in any dispute between them. Hard I know, but you could well need brothers support further down the line and you've admitted mum can be difficult.

Charley50

I think the conversation

So when we were altogether DM said she had considered options and we (her and I) had agreed living here (in the absence of options offered by DB) seemed a sensible solution

Was a conversation between op and her dm before dB arrived.

DB comes down to discuss the way forward and dm tells him that it had already been sorted.

He never got the chance to say anything

Again, yes he did Oliver - opportunity has been there for over 6 months.
Doesn't excuse the way it was presented but he knew full well for a long time that options needed to be discussed and promptly.

I've sent the email, wonder how quick a response I'll get

I’m sure you are genuine as genuine, but before committing to care full time for your mum, consider very very carefully, especially if she is moving in with you.
I cared for elderly disabled aunt who was independent lady, although with care needs when she came to live here. It was progressive hell as her mental health declined. My brother lives less than 3 miles away, but came to see her only once a week, maximum, and only then under pressure! She was generous in her will, but I’d swap the 4 years of hell as a carer for the ‘extra’ I was left in her will. Be mindful that people change.
I would suggest that your brother is feeling a bit of guilt at not helping with care needs, and is worried about inheritance.

Well, DB and SiL have certainly guaranteed that they'll never have to provide f/t care for Mum, haven't they? She'll certainly never want to live with them after this brou-ha-ha.

I'd say 'Mission accomplished' for them then, isn't it?

And re sons 'never' caring for parents: My DB (unmarried & retired) moved in and cared full time for our mum until her dementia got so bad that it was simply unsafe even with him there as she started wandering outside in the middle of the night and calling 911 about 'strangers in the house'.

You're partly responsible for this. You didn't prioritise speaking to DB. You presented him with a plan you'd already agreed with your DM and that plan involves part of the proceeds of your DM's house sale being used to enhance/add value to your property. Most siblings would be blind-sided by all this.
You mention that when they spend Christmas with DM, they don't spend it with you. They are obviously trying to carve out a relationship with their DM without your interference and your proposed care solution doesn't take that into account at all.

FWIW, OP... YANBU in any way.

Your DB has had at least 6 months to make suggestions about future care and many years to visit and see your DM and forge closer relationships.

It happens. My DH lives 4 hrs from his DM and his DB lives 2 mins away from her. Of course they are closer, of course they see their DC more frequently and of course their relationship is different. We don't resent his DB and SIL as we are delighted they can be there when we cannot. If your DB cared as much as he implies he'd be visiting much more often.

MY DH loves his DM but simply don't see them as much due to them having commitments and us having commitments. We don't want their money and we are happy for anyone that supports them to have it. You see, I actually do think it is about the inheritance. Money does odd stuff to families.

Suspect there is more background. Is there property/savings involved. If neither of those apply then ignore DB and SIL. Go with what your DM wishes.

I see this thread clearly split between those that have an idea of what it's like to be the black sheep and then a whole lot of posters who have no clue as to what life can be like.

That's a big assumption. As one PP said a lot of posters on here are projecting, and that goes both ways (the number railing about the OP as the "Golden Child!)

We don't really know the truth of the dynamics and there's equally a lot of assuming that everything SIL says is true.

It does often happen that when couples have kids they tend to be physically and emotionally closer to the maternal PILs, as has clearly happened here too. I know more than one family where the DB has moved away and SIL much prefers her parents to his and so a distance (physically and emotionally) grows because of that, not because of anything the MIL has or hasn't done nor because the daughter is the "Golden Child".

The reality is we don't know this family and don't know the dynamics. So those assuming it's money or assuming it's Black Sheep v Golden child and castigating OP as if they know her should maybe both check themselves.

Sounds to me you have a closer relationship with your mum than she does with your brother and it sounds as if your relationship could have excluded him over the years.

Hence why they have seen less of your mum over the years.

I say this as a similar situation is playing out in my husband’s family. The sister is such a princess and sadly monopolised the mother and excluded my husband.

It happens sadly.

I would probably take some time to think what might have happened over the years to make him feel excluded.

It is never all the fault of the person who had had the outburst. Often much more behind it all

If your DB cared as much as he implies he'd be visiting much more often.
You don't know that at all. OP herself said her mum can be difficult. DP rarely visited his father because every time he rang to visit, his father always said he was too busy. After his death, a sibling had a go at DH for not seeing his father more. The sibling was totally unaware of why that is as DH is very anti gossiping.

There can be many reasons for not visiting a parent beyond not caring.

I also agree that DB seems to be trying to have a relationship with his mum without his sister always being there. If you and your family are always sidelined, it is always totally a waste of time visiting a parent with the "golden child" present as you just get totally ignored.

Obviously strangers on the internet do not understand what is actually happening in OPs family. But IME family dynamics are usually far more complex than surface appearances.

@motherofcats No we don't know the dynamic at all. But I suspect it is a damn site more complex than just about money or who cares the most as some have implied.

And re sons 'never' caring for parents I wouldn't say never, of course there are men out there who care but they are in the minority, they do fewer hours and they work more outside the home when they do care. The majority of carers, whose life and career are affected by caring are women. That's what the stats show and I've seen it in my own family- men stepping up to make care decisions, the odd day if everyone is taking their turn, but very rarely the day to day in and out of daily care for an elderly person. If the DB in this situation could offer something concrete, great, it would be a shame for that not to be one the table. But mostly there aren't huge amounts of men offering themselves as pretty much sole carers because it's a thankless task- the OP should definitely think through how this would be handled if the mum needed more care over the years- one person can't do everything.

I feel for you OP. My mother went through similar. Brother and sister got married and moved away with families ( 40 mins journey max). There was huge difference in age between mum and them. Grandad had 3 strokes and then died. Neither sibling bothered to offer help. My mum at the age of 18 had to work and help gran who also had heart problems. They always moaned how they were not rich bla bla. All kids were treated the same as well as all grandchildren apart from the fact that gran moved next door to us so mum can help out. When gran died, the hell broke loose. They wanted a 1/3 share of the sale of the property each even though they never looked after gran, took her doctors or even invited her for Xmas. I remember uncle dropping food off, putting it by her door and ringing the bell. They were dragging mum through courts. It was hell. They were never wronged by their parents, they were though very greedy, demanding, always dissatisfied with everyone but themselves and their new families. Nobody likes them, family or not. I could tell hundreds of stories.

I hope you can sort stuff out with your brother or just stay clear. Sounds like SIL is fueling your brothers bad behaviour and sounds very spiteful and money orientated ! Good luck

Firstly, I am so incredibly sorry for all you are coping with. The situation with your mother's health must be heartbreaking, as well as a massive and probably increasing burden to shoulder going forward. Really tough thing to be coping with, in and of itself. To have this mess with your brother, and the wider family relationships, at the same time is just a morass of awful, and I send so much sympathy and the biggest of unMumsnetty hugs.

I have nothing wise or clever to add to the posts here, which have been pretty insightful I think, on both sides of the aisle. But I do want to say that you sound sane and loving and kind, and I'm impressed by your refusal to take sides or see either as a villain.

I think what it comes down to is you and your dc have had a very different mother/grandmother to your brother and his children.

And you’ll never see his perspective. Not really. Because your experience has been different.

@Oliversmumsarmy Sun 23-Jun-19 20:48:09

Are you the SIL!?

@jennymanara yes I agree, that's why I also said that those saying it was just about money were making assumptions.

I think that is perfect!
And now you can turn it over to him and let him decide what he wants and what kind of relationship he wants with you.You are in such a tough position and I'm so sorry.I truly hope it works out for you and your brother🤗

I'm the SO of a DB who was 'the one' who put as much distance as he could between himself and his Mother after a crap childhood and teenage life spent being treated as the co- general factotum with his DB for the every whim, emotional need and physical need of a romantically 'abandoned' and 'needy' Mother with serious issues around being 'made proud' and 'what other people thought.'

His DB stuck around (10 mins down the road and no partner that lasted for more than a cursory meeting with DM) for a further 10 years of emotional rinsing under constant and covert threat of disinheritance, floods of tears, constant scorn and condescension and a surprising amount of unfavourable comparison with my SO his DB.

My SO got exactly the same on the phone every time he called (dutifully once a week) to enjoy his weekly litany of complaint, disappointment, thinly veiled guilt and entreaties to 'make her feel loved'.

The crafty old baggage was in the meantime threatening both with various themes on favouritism and disinheritance, but doing so in carefully controlled vacuums of contact and power. Neither knew the other was being abused. Both thought she favoured the other.

We moved back to the country two years before her very unexpected and sudden demise from pancreatic cancer.

What took place was the most harrowing six months of emotional manipulation enacted on two siblings that I have ever directly witnessed beyond my own with my bipolar Mother's crazy hatred for my brother and I being close.

Both siblings were shocked to discover the length and extent of her playing off one against the other, both thought the other was favoured, both thought the other was held in high regard, both had been treated with utter contempt and emotionally manipulated to the extent that it is well within the definition of abuse.

One brother, my SO stood up to her and called her on her abuse, at the hospital she asked him to cut off his long hair and give it to her so she could have a wig made from it, the nurses laughed thinking she was making a joke, they stopped laughing when they saw her face and realised she was one hundred percent serious. That was but one of her insane demands. (she hated his long hair, cried over it)

The other brother, his DB took an emotionally closed down, passive road to dealing with her shit, he essentially treated her the way you might a live bomb that was attached to a case full of money. He tolerated her every abusive comment, her endless outrage at being the one dying and quietly accepted the full length and breadth of her spite. Daily, for six months in his home.

My SO was disinherited utterly, that in itself was an intricate and staged drama that led to him having to make his own will leaving everything to his DB in the weeks before her death and then discovering after all those demands that she had left him with nothing. Her last laugh you may think, not quite.

My SO and DB had fraternal relationship to the point that DB had only taken ownership of her home ( in her last weeks) on the agreement that the solicitor wrote a codicil onto the acceptance that gave my SO a half share. The solicitor approved.

She never knew and the solicitor kept it from her having been party to her madness and he was quite within his legal rights to allow my SO's DB to accept her 'gift' on his own legal terms without her knowing what they were.

She died not knowing that one of her two sons had divided everything she gave to him equally with the brother that she tried to sow seeds of acrimony with through their entire life. Both brothers are now free, close again and getting over the pain she caused as adult siblings who love each other.

The good part about that decision was made clear by the extremely jaw dropping discovery that followed her death. Remember this poisonous little old lady was a regular doyenne of the local chapel and EVERYTHING was about appearance with her.

My SO and his DB went through her papers together and discovered that they had both been left a life changing sum of money (over £60,000 EACH) when they were in their mid twenties by their aunt. Their Mother had also received £60,000 for herself and being executer of the aunt's will and had received a letter from the solicitor asking for the signatures of both brothers in order to release their inheritance cheques to the address of the 'executer' (hers).
She cheerfully forged the signatures of both her sons, received both cheques according to the paperwork and proceeded to forge their names again on those cheques in order to secretly put them through her bank account and thus she enjoyed a lavish life of overseas trips, lunches and designer blouses for church funded by the inheritance of her sons.

She did this whilst lambasting both for the next decade for not measuring up and occasionally lending small sums to each secretively on sufferance of not telling the other and then demanding payment back with guilt and complaint about having to lend and variations on the theme of 'Your brother is doing so much better than you/is better than you/would never need to ask me for this' ( the most either borrowed was £1000 for a car or deposit on a rental flat)
Having discovered this lovely bit of news about their demanding, self righteous, chapel going, horror of a Mother, both decided her long winded and particular demand for a teak coffin, three large funeral cars, pall bearers under 40 ( their friends) and a three venue funeral and cake fest for 100 church going local chapel going women, was not going to happen.

She was summarily dispatched in a cardboard eco box, I was there, it is a thing. One brother wore a rock T shirt, the burial was private. They did cake on her birthday along with a memorial service at her chapel for the sake of the chapel going village oldies who believed she was a splendid Mother but didn't get to be at the burial because frankly none of us could stomach listening to the lies painting her white.
The moral of this story for me is as follows.
Love your siblings, their presence lasts long after the shenanigans, secrets and emotionally abusive crap of a mentally cruel and or divisive parent are done.
Plus it's nice to share inheritance as well as bad memories with someone who you can laugh as well as cry with about stuff Mom or Dad did.

She died shortly afterwards.