Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

His issues won't be anything to do with you so don't feel bad. You have to work out whether you like him enough to persevere and get to the root of the problem and if he's worth it, or to walk away. He may not ever be able to sort it out and you have to bear that in mind.

I just feel at a loss and don't know what to do.

Sometimes I am able to almost make him cum, but then suddenly everything just dies and it doesn't happen. This has been going on for ages. :( I can feel us both running out of steam over it, but especially him as he is now shutting off from intimacy completely.

5 months in honestly I think you have given it a fair try. Just break up with him - that's what you do.

It isn't going to get any better. You can like him as much as you want but this relationship is going nowhere so don't bother trying.

I have no idea what is going on with him but I guarantee you it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him - issues he has to sort out himself. Even if he happens to not find you that attractive - that's on him too. Why is he going out with you?

And 5 months in if someone was having to give me very specific instructions on how to please him sexually (absent a medical condition) I'd be moving on anyway. I'd like a bit of mutual explosive passion at that early stage.

Maybe take a bit of time out, two days away from him and see how you feel after. Do you really miss him or do you feel relieved to have some space, you don't need to tell him you need a break. Unless you really connect with him in other ways or are very much in love I would end it.

If it's not a health issue, it's quite likely that he has desensitised himself by masturbating to porn. Either way, he's not your problem to fix.

pallisers - :( I've never had someone give me specific instructions in bed before. It just feels mental to me?

RE attraction I don't know. When we first met he was all over me, checking me out often & clearly really into me. But once we got past the heavy petting/clothes off stage things went downhill.

Obviously he does make me cum every time but not being able to please him is taking a toll on me. I feel naked and vulnerable. Yes we REALLY connect in important ways. I didn't connect with my ex in these ways at all and the sex was off the charts. Why is there no justice in the world fs??

BTW the foreplay & makeout sessions are really sexy/passionate. But once I get near his dick...I can stimulate him for a while but nothing really happens in the end. What can the problem be?

Any number of things, none of which are your responsibility to fix. He might have some trauma from abuse in his past, he might be a porn addict, he might have a health issue...whatever it is, it really is up to him to get it sorted out.

He'll destroy your self esteem - sounds like your previously healthy self esteem is already crashing and burning.

You can't save this guy. Save yourself.

Eventually you will feel too self-conscious to even orgasm yourself. It sounds like he knows it's an issue, but if he's not going to get past giving you 'instructions' and be honest, there's nowhere else to go.

Well, my self esteem is generally pretty good (took a long time to get there though), but this is starting to affect it. I must admit I am bugged that he might think it is my fault for not being able to please him...which I might have shared if it wasn't for being able to please every other bloke I've been with.

I feel more compatible with him in several other ways than those guys but at the same time sex is important to me!

End it. Tomorrow. It's clearly not working for either of you.

So many depressing posts on MN about relationships with no sex, relationships with crap sex. Don't be one of those.

I made a joke about how 'I'm not used to being given such specific instructions in bed' in a light hearted way and he didn't say much.

The last time we were together he seemed very upset, saying 'It all started out so well...' - as in, we were having sex but he couldn't maintain it. He looked crushed actually.

The really sad thing is that everything else is great in the RL. So romantic, tender and loving in every way.

Well, maybe he needs to have another promising relationship crash and burn before he decides to get some help. I really think you're done here.

If the sex is a chore from the start it will continue to be so.

Sounds very much like death grip to me

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death-grip

He needs to lay off the wanking to porn!

If I'm right he's desensitised himself to anything but how he particularly masturbates.

Unfortunately increasingly common in younger men. The ridiculously easy access to porn and them not self regulating themselves with masturbation which leads to these sort of problems.

OP is your DP taking Citalopram? If he is then could explain some of the performance issues

Whether you dump him or not, do him a favour and tell him the truth about this being a problem and very off putting.

Whether he admits to you to excessive masturbation or not he knows the truth and if he wants to enjoy a decent sex life other than with his own hand he needs to address this.

What I can't figure out is WHY it's a chore?? The chemistry was great since day 1, he seems so into me, then it's just a....flop.

I haven't had an issue like this with a bf since I was a teenager, it's really thrown me through a loop. I feel like I've been trying everything to make it happen and now I'm a bit annoyed that he isn't being more pro-active himself.

Without wanting to sound too cheesy, it's not about you. It's him.

Does he use a lot of porn?
I read this is a factor of men who are using a lot of porn material.

It’s his issue not yours! Don’t take it on and think that it’s you.

Have you asked him why? I was thinking the same as the previous poster 👆🏼 He’s probably watching too much porn and wanking too much!

I think you just don't fancy each other enough. Move on to someone who does it for you. I'm betting it won't take too long!

OccidentalPurist - oh I definitely fancy him enough! Seriously...maybe a bit too much info....but after my last break up I COMPLETELY lost my sex drive. When we met, it 100% woke up again. Seriously, we can't keep our hands off each other, in or out of the bedroom. It feels really bizarre that we seem so hot for each other but it doesn't translate?!

He's not mentioned porn & I'm reluctant to broach it, but if I decide to stay with him I'll have to I think...