Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

5 months is nothing. Just end it. I’m not sure what the dilemma is. He is crap in bed and you are not sexually compatible. Why bother?

He has some form of erectile disfuntion and likely needs to see his gp. You and I and most women on here know this inability to maintain an erection isn't normal for this age of man, so he either has something physical wrong or it's mental.

It's not death grip if he fails to maintain an erection, it's some for of ED. And he knows something is wrong with him and that's why he's upset. He wants to perform and can't. This may be all his adult life and nothing to do with uou, so I wouldn't worry it was you, I think he knows full well it's him,

It's not death grip if he fails to maintain an erection.

Why do you say that, Bluntness? AFAIK, that's exactly the consequence of being so accustomed to a particular kind of self-stimulation (usually with accompanying visuals which won't bear much resemblance to real-life sex).

This happened to my partner when we first met, turns out it was low level general anxiety/performance anxiety based, we agreed he would go to his GP and six weeks of CBT later things were completely different!!!
It worked for us because we talked about it openly, everything else was so so so good so I felt I wanted to stick around and see if we could work through it and ultimately he recognised it was his issue to deal with.
I did find it hard when it was happening though, and I definitely understand when you say you just want a good hard shagging! He needs to open up to you - I think if my partner had shut down things might have been different but I am so so glad we got through it it together. Talk to him OP outside of the bedroom but this is, ultimately, something he needs to deal with.

Have you tried getting him to jerk off in front of you to see his technique then you'll know if it's the death grip. Maybe he's just nervous

If everything else is perfect look into sex therapy.

Has he been single for a while? Some men can so used to how the masturbate themselves that normal sex is no good anymore. You have to start again and take genitals off the menu.

I feel sorry for the poor lad. He must be going through hell. I doubt he is gay and I doubt he is addicted to porn. His problem most likely revolves around performance anxiety. Sadly, this can be a downward spiral — he loses erection once, and then the next time he tries to have sex he starts panicking about it, and loses his erection again. He will be feeling totally distraught. The long-term solution (if you don't dump him) is frank and open communication, but in the meantime take advantage of the wonderdrug Viagra, which should sort him out in no time. Have a chat to him about it, and, if he's open to it, head to your local chemist to pick up some pills. I suspect that after a few successful fucks with Viagra, his confidence will be fully restored, and he will no longer need it.

Yes, I've had asked him to jerk off in front of me until he cums, because it takes the pressure off me to begin with. Each time he does this, he just gives up half way through and wants me to take over. And once I do...guess what...he doesn't cum and goes soft soon after. His grip is pretty firm I'd say.

Littlehouse the dilemma is I've fallen for the guy! Never easy making a decision to end it when your heart is involved.

I'll talk to him this week. I've thought about suggesting Viagra but worried that would destroy him further!

"If he wanted to address it, he'd have done it already."

That's just not true. It can take some people many years to confront their problems or to find a solution.

Have you tried getting him to jerk off in front of you to see his technique then you'll know if it's the death grip. Maybe he's just nervous

WTF - if he wasn't nervous before he certainly will be then!

I feel sorry for the poor lad.

Funny that cause I feel sorry for Op.

It can take some people many years to confront their problems or to find a solution.

Exactly. How many years of this will op have to take. What state will her confidence and self esteem be in by then?

She may even end up cheating - for some normal, satisfying sex and to recover confidence. That's what happened with me; I told the man in question and we finished (admittedly it was a short ish relationship).

And of this goes on for years it will affect her having a family naturally or at all.

*if

in the meantime take advantage of the wonderdrug Viagra, which should sort him out in no time.

It's an idea.

Though how fucked up that a prime pick f life 26 year old young man should have to be popping Viagra to have sex with you.

This isn’t a dilemma OP, it’s a “no brainer” to run for the hills. Having feelings for someone isn’t reason to stay in a (short) relationship when there’s a big problem like this.

I’m amazed at this. Everyone has jumped to the issue being porn, but seemed to completely glossed over the hit to his confidence that OP mentioned in the first post.
A man’s ability to maintain an erection with someone else is very much tied to his confidence. Hence the reason viagra can get people out of a rut; erection not there = confidence down. Confidence down because couldn’t get an erection = erection not coming back. Lil blue pill makes election happen, confidence starts to improve. Win.
It is likely that he has a preferred technique to masturbate, and most likely it could be to his chosen porn. But that is also judgement and pressure free.
As some of the posters here have helped show, for men sex is a performance with a pre determined outcome. If it doesn’t work out, particularly for a young guy, it can destroy your confidence.

My DP had issues ejaculating when we first met. I think it went on for the first couple of months and I remember feeling so deflated every time, I thought I was doing something wrong. He’d been long term single and I think he had ‘death grip’ tbh (google it). Could be the same with your boyfriend.

If you’re otherwise really into him, you need to be honest and open with him about how this is affecting you. If you’re not really that bothered then leave him.

what graphista says. Have you asked him about his porn and masturbation habits?

Sex problems in a relationship are a nightmare - and very rarely solved - sadly. I doubt you are ready to end it now, but just be careful of getting pulled down into this and if he once suggests it's your fault - get out quick.

Maybe send him some info on death grip and over use of porn and ask him if he thinks this is it.

He he replies - yes it is - then you can try to work on it. If he says no - I would be of the opinion he is likely lying (sorry- but I absolutely think this is the problem) - then you have nowhere to go.

You have to be gentle but bold and strong. Give him an opportunity to address it. But put yourself first.

LOL yea I would

I always left if they were crap, would be hugely time wasting too.

Wait 2 months to meet another to date and then utter disappointment...... :)

Id walk away now as a good sex life is important and saves the headaches cliche

Viagra is so easy to get, make a story up about a friend that tried it just for fun. Get some and say let's have a good night. If it works he may well buy more