Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

Also curious to hear if anything similar has happened to others?

Is it even a little bit possible that he's gay? Or that he likes trans porn more than porn with women? Men who get handsy when it's all at the surface level and then don't get at all turned on by female sex organs are often hiding some interesting skeletons real deep in the closet.

Read about erectile dysfunction.

I don't think it's down to the OP to research and solve this. If the guy isn't taking responsibility himself to address the issue, it's a waste of time.

RE gay - I'm not sure, I hope not. If I'm honest, when we first met he looked at me so hungrily I thought 'aha! So THIS is the person to have my fling with and help me forget allll about my terrible ex' when fresh out of a break up. But then I developed real feelings for me and, as I say, he was very into it from the start.

I broached a conversation about sexuality once & he said he was '100% straight, without a doubt'. I mean...he has been hard while going down on me etc. Doesn't 26 seem a little old to still be in the closet? I have wondered about asexual (because he loves hand holding, cuddling etc), but I'm stabbing in the dark.

Men far older than 26 still firmly in the closet.

Btw - we were friends before all this!! Wondering if that can be salvaged if we break up or if it will just be too embarrassing...

26 is not old AT ALL to be in the closet. I don't believe that's the issue here but I'm almost 47 and I didn't come out myself until I was 40, and I've certainly met others male and female of my age and older who've stayed in the closet until older.

Lots of reasons why but a common one is not upsetting parents/grandparents. But also just plain not admitting it to oneself.

Lots of people have married young and don't come out until they divorce.

There's still a lot of homophobia about.

But honestly I don't believe that's the issue.

How long were you friends for? Do you know any of his exes?

Friends for about 6 months, but a very intense friendship, spending lots of time together etc. Clicked from the start. No, I know OF one girlfriend it didn't work out with - 'a lot of things happened with her' (whatever that means? clearly negative anyway).

May I ask Graphista...what you think the issue MIGHT be? I know your guess is as good as mine right now.

All I can do is gently broach the issue one more time, to see if he is willing and open to work on this together...or else call it a day (reluctantly).

Run to the hills

Sounds like he has adapted to the ‘death grip’ style of wanking and can’t come any other way. He can change it for himself but it will take a lot of work and denial on his part. Getting you to do it exactly how he likes it done when he’s alone will exacerbate the problem,
Speaking from personal experience.......

If you aren't going to break it off, you really need to broach porn OP. Might be nothing to do with that, but I gather this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue for a lot of young men.

Is he taking medication for depression? The exact same thing happened with my ex when he was on sertraline. He spoke to his GP, changed medication and within 2 weeks or so it was working again.

He needs to see a Doctor. My Hubby has had prostate cancer and has difficulties at times, which can be part and parcel of the radiation therapy. A low dose of Viagra every 3rd day is very helpful.

Secondly, is he a heavy drinker, stoner or into sexual material that may be considered to be offensive? I'm asking this as our down the road neighbour borrowed videos from an adjoining neighbour some years back, and over several drinks, discussed his problem of maintaining an erection and how he has to ''play'' games while watching some very heavy material that is based around female abuse.

I have seen one photo of him and his former partner and he has his hands tightly around her hair, forcing her to perform oral sex (on his very small dick - my amusing moment, I really don't like the guy).

If its any of these things, then your partner needs professional help that the Doctor can refer him through to.

Several of us have suggested what the issue MIGHT be. The point being it's not yours to fix.

If you don't know his exes, and he isn't forthcoming himself about what's wrong, well...put your own life jacket on, mate.

Could it be a religious upbringing holding him back? Also, medication could cause problems. Do you know if he has ever managed full sex?
You have to watch that you don't get dragged into believing that there is something wrong with you. Perhaps a very long chat would get to the bottom of this.

Not sure. Had a bit of a weird conversation last week about Don Draper on Mad Men. He started going on about how he clearly had a Madonna/Whore complex. I sort of stared at him and he was like 'oh I definitely don't have that btw...in case you were wondering. :)'

He is taking some medication and he had a religious upbringing though considers himself 'agnostic'. The thing is - I know there's nothing wrong with me, really - but it's the thought that he thinks it's me, unskilled and unable to please him. It's my ego...

The only poss solution I can think of is broaching the topic at a non-intimate time. But you should have seen him last time it wasn't working out. He looked like he was close to tears and told me 'it's fine, just leave it', pushing my hand away. It upset me.

Stop
Wasting
Your
Time

This relationship is a disaster and will never make you happy. You should be wise enough to know this.

What's your relationship history like? Do you have a tendency to be drawn to lost souls you think you might be able to 'fix'?

Honestly, I would understand going through all that hard work if you had a lot of history together but after 5 months? Sounds like a lot of work.

I would move on, really, if it is so unsatisfactory and is affecting your self esteem, what is the point of staying? If it is that bad after 5 months, what hope is there for the long term? Go before your confidence is so shattered, you are not saving this guy.

Clearly not as skilled in bed as you think you are op

Don't be that dick, @WomanLikeMeLM

I've already said I think it's death grip, overdoing the porn.

Your latest post suggests he's likely to wrongly blame you though. Nobody needs to put up with that.

womenlikeme get over yourself the OPs partner clearly has his own issues...
Op this isn't going to end well. If you're really into him them it's time for a frank conversation. Ask him if he has any concerns and tell him how this is making you feel. You need to suggest he sees his GP for a general checkup if he can't offer any emotional reasons why he's losing his erection before climaxing.