Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

Just end it. I was with somwbody for a few years who couldn't get hard, wouldn't seek help either. It destroyed my self confidence. I spent so much time by the end of it thinking that I was the problem, that I couldn't do things properly, etc etc etc. He isn't willing to get help from a medical professional so it's not worth trying to stick around!

A few of us have said that now, Graphista. It does seem the likeliest explanation, given his age. I feel quite sorry for the generation blighted by the fact that porn has been their formative impression of sex.

It's even worse for young women.

IMO bad sex doesn’t improve

Would he try viagra?

Could be undiagnosed high blood pressure?

Death grip - gay - health problem. Whatever it is you can’t fix it. At 5 months in you should be shagging from the rooftops.if it’s not happening now it’s never going to happen. This is as good as it gets, I’m afraid.

It's porn and death grip. There are many young men with ED because of this.

Never had a problem with this stuff in the 70s

He needs to see his GP. There are some health conditions and medications that may be affecting his function. He is very young. A GP will help.

If he can't get / maintain an erection, maybe some Viagra or Cialis might help ? It did wonders for DH.

Yea the very specific wanking style and losing his erection sounds very like death grip and overuse of porn. Try searching for the Your Brain on Porn website...and the No Fap boards on Reddit - they are real eye openers and many, many men, of lots of different ages recount difficulties just like you describe.

Run for the hills!

Firstly Don't you be blaming yourself. Sit him down and say i really want our sex life to work your amazing at x, y, z however I want to please you. So no wanking for atleast a week, no porn and then we will go for a date. I tried this with an ex of mine who had a similar issue after a week the excitement of it all really paid off. You just need to be blunt sex is important. But it's very likely he feels shit about himself then everything flops down. So yeh no wanking rule for atleast a week see if that works out for u.

If he's so stupid that he needs to be told, there's really no hope. I would honestly find it a massive turn-off to have to spell that out to a grown man.

Just dump him.
He’s more than likely given himself death grip but whatever the reasons he needs to fix himself.
Stop blaming yourself, move on and find someone with less issues.

It depends if everything else is great or not, is he willing to seek help for this? As much as most people responding are saying just dump him (a usual MN response to this type of thread) I would say if everything else is great, see if he is wanting to address the issue with a GP. If he wants to seek help and everything else is great, then that is worth trying. However, if everything is just meh plus this then end it.

Porn. He's wanked to it so much he is just completely unable to cum with a real life woman.

If he wanted to address it, he'd have done it already.

Experienced similar years ago

It improved when he laid of the porn

I think he's all wanked out

Grim

I have seen one photo of him and his former partner and he has his hands tightly around her hair, forcing her to perform oral sex (on his very small dick - my amusing moment, I really don't like the guy).

In what situation did he show you this?!!

OP-I’m interested to know what the very specific instructions he’s given you are? Does that fit in with the ‘death grip’ Theory?

expat101

He needs to see a Doctor. My Hubby has had prostate cancer and has difficulties at times, which can be part and parcel of the radiation therapy. A low dose of Viagra every 3rd day is very helpful.

Secondly, is he a heavy drinker, stoner or into sexual material that may be considered to be offensive? I'm asking this as our down the road neighbour borrowed videos from an adjoining neighbour some years back, and over several drinks, discussed his problem of maintaining an erection and how he has to ''play'' games while watching some very heavy material that is based around female abuse.

I have seen one photo of him and his former partner and he has his hands tightly around her hair, forcing her to perform oral sex (on his very small dick - my amusing moment, I really don't like the guy).

Hang on...
Sorry, OP, I know this is a brief derailment of the thread, but huh?

Just read this while scrolling down and my eyes sort of snagged on this.

I think it's the combination of the word "hubby" which I dislike and find a bit "Jen Teel" a la Jilly Cooper (I know! Cover up, LaM, your prejudices are showing) with the idea of pictures (I know! Only one was mentioned) of your neighbours' sex life being passed around, coupled (Freudian slip) with the name containing the word "expat" (I know! Totally unreasonably extrapolation by me) just makes me think of some new sitcom about expats in eg Spain with interesting back stories. "Swingers in Seville" or "Free Spirits in Formentera".... or something.
Anyway, sorry for my prurient imagination . As you were.
And, expat, I truly am sorry for your husband's cancer and I hope that that's behind you both now.

For what it's worth, OP, (very little based on the above, I realise) it sounds awfully like abuse of porn has simultaneously desensitised him (to "normal" sex involving two people) and also sensitised him (to being able to come to orgasm only when handled - as opposed to oral or penetrative stimulation - in a specific way).
Do you know how experienced he is with other partners? He may he very naive about "real" sex.

There's nothing wrong with you. He has a health/psychological issue.

You need to tell him that you like him, you think this relationship has a future but this issue makes you very unhappy.

Either he needs to be open and honest about his issues and you can seek help together or you will have to break up because you cannot be in a relationship with someone who can't be honest with you about sex.

Unless he is willing to work on this, and that starts with a trip to the GP, leave. It's not fair on you. If you think you have a future he needs to admit there is a problem and do something about it.

This is his problem not yours - don’t let him put it on you.

After only 5 months, I would probably just break up

Have you had an conversation with him in the cold light of day? If not you need too.

If you really like him and you want this relationship to work then you need to have an honest talk with him. Otherwise you'll never be happy