Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

I don't get why he is so weird because he gives instructions - any sex article will tell you to communicate about what feels and doesn't feel good .

If it were a woman posting that her lover only did " x" and she likes "y " everyone would be saying tell him !!

I feel for both of you. Sounds like he has some issues. It is really hard not to take it personally. I had a bf once who couldn't come. He said he could only do it when he was shagging the bed (???). He was also obsessed with anal sex. It fizzled out.

I don't think it's uncommon for guys to have problems coming cos of emotional stuff and hang ups. I guess you have to decide if you want to persevere with no guarantee of a good result, or not.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to give up yet. Have a good conversation with him. Just don't blame yourself or let anyone blame you. Men have complexes all the time too.

What can I do aside form broach it again somehow

Nothing.

You HAVE to talk to him about it.

@TheStuffedPenguin I think people can find it uncomfortable. There's this idea that good sex should 'just happen', I guess.

Take the pressure off. If you want to continue the relationship this needs to stop being such a big deal. You could step back and let him sort himself out, watching is ok. Relate do sex therapy which may help.

Oh come on ..

This isn't about communicating to help each other climax.

This guy can't Keep an erection.
He can't have intercourse.
He says he doesn't like/can't climax from oral.
He can't keep an erection or climax from manual.

But good sex DOES 'just happen' with most people who have a mutual attraction and a relaxed and honest way of communicating.

Seriously, why not keep looking if you want a happy sexual relationship (the OP and her boyfriend are only in their twenties!) It might be different if the situation was a relationship of many years standing, but honestly, why invite conflict and complications into your life when you are at your most attractive and (if relevant) fertile etc etc?

Why make life harder than it needs to be?

He's totally sexually dysfunctional.

This needs a huge amount of physical and mental/emotional investigation and therapy, that he has to be completely open to. It's far far too much to put on op.

Exactly, *Morality^. Nail on the head.

There's no guarantee of success in all that. Meanwhile op's needs and happiness aren't being met. To the contrary it's stress and tension she doesn't need and wouldn't have with the vast vast majority of other men around her age.

But he clearly knows there is a problem, it's probably affecting him as much as it is you, but if you're happy in other aspects of your relationship then work on it.

Well he needs to do something about it then doesn’t he? How can the OP ‘work on it’. when he does fuck all about it himself? He needs to at least star with a trip to the doctor. It isn’t her problem to ‘work on’. It’s his ffs.

Yeah he isn't blaming you at all OP by the sound of it, he sounds pretty upset about it, but for some reason isn't willing to completely acknowledge the problem. Well this is going to feel bad for both of you whether you stay or leave, but the best thing for you is to leave, and this is what you should do.

Are you a similar age to him OP?

Agree with PP he's totally sexually dysfunctional and not your problem to fix.

If you're young you may be more optimistic about it working out as other aspects of the relationship are good.

But it'll never get better in the bedroom unless he seeks help. Meanwhile you'll lose any self-esteem and confidence and believe me, it erodes so gradually you hardly notice it. This will make you miserable and unable to have other relationships the more you stay invested in him & fixing him.

He's highly likely only able to get off to porn and not with a real living breathing woman with a healthy attitude and appetite for sex.

I speak from 20 years of experience of this. Sadly I stayed as I thought it would get better/could be fixed etc. I wish I'd had Mumsnet when I was in my twenties is all I can say

OP you need to just tell him straight. He has an issue in the bedroom which isn't your fault so he does something about it or you're off!
The thing is, he should WANT to sort it out. Sounds to be like he's in denial and hoping it will just happen one day, but its clearly not.

"wouldn't have with the vast vast majority of other men around her age"

I think more young men than you'd imagine have sexual problems,. Inexperience might be a factor in some cases. But also nowadays there's antidepressants, and yeah porn use too I suppose.

It isn’t her problem to ‘work on’. It’s his ffs.

Exactly.

He can't stay erect, he can't have penetrative sex (which many women would be out due to, full stop), he doesn't even want oral, ops left with masturbating him; and that's a complicated, changeable 'challenge' all of its own. Sorry to be crude but I've wanked a good few guys in my time and a lubricated closed fist, with greater or lesser tightness, up and down - generally does it. It's not fkg ticket science. Only with this guy apparently. And ops been fine with everyone before.
The issue is him. Stop telling op to try harder, communicate more, take responsibility etc.

*rocket science

I've had something similar.

He was much older, but I could rarely make him orgasm. He would almost never penetrate.

In my ex's case, I think it was a mixture of a deep seated hatred of women ( tons of mummy issues), porn, being intrinsically unavailable emotionally.

Just like you, he was " my best friend". I think men who have these issues over compensate in other ways. Could be genuine in your case, but in mine, I don't think it was.

My ex never, ever addressed it. Ever. I got very good at brushing it under the carpet, and focussing on all the wonderful conversation etc. He just shrugged it off as " how he was". He too was all over me at first, but it always petered out ( no pun intended!).
I truly believe it was too deep for him to address, so he blamed everyone else. " With the right woman, everything will be ok".
It was soul destroying. Seriously. He was 51 and had this his whole life.

If he has deep seated issues, you can't save him. He has to WANT to sort it out, and you cannot make someone want to address their demons.
I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time on that relationship, but live and learn.

Best of luck

• older than your bf, not much older than me

I think more young men than you'd imagine have sexual problems

Not the majority though.

I don't know what this guy needs, and whether there'll ever be a resolution; but i don't think it should be put on op to any extent.

And as others have said, this really erodes your confidence and self esteem and happiness; no matter how you deal with it. I was there for a short time and it was more than enough.

He is 26, I'm 28.

Morality - interesting to hear about your personal perspective. That's it - I'm soo fed up with not being shagged senseless () because I want him so badly! It's been 5 months!

All I can do is talk to him again calmly, making clear how important it is and whether he wants to work on it together. If he stays in denial I don't know what else I can do. He's rejected me a couple of times now...and when you're naked & ready & willing...it reaallly doesn't feel good.

I truly believe it was too deep for him to address, so he blamed everyone else. " With the right woman, everything will be ok".

I got this too.

They can never take full responsibility. They always try to project it.

At the moment, op is not wanking him "right".

Ain't no-one who could wank that guy right.

LOL 'Sorry to be crude but I've wanked a good few guys in my time and a lubricated closed fist, with greater or lesser tightness, up and down - generally does it. It's not fkg ticket science. Only with this guy apparently.'

^ this has been my experience, too. His enigmatic cock is driving me nuts...I am SO willing to persevere more but so far I'm not getting anywhere. And yes the grip he needs is very firm.

If you are 5 months in, I doubt it will get any better. It's already affecting your self confidence and making you doubt yourself, when the problem doesn't lie with you. If he is that specific about how to give him a hand job, he sounds like he spends a lot of time masturbating and maybe he has desensitised himself (which is not good). It all sounds very clinical, long winded and not much fun. If having a good sex life is important to you, you should leave. Personally I would be long gone. Life is too short.