Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

Hé obviously has a problem - either physical, emotional or psychological. Maybe he was abused in some way as a child. Sit down at a non intimate time and ask him if there is a bigger story. You have known him for 5 months, i’m guess you think of him as a friend so maybe approach the subject on that level. It might not be right for you right now but you might be able to encourage him to sort himself out and maybe you will stay good friends. It could also be a testosterone issue - some men with undescended testicles as children have issues in this department and don’t realise it.

Its clearly bothering him too, I feel really bloody sorry for him, and you. Everyone screaming to leave him are horrible people.

If you wasnt attracted to him and had no connection, and the relationship has gone sour in other places other than the bedroom, then yes, it's not working.

But he clearly knows there is a problem, it's probably affecting him as much as it is you, but if you're happy in other aspects of your relationship then work on it.

Start by talking to him, and I dont mean while your trying to get down to it. Bring it up. "You and I have both noticed that something had changed in our sex life, can I have some reassurance that your still attracted to me and would you accept my help to try and make this better for us?"

"Why dont you like blowjobs? Would you be willing to let me just try?"

If he opens up about why hes struggling to get the ball rolling, ask if he has seen a hp, if he hasn't, tell him that's probably the beat thing to do. Because even if this relationship doesnt work for you both, if he has a problem, it's going to stick around for his other relationships too and he will always be miserable.

I hope you can work it out, you sound like you really do care for him. I think he needs to put him man ego aside and talk to you about it.

Re similar things.

Not one I'm proud of but when I was 16 I had a slightly older boyfriend who literally could not get hard, if he did it didnt last very long. At 16 I was just getting the ropes and was still a little self conscious of my body.

When it became a 'flop' during sex, he started pulling out and finishing himself off..
When I asked why he couldn't stay hard, it was all because he wanted to do anal, hes obsessed with anal, I wasnt ready, and he wanted to do other really, really advanced sexual things.. and I was way to shy to comply for him.

He ended up leaving me for his ex so I was a little relieved.

Going to share my experience which isn't too dissimilar to yours, both older though- relationship was a slow burner, but from the off sex was difficult for him- could easily make me orgasm but struggled to stay hard himself, also preferred hand-jobs, which are really not my thing.

After the first few failed attempts he opened up and talked about some experiences in his past that had caused mental blocks and resulted in limp penis! He also was very reassuring about how attracted he was to me and how much I turned him on despite his body's issues- so my self esteem didn't suffer too badly.

I had come out of a challenging relationship and this guy was (and is) totally amazing. Whilst penetrative sex was a no go we spent a lot of time in bed being very intimate and that was fab. I decided to be reassuring, not pushy and to let him know that I liked him, I liked our sex life and the penetration wasn't an issue.

With some reassurance and persistence he got over his block/issues with blow jobs pretty quickly but it took almost 8 months for him to get to a point where penetrative sex worked. We did try viagra earlier on and had some success with that but what worked in the end, I think, was taking the pressure off, him knowing I liked him no matter what. So now we are fully functional, does it always work- no, but I am glad I stayed with it- he is fabulous and we are great together.

I think you and your boyfriend need to have an open conversation so you understand what is going on for him, what happens in his head when it gets sexual. You need to tell him that your self esteem is affected. It sounds like you really like him and if you do then I would see if you can make it work.

Good luck!

Start by talking to him, and I dont mean while your trying to get down to it. Bring it up. "You and I have both noticed that something had changed in our sex life, can I have some reassurance that your still attracted to me and would you accept my help to try and make this better for us?"

I think everyone assumes this this has already taken place. If the OP is concerned enough to ask advice online, I'd expect her to have exhausted the usual avenues.

There's nothing "mean" about having boundaries and reasonable expectations of a relationship. It's been FIVE MONTHS, not 25 years.

Oh, and "You and I have both noticed that something had changed in our sex life..."

No, it hasn't. It's been like this from the (slow) start.

Is he a drinker or a drug taker. Classic for cocaine sniffers the are rarely able to get hard enough to cum.

Sounds like he's far to used to his own hand. The blowjob thing makes me think there's some underlying problem mentally, what does he associate with that that makes him not want it? Maybe somethings happened.

It's not you, it's most definitely him. You will start to not want it, because it's an effort and makes you feel shit about yourself.

If it's like this now? What about in 5 years?

He needs to order himself some vigra you can get it easy now days.

I would just have the conversation "I adore and fancy the pants of you but it's obvious that something has happened so sex isn't working for you at the moment. If we can't be honest and work through it together/you get some help then things aren't going to work between us. So let me know what you want to do about us"

You have nothing to lose by having the conversation. It sounds likely a mixture of his upbringing and previous relationship. He could just be so anxious and stressed but it not happening it's a complete psychological issue!

Saying that! My brother told me he and his girlfriend had issues when he was on antidepressants. He said he just couldn't cum.

What medication is he taking? Most antidepressants cause this.

Actually lots of medicines can affect men. Antidepressants being the worst. Do you know if he's on them.

I feel sorry for this bloke 😔. He is going to get dumped and have exactly the same problem with the next girl and the next, but as a PP said, he needs to sort this out and you can’t force him to get help. The obvious question is has he tried Viagra? That could be enough to get him psychologically in a better place to maintain an erection without it but I’m also wondering if he’s watched a lot of porn and got used to a right hand grip that you’re struggling to emulate.

I'd be paying for sex therapy urgently is that an option.? would he organise it?

Fuck you to everyone that's fucking internet diagnosing this poor bloke and his girlfriend who feeling unattractive and unfulfilling. Fucking 'oh its porn addiction' 'oh he'll never get better, leave him'. Fuck you.
If this was a man talking about his girlfriend being unable to enjoy sex, would you be telling him to leave her? Would you be saying shes wanking too much, leave? This is mean to be a forum of support. Not fucking self certified 'experts'.

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening and please dont blame yourself. Its lovely that you're trying different things and trying to help your partner. Are you able to talk to him? Has he resigned himself to it or is he trying? Is he just trying to pleasure you, or does the experience just put you both 'off the mood'?

Perhaps he has something going on in the background that's medical, or psychological. That's something he needs to get help for, if he can get through he embarrassment ( bearing in mind this is a man and probably the ultimate blow to the poor chaps masculinity).

Re the ' instructions', some men like to do the control thing. Think Roman emperors having grapes fed to then etc. And that doesnt mean that control will go into 'normal' stuff. Alot of the time, its the opposite and in real life they're the most respectful men going. And, it can be fun. If it's not for you, dont be scared to tell him.

It does sound like some honest but gentle conversation is needed, but do always know it's not you, not your fault, but probably not his either

Bit OTT Baileys

Most people are suggesting he get help. Unfortunately the OP can't do anything if he won't even speak to her about his issues.

The erevtion problem wouldn't bother me as much as his refusal to acknowledge that there is a problem.

Have you discussed this with him ?

Sometimes men in these situations have been ridiculed by previous partners and find it very difficult to get over - made to feel really low . They expect the same to happen again . This can be resolved . I know from experience .

@signedup, have you read the first page of this thread? Didnt seem over supportive to me. If this were a man talking about his female partner, hed have been ripped to shreds. Maybe my response was a bit OTT but the hypocrisy of 'Relationship' infuriates me sometimes. And to be fair, based on the first page of this thread, I dont think it was

Addressing a few points:-

his instructions - well they change is the thing! One day he was telling me he needs 'deep stimulation' at the base & the next day I'm not allowed to touch the base at all because it's painful. So basically I have to focus on an exact range of motion < this has been difficult for me. He said his tip is sensitive, but when I massaged/played with it, he ended up moving my hand away.

I haven't broached it seriously but I have started to. I said 'Is everything ok?' in relation to sex. He said it was and I said 'well, the thing is that having a good sex life is important to me, I'm sure it is to you?'. He agreed it was. He said it's not my fault. I said there was no pressure, we'd take it slow and sensual etc...

The next time we had sex together he just froze up and as I say looked like he was going to cry. The next day he rejected me for sex completely. That felt bad and now the bedroom is becoming a place of dread. What can I do aside form broach it again somehow?

Any number of things, none of which are your responsibility to fix. He might have some trauma from abuse in his past, he might be a porn addict, he might have a health issue...whatever it is, it really is up to him to get it sorted out.

I second this, and would add medication (if he's taking any).

But the bottom line is that he's sexually dysfunctional and it's naturally stop

Sorry posted accidentally - it's naturally stopping you from having a remotely normal, enjoyable sex life - and therefore relationship.

@KateMcd you do need to talk to him. Maybe try and make it as relaxed an environment as possible. Its something you both know is an issue, and obviously a massively sensitive subject. I dont envy you but it sounds like you care enough to make a success of it all. Good luck!

I had a brief relationship with a man with erectile dysfunction; it was a big part in it ending. No matter how much you tell yourself it's not you, it affects your self esteem, confidence, happiness etc.

I'll never forget how amazingly freeing and joyful and fantastic it was to be shagged senseless by my next partner (my ex incidentally) with none of that weirdness, awkwardneed, embarrassment and failure.

Who needs that - detailed, tricky instructions (that change from episode to episode) just to wank someone? And you're mainly wanking them because they can't keep an erection and have normal sexual intercourse (at what age, young?) ... FFS.