Awful sex life, think I need to leave him?

[KateMcd]

This is a new-ish boyfriend btw, relationship went very slow to begin with and we've been seeing each other 5 months. He is 26.

The sex is a disaster (for him). He can make me orgasm manually and orally, but he can rarely ever get hard enough to penetrate me. I put the first few times down to nerves, but now I don't know what it is! I consider myself a fairly attractive woman, not Angelina Jolie, but perfectly acceptable!

OH it gets better. He has a hang up about BJs and doesn't want them (I'm skilled at them if I do say so myself, so that's a bummer). So lately we've been left with handjobs & that is useless too - I've tried different techniques, watched videos... He gives me very specific instructions on how to please him but I can't get it right. I've tried countless times and his dick seems v sensitive. The thing is, in 10 years of dating, this is the first time I haven't been able to get a guy off - from handjobs or whatever else. He probably thinks I'm sh*t in bed and that bruises my ego as well.

His confidence was shattered last year & I thought that might be what's going on. But now he is barely wanting me to touch him at all and seems miserable (and I feel awful for not making him orgasm). Aside from all this we're completely in love and everything else is perfect - typical!!

Whatever his problems, they seem so deeprooted and he's in such denial they simply aren't going to be resolved any time soon. You need to break it off with him.

Not rocket science ? This guy aside ...every man is different as is every woman .

Enigmatic is too nice a word op.

Personally I think you're being far too nice/forbearing to want to persevere .. no sex at 26/28. Fk that (no pun intended). I think it's going to take more to fix him than your perseverance, if he can't be fixed at all.

It is fairly clinical, yep. It's been maddening because there is SO much passion and then it doesn't translate. I've had lesser chemistry/passion with others but much better sex.

A good sex life is important to me. But it's not often I meet someone I connect with on all (other!) levels like this. I think it will be a long time before I find it again...if I do. :(

Not rocket science ? This guy aside ...every man is different as is every woman .wink

Quite honestly, I think men are a bit more homogeneous & simple, as long as their head is "in the zone", in what physically makes them climax.

Honestly I think you need to sit down and talk about this openly.
It could be any number of things, porn use, a medical issue, a psychological issue....all can be worked on and addressed but only if he takes responsibility.
If he won't do this then leave.
This issue is not with you.

Sounds like death grip to me too. Dan Savage has written some helpful info on how he can retrain his dick to respond to more subtle sensations eg mouth/vagina.

There is something about the blowjob refusal that does make me wonder about sexual trauma though.

Either way, it's not going to be resolved by his avoidance of the issue unfortunately. I think if I was you I'd give him a bit longer, maybe another month or so, to see if he does something to address it, if not I'd end it.

why isn't he talking to his Dr about this?
It doesn't sound normal - no matter how much he wanks!
Are you sure he's not gay?

Sounds like death grip to me too.

If it was entirely death grip, wouldn't he be able to maintain an erection eg during sex; just not be able to climax (?)

Not necessarily. Vaginas are dull to these men

Well you could ask him to shag someone else and see if it works then. Treat it as a scientific experiment.

It's a NOPE from me OP.

Well you could ask him to shag someone else and see if it works then

Alternatively op could just shag someone else and have some nice, normal, functional sex instead of this shit.

In the long long term, how are you even going to have kids op, presuming this isn't solved (which is very possible) - get him to wank until ejaculon his own and then turkey baste yourself or have icsi in a clinic (and not due to infertility)- Is that how you envisaged conceiving your kids

I think it's death grip, too. I think he wants a proper sex life and can't understand why it can't happen. Given that you like him such a lot and given that you are good friends anyway, I think you should talk to him about it. I know it'll be embarrassing but he's still a really young man and it sounds as though he could do with a good friend to talk this through with.

The fact he is ‘very specific’ does suggest he has overdone it somewhat in the ‘self love’ department, most men I know who have watched far too much porn suddenly want specific things all the time, my H suddenly wanted only to do oral and when I saw his ‘ on the quiet’ history it clicked with me, that’s all he watched, female on female oral. Consequently it put me right off something I had always liked till that point

I went out with a man like this - couldn't make him come no matter what. It turned out he was a porn addict and could only come through masturbating to porn. Not sure if that is a factor here.

Again: what medication?? Your answer could be right there. Medical stuff needs ruling out first.

Finding the “Death Grip” into FASCINATING. I dated someone like this once. He always said it was “too sensitive” and he rarely came during sex. Sometimes I would give handjobs for 30 mins that led no where!! It was frustrating and difficult and he had commitment issues so it didn’t work out anywhere. Now I read this death grip stuff I wonder if the commitment issues stem from porn addictions etc. Definitely end it.

I find the attitudes on here of many (most) to men’s sex problems harsh and a bit weird. Surely you don’t just fall in love with a cock? It is all a bit caveman.

If a man dumps a woman because she has a low sex drive/is not damp to order/has an issue with penetration, he is considered a turd of the highest order. And it is considered both of their issue to fix, not just hers (generally, on here, a low female sex drive is considered the man’s fault).

Clearly, in a relationship, especially early on, both parties need to get what they want out of it and neither are obliged to be in the relationship. However, in a relationship where everything else is good, surely working to solve the problem together with kind honest communication is the way to go? And if your self esteem is damaged by the lack of a rock hard cock to order, that is also your issue (when the man is passionate in other ways and skilful in giving you orgasms).

I guess, for the OP, it depends on her priorities. She may find a boring and insensitive guy who gives ‘good wood’. Would she prefer it? Equally, of course, she may find Mr Right who is also wonderful in the bedroom....but she may not.

Larrygrylls this is not the same as a woman who just wants to wait til she's ready or has a low libido. This is a man who cannot function at all and shows no desire to discuss or remedy it. His attitude means that the OP will have to enter into a sexless relationship when she clearly doesn't want that. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone - male or female.

The constant comparisons of 'of this was the other way round...' are getting really tiring.

I might be wrong but it sounds to me like he may have phimosis.

Have you actually had a proper conversation with him about this? Have you actually explained how it's making you feel and that you're considering ending the relationship over it?! What did he say?

You have two choices, leave him or stay with him and try and work with him to improve it. Only you can decide what else the relationship has to offer and if it's worth trying to work with him on it.

I'd be afraid discussing it would make him permanently limp, due to the added pressure of it being discussed

He needs a referral to psychosexual therapies team