Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Oh @Lillyrose19 that's awful to hear. I do hope you are ok. It's always hard to pull yourself away. But really if you knows he can't give you anymore than you want. You need to walk away, the pain hurts more the longer you stay. He won't change his mind unfortunately

Well @butterflyFed you sound like you've thrown yourself in at the deep end !! Good for you 😁
It's easy to make assumptions on people by the way they live their life but I suppose you have to ask yourself what you're looking for in a partner but then you can't always help who you fall for.

The separated for 2yrs but has a 1.5yr old could work if it was a mutual split. Have you asked why they separated ? It's also not ideal that he lives with his mum but needs must whilst he gets himself sorted I suppose.
If you fancy him then go on a few more dates and see what happens.

@Lillyrose19 I am in a similar position to you with MrSAS so I know how difficult it is. He has made it clear he doesn't want a serious (read monogamous) relationship but we have such a great time when we are together and it's so easy.

I have, however agreed to a date with Mr Psych next week as I won't close the doors to meeting someone who can offer me more than MrSAS can.

It's easy to tell you what you 'should' do but chances are you already know this (as I do) but you have to do what you have to do x

Ok wise daters I need some advice. Or perspective. So mr Unsuitable is mid setting up a business. It’s incredibly stressful. He’s got limited funds and English is definitely not his first language. I think it will be a success but he’s a very negative person. Doesn’t matter how positive you are to him he throws it back. So over the last couple of months he’s had a lot of time during the day. I’ve made time to see him. I’ve done loads of his paperwork and driven him to places. And why wouldn’t I? I’m his GF. We’ve never really discussed it but we’re both on the same page. We’re an unlikely match but we are both clearly smitten. Neither of us big on declarations. So over the last ten days the stress has piled on. He’s got loads of friends helping with the physical stuff. I also have my kids a lot. That’s all fine. Now an employee has moved over here from his home country to work for him and is staying with him. And he’s sort of disappeared. All communication is initiated by me. He’s terse. When I’ve seen him I know how incredibly stressed he is and how much he needs to do. But I’m really struggling with it. I don’t need a lot of communication but generally there’s a couple of messages or a phone call a day and we see each other every couple of days. But it’s suddenly gone to nothing. And I know it’s not about me at all it’s down to not having any headspace. I can’t say anything to him because it’s the last thing he needs, another demand on him. And he won’t realise there’s anything wrong. It’s like he’s suddenly withdrawn and there’s no room for me. And I’m really struggling with it. I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine in a week or two. But I’m not sure I can hold off from saying something. And I think if I do he’ll just say fuck it. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with it. And he doesn’t!
Don’t know what I’m asking really. Apart from help!
And I knew I shouldn’t have got comfy on the smitten bench.

Aww shitwith I think you'll sort it out. He's feeling low. A bit of space and it'll all be fine again.

I've had an interesting week. Back with MrWow. MrPuppy happy to wait in the wings. MrBE, I need help with. I was supposed to see him today but told him I'm busy and away over the w/e. I hoped I'd put him off but he sent a nice msg saying he'll wait to hear from me. I'm such a coward! I blew him out last time as MrWow declared his love for me. I guess I should just be straight with him.

peanut that's tough. I think you have to decide what you can cope with and you should say something. I understand people being busy with work but he has to have some downtime and he has to prioritise you at some point!

I know that feeling of being scared to hear the answer but it's also not healthy for him to behave the way he is.

I agree @DaffoDeffo. And I've tried telling him that and that he's going to make himself ill. He says he's going to work 7 days a week. It's madness. But he is really stubborn. I suppose I just have to hang in there and see what happens but by god it's hard!

@DaffoDeffo what about you? Are you swiping again yet?

Yeay for @TooOldForThis67 and Mr Wow!

Like he's got to eat right peanut? Can you suggest you go out for a picnic or a pub lunch? Just to get him out and away from being trapped inside all the time? Sounds nightmarish and it's not sustainable

No, not swiping .

I wonder how, was it vet (?), is getting on in Canada. Still my favourite dating story of all time!

@TooOldForThis67 Well squeeeeee about MrWow, but yes I think honesty is the best policy regarding your other irons - or some variation on honesty, as long as you let them down gently...

@Peanuthedz Well you either bite your tongue or you don't. I personally couldn't not say anything so I'd message him something along the lines of "After all the hard work we've all put in to getting your new venture off the ground I'm sure success is just around the corner for you, and it's well deserved. I know you've got loads on your plate at the moment and you've got a million things to juggle, but if you get a chance to send me the odd message or phone call I'd love to hear from you." Actually I wouldn't send that message, it would be "Rememeber me? Your girlfriend? FFS, I've done all this running around for you, sorted out a shit ton of stuff and this is the thanks I get. Thanks for fucking nothing pal, way to make me feel like a piece of shit." Maybe dont send that one though 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

@Sunshineandflipflops So glad you're meeting up with MrPsych.

@shitwithsugaron Sounds like you've got your lines firmly drawn as to what is acceptable to you and that's good. I dont think any of us want to repeat mistakes made in previous relationships. When I feel myself slipping into "mothering role" I try and remember this Julia Robert's quote "Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him. You want a partner not a project. " Although MrB probably isn't badly raised, no one will think any worse of you if you choose not to take on his MH issues. It's a huge ask of anyone. You have your own MH and child(ren) to think of. There's a fine line between being supportive and being a whipping boy for his problems. I do hope you sort things out though, you've obviously got a real connection with him

Hey everyone! Just caught up with the really fast moving thread! Glad everyone who is on the smitten bench is having a glorious time (I might be joining you very soon).

So my dating journey has been epic over this past couple of months...I've been dumped by text and also done the dumping. I've discovered OKCupid and found that to be awesome! So much better than bumble, POF or tinder...

I've been following everyone's stories and am far too invested in strangers lovelives! Especially @Sunshineandflipflops and MrSAS...why can't he wake up and smell the delicious coffee that is sunshine? It's obvious you make an awesome pair...how come he can't see it? Is he scared of labels? @JeSuisPrest you and MrC is what I'm hankering after and believe it'll be my time soon!

@Peanuthedz I agree with everyone else...the conversation needs to happen or you're going to get hurt and it may give his head a much needed wobble.

@TooOldForThis67 Glad to hear you and MrWow are back together...a lovely love story that gives the rest of us hope.

Welcome to all the newbies on this wonderful thread, the knowledge, wisdom and advice is second to none!

Forgot to mention @shitwithsugaron echo what everyone said. Brilliant boundaries and MrB should think himself lucky he has you by his side. Hope it all works out.

So my latest iron is absolutely lovely...I had one last attempt at OLD but signed up with OKC and kept getting drawn to this profile which was really long but I found myself nodding and agreeing with it. Anyway we matched 88% and he messaged me and we hit it off straightaway...moved onto WhatsApp after a couple of days. We had a first date which was a complete disaster as we both got very drunk! So we tried again a few days later but this time at a pub during the day...well I won't quite use the word smitten but he's absolutely perfect for me and it's progressing beautifully

kermit that sounds like a good start!

That's great kermit

@JeSuisPrest your second message is probably what I'll say. I'm seeing him this evening. But I no longer know if it's because he wants to see me or needs somewhere to sleep. He's not stopping to eat really no. And he's now with his employee 24/7. Actually he's sounding like a breakdown waiting to happen! I will try to say something gentle tonight.

@shitwithsugaron I should follow your lead and set up my boundaries and stick to them. I'm not sure I can. I think I need to set myself a time limit.
And what's interesting about reading your posts is that you will be the one walking away. Last time this happened you were a bit of a mess. This time you sound much stronger.

@kermitrulesok that sounds great. Easy is how you know it's working I think.

Peanutz that doesn't sound sustainable at all 😕 how does he think he is going to be able to continue under that relentless pressure/workload? I hope he listens to you.

Ah god knows @BatshitCrazyWoman I guess that's precisely the problem with 35 year old men. Not enough life experience to know how to handle stuff. I can't walk away because I'm slightly in love with him and he's not being malicious. And someone needs to catch him when he does fall off the edge. I'm also a giver. And someone who refuses emotional support. And likes to do stuff my way. So I can understand his thinking. It opens next week so maybe he'll calm down. He has at least given up his second evening job. But now has no income at all. I've been trying to make him eat and sleep but he's getting irritated by it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Complicated relationships mothers and daughters....

To be fair he also has no idea I'm struggling with this. He would be totally shocked if I said I'd had enough. He thinks everything is fine between us.

@Peanuthedz you defo need a conversation about how you've had enough and you're obviously worried about him. Relationships are about communication and is something that underpins everything. Are you afraid that he might let you go?

Yep @shitwithsugaron he needs a name! I had knee surgery yesterday and he insisted on collecting me and bringing me home. He rocked up with flowers and haribo. I shall call him MrTall as he's a good foot taller than me

Hi all. I cancelled a second date with MrIT for tonight. I wasnt really feeling it and he then peed me off. He said in week he was tired so I suggested cancelling tonight. He said we'll see how it goes. I said no, let me know tomorrow. So yesterday I said are we on or not. He came back with some rubbish about how hed like to see me but has some stuff to sort. Let's see how it goes and he might be spontaneous and message at last minute to see if I'm around! Um no matey, I'm not sitting around waiting for you to decide whether you have time or not! So I messaged back and said no, let's just say we arent meeting. I just said I'd stay in touch but not sure I will as dont think either feeling it.

Anyway, went out with friends last night. Had a blast. Saw a guy I liked and managed to catch his eye and ended up having quite a raunchy snog with him in the club 🤣 unfortunately hes around 20 years younger than me so not a potential iron but a fun night nonetheless 😏

Supposed to have second date with MrBiker tomorrow but haven't heard today so far so not sure yet

lilyrose19 sunshine just wanted to let you know I am (still) on the “trying to date someone who doesn’t want commitment” bench 😂 it sucks!