Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Sidge Nice one! Pleased for you (if not
a little jealous)!

@ILiketheNiceCereal Having been on the other end of this, I would be honest as soon as you feel it's the right thing to do. It's horrible thinking you are the only person someone is seeing, to find out you're not.

@Sunshineandflipflops thank you for starting the new thread.

I have another date this evening with Mr Runner. Things are still going well, I think it might be the 8th date and I am really looking forward to that bit where I first see him and have the first cuddle.

Great thread title @Sunshineandflipflops :-)

@ILiketheNiceCereal
I mentioned it fairly swiftly, I had to tell mine who my FWB was recently as MrNoName is a bit of a fan of him. Didn’t seem to bother him, and if it did then it would mean we wouldn’t need to waste time together, which could happen if he didn’t know for quite a while.

How long should you wait for a guy to suggest the next date? I've suggested all three dates thus far. This seems to be a pattern with the men I meet. Fuuuuuuuck. It's frustrating.

@LooUpdate. I’d be a bit direct if a pattern seems to be emerging and message saying “right so the ball is in your court for the next date (assuming you want one!) - your turn to choose ☺️“

I’ve maybe got a bit jaded and would get tired of always being the decision maker, so would push it onto him. I know there’s always some element of doubt with new dates as you don’t want to ask for them to say thanks but no thanks, as the rejection stings. But I wouldn’t want to be with someone so laid back (or lazy) they can’t be arsed to make arrangements.

Oh and what is it with exes or previous irons popping up? It’s like they sense you’re no longer available and decide you’re the one for them! In the last two weeks I’ve had Mr Italian requesting a farewell, Mr Builder (who I’d deleted and blocked 2.5? months ago for being a flaky knob) pop up messaging me from a new number, and my ex (fiancé not husband) who has decided after 18 months since the split that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and his life is miserable without me. 🙄

@Sidge You must be difficult to forget! I've never had that problem of old irons popping back up (apart from Mr SAS and he was never really gone for long anyway).

How do you feel about your ex and what he has said?

Thanks for the feedback. I do have a feeling my fwb might be biding his time with me hoping for more eventually. He hasn't said as much but his actions show something a bit different. I don't know him all that well so I may be reading too much into it. I will have a chat with him, I don't want to mess him about.

@sunshineandflipflops I don’t know about that! Why can’t they realise when they’re with me that I’m amazing? 🤣🤣

Re my ex it makes me feel really sad actually. I don’t doubt he means what he says now but I can’t forget the things he said and how he made me feel. I can’t go back there, he turned our lives upside down and I won’t risk him doing that again. I do feel wistful for all the good times (and there were loads) but then I remind myself of the bad times and cruel words and it brings me back to reality.

placemarking!

I have two dates lined up
Coffee and a run with Mr DM today
Drinks with Mr West tomorrow
Definitely the best way to put MrTooMarried out of my mind. He’s messaging asking when will he see me again and for the first time I can’t even be bothered to reply. I know I deserve more than he can offer

Found you! thanks for starting the new thread sunshine.

The date is definitely on for tonight! It's definitely a "casual" first date, as she is meeting me straight from a gym session, which is fine.

It does mean I'm changing what I wear.. Don't want to be "overdressed", so am now going with polo shirt, decent jeans and good trainers (oh, and aftershave! )

Sidge It is so frustrating! I'm sick of being the one to suggest dates. This happened with previous men. Why is this happening?

I did not feel compelled to date anyone other than Mr Shakes (best spark of my life) but now I feel I HAVE to so I'm not left waiting and pondering

AverageGuy can you give a male perspective? My experience is:

1. Bloke shows keen interest, always travels to where I want to go, always pays, asks questions, regular messaging between dates (80% initiated by him), he's told his family and friends about me. BUT...

1. It's always ME that has to suggest the next date.

Does this mean he's not really that into me?

Urgh...I'm feeling a bit fed up. There's a festival type thing I want to go to in a few weeks (happy just to go for a day) but I have no-one to go with. My friends never want to do much as they're all married/kids, Mr SAS is already going on the day I'd like to go (presumably with someone else) but is happy to go with me on a different day and I don't feel I want to suggest it to Mr Art as I just don't know if we're going anywhere at the moment and 3 weeks is a long time in the world of OLD.

This is why I want to meet someone

looUpdate
I would say he is very into you! .

The fact that he initiates most of the messaging, does the travelling, (although this did raise an amber "could he be cheating" flag, until I read that his friends and family know about you) say YES

BUT.. if he has never suggested a date time / place, I'd also be concerned.

Maybe bring it up in conversation (playfully?)

MyOldBrain I can empathise about not having many child-free days. Mine are all grown up and have left home but when they were younger I went years without a relationship as it was so difficult to (a) meet someone and (b) then go on dates as I rarely had childcare. Meanwhile the ex was swanning around as he pleased!

I did occasionally do a babysit swap with another girl who I knew from the gym but it was still tough. Now I have no excuse as I have no ties, but I still can't find anyone! Funnily enough my ex is also single and he keeps popping up on my Tinder feed. I always swipe left .

AverageGuy Why do you think he never suggests? What could be the possible reasons from a bloke's perspective?

looupdate laziness? Maybe he thinks he has "caught" you, so doesn't have to chase? Maybe he likes being chased.. Forgive the possibly misogynistic language...

Has he ever not agreed to one of your dating suggestions?

Is there anything else about him that has raised any flags, or made you think hmmm?

Personally, I like to "drive". However, I'm not against a woman suggesting a date!

@LooUpdate If I may also comment this ties in with @Sunshinrandflipflops remarks about how little spare time the average dating woman with kids has. So one of the little dating dances that we go through is trying to understand the routines of our date so we can figure out when would be a good time to arrange a date. Is he in the dark on that ?

He's always agreed to my suggestions.

Re: flags, he seemed reluctant to "reactivate" his facebook at first (it had only been 2 dates) but now he has. That's the only red flag I've had. We talk every day. We share deep stuff.

wtf is going on? :( I should date others, shouldn't I?

Is he in the dark on that ?

Not really in the dark. He knows my schedule :(

LooUpdate I'd say it's difficult to answer without knowing what he's like when alone. Is he a social guy, out lots with friends, hobbies/interests... or does he like to just chill out watching tv?
The fact he's always available makes me think it's more the latter. If so, does it point to laziness or just a lack of imagination or initiative.
I'd just jokingly say "come on your turn to organise what we're doing" and tell him the days you're available.
It's something I found frustratimg previously so I can sympathise.

He goes to the gym and has a couple of friends. Not a huge social butterfly though.

I'd just jokingly say "come on your turn to organise what we're doing" and tell him the days you're available.

If nothing is suggested by the end of the day, I might just do that.

However all the 'advice' on youtube says pull back and let him chase you.