Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@crackofdoom glad to hear that you didn’t go down that path, I could’ve told you some right stories about him!! He was a good lesson for me - to just listen to my gut, rather than ignore it. I’m much more aware of manipulative tactics now than I used to be. Also, have dated a fair amount of people so we should swap notes 😂😂

Also, on the teeth front - Mr Pizza has pretty crooked teeth but they don’t bother me at all. I think he’s totally gorgeous. Sometimes people just act weirdly after dates and it will likely be nothing that you’ve done wrong.

A friend of mine from upcountry text earlier feeling pretty sad as he was ghosted by a date that had gone pretty well in his eyes. Weirdly, we met through Bumble in November last year, as we swiped when he was in my area for a wedding - the place that Bumble noted me shares a name with a place upcountry, coincidentally where he lives - it was all kind of funny and we ended up getting on really well and meeting in a city for a day. It was too far to consider being anything more although he would’ve liked it to be. I think he has a bit of dating fatigue - just channelled the thread and reminded him how lovely he is/other people’s behaviour is their responsibility etc etc. If he was closer I would’ve been interested in dating him at the time that we met, but it would’ve never worked at this distance. I hope that he meets someone who is kind and sweet.

Was bored tonight so went swiping.

Scared off another one by suggesting WhatsApp too soon. Silly man.

@NestOfSwipers I wouldn't bother with him. My experience of POF with a guy without a picture was in my early days of OLD yes he was a professional guy but he was also married but forgot to tell me that part!! Also kik in my experience is mainly used by cheaters

LMNOhh - Iron - iron in the fire - a potential date.

Crack re FAB, apparently there are a lot of dreamers / not exactly single guys on there. sounds like you found one! I'm sure you aren't ugly / overweight / whatever, but I'm surprised that as a single woman you haven't been inundated with requests to (really) meet. Have you considered a club? It worked for me!

I’m a professional and see no problem in having my profile on a dating site in this day and age - but that’s because I have nothing to hide. No pic = married/LTR

Chocolate I actually like kik because of the anonymity.

I'm wary of giving (what might be) a complete stranger my mobile phone number. After all, (usually) at that point, I don't know that they are who they say they are...

Also, they will know (at least) my first name, and with a bit of technical savvie, could potentially find out much more about me than I'm really comfortable with - some of you have mentioned finding a potential iron on Facebook, for instance.

A scammer could then possibly look at my friends and family, or garner all sorts of personal information about me.. or maybe I'm paranoid!

Of course, I could buy a "dating" phone, but then I'm carrying two mobile phones around, (or possibly hiding one), and what does that make me look like?

I would always assume that no pictures means they’re not actually single. Loads of the people on OLD are professionals and if someone finds you on there, then that means they’re on there too. There’s nothing weird or shameful about using OLD so the ‘need to be anonymous’ excuse just doesn’t really wash. If that were really the case, you just wouldn’t bother with OLD at all.

@LooUpdate I love that mrShakes made you cake. 😍

I’m a bit jealous. I have never had a man make me a cake in my life. I don’t think any of my exes (or MrSG for that matter) have ever made a cake at all, for any purpose. They would probably need to google to find out how to make one. 😂

I agree there’s no set point at which you become ‘an item’. It’ll depend on various things. Cake making for period pains sounds very much like he sees you as more than just an iron though.

I agree there @Crustaceans there's def a reason they don't want seen. I'm professional and if anyone from work seen me on OLD then I'm on for the same reasons as them. They only reason you hide it's you is because people think you are in a happy relationship and don't want them to know you aren't

average I do think you are being paranoid, though you may well have your reasons/bad experiences. But I would reiterate that if a man asked me to go on Kik - I would most definitely not, and would end it there. I think I’m not alone in that. HTH

However, I would suggest that if you're on all the dating sites with a pic of your face and all the details about yourself, you don't then go on Fab with a picture of your big, strangely purple, cock, and a Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy- related username that is identical to a phrase you used on Bumble. Some people notice things, you know. I've spotted that bloke in RL, we hang out in the same scene, and every time I see him I'm not going to be able to get that purple cock out of my mind (not in a good way, either)

(wonders if you've come across that one, wotcher. As it were...).

averageguy I have been inundated with messages, but I did put "Sapiosexual" on my profile, and I'm starting to realise how very true that is. Even for a quick fuck, I just can't go for the badly spelt, LOL ones. Just can't. Sex starts in the mind, so if someone doesn't have the vocabulary to seduce me initially with words, it's a no goer. I also automatically discount the ones without photos, so that's 90% of them ruled out at the start.

I have been liking Kik because of the anonymity. But that's a Fab thing- if I start chatting to someone on one of the other sites, I'll give them my number. Haven't had any bad experiences with that yet, luckily. Funnily enough, I have started a conversation with someone on Fab (I messaged him!!! Unusual. But his profile pic was actually of his face, which looks nice, and he sounds intelligent, articulate, etc), who isn't on Kik and doesn't want to get it. I thought he was being slightly difficult, but maybe he thinks I'm a cheater? Hmmm. Or maybe this is just a ruse to swap phone numbers and then deluge me with millions of horrible messages???

@AverageGuy I wouldn't meet a man if I couldnt find him anywhere. Social media. A web page on his job etc. I also wouldn't meet one on kik. Never gonna happen. A scammer can only do damage to you with access to your bank account etc. I dont see what possible damage they could do you with your name, facebook details and a phone number. As long as your online banking and phone details are secure theres not much to worry about.

Ha, I just had a quick look back on Fab, and I have received a message from someone who managed to spell YOU wrong. A new low.....

cassettes Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me

crack I did have my face as my profile pic on Fab, but, when I asked for profile reviews, it was suggested that it might be too outing, so decided to make it private. I do always send it if I message someone though...

@AverageGuy I always actually take comfort in the fact that I know someone's name and what they do for a living. One guy (who works in cybersecurity) actually sent me his LinkedIn profile details. That's pretty hard to fake.. For me the fact that someone has professionally as much as I do to lose (in case they go bonkers, are a serial stalker) means I can kinda rest assured he's not going to do anything stupid. He turned out to be a knob but that's irrelevant :-)

@shitwithsugaron oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this! Are you ok..? I think we all had high hopes for this. Maybe it's just a blip though, arguments are bound to happen isn't it? And a test to see if there is going to be some longevity in this amongst whatever life might throw at you?

@shitwithsugaron I'm sorry to hear this too but I'm sure it's nothing that you can't resolve so don't vacate that smitten bench just yet. I think it's when real issues occur that the strength of your relationship is tested and hope fully you guys will come through with a bit of communication.

@shitwithsugaron Why does this spell the possible end of the relationship - don't all relationships have ups and downs? You've had words, things are a bit awkward but I'd probably try and carry on regardless. Does it need to be made into a Big Thing? Is what happened a deal breaker for you - fair enough if it is but I'd say communication is key here. Keep talking by phone or messaging - you know he'll feel as bad about what's happened as you do. It's not over until it's over - don't become a self fulfilling prophecy.

For what it's worth MrC has been having a rough few days (grief related) and although we've messaged and spoken it's been about a quarter of our usual communications, which has been hell for me (because I'm the Queen of Fucking Neediness) but I know he needs his space and he knows where I am if he needs me. I've been as supportive as I can and he seems to be coming out of his "low" today. We're due to see each other tomorrow night and it's still on as far as I know, but we all know even 24 hrs is a long time in OLD...

midcentury you’ve hit the nail on the head there re both having something to lose.

shit really hope you can both weather this storm. Be kind to yourselves and each other

shitwithsugaron I'm sorry to hear that. I had the same last week, the whole doubting myself and anxious over a conversation we'd had. The difference was, ours was by text and we completely misunderstood what the other person meant and as such it created a whole air of negativity and anxiousness for us both. And we took it out on each other.

I remember coming on here this time last week absolutely devastated thinking it was all over, but all we needed was to see through the clouds and speak properly over the phone instead of messages. We managed to start by Friday evening and by the time I saw her again on Tuesday night as she'd been away, we looked at each other and knew it would all be fine. The love, the affection, the attraction, it was all still there we'd just lost sight of it and it took talking on the phone and setting eyes on each other again to realise we are worth more, and more special than this. Even her Mum had told us we needed a test to make sure we weren't just in it for good times, and she was really happy we've came through it all!

Anyway, we're now planning tomorrow. There are lots of changes with her business which means things will be a lot lot better from now on, more date nights, more time for us as a couple to go out and not sit in and watch tv all evening. We are going to a surprise birthday party tomorrow and couldn't be more excited for a sleep in and not having to get up at 6.30am!

So I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice last week, and I hope shitwithsugaron you manage to communicate and resolve things. The fact he's keeping communication open, even talking about other things, shows you're in his mind and wants to speak to you and wants you around. You'll get there, just like we did.

Sorry to see this, @shitwithsugaron. I hope you two can get back to an even keel.

I cracked and messaged the other guy I cancelled on last week. He's still enthusiastic about meeting up and I'm very glad I didn't ruin things with him. I am still figuring out what I want after leaving an abusive LTR, and intelligent conversation is definitely a big one. FWB is a sweetheart but I'm feeling ready to move on.

I'm so writing a book!! 😂 I called Mr No Photo's bluff last night asking him to pop a photo on his profile briefly for me to look at, then delete it again. Mwahahaha... His excuses were hilarious, then he made some weird comments about a top politician. It's Boris, isn't it?? 😂

In my humble experience, anyone with a strong online presence with LinkedIn etc is just as liable to be a twat as anyone else. Its just that it's easier to know how to avoid the in future.