Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

[DearPru]

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

not wanting to connect on SM is defo underhand but I don't get why you don't call him out on it rather than blocking him.

It's a classic Nice Guy manoeuvre of Just being Friendly you bitch

He's angling for a photo in order to start flirting. But all under the guise of Just Being Friendly. If you try to stop it before this stage, all you'll get for your trouble is "wtf, I was only being friendly. Pfft, you think I'd fancy you?? Vain bitch." If you try to stop it after this stage when he's complimented you and sent you his dick pics for you to presumably get turned on by you are also a bitch, but this time of the pricktease variety.

Either way it's so that he can set himself up to always be the victim, and you always the crazy bitch, whichever outcome you choose.

And that took me way too many wankers in my life to figure out.

Maybe he's doing a twelve step program and he is making a amends if he feels he hurt you.

My ex rang late one night (before mobiles ) not see or heard from him in over year.
I was snuggled asleep with dh (not married).
I pretended not to know who it was and hung up.
Told do 'who' it was as he knew the back story.
Any ex rang again so I gave the phone to dh.

Posted to soon.
Ex didn't ring again

One of my exes contacted me after about 10 years having turned out some old photos and letters and blah and wanted to return them to me. So I chatted back, as one does, lovely to hear from you, how are things, etc?
YOU BROKE MY HEART YOU BITCH I DON;'T EVER WANT TO BE REMINDED OF YOU AGAIN DON'T CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN

Well, that escalated quickly....
(He was a total cock, though. And that was when he was still pretty, and not a wanker in a brocade waistcoat.)

He wants to see if he still fancies you 10 years on. If he didn't you would find the contact to be short lived.

I think I would just be honest and say to him that you don't think it's appropriate to be chatting and sending photos while he's in a relationship but if you're ever both single at the same time, you'd be happy to talk. End of. I wouldn't have blocked him until I had said this and if he then continued.

@NewFoneWhoDis - your right. I had visions of asking him why he’d contacted me and getting a reply that made me feel like I was exaggerating ‘what do you mean? I’m just seeing how you are! I’m not interested in you! I’ve got a girlfriend!’

Some things are left in the passed. I’m sure if he became single and was desperate to get in touch, he’d find a way x

@parrotonthesofa - yeah. I might have been a bit quick to block but I had visions of the conversation going south and then I’d feel annoyed and insulted. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be x

Well done OP.

Twat.

Yep, no problem adding you as a friend on SM if he wants to be friends... right?!

:)

Yep! Still feel gutted. I got excited when he contacted me and now I feeling like a fool x

Not at all.
It is disappointing.
Especially if you an old romantic like me.
But men don't think like that.
He probably is have relationship problems / my gf / wife doesn't understand me etc.

But Mumsnet understands him all too well.

You sound lovely op and need to be focusing all your energies on you.

And When mr right turns up he will be heads and shoulders above this immature t*%t.

Awww thanks - @Robin2323 I did get butterflies when he got in touch because I just assumed if he was messaging me, he’d be single....

Even when I was in an unhappy relationship (my last relationship) regardless how bad it got, I’d never consider messaging someone else while with someone. Even if he was planning to do some ‘harmless flirting’ it’s deceitful and it’s disrespecting his girlfriend AND me!x

I actually feel ridiculous that I’m still not able to stop thinking about him. So many years have passed and yet after a couple of messages, I feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago! I’m like a love sick teenager (or an old fool )

I’m glad I’ve blocked him because I’m feeling the constant temptation to check him out on social media and see what he’s doing.

What the hells wrong with me??!

I know when I felt like that about an ex some 14 years later it was because life was a little off track.

For a short time I slipped into a kind of escapism.

We talked about meeting but never did as we both knew it was wrong. ( And a waste of time and that he couldn't give me what I needed)

That was several years ago and my life is well and truly back on track.

But it took work and guts.

He actually contacted me again a few years ago through fb when I was going through a very difficult time where his inter action would have been the final straw.

We chatted a bit. I Declined his offers to meet (ha) And wasn't in the lest surprised when his 'supported' dried up and he went radio silent again.

He was not my friend.

You still to start filling your life with meaningful people and things.

Hope this helps x

Thanks @Robin2323 I think he’s probably just messaged at a time when I’m at a loose end. I’m out of a long term relationship with someone I never really wanted to be with and now he’s contacted me I’m seeing everything through rose tinted glasses xx

I read something in the Guardian yesterday that seems right for this thread

Many men find the idea of having two women in their lives very satisfying, reassuring and titillating, especially as they advance into middle age.

That made me nod about an ex of mine.

@thesecondmrsashwell - While I’ve been in a relationship I’ve never even dreamed of messaging or starting something with someone else. Maybe it’s just to put a bit of excitement back into the boring routine of life. Every relationship goes through peaks and troughs but it’s sad to think that some people would much rather look for an easy way out rather than to work through it or end it before people get hurt xx

So he sent me an email asking to meet for a ‘catch up’ He must know I’ve blocked him on SM if he’s taken the decision to email me but he never asked me about being blocked. I sent an email back simply asking if he’s still with his partner and he hasn’t responded as yet. I await his response!

Are you still with yours?
A photo request, then contact after blocking, yeah, he's fishing. You don't actually need contact with this guy after 10 years, if you are happy with your DP just tell XP that you don't want to chat and wish him well.

@plipplopbop - no I’m single. He contacted me shortly after my break up .... x

Did you hear back from
Him @DearPru ?

@BlueMoodComing - yes. He’s still with his partner although avoided direct questions regarding her and his relationship. Almost as if he didn’t talk about them, they didn’t exist.
I stopped responding to him and I received a message to say that hes worried I’ll meet someone else.

Block him! An ex is an ex for a reason and stays in the past for a reason. If you was in a relationship and found out your partner was doing this to you it would be heartbreaking so I would suggest block him out :)

@ajbellamy have done. It’s very confusing and unfair.