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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

181 replies

DearPru · 17/06/2019 21:37

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
MitziK · 18/06/2019 01:08

Odds are that a) she's pregnant or b) they're about to get married.

Block.

Ariela · 18/06/2019 01:37

I had an ex re-appear, not even a very nice ex, we dated briefly about 3 dates nothing further and he was definitely a slice of bread short of a sandwich. Hence being an ex.

Anyhow he rang having heard I'd split with the then bf and changed jobs back to home town and thus was back at my parents. My father answered the phone and handed it to me (days long before cordless phone) with one of these expressions (he had only met him once and didn't like him either) and (with his hand over the mouthpiece) said 'Someone for you says his name is Sebastian Harris' and rolled his eyes ceiling bound.
So I picked up the phone and said 'Hello, who is this' and when he said he was Seb Harris and declared undying love I said 'Do I know you' Huge pause and he hung up.

So if he rings again, I'd just say 'shouldn't you be saying all this to current gf' etc.

Original poster
DearPru · 18/06/2019 05:35

Your all right. I just needed to hear it from someone else.

I’ll definitely explain that’s it’s nice to hear from him but I’m not comfortable chatting while he’s got a partner.x

OP posts:
SheChoseDown · 18/06/2019 11:09

Also if he's doing this to her he'll easily do it to anyone. I'd be gutted if my partner did this.
So even if he becomes single, do you really trust him to not get in touch with other exs?
Have the upper hand and tell him to get lost.
FlowersWineSmile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2019 11:17

The man's fishing for an opportunity here. Block and delete.

This contact from him was not wanted by you so is unwarranted.
I would not reply at all to him; a response is what he wants from you and is the reward.

Original poster
DearPru · 18/06/2019 12:38

I’d be gutted too if it were me in her position. How disappointing. I never thought he was like that.
If we were meant to be together then we’d be together. It obviously isn’t meant to be x

OP posts:
Aloneinthebigworld · 18/06/2019 13:02

My ex contacted me after ten years and I must admit, it was great to hear from him apologising for breaking my my heart and part of me started to fall for him again. He wanted me back. He said he had thought about me a lot over the years and still loved me. However, looking back now I know it was just exciting because I was in a relationship that I wasn’t happy in and he had just separated from his wife. We chatted for a few weeks but never met up. I’m glad I didn’t now because it needed to be left in the past and wasn’t fair on my fb at the time. He was my first love so the rose tinted glasses were well and truly on! He’s now moved on to his second wife and as far as I know, happy again. It was nice to catch up and get that apology I needed all those years ago but we could have never have got back together. I wish him well in his life. I would advise to leave it in the past. He’s probably bored or thinking back to when times were easier etc. We have all done it.

Pinkmouse6 · 18/06/2019 13:08

Block and ignore, not worth your time at all.

I had an ex who would do this every once in a while, I think it was something to pass the time or give him a little excitement. No idea but it was really weird and I ended up blocking him.

Piggle23 · 18/06/2019 13:16

Don't give it so much headspace. So what if he was loyal back them, he's not now. He's fishing for a shag or an ego boost because gf is pregnant or they have had a row or something as others said. Just delete and move on.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 18/06/2019 15:13

I don't think I'd block but I'd make it clear nothing is going to happen while he is in a relationship.

I've not blocked mine but he knows it's not happening and has left me be.

Original poster
DearPru · 18/06/2019 17:03

Thank you for all your advice. I wish he was single but while he isn’t I think not speaking is best. We’ve caught up now. I still think of him fondly and I’m happy to speak to him in the future if he’s ever single again.x

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 18/06/2019 17:12

he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together

"Yeah? Where? Pics or it didn't happen"

What a load of bullshit! You can bet he's sent more or less identical messages to all of his ex's since his current GF told him to get lost.

Original poster
DearPru · 18/06/2019 18:11

Yep furiousvex. He sent over some old photos from years back. Some I forgot we’d even taken. It’s just dragging back up old memories and feelings x

OP posts:
Original poster
DearPru · 20/06/2019 03:51

I really wish he hadn’t contacted me. I’ve not replied to him anymore but I’m finding it hard to stop thinking about him. I feel like I’m back where I was all those years ago when we broke up (ridiculous, I know!) Hes popped into my life, dragged up memories and feelings, and now I’m sat here trying to put him to the back of my mind.
Sorry. I just need to vent somewhere.

OP posts:
AzraiL · 20/06/2019 04:37

It's one of two things.

He's either genuinely fallen in love now and has grown some empathy, and is misguidedly reaching out to you to clear his conscience, OR

He's trying to start something.

If he keeps reaching out it's the latter. If you never hear from him again it's probably the former.

Birdie6 · 20/06/2019 04:50

Just to give another viewpoint - this happened to me 15 years ago. Hadn't seen each other for 20 years. He's now my DH so I'm proof of the fact that this scenario isn't always a bad thing. Good luck !

Robin2323 · 20/06/2019 05:00

I had an ex who kept turning up like a bad penny.

It was the same story.
We split.

I had ons.
Got back together.
After a few month said he couldn't get over that.
It's over 30 years ago.
I kept thinking every time he got back in contact we'd make ago of it - he only ever wanted sex.
No Mumsnet back then.
He's married now 3rd time.
One of the reasons I left fb
He'd still be at it.
If he really loved me like I loved him he would be with me.
End of.
Block and move on - he's a dick.

Original poster
DearPru · 20/06/2019 05:22

Exactly. Unless he’s wanting to make amends, or try again, then things should be left in the past. Why bring everything back up? It’s such a head f**k!!

Over the years I’ve thought about him all the time but while in a relationship I’d have NEVER contacted him (especially if he were in a relationship also)

When we broke up all those years ago it wasn’t my decision and not what I wanted, so I think that’s why I’m feeling how I am at the moment.

It’s so disappointing to think he has a partner and is messaging me because I never thought he was like this. Like some of you have said, if he can message me behind his girlfriends back then he can do the same to me x

OP posts:
JQBased · 20/06/2019 06:05

He is an ex for a reason, leave it be.

MyOtherProfile · 20/06/2019 06:12

@I mean I’ve only ever had 2 serious relationships. The first relationship was the shortest but the most passionate@

Was he the first or second?

I suspect he feels nostalgic because he's moving into a different phase. Either his relationship is ending or he's getting married.

Has he tried to contact you any more?

Original poster
DearPru · 20/06/2019 06:28

Thank you for everyone’s advice.

Myfirstprofile. He was my first. If I’m being honest I probably rushed into my second relationship when I saw he was also moving on. Looking back now, the relationship I rushed into was with the wrong person but I stuck with it before calling it quits earlier this year.

I know he’s not getting married. I’m our chitchat he said he doesn’t ever plan to marry, as he thinks it’s a waste of money and not worth it.

He messaged me last a couple of days ago. I didn’t respond. There’s been nothing since. Although he said he has photographs from a holiday we shared that he’ll send over. They contain photos of family members of mine who I no longer see and miss terribly (big family fall out) and they’re photographs that I haven’t seen since we split. If he sends the photographs then I’ll be happy to see them but if he doesn’t I’m not going to contact him to ask for them.x

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 20/06/2019 06:32

Could he have addiction problems?
Part of the recovery 12 step program is admitting wrong-doings and making recompense.

rosemarysalted · 20/06/2019 06:42

He wants an ego boost.
He's sorry he broke you heart, he says, so he believes that you hold a candle for him still. You are his imaginary future, his girl in the wings, should his present relationship fall apart. And by responding you are agreeing with him.
Sending messages like this whilst he is with a partner is inappropriate and disrespectful to his current partner.
If you are interested in a future relationship with him ask him to contact you when he's single and you can decide from there where you want to take it.

Original poster
DearPru · 20/06/2019 06:49

Ohyesiam - there aren’t any addictions that I know of.

Rosemary - you are completely right. It is disrespectful and I can imagine how awful she’d feel if she found out he had contacted me (or found the hidden box of photos and notes he’s kept)

If I hear from him again I’m planning to say that it’s been lovely to hear from him but while he’s in a relationship he shouldn’t be messaging me.x

OP posts:
Candycandle · 20/06/2019 07:01

I'd just be blunt and ask him straight why he's contacted you when he's in a relationship. Just for curiosity. Then I'd block him. But that's just me being me I guess!