Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

181 replies

DearPru · 17/06/2019 21:37

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
Original poster
DearPru · 23/06/2019 15:16

Morality - exactly! The timing is strange, although we’ve been in contact once before, which just happened to be right after I got engaged to my previous partner. He contacted me to congratulate me and was asking about the proposal. It all seemed friendly and innocent at the time but now I’m wondering if he heard about me getting engaged and wanted to get in touch? Could this be the same thing? Possibly x

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/06/2019 15:17

You've done the right thing by blocking him, you really have.
He sounds like a shallow chancer - I feel for his poor unsuspecting girlfriend.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet all those years ago.

Original poster
DearPru · 23/06/2019 15:23

Keepcoolcalm - I know, I feel bad for her too. Every relationship goes through it’s highs and lows, it’s just sad that some people immediately consider cheating when they’re going through a low x

OP posts:
Emerald46 · 24/06/2019 19:52

Hi @DearPru, have you heard from him again? Don't mean to be nosy but the m following with interest as I went against most of the opinions on here. Wondered if he'd message with anything that had out him in a better light from your point of view?

Emerald46 · 24/06/2019 19:54

Sorry, rubbish typing there. I meant that I'd wondered if he'd messaged with anything that had put him in a better light from your point of view?

Original poster
DearPru · 24/06/2019 19:59

@emerald46 - nothing, although I did block him..... so even if he was messaging me I wouldn’t receive them. He does have my email address to contact me if he really wanted to.

I just got a horrible feeling in my tummy as soon as he asked for a ‘current picture’ ... was I wrong? Have I been too hasty?x

OP posts:
Emerald46 · 24/06/2019 20:30

I mean I suppose I'm coming at it from a different perspective from most people.on here and my perspective may be wrong. I'm an old.romantic and I can well believe that I could get back in touch with an ex and regret splitting up not have met anyone that I like as much, etc. Yes, the current photo request would irritate me too because it seems shallow. But I think I'd have had to have met him for coffee/ got my head round why he was really getting in touch then decided if I wanted to proceed. I know he has a gf but it might be casual etc and he might well be having doubts. The dick pic thing - I don't think that would have crossed my mind because if he hasn't been a sleazy knob before why should he be now? I don't know - blocking is very final and if he tries to message you then realises you've blocked him, he'd have to have pretty thick skin to then email you!

I guess it depends how much you liked him, how much you look back and think you could have had a happy life together and ultimately if you're prepared to go through the risky business of getting to know him again with the possible outcome being that one of you could decide not to pursue anything if it turns out he does want to reignite something (which presumably he does). I would be annoyed by him asking for a pic but I think I would challenge him myself and make it clear you're not interested in a quick fling or emotional affair. He may not want that either.

Original poster
DearPru · 24/06/2019 20:41

@emerald46 - your thinking is exactly how I’d have loved for it to pan out because that’s how I think of him (just plodding along with the wrong person while comparing them to him)

The picture comment just confused me. Why does he need a current picture? I remember what he looks like, I doubt he looks terribly different (just a bit older I imagine) xx

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 24/06/2019 20:45

Just no.
Just ask yourself while an ex would want a current photo?

Original poster
DearPru · 24/06/2019 21:01

@Robin2323 - why would he? It’s strange.... x

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 24/06/2019 21:37

The horrible feeling in your tummy is your gut instinct, it is often referred to as 2nd brain.

Its important to listen to your body, we often over think our reactions.

Original poster
DearPru · 25/06/2019 05:32

@lifebegins50 - your right. My guts never failed me yet.x

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 25/06/2019 06:35

I guess you send a photo.
He replies with how fit you look.
You're flattered.
The flirting begins.
Before you know it you're both asking 'how' you ever split up.
Fb has been, so I've read, cited for many divorces.
But rarely do any of these relationships work out.
They just leave a trail of misery for everyone x

Original poster
DearPru · 25/06/2019 06:49

@Robin2323 - so it’s an excuse to start some flirting... makes sense. Ugh!! :( x

OP posts:
PantsyMcPantsface · 25/06/2019 06:50

I'm pretty good friends with my first serious ex - dh knows and is fine with it and it's definitely just a friendship - we're both at very settled places in life and just are on a similar wavelength when it comes to senses of humour (and taking the piss out of a mutual friend) and have similar aged kids etc. There's nothing more than that there - but I know that's fairly unusual.

Dh is also friends with a couple of his exes and I'm fine with that - but I think you need the right combination of personalities to be able to do it.

lasttimeround · 25/06/2019 07:27

I think the request for a current pic settles it. He wants to know if he still fancies you enough to bother rekindling.
As for fb. Too many exes from there and their ever so slightly (to start) messages and compliments. Fishing to see if you might bite.

Smellbowpenisbeaker · 25/06/2019 08:58

Please please send him a dreadful photo of you covered in crisps and picking your nose.

Greenglassteacup · 25/06/2019 09:05

Grin @ smell

Original poster
DearPru · 25/06/2019 09:09

Haha!! What a suggestion @Smellbowpenisbeaker Grin I’m tempted to unblock him to do just that! Wink xx

OP posts:
puppymouse · 25/06/2019 09:21

I was mulling this over with a friend the other day. I have little contact with old friends - university in particular - we've drifted apart as they're all in or near London and I'm in the sticks.

The constants 20 years later are a FWB and an ex who I dated for barely 3 months before he ended it. We never quite detached properly though and were associated with each other by friends until we graduated.

Both men are married with kids. Haven't physically seen either since I was 21 or something. I don't know what they want from me particularly but we talk shit, share mutual jokes, sometimes talk about how hard being a parent is and when I was in hospital recently both were very supportive. Who knows. DH knows I talk to them.

Hobsbawm · 25/06/2019 09:22

I'd say your gut was right.

And I say that as someone who has recently contacted an ex. I have no desire to get back with my ex. I'm happily married. But I was tidying up my email account (something I very, very rarely do) and wondered about his email address and him. On a whim, I made contact.

I have missed him, at times, over the years. We were friends for a while, after we broke up. At times, I have missed my friend so it was nice when he replied. It was entirely innocent on my part. I also emailed another old, female, friend the same day! I was feeling nostalgic about friendships, not yearning after an old boyfriend.

What you describe sounds different though. Asking for a photo, is definitely odd!

moonpiggle · 25/06/2019 09:30

Never go back in life..keep moving forward. Hes in a relationship so red flag instantly.

EmmaLouisLou · 25/06/2019 09:40

The fact he doesn’t want to friend you on fb speaks volumes, he knows his gf wouldn’t like it. I think it’s quite common for men to get in contact with ex’s especially if something is going on in current relationship. If he really wanted to start something with you he would have finished with gf first before making contact, he’s trying to have his cake and eat it. His behaviour also shows he’s perhaps not as nice as you once thought.

My ex made contact 4 years after we’d split to tell me his grandad had died. I couldn’t have cared less. My nan had died when we were travelling in Australia and he was totally unsupportive, 5mins after I got off the phone he made a comment about him having to cook something for dinner then and asked me why I was moping about?! Bearing in mind his mum had called him to tell him his cat had died when we were in Singapore and I’d stayed up all night with him while he was blubbing about it. He then went on to tell me he was engaged, I was too and told him I was getting married in a few months.

He then got in contact again 2 years after to say he’d seen my wedding pics and I looked happy, turned out he’d seen my profile pic on fb as my account was private. He asked after my family, we had gone out together for about 5 years so I briefly told him how everyone was. He kept sending messages for a while but I didn’t reply. He was always a bit of a narc and had to be centre of attention so I think he made contact mainly so I’d ask him what he’d been up to but as I wasn’t interested in the slightest I didn’t bother. I think he just wanted someone to massage his ego but that someone wasn’t me!!

SandyY2K · 25/06/2019 09:40

Asking for a current picture definitely shows ulterior motive in my opinion.

Original poster
DearPru · 25/06/2019 10:03

Thanks for everyone’s advice. As soon as he asked for a photo I felt disappointed but tried to stay positive by suggesting he add me on SM. Your right. His partner wouldn’t like it. She’ll know I’m his ex and if she saw us all of a sudden becoming ‘friends’ she’d be suspicious. Or perhaps they’re going through a rocky patch (the main reason he’s probably contacted me) and if she sees an ex sniffing about she’ll put 2 + 2 together. X

OP posts: